Ramblins of the Real Foxxxylove

2007-01-30T11:58:00.000-07:00

Barack Obama: The Drawing Board

This is my good friend Wyatt, a stand up comic and actor. He actually does kinda look like Obama. Scary!

The Devil & Virgil Goode . . .

2007-01-02T10:26:00.000-07:00

Sometime today, buried beneath the Pres. Ford funeral coverage and the 200th story about Britney Spears’ shaved coochie, there will be a story about Keith Ellison being sworn in as the 1st Muslim elected to the House of Representatives. This should be a proud moment for Americans because it truly serves a testament to principles of religious freedom and diversity – things that as Americans we supposedly hold near to our hearts (emphasis on the supposedly – I’m still a cynic afterall). Right?

Well, not according to Rep. Virgil Goode (R-Va)! He no likeys the Muslims. And apparently, he really no likeys the fact that Keith Ellison has chosen to take his swearing in picture holding a copy of the Quran.

Actually, what he said was:

“If American citizens don't wake up and adopt the Virgil Goode position on immigration there will likely be many more Muslims elected to office and demanding the use of the Quran."

Oooohhhh!

Let’s forget the fact that no one is actually sworn in using the Bible. Let’s even forget about all that religious freedom and diversity stuff. Instead, let’s talk about immigration for a second.

I agree with Rep. Goode in one respect. Our immigration policy is horrible and could sure use a good fixin’. However, I’m still unsure how Rep. Ellison taking a promotional swearing-in photo using the Quran has ANYTHING TO DO WITH IMMIGRATION POLICY.

In every article I’ve read, each writer attempts to point out the flaws in Rep. Goode’s email by touting how immigration creates diversity. But each article (and I mean each and every one of ‘em) completely ignores one obvious fact:

Last time I checked, Keith Ellison, like Bruce Springsteen, was BORN IN THE USA! This man IS NOT an immigrant. He was born in Motown for Christ’s sake.

So, instead of assuming that Rep. Goode’s email actually had a valid point and attempting to deconstruct it, I’m gonna call a spade a spade (I think that’s racist) and say this:

Dear Rep. Goode,

You are a freakin’ idiot! Rep. Keith Ellison is Muslim. He is also a natural born citizen of the United States of America, as are million of Muslims. I know this may shock you, but it looks like we don’t have to import Muslims from other countries because they are here and have been here for a while. Actually, I heard that they are all out to get you. Be afraid. Be very afraid.
Love,

Foxxxylove

P.S. If more of those illegals come cross the border and start runnin’ for office (cuz that’s exactly what illegals do), then I say we protest the use of the Bible because those pesky Mexicans are Catholic. That should stop ‘em!

Why My Life SUX: by Foxxxy Love

2006-12-15T11:33:00.001-07:00

I spent a week and a half with a face so swollen that I looked like Jabba the Hut. I did, however, get skinnylicious from the forced moratorium on solid foods. So, I guess it wasn't that bad.

Sharky had a momentary lapse in judgment and thought he could actually live without me. Well, he ended crawling back defeated, trying to bask in the glow that is Foxxxy once more. So that ain't so bad either.

But here's the kicker.

My car got stolen last night while I was shakin' my slightly smaller black ass at the company Christmas party. The Grinch clearly visited a lil early this year by stealling my car before Christmas! Fucker!

I'm not dead. I'm no longer sick. I have my family and friends. I'm nice. I'm smart. I'm cute. So why has this been the shittiest 3 weeks? Can anyone tell me? Please?

Eddie, what are you doing?

2006-12-07T14:46:00.000-07:00

First, you get a divorce from your beautiful loving wife. Then you take up with Scary Spice. Now you dump her for Babyface's leftovers and claim that the Scary baby isn't yours? SHAME ON YOU - not just for the baby, but for all of the above. You were much more loveable when you were into trannies like Micahel Jackson (although I'm not sure it hasn't been proven that Scary Spice is actually a man).

You're not supposed to light a match near gas!

2006-12-06T21:40:00.000-07:00

Ok. I admit it. I fart. I'm human. We all do it. But, do we light a match on an airplane afterward? I think not. Well, some yokel from Nashville decided that a lady must cover the scent of her poot with a lighted match . . . on a plane! Read on . . .

NASHVILLE, Tenn. - It is considered polite to light a match after passing gas. Not while on a plane.

An American Airlines flight was forced to make an emergency landing Monday morning after a passenger lit a match to disguise the scent of flatulence, authorities said.

The Dallas-bound flight was diverted to Nashville after several passengers reported smelling burning sulfur from the matches, said Lynne Lowrance, spokeswoman for the Nashville International Airport Authority. All 99 passengers and five crew members were taken off and screened while the plane was searched and luggage was screened.

The FBI' questioned a passenger who admitted she struck the matches in an attempt to conceal a "body odor," Lowrance said. She had an unspecified medical condition, authorities said.

"It's humorous in a way but you feel sorry for the individual, as well," she said. "It's unusual that someone would go to those measures to cover it up."

The flight took off again, but the woman was not allowed back on the plane. The woman, who was not identified, was not charged in the incident.

Dayum. Did it stank that bad that she had to light a match on a plane? I guess she thought so. It's pretty bad when you can smell yourself. Right Romius (tee hee hee)? Maybe planes should now include "No Farting" signs too.

Maybe it's just me being sick . . .

2006-12-06T21:35:00.000-07:00

but I was really upset today when rescuers found the body of James Kim, the father who'd been missing in the Oregon snow for more than a week. Kim's self-sacrafice for the love of his family should be celebrated. I will keep his family in my prayers (if God listens as I have been a blasphemer of late).

Take a look at this CNet article and slide show.

A Little Nighttime Blasphemy!

2006-12-05T22:22:00.000-07:00

So, I got my tooth pulled this afternoon.

Cue the violins . . .

Because I have a prolapsed mitral valve (which means I've got a broken heart for realz) and an infection, I had to take 6 pills and 1.5 tsps of a nasty antibiotic before my visit. I've also got a swollen gland which won't allow me to open my mouth or swallow very well, so I had to crush the pills to take them. Anyone who's had to take crushed pills know that they taste like POISON, or at least what I imagine poison would taste like as I don't think I've ever ingested poison before. To top it all off, I haven't eaten food in about 5 days, so the pills just make me want to vomit because there is nothing on my stomach.

Anyway . . .

My mom sat with me as I took my first yummy spoonful of medicine sans sugar (she's my momma, not Mary Poppins). After I gulped, I prayed "Jesus, please let these pills stay down. Lord, why hast thou forsaken me?" My mom laughed as she said "this is what you get for not going to church more."

Then she asked, "Have you accepted Jesus as your personal savior?"

This is a funny question coming from my mom. I mean, she's religious (hell, she's the pres-o-dent of her church choir and my dad is a trustee), but that sounded downright Fox News-ish, and that she ain't.

Ever the smartass, I said "Sure I have. You don't know nothing 'bout me n Jesus. I try to lead a Christ-like life everyday."

"How so?" she asked.

I thunk and thunk. This is the best I could come up with: "Well, I like to party just like Jesus did. I mean, he did turn that water into wine."

People, these are the effects of Vicodin. It clearly makes you a retard! Nite.

Fergalicious? HELL TO THE NAW!

2006-12-05T10:45:00.000-07:00

For those of you who know me, you know that I have an extensive list of things I hate because, let's face it, I'm a hater. Atop my list is Fergie. I HATE THAT BITCH! And last night's Billboard Awards is a prime example of why I want to punch that bitch in the face (Thanks Samario). I know she has a solo album out, and for the most part, I've ignored it because, well, I hate her and think that she ruined the once-legit group that was the Black-Eyed Peas with her her non-existent "lady lumps" and that manish face reconstructed after years of meth binging.

The funny thing is, I used to like her when I was little and she was on Kids Incorporated. I thought she could sing. So imagine my suprise when I saw lil Stacey shakin her boney ass and tryin to rap with the Peas. I was disgusted. Imagine my even bigger suprise when I heard the singing on this clip. Dayum girl. Meth got your tongue? And look at her attempting to move in those too high heels. She can barely shake anything for fear that she might fall on her face, thus cracking her veneers and bridge she had to get when the meth rotted all her teeth out. Now that wouldn't be pretty.

What makes the whole thing even worse is that she's tryin to bite of Supersonic by J.J. Fad. That's not a bad choice for a throwback, which makes me even angrier cuz that ho Fergie don' messed up Supersonic!!! And let's not talk about Will.i.am. He's on the list too, but that's another post entirely.

So before I get angry, watch the clip and judge for yourself.

SIDENOTE: Wassup with white chicks tryin to rap in general? Gwen Steffani got up and rapped last night too. I'm usually an equal opportunity hater, and trust me, Gwen is no rapper either, but I like her in general, so I won't hate on her as much as Fergie. But Gwen, back away from the mic (but don't bump the turntables) and let the real rappers handle it. K? You just go back to singing about how you're "just a girl" or about the "spiderwebs" and tell Pharell, who is also rap-impared , to stop allowing you to desecrate a sacred artform.

Weight Loss the "Ana" Way!

2006-12-04T10:54:00.000-07:00

I've lost 7 lbs in 5 days. Ask me how! Ask me how!

BY NOT EATING, BITCHES!!!

So, I'm sick and I haven't been able to eat anything but broth (yum) and baby food (double yum). I don't understand why I haven't gained weight on such fine cuisine. Anyhoo, the lack of fried cheesy meaty stuff (or anything else) has made me 7 lbs lighter. Am I happy about this?

Sure I am. Isn't anorexia the American way? You know how much of a patriot I am.

My family had juicy steak, potatoes and green beans last night. Ask me what I had! Ask me what I had!

Beechnut stage 1 apple sauce, 500mgs of vicodin, 750mgs of some anti-inflammatant that I cannot spell, and 1.5 tsps of Augmentin (antibiotic). Mmmm. Can't you just taste the yummy goodness? To make it even better, I got to take all my pills crushed and diluted in tea. Mmmm. I love the tast of medicine. I don't understand why I haven't been eating (or not eating) like this all my life!

Ok, so I'm all done being sarcastic. Actually, I'm just FUCKING PISSED that I can't eat. I'm hungry!!!!! I'm actually having hunger pangs. And if I have to swallow one more spoonful of broth, I'm just gonna try to choke on it to end my miserable existence! Y'all know can get downright bitchy when I don't eat (and when I do eat).

I don't understand how these bitches with eating disorders can do this. I'm absolutely miserable. Skinnier, but miserable. If I had the choice between actual food and 7lbs of weight loss, I'd take the food hands down - and its not like I couldn't stand to lose about 10 more.

I HATE BEING SICK!!!!!!

Motown-Okinawa??

2006-12-01T11:28:00.000-07:00

'Member how I went to see Boyz II Men last year? You don't? Well, I did and I wrote a post about Wanye sweatin in his pleather outfit. Anyhoo, looks like the Boyz are poised to make a comeback. I mean, they outsold Mr. SexyBack in Japan! That's right folks. Japan. I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried. Read on people, read on. . .

BOYZ II MEN PREP FOR A COMEBACK IN THE STATES: Group's new album outsells Beyonce, Janet in Japan

First week sales in Japan of Boyz II Men's new album "The Remedy" has beaten opening week totals from Beyonce's "B'Day," Janet Jackson's "20 Y.O."and Justin Timberlake's "FutureSex/LoveSounds," according to a release from the group's rep.

"While we are considering potential label deals here in the U.S., we decided to launch the new album overseas to Japan and Australia to test the market," says group member Wanya Morris.
Explaining their absence from the music scene on U.S. soil, group member Nathan Morris adds: "We experienced what many artists go through, once we were on top we expected more control and labels fought us so we took a break from recording and just toured.

"We realized that the industry wasn't going to wait for us. We went through a humbling time and a bit of a reality check, we knew that everyone was still praising our talent but there were many new artists coming up fast, we knew that we needed to work even harder this time around, so this album is sort of an epiphany for us and aptly named 'The Remedy.'"

This article appears courtesy of the EUR. Thanks Lee Bailey!

Black By Popular Demand . . .

2006-11-30T18:39:00.000-07:00

Ok, so the Election is long over, November 7th has come and gone, and since I'm sick in bed (and Romius is constantly harassing me), I will blog today.

I'm sorry I haven't been posting. Who knew that getting a job that requires you to leave the house everyday would cut into a sistah's bloggin time? This just goes to prove my point that work is for suckas!

Anyhoo, what could I talk about besides my own sad sad life, or the Iraq Civil War, or Bush being stood up by Al-Maliki? Eureka! I've got it. Let's talk about Britney Spears' nasty twizzat.

As an avid fan of TMZ and The Superficial and PerezHilton, I'm used to seeing shots of skanky starletts who don't know how to exit a vehicle without the world seeing all of their glory. But I'll be doggone if Britney hasn't taken the cake 3 times in 1 week. If I have to see 1 more crotch shot of Brit Brit, I may hunt her down Borat style, but instead of putting a sack over her tackily hair-weavedhead, I'll bring a nice clean pair of drawers to cover her flat ass. I might put a panty liner in because in 1 shot, she was lookin a lil leaky (that one was for you Quilty!).

Enough I say. I know she's suffering after her break-up with Fed-Ex (or as I call him, "the White Trash Pimp of the Year"), but you gotta go a long way to look less classy than Paris or Lindsay. I mean, I think Brit now ranks below Anna Nicole Smith (pre Trim Spa / gastric bypass).

Now, I must go take my pain medication. When I awake, I will begin another nonsensical rant!

I'M BACK, BITCHES!!!!

UPDATE: Don't you love how there's a picture of Shaggy over the kitty, but it's not shaggy! Get it? Ok, I need to lay off the Vicodin for a minute.

No, I'm not dead. I simply have a job!

2006-10-14T16:30:00.000-07:00

I must apologize to all 3 of you who have returned to my blog in hopes of finding a new post. I've just been extremely busy with work and haven't had much time to write. NO, I haven't died or dropped off the face of the Earth because I'm in love or anything like that. I really, truly have been busy with work.

I promise that after November 7th (election day) I will be back on track. I can assure you that I haven't missed one episode of Flavor of Love II, which is FUCKIN HILARIOUS and just as good as season 1 I might add. In fact, I may do a recap of tomorrow's finale for old time's sake.

So, I'll see ya when I see ya! Is that good enough right now Romius?

FLAVOR FLAAAAAV!

2006-08-02T10:32:00.000-07:00

If you don't know, now ya know! Flav is back and I'm watching the new episode on th V-Spot right now. I'm gonna have to save the recap for another day, however. So keep posted for Sunday!

I will say, however, that these skanks are a different breed entirely, which makes me long for the days of New York and Hottie!

SHOCKER! Lance Bass is Gay? I don't Believe it!

2006-07-26T12:04:00.000-07:00

I haveno further comment. Here's the story!

Pac is ALIVE!!!

2006-07-10T12:16:00.000-07:00

Now I'm not sayin that I watched the supposed lost episodes of Chapelle's Show last night, cuz I know my boy Dave wouldn't want me to. However, I did run across this skit about Tupac and laughed my ass off. I figured I'd post it for your viewing pleasure.

Bush Pilot - Well that explains everything!

2006-07-10T11:19:00.000-07:00


I found this on Crooks & Liars this morning, and then again on Google. Apparently, the video was produced by a German tv station. Makes perfect sense to me!

The Production Team of Dallas Austin n Orrin Hatch???

2006-07-08T10:56:00.000-07:00

I know y'all heard about Dallas Austin - aka Chili of TLC's babydaddy - was arrested and thrown in jail in Dubai for possession of cocaine, then miraculously let go several hours later. Well, who knew that Orrin Hatch (R - Utah) was involved?

Take a look at THIS STORY in the New York Times that connects the dots, and drops a lot of names like Lionel Richie and Quincy Jones.

Why White liberals will not be spared in the revolution!

2006-07-06T12:02:00.000-07:00

Joe Biden (D - Delaware) is a fuckin tard and he's moved from #5,476,413 to #1 on my list!

Check this out. This fool had the actual nerve to say on national tv (C Span - I know y'all don't watch it, but it does exist and it's national):

"I've Had A Great Relationship [With Indians]... You Cannot Go To A 7-Eleven Or A Dunkin Donuts Unless You Have A Slight Indian Accent. . . "

Wanna see the VIDEO? I thought you did.

Maybe I should call R Kelly and tell him to pull out his gat (please see previous post).

Come Out of the Closet Tom Cruise - Before R Kelly Pulls Out His Gat Again!

2006-07-06T11:56:00.000-07:00

So, in a total diss to Tom "L Ron" Cruise, the Emmy's have nominated the Trapped in the Closet episode of South Park for Best Animated Program. I say hoorah to the Academy (or whoever it is that does the Emmy's). And for your viewing pleasure, here is a good snippet of what I must say is the BEST episode in South Park history. I present to you Trapped in the Closet . . .

So I went to see Superman . . .

2006-07-02T19:09:00.000-07:00

and honestly, I wasn't that impressed. Mind you, I remember being a kid and my parents taking me to see all of the Superman movies - Superman II was and still is my favorite. So, I was really looking forward to Superman Returns. I even waited until Card Shark got back into town so we could see it together.

If you haven't seen it yet, THERE ARE SPOILERS BELOW, so STOP READING NOW if you don't wanna know what happens.

I was going to do a full recap of the entire movie, but at 2.5 hours, it would take me 4eva. So, I'm gonna give you guys Superman Returns: The Foxxxy Abridged Version.

Krypton explodes, cuz we didn't know that happened.
Superman comes back to Earth after a 5-year hiatus. He's cute for a white guy, but he's no Boris Kodjoe. . .
Lois Lane has just won a Pulitzer, even though she asks someone "how many f's in catastrophic?" AND she's shacked up with her "babydaddy," or so we think . . .
Clark Kent is a dork and Lois is a total bitch to him.
Jimmy is a gay homosexual who is clearly in love with Clark Kent.
Ooh, and Lex Luthor and Kitty Kowalski are the absolute best thing about the movie, even though Lex showed some old broad "pleasures she's never experienced before." GROSS!
Truth, justice, and that all that other stuff . . .
Some shit crashes and blows up and stuff.
Superman saves the world from bank robbers, because that's way more important that fighting genocide or stopping terrorism and stuff like that. How about ending that Israeli/Palestinian conflictin Gaza? No? Bank robbers are more important? Ok then, Supe.
Did I mention Lois is a total hobag?
Lex Luthor should really just stop all this world domination stuff and become a glorified real estate agent.
Superman is really Jesus. I mean, just like God, Jor-El gave his only son to the people of Earth. I missed that one in Bible study. Oh wait, I didn't go to Bible study.
Superman, somehow, can move an entire island filled with Krytonite. Who knew?
Lois Lane is a ho . . . who passes off Superman's kid as someone else's.
Superkid could really kick ass if he wasn't so sickly. I think maybe he's Mr. Glass's baby and Lois is an even bigger ho than I thought.
Superman lives, and so does everyone else - BORING.
The end!

Normally, I would say more, but it just wasn't that interesting to begin with. The special effects were good, but nothing groundbreaking or new. The story is the same over and over again, so nothing new there either. Though Kevin Spacey and Parker Posey were great, Kate Bosworth is not convincing as a Pulitzer winner or a mother (but she's got the ho thing in the bag). So, if you ask me, I think I should've gone to see The Devil Wears Prada. So should you!

Snakes on a Muthaf*ckin Plane

2006-06-28T22:50:00.000-07:00

You may laugh, but mark my words. Snakes on a Plane is going to be the feel-good movie of the summer. Who cares about Superman? Pirates of the Carribean? Ok, so maybe I do. But I care waaaaay more about Snakes on a Plane, suckas!

Enjoy the teaser!

In Defense of Star Jones Reynolds

2006-06-28T13:20:00.000-07:00

Those of you who know me also know that I HATE THE VIEW! What a waste of television space. I mean, they could run another "Paternity Test" episode of Maury in that time slot and I would be perfectly happy!

But, The View didn't have to do Star like that! What do I mean? Well, yesterday, Star announced that she would not be returning next season. Barbara Wawa claims to have been surprised by Star's announcement. That's odd, because we all saw it coming (partly due to Rosie O'Donnell being announced as Meredith Vierra's replacement), and apparently, Wawa and the network knew this was coming for months. In fact, Star was supposed to announce her departure Thursday - so Wawa is full of shit - and formaldehye!

But here's the kicker. One day after Star's announcement, she was told not to come back, even though she was contracted to stay until mid-July. Now that's harsh! Wawa said "It has become uncomfortable for us to pretend everything is the same at this table. ... Therefore, regrettably, Star will no longer be on this program."

Wow, the turning of the knife in the back only takes a day or so around ABC.

Well, in Star's announcement, she said the show decided to go in another direction (yes, the one where everyone stops watching because Meredith is gone and Rosie "psycho" O'Donnell will fill her chair space, which is hard for that ass!). In an interview with People, Star said that she felt like she was being fired as the network decided not to renew her contract. Sounds about right to me.

Star's announcement was characterized as a "betrayal" by Wawa. Oooh! Star made the announcement 2 days early. Big betrayal there! Seems to me that Star was betrayed as Wawa didn't have her back at all in the contract negotiations. In fact, she hired Rosie O'Donnell, Star's archenemey, then had the nerve to say that Star's contract wasn't renewed because "research showed Reynolds' dramatic weight loss and 2004 wedding to banker Al Reynolds was a turn-off for viewers."

Ok. I can get with that. What I can't get with is how every single one of those dizzy bitches didn't skew low on the old viewer opinion-meter. Seriously, they're all nuts (except for Vierra who will move on to the Today show and who's seat will be filled by Rosie O'Donnell's ass. I feel bad for that seat). Joy is annoying and NOT FUNNY. Elisabeth is a CONSERVATIVE FREAKSHOW. And don't get me started on Wawa, who looks more and more like the CRYPT KEEPER everyday.

To make matters worse, Rosie O'Donnell is coming in the fall. Truth be told, I loved Rosie's show back in the day. I'm completely convinced that had she decided to stay on the air, she'd still be a success, regardless of her sexuality. However, she left the show, got an ugly lesbian hairdo, and turned into a complete SLAG, writing horrible poetry on her blog and talking shit about everyone, including Star Jones Reynolds. She's no longer the likable person she once was, which I hope and pray spells disaster for The View.

Now don't get me wrong. I'm no Star Jones Reynolds fan. She looks strange now that she's lost all that weight. I think she's a nutjob for marrying a man that is clearly too gay to function (thanks Mean Girls). The wedding swag was a bit excessive and tacky. And the "sexy" excerpts from her book gave me the creeps.

However, as annoying and strange as she is, she's no more annoying or strange as the rest of those hags (emphasis on the "hags"). I especially hate Elisabeth. She's a fucking republican twit with absolutely nothing to offer . . . except for her womb to breed future republicans.

As an original cast member, Star is part of the reason for the continued success of the show - and only God knows why it's successful. I'm actually not seeing Wawa's point about the audience disliking Star. They still tuned in every week. They bought her book. She's even in the process of developing her own show, which now I hope is more successful than The View purely out of spite.

The fact that Wawa and the powers that be turned on Star shows how little class they have. Essentially, they made her pack her boxes, asked for her garage card, and escorted her out of the building. That's the way to treat someone who's made you rich and has been loyal for 10 years! Dayum, she didn't even get a send-off (like Meredith, Katie Couric, or Charlie Gibson). She just got the boot! And they didn't let the shoe leather cool off any, because they've already taken her out of the show's opening credits and there is no sight of her on the website.

For these transgressions, I will no longer watch The View. Oh, wait. I never watched that shitty show in the first place. Well, I never will!

There is no "O" in Prada!!!

2006-06-26T18:34:00.000-07:00

I have a really funny story to tell about this weekend, but I'm not sure if I should. So, I need a vote. For those of you who know what I'm talking about, should I or shouldn't I?

I told the story to a friend today, and I think it would really be a good blog entry. So, clearly, my vote is yes!

Your Older Brother Made You Gay! Nanny Nanny Boo Boo.

2006-06-26T12:05:00.000-07:00

Did you know that men with older brothers are more likely to be gay?

. . . and if I had white parents, I would more likely be white?

Jesus, must there be a study on every-fuckin-thing? And why in world would anyone report this stupid study? Why can't men be gay just because?

The only people who really care about these silly gay studies (tee hee hee) are:

(1) religious freaks trying to figure out how to make themselves or their "loved" ones un-gay, or

(2) bitter gay men who want to stick it to their homophobic parents by blaming them for their gay-ity.

I completely condone group 2!

Thank Goodness the Book Club is Over!

2006-06-23T11:19:00.000-07:00

Did I not get the memo about people from Arizona having to embarass themselves on national television? First, there was Paradise Hotel, where every other guest was an ASU co-ed making a fool of him or herself. Then there was My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance, where the Catholic School teacher from Scottsdale had to convince her family she was marrying the fat bartender from Grey's Anatomy. She was eventually fired for making a mockery of marriage.

Now there is Tuesday Night Book Club. Or, at least, there was Tuesday Night Book Club. Apparently, CBS didn't see fit to follow the boring lives of some boring, not-so-rich, Scottsdale women in the style of Desperate Housewives. After 2 episodes, Book Club has been cancelled and replaced with reruns of 48 Hours Mystery. How bad does a show have to be to get replace by a 48 Hours spin-off? Well, I'll tell ya how bad . . .

I was one of the suckers who watched the first episode of Book Club and lemme tell ya that I felt dumber for having watched. It followed around some really ugly women who were supposedly rich Scottsdalites . . . Scottsdalians . . . Scottsdalinos. Whatever. They were cheaters, self-absorbed, boring, and really really rehearsed. Oh, and the whole mess was narrated by someone trying to sound like the woman from Desperate Housewives.

Here's the thing. People like Desperate Housewives for a few very obvious reasons. First, the actresses are all "beautiful" (although that's debatable. you seen Terri Hatcher's crow's feet and cadaverous body lately?). Next, there writers to make the women of Wysteria Lane interesting so that people actually care about the characters, even if they are vapid and self-absorbed.

Book Club was missing both elements. The women on this show were straight up dawgs. I mean, one had poofy poodle-like hair for cryin out loud. They do have salons in Scottsdale. I've been to one or two! Another one, a professional fitness model (or something), looked like she's had every ounce of fat sucked from her overly tanned body, although her face was as pale as a ghost. Oh, and she looked more of a man than her misogynistic firefighter hubby! The one saving grace was the younger blonde party girl, but she was so skanky and stupid that her "hotness" ceases to matter. I think I caught an STD just watching her on the screen.

Oh, and these women are shallow and BORING! I didn't care about any of them, which is sad because they're actually real people and they live about 20 minutes down the road. Not one of them had one redeeming quality. Even the divorcee who worked full time and felt guilty about not spending more time with her kids was boring and rehearsed. I guess she wasn't eaten up inside about subjecting her kids to cameras following them around for Lord only knows how long. I didn't even care that the bodybuilder's husband was a meat-headed prick because she was the dingbat that married that loser.

In all, that show was a hot mess! I'm glad it's gone. Since I missed the memo, I'm issuing my own . . .

MEMORANDUM

To: Every single person in Arizona

From: Foxxxylove

Date: June 23, 2006

Re: Reality TV Show Ban

The people of Arizona, in an effort to acquire some shame, should keep their tired asses off of reality tv for at least 2 full television seasons. That way, you can't ruin life for the rest of us upstanding citizens! It's bad enough we have to live in the fucking desert. Must we endure your foolishness making us all look like soul-less, over-sexed, spoiled rich brats who clearly need good good stylists and a dye job? For the good of the community, please STOP IT RIGHT NOW!

Apparently I have a CRACKISH stalker or two . . .

2006-06-23T03:17:00.000-07:00

Let me tell a lil story. Once upon a time, I dated a man who I thought was nice, but he wasn't the cutest thing on the planet. I stayed with him even though I found out he was certifiably crazy. I tried to leave and he threatened to kill himself. When I finally wiggled my way out, he ran off and married a but-her-faced friend of mine a few weeks later. They became swingers and wifey, a fellow law student, used her financial aid to get a boob job (and a horrible one at that) so that she could pursue a career in stripping! How can anyone be pissed about that situation? I got out. They hooked up. I moved on with Card Shark.

Since then, I haven't wasted 2 minutes thinking about these two clowns . But on occasion, I'll run into them, or one will send me emails about how happy they are. I don't respond. Well, that was 2 years ago, so one would think that they would move on just as I had. Apparently not.

2 days ago, I get a request to add a friend on my MySpace. I didn't have a clue who this person was until I went to the site and saw the ex and stripper-wifey's pics. I just ignored it.

Then I check the comments on my blog and I see one that is so obviously left by the wedded-duo (either one or both of them). I erased the comment because it was stupid (yes I passed the bar and yes I do have a job), but I thought I'd dedicate an entire post to them because it is so obvious that it is what they want, and who am I to disappoint. So here goes . . .

For the record, I'm sorry that your sham marriage is so unfulfilling that you have to be bothered with stalking me on the Internets (and yes, I did say Internets with an "s"). To him: I'm sorry I never loved you, but you didn't love me either. Obsession is NOT love. So, stop being obsessed with me! To her: I'm sorry that you're face looks like that of a horse. I'm also sorry that you're so insecure that you have to throw yourself at people in order to get them to notice you. Good grief, suckas. Move on and leave me out of your crackish lives!

I think that was mean enough. Don't you?

Racist Post of the Day

2006-06-22T17:06:00.000-07:00

My brother posted this as a MySpace bulletin. I thought I'd share.

10 TRUTHS BLACK AND HISPANIC PEOPLE KNOW, BUT WHITE PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT:
1. Elvis is dead.
2. Dating a cousin is not right.
3. Rap music is here to stay.
4. Kissing your pet is not cute or clean.
5. Skinny does not equal sexy.
6. Thomas Jefferson had black children.
7. A 5 year old child is too big for a stroller.
8. N'SYNC will never hold a candle to the Jackson 5 . . . or New Edition
9. An occasional BUTT whooping helps a child stay in line.
10. Having your children curse you out in public is not normal.

10 TRUTHS WHITE AND BLACK PEOPLE KNOW, BUT HISPANIC PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT:
1. Hickey's are not attractive.
2. Chicken is food, not a roommate.
3. Jesus is not a name for your son.
4. Your country's flag is not a car decoration.5
. Maria is a name but not for every daughter.
6. "Jump out and run" is not in any insurance policies.
7. 10 people to a car is considered too many.
8. Buttoning just the top button of your shirt is a bad fashion statement.
9. Mami and Papi can't possibly be the nickname of every person in yourfamily.
10. Letting your children run wildly through the store is not normal.

10 TRUTHS WHITE AND HISPANIC PEOPLE KNOW, BUT BLACK PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT:
1. O.J. did it.
2. Tupac is dead.
3. Teeth should not be decorated.
4. Weddings should start on time.
5. Your pastor doesn't know everything.
6. Jesse Jackson will never be President.
7. RED is not a Kool Aid flavor, it's a color.
8. Church does not require expensive clothes.
9. Crown Royal bags are meant to be thrown away.
10. Your rims and sound system should not be worth more than your car.

To my NDN peeps: Don't feel left out. I can make up one for you right on the spot! And in the immortal words of Triple T Becenti, "Skin, you're in!"

10 TRUTHS BLACK, WHITE, AND HISPANIC PEOPLE KNOW BUT INDIANS WON'T ADMIT:
1. Hickey's are not attractive.
2. Even if you move your lips in one direction while saying "over derrr," I still don't know which way to go.
3. Wearing tight Wranglers doesn't make you look like you have a butt when you don't.
4. Shorts and a tee shirt do not constitute a swimsuit and sneakers aren't the same as flippers
5. Even if you are Indian, white people still think you're Mexican.
6. That song "Apache, Jump on It" by the Sugar Hill Gang is the joint!
7. Turquoise bling just isn't the same thing.
8. "Ehhhheeeee?" is not the same thing as using an actual question mark at the end of a sentence.
9. Wassup with the country music?
10. Dave Anderson really is the NDN Al Roker, except Al is wayyyy cooler!

My "raison d'etre" has returned. Republicans suffer from "dickishness."

2006-06-20T19:39:00.000-07:00

At least, that's according to Dan Bakkendahl of the Daily Show.

Here's the story, which I pulled from Huffington Post:

The Daily Show's Dan Bakkedahl reported last night on the crisis gripping Congressional-league softball in D.C. this season after the Republican players split off into their own league in response to more inclusive regulations proposed by Democrats. According to the Wall Street Journal (and The Daily Show), the Republicans "seceded" from the league after the Democratic commissioner, Gary Caruso, permitted below-average teams to compete in the playoffs. The WSJ and Daily Show cited several emails accusing the league of being "all about Softball Welfare" and accusing Caruso of "punishing success and rewarding failure - He's a Democrat. Waddya' expect?"

Bakkedahl, however, was thwarted in his attempt to talk to the Republican players, who refused to go on the record, and, according to Bakkedahl, Comedy Central wouldn't allow any footage of Republican team members to be aired. Bakkedahl's response provides a hilarious soundbite:

Citing "Chapter 84, Section 14 of the Electronic Communication Regulation Act...which allows us to record and broadcast phone calls" Bakkedahl picked up the phone, put it on speaker, and called Bob Honold, legislative assistant to Virginia Foxx (R-N.C.) and captain of one Republican team, who had earlier refused to be interviewed. Honold (who was very cordial) once again declined to comment, at which point Bakkedahl let fly with a hilarious (if rhetorical) question:

"Would you say that your decision to storm out in the middle of an interview reflects a general dickishness amongst Republicans that's probably responsible for the fact that New Orleans is under water? And I will take a hang up to mean yes."

(Dial tone)

Bakkedahl subsequently noted that there was no "i" in team, but there were two "i"s in "dickishness."

So DICKISH is officially new slang that I will use repeatedly, and at least as much as I use my favorites - crackish and gaycist.

Last week was a bad week so you all should pity me!

2006-06-20T19:19:00.000-07:00

You know that horrible song "You Had A Bad Day . . .?" Well, I seriously had a bad week. First, me and the boss lady were at eachother's throats and I'm at the point where I'm ready to walk away from my job without a back-up (sound famiiar?). Next, I didn't get the job that I wanted in DC - dayum Navajo preference!

But the icing came in the form of my car accident Friday night. I'm ok, but my whip is a lil more ghetto than it was previously. After having dealt with my insurance company, I finally get to take it to the shop tomorrow. I got the citation, but I'm fighting it, dammit!

When I find the humor in all of this, or if I find a reason to carry on, I'll write something witty. Until then, pity me!

RACIST Picture of the Day II - Bush's Border Plan

2006-06-12T22:15:00.000-07:00

Again, I apologize, but it ain't my fault! Suggest a better caption if you must!

RACIST Picture of the Day - Navajo Hooker

2006-06-12T22:00:00.000-07:00

I know, I know. It's bad, but it's funny! Come up with a better caption if you can!

U Gotta Let a Ho Be a Ho (the remix)

2006-06-12T16:48:00.000-07:00

I got this hilarious email today from a friend of mine. He gave me permission to print it. Names and locations have been changed to protect the innocent. . . and the hos getting fucked on top of the sink (foreshadowing anyone?).

alright, so check this shit out. this is the stuff i wanted to talk to you about over the phone, but when you called me back, i was back in the office... and my office walls have ears like you would not believe. it seems that the only thing keeping this place together is the gossip that keeps everyone talkin' to each other (damn navajos... lol).

anyway, so yeah - for literally weeks, my best friend and his younger brother have been trying to set me up with this girl they both know. she's a white chick (figure that) from illinois who works as an engineer for the mine (say it with me, "booo!"). i met her a few weeks back and i have to say, i was surprised; she was really cute and was capable of carrying on an intelligent conversation; WAY more that i was expecting. this is afterall, BFE. so i'm thinkin' "thank fucking god! FINALLY. I'm is gonna get some poonannay...". or so i thought.

fast forward 2 weeks. my friends younger brother and i meet up with lil' miss engineer at a bar in BFE (so classy!). things are going really well, i buy her a few drinks, we're talkin', dancin', etc. all the while, my friend is hangin' with his own group, havin' a blast. we end up closing out the bar around 1:45am and head back to my friend's place.

here's where EVERYTHING. WENT. HORRIBLY. WRONG.

we get to the spot and everyone is really, really buzzed, including myself (even though technically, i'm not supposed to be drinkin' anymore, a fact that would later be important). so she and i have a seat on the couch while my friend heads to the kitchen to make shots for us and the people who came back with us (about 4-5).

3 rounds of tequila shots later, she an i are all over each other on the couch (yes, a huge drunken make-out session in front of my friend and a few total strangers. 'cause i'm smooth like that.) well all of this 'excitement' must have done something to my blood sugar, because somewhere in there, she got up to pee and get another drink. at that time, i BLACKED THE FUCK OUT. i was GONE. (later i was told that this was a result of the high levels of alcohol i had ingested not getting along with the medicine i'm on.)

anyway, i was out for a... while. for like, hours. i came to still slumped on the couch, my head resting against a cold, hard, brick wall. i stood up immediately. bad move. i came crashing to my knees. the reason? i was still TORE THE FUCK UP. at this point, all i could manage was the following: i have no idea where i am. all i know is that i was with my bro and his friends... and a girl... what was her name again?

wow. i need to take a wiz. with that, i gathered what motor skills i had and set out in search of answers... and a toilet. my friend's place was pitch black. luckily, i was able to feel my way down the hall to where i *thought* the bathroom might be. things were pretty quiet so i figured everyone had gone home. um, no. i turned the corner into the bathroom and turned the light on. and what did i see to my suprise? my bro FUCKING engineer chickie ON TOP OF THE SINK. can you say awkward? yup. that... that was not what i expected to see when i turned that light on. nope. with that, i turned around and headed back to the living room and crashed out on the couch. and during all of that, i somehow lost the desire to pee.

figure that... the sunlight of the early morning was enough to get my attention and i was up around 6am. i took a look around and realized that some shit must have gone down the night before. his place was tore the fuck up! i guess i slept through the after-party. i ignored my splitting headache and did a quick search. luckily, no one had tried to jack my wallet, keys or cell-phone. with that i made my way to the door and headed on home.

a few days later, i got a call from engineer chickie. i didn't answer it and she didn't leave a vm. what could you possibly say if you were in her shoes? "hey, sorry i fucked your friend on the sink. call me." my friend has been guilt-ridden since it happened, and his brother is seriously pissed at him... and i think he's a little pissed at me for not being madder at his brother. but i don't think i can hold a drunken screw against him. it's better that i caught her bein' a ho when she was just a hook-up prospect that after she became a girlfriend, right? that's how i see it.

so anyway, all that 'fuckin' on the sink' action kinda killed the potential of my one hook-up prospect. but there is hope. not so much for a hook-up, but maybe a relationship? ...assuming i even wanna go there right now. i have a date later this week with the girl i took to prom in highschool. we will see how it goes. at the very least, i've proven that it's not COMPLETELY impossible to find someone to date that i'm NOT related to.

... at least i *think* i'm not related to her...

RIP Billy Preston

2006-06-06T12:09:00.000-07:00

Soul singer Billy Preston, often referred to as the 5th Beatle (because he played keyboard for them) died in Scottsdale today at 59. Billy is know for songs like "Nothin from Nothin," "Outta Space," and my personal favorite "Will It Go Round In Circles."

I would post a picture, but I've been having problems with this function lately.

Ann Coulter is a heinous conservative bitch who hates homosexuals and 9-11 widows!

2006-06-06T09:38:00.000-07:00

There was this girl in my law school class named ANNE-LEIGH MOE. She was a tall blonde from Florida who stood for the Christian Right. She was also an IDIOT (and not of the savant variety). In a drunken moment at a bar, my hot gay boyfriend decided to tell her "Ann-Leigh Moe: You're a heinous conservative bitch who hates homosexuals!" Laughable, yes!

So who knew that when I woke up this morning and watched the Today Show, I'd be able to apply that statement to another Ann - Ann Coulter that is. She's tall. She's blonde. She's from Florida (or maybe not). She's heinous. She's conservative. She's a BITCH! Oh, and apparently, this morning she hates the following:

Gay Marriage
Bill Clinton
9-11 widows
Harriet Miers
and Matt Lauer

This morning, she was on Today with Matt Lauer to publicize her new book (oh god, not another one) Godless: The Church of Liberalism. In her book, she describes 9-11 widows like so:

These self-obsessed women seem genuinely unaware that 9-11 was an attack on our nation and acted like as if the terrorist attack only happened to them. They believe the entire country was required to marinate in their exquisite personal agony. Apparently, denouncing bush was part of the closure process.

and it gets better . . .

These broads are millionaires, lionized on TV and in articles about them, reveling in their status as celebrities and stalked by griefparrazies. I have never seen people enjoying their husband’s death so much.

Ok. With her idiotic ranting voice, which often remind me of a Tourette's-induced fit, this bitch had the nerve to insult freakin 9-11 widows! I mean, the homophobia and Clinton bashing are nothing new, but 9-11 widows? Ann, c'mon. Are you really running out of groups to hate? Why don't you just turn that hate inward, because you're really the one you should despise! I despise you! Hell, I hate you just as much as I hate ANNE-LEIGH MOE (clearly, I want her to google herself and end up here - HELL!!! bwahahahah).

Courtesy of Crooks and Liars, check out the video. It's par for the course for Ann, but somehow, her general evil disposition gets to me every time!

What a know-it-all!!

2006-06-06T08:57:00.000-07:00

And she does. Check out my girl Knows It All cuz she's too too funny!!!!

On a side note, I'm so glad to be back bloggin. I've got a lot of funny stuff to tell y'all about.

Compliments of Scrappy!

2006-06-05T23:22:00.000-07:00

The World's Shortest Fairytale

Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy "will you marry me?" The guy said "No" And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to> cook, stayed skinny and farted whenever she wanted.

The end

I'm no Jesus freak . . .

2006-06-05T22:04:00.000-07:00

But goddamn! . . . or maybe I shouldn't say that for I might too end up in the belly of a beast.

Lioness in zoo kills man who invoked God

How could I, in good conscience, fail to comment on this jewel? Now, before you all throw your hands up in shame at the following comments, please remember that I believe that it is indeed tragic when anyone dies such a horrible death - even if they do deserve it.

Anyhoo, this Russian guy who clearly threw back a few too many vodka cocktails this afternoon, decided that he would lower himself into the lions den at the zoo, shouting "God will save me, if he exists!"

Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't Jonah get swallowed by the whale? I sho don't remember him getting mauled - Sigfried and Roy sytle I might add - by a lion. I guess this guy really didn't believe in God because he got the story all wrong, huh?

As I read this story, my belief in God only deepened. I mean, there are a few ways you could look at this, but they all end with the truth that God does exists. Ponder with me . . .

God so loved this man that he decided to put him out of his misery, as he was clearly a special brand of tard.
God, realizing he messed up this one, decided to put this fool out of his misery at the zoo instead of allowing him to be run over by a semi as he stumbled in his drunken stooper onto the freeway.
God thinks, "How dare that bastard question my existence? I gave him my only begotten son (although I might have to go to Maury to get a paternity test because I heard Mary was a jump-off), and he questions my authori-tah? F*** him."
God, who is the God of all creatures, decided that the lioness needed an afternoon snack.
God thought it would be funny to watch dude get chowed. I mean, didn't you?

So, to all you Atheists out there, you betta watch your backs. You might get mauled! Pat Robertson would be proud of me!

It's been a long long time!

2006-06-05T22:03:00.000-07:00

So, my grown ass got wrapped up in the whole MySpace phenomenon. But after some gentle ribbing from a beatch who lives in Bosnia (and ain't that a shame) and my girl from Carolina, I guess I have to call it a comeback. I promise not to leave ya'll hangin anymore.

And because I needed something positive today, I'll share this one.

2006-04-21T14:46:00.000-07:00

I should be working, but instead, I'm watching Dr. Phil, who I might add that I can't stand (I must really not want to work). Anyhoo, he just did a piece on this group called the Urban Entertainment Institute. It's a group of kids from South Central LA who do all aspects of performing arts. Their instruction is free and all of the classes are tought by former students.

One of the founders of the group, Fred Martin (Jackson Browne is also a founder), said something that struck me because of all the commenting on Whitney Houston. He said that performing arts keep kids out of trouble (which is true), and when a child takes an active interest in the arts and they excel, they no longer make poor choices. I wholeheartedly agree. I danced, sang and played softball. All of these things kept me focused and out of trouble - I knew that if I messed up, I couldn't participate.

Being in South Central, you can imagine that the Urban Entertainment Institute is vital for its students. These kids are amazing! I just checked out some of their performances on the website. I'm a big sucker for children's performing groups (I was in one myself way back in the day), so I plan to make a small donation to the organization. I think you guys should do the same.

Check out the Urban Entertainment Institute

Pussycat Dolls . . . for real!

2006-04-21T14:27:00.000-07:00

File this under WTF.

Sexy Girl Group “The Pussycat Dolls” Creating Dolls, Marketing To 6-9 Year Olds...

And people wonder why little girls are such hoochie coochies these days. I don't know whose brilliant idea this was (Hasbro), but I'll be sure to run out and buy the whole set for my buddy Romius. That and a new tube of Mary Kate & Ashley gel.

And since I'm pissing Christians off these days

2006-04-21T14:14:00.000-07:00

I might as well post this story too.

Gwinnett Mom Battles Harry Potter

Harry Potter has a new foe -- a Gwinnett County parent who wants the popular boy wizard books banned from Gwinnett County school libraries.

On Thursday afternoon, parents and students spoke at a hearing that will ultimately decide whether the books will stay or go.

People who love the books say they are happy that kids are reading the books as much as they are. They say that the books are ultimately about good versus evil. But opponents say that the books with their magic wands and spells are all about evil.“I’m a true example of how Harry Potter books can open your life to witchcraft,” said Jordan Susch.

Oh, but there is more.

I wonder if Whitney Houston would be healed if this woman spent more time praying for her instead of chasing away Harry Potter.

Why I LOVE the 9th Circuit!

2006-04-21T14:09:00.000-07:00

In a 2-1 decision, the U.S. 9th Circuit Court of Appeals said that a T-shirt that proclaimed "Be Ashamed, Our School Embraced What God Has Condemned'' on the front and "Homosexuality Is Shameful'' on the back was "injurious to gay and lesbian students and interfered with their right to learn.'' The court said that the shirt can be barred on a public high school campus without violating the 1st Amendment. --Los Angeles Times

Check out Bill Robinson's commentary. He's not gaycist!

Guess who's coming to Arizona?

2006-04-20T09:08:00.000-07:00

That's right, bitches. Whitney Houston (aka Whittey Hutton by those of you familiar with Hustle Man on Martin) has checked her cracked out ass into a rehab in Tucson. And to pay homage to this once shining star, I've provided a photo presentation. I call it "Crack is Cheap!"

A thought for the day

2006-04-19T16:46:00.000-07:00

Elton John was right!

2006-04-18T11:23:00.001-07:00

Saturday night really is alright for fighting. Apparently, one woman named Cici thought so when she threatened to kick my ass on Saturday. Let's rewind, shall we.

My name is Foxxxy Love. That implies that 2 things: (1) I'm a lover AND (2) I'm not a fighter. In fact, in my 28 years, I've NEVER EVER EVER been in a fight. And frankly, no one has EVER EVER EVER wanted to fight me let alone threaten to kick my ass. That's understandable, because I'm me!

So, Saturday, I was asked to fill in as karaoke host at a dive in Phoenix. I used to work there in another life, so when the regular Saturday host cancelled, the owner called me and asked me to do him the favor. He's a cool guy, I would make lots of money in tips, and I would get free drinks. Obviously, I agreed to do it against my better judgment. Did I mention that pimps, hos, and drug dealers frequent this fine karaoke establishment?

Anyhoo, I get there and the show is going well. Palma and KiowaQtee were already there to support me while getting me exceptionally liquored up. Then in walks CiCi. She's some short, fat, ugly chick lookin like she's done some hard time (and come to find out, she had) who's clearly drunk as a skunk and just plain annoying. She walks up to the booth and says "I wanna sang Lauryn Hill!"

This is a good moment to digress just a little. I HATE IT WHEN ANYONE SINGS LAURYN HILL (except for me). Why, you might ask. The explanation is relatively simple. NO ONE IN A KARAOKE BAR CAN SING AS WELL AS LAURYN HILL, SO WHY TRY? Did I mention that I'm exempted from the rule because . . . well . . . I just am, dammit. Now, back to the story.

So, I look at CiCi and say "You betta sing that song, gurl!" The Lord ought to strike me down for eggin that bitch on before Easter like that. She replies in a drunken slur "I always do!" I'm thinking to myself, "BITCH PLEASE!" So the vamp to Killing Me Softly starts and Palma and A-dae look at me. They know how I feel about anyone singing Lauryn Hill, so they just shake their heads. They too know of the impending torture.

Cici curls her smoke stained lips and lets out the most awful rendition of Killing Me Softly I think I've ever heard. Seriously, I thought my ears were bleeding. I grab the mic and say "Ya'll give it up for CiCi!!!" You could hear crickets in the background. Did the lack of applause deter CiCi? NO! She put in a list of 5 or 6 songs to sing throughout the night. At that point, I knew the Lord had forsaken me.

The night goes on. At some point, Isa slips in the bar (after we called and texted her to bring her sorry ass out of the house because the GLAAD awards couldn't have been that interesting). I was working and talking to folks. CiCi was hovering around my table and my friends being loud, but hell, it's a bar. At some point, KiowaQtee tells CiCi that Isa is a LEZBEIN. And this is where the downward spiral gets a little steeper.

About 30 minutes later, Isa comes behind the Host table.

Isa: Love, protect me! That woman is scaring me.
Foxxxy: Who?
Isa: Her. CiCi.
Foxxxy: Ok, just stand back here with me. I know that bitch is crazy, but what did she do?
Isa: Well, KiowaQtee told her I was a lesbian, so now she's flirting with me.
Foxxxy: Eeew. She nasty!
Isa: Yes, and she's been to prison.
Foxxxy: Really.
Isa: Yes. She told me she used to sleep with women when she was in prison for 4 years.
Foxxxy: Hmmm. Well, I guess you gotta do what you gotta do. HA! What was she in for?
Isa: Drugs. Protect me Love!

So, Isa is sitting in my chair while I'm holding down the karaoke fort. She starts to tear up at one point, but I'll let her tell that story. Actually, she does it quite nicely on her Myspace.

Anyway, CiCi is on her 800th song when I "accidentally" cut it off in the middle. "I'm sorry CiCi. I pressed the wrong button. B-Rad, you're up next!" CiCi was a wittle upset wif me, but I said I'd try to get her in again before closing. Keyword - TRY.

It's about 10 minutes to close and B-Rad slips a 20 in my tip jar. What does that mean? B-Rad gets to sing for the last 10 minutes is what that means. Oh, and I get the last song. So, I clear all of the other singers off the board and start packing up. CiCi waddles her fat ass up to the table. Or maybe ambles is a better word. Regardless, she wants to know when she gets to sing her last song.

Foxxxy: Sorry CiCi. B-Rad gave me a big tip, so he gets to sing whatever he wants and it's 10 minutes til close.
CiCi: But I want to sing.
Foxxxy: Honey, everyone wants to sing. However, we close in 10 minutes and B-Rad gave me a good tip.
CiCi: I tipped you earlier. I gave you my last two dollars!

PAUSE: Last 2 dollars? Bitch, that won't even buy you 2 notes at this point in the night! UNPAUSE.

Foxxxy: CiCi, you didn't tip me and even if you did, you didn't give me $20.
CiCi: My husband just tipped you.

PAUSE: Who knew she had a husband? Come to find out, they beat up on each other! Regardless, that negro slipped a whole dollar bill in my tip jar. Again, that would not buy 1 note considering I just got a $20 and other people had been tipping more all night long. I'm a business woman. UNPAUSE

Foxxxy: $1 is not gonna help. B-Rad just gave me $20.

CiCi walks away, but then she comes back. Oh joy!

CiCi: I just want you to admit you owe me a song because you messed up my other song.
Foxxxy: You're right. I did mess up your song, but I said I'd TRY to get you up again. I didn't promise you anything. Besides, B-Rad just gave me $20, so he just bought the last few minutes. If you have a problem, take it up with him.

I know I can be a smart-ass bitch, but who cares. It's only karaoke, right? WRONG. CiCi starts getting irate and pumpin her fists tellin me I didn't have to come at her like that. I just looked at her with that look that I give crazy people (ya'll know the one) and said "CiCi, back up! You're drunk, so you need to calm down." Well, I apparently missed the memo that says telling a drunk person to calm down only makes them more hysterical.

CiCi starts yelling and screaming at this point. I will say this. Although I've NEVER been in a fight, I don't scare easily at all and I don't back down from confrontation. I looked at her with a sinister smirk and said "CiCi, back the fuck up!" I then grabbed the mic from B-Rad and started singing A Long Walk while this bitch is yellin at me from across the table. I just acted like she wasn't even there, which of course, pissed her off even more.

At that point, Ira and CiCi's husband saw what was going on. Ira came over to try and calm CiCi down. CiCi's husband stood there like a dumbass who looked like he was scared to get beat! Then Palma, Isa, and KiowaQtee saw the commotion. The were all "what's going on?" Then, I saw about 6 men throughout the bar tense up, looking ready to move on CiCi.

PAUSE: Here's the thing about my dive in Phoenix. It's a dive, but I feel safe there. When you're nice to the pimps and drug dealers and burn outs, they always have your back! UNPAUSE.

CiCi is furious. She starts calling me all kinds of bitch. Then she sits down right in front of me and says "I'mma wait for you to finish so I can kick your ass!" SKREAAJREJAKR! WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM BITCH? SO I DIDN'T LET YOU SING AGAIN, WHICH WAS REALLY DOING A HUGE FAVOR TO EVERYONE ELSE IN THE ROOM. BUT IS A KARAOKE SONG WORTH FIGHTING FOR? I THINK NOT!

I turn the music way down and leave up the mic. Usually, when I do that, it means I'm about ot embarass somebody. In this case, I wanted her fat ass gone. Remember how I don't fight. Saturday was not gonna be the day to start!

I say in the most assholeish (yes, i said assholeish, dammit) way imaginable, "Julie, CiCi is up here threatening to kick my ass, so she needs to go!" CiCi doesn't stop yelling, of course. She says "I'mma kick your ass!" again. I say "Or I could call the police."

Funny how when you mention police to ex-cons, they SHUT THE FUCK UP. Oh, then her husband wants to escort her out of the builing. His bitch ass shoulda done that about 10 minutes earlier.

Oh, but it doesn't stop there. KiowaQtee gets up and is going after CiCi, talkin about how she's from the rez and knows how to fight. "I'll kick her ass!" She was taking out her earrings, but I don't know if she had some vaseline in her purse! Ira grabbed her and pulled her back to the table. I believe Qtee really would've whooped that trick, and if it were over something important like world domination, I'd let her do it, but not over a karaoke song.

Ira makes sure CiCi's gone while people are coming up to me asking what happened. The kept saying "you should've told her B-Rad tipped you!" Well, duh! I did that. But we all learned a couple of valuable lessons Saturday . . .

(1) There is no reasoning with CRAZY.
(2) I'm not scared of little fat bitches who threaten to kick my ass over karaoke songs.
(3) I'll threaten to call the police in a minute though!
(4) I am Foxxxy Love, the karaoke hostess with the mostess, who does NOT fight on Saturday or any other night. I bruise too easily. Hahaha.

THAT'S RACIST!

2006-04-14T15:42:00.000-07:00

Asians Decry Adidas Shoe as a Misstep
A new, limited-edition shoe from Adidas-Salomon AG, part of the "Yellow Series" and decorated with the face of a character who has buck teeth, a bowl haircut and slanted eyes, has provoked a heated debate about the lines dividing racism, art and commerce.

The character on the shoe is the creation of a San Francisco graffiti artist, Barry McGee, who is half Chinese. McGee, who calls the character Ray Fong after an uncle who died, said the image is based on how the artist looked as an 8-year-old. . . .

No wonder I feel like crying . . .

2006-04-14T14:13:00.000-07:00

Omaha Schools Split Along Race Lines

LINCOLN, Neb. (AP) - In a move decried by some as state-sponsored segregation, the Legislature voted Thursday to divide the Omaha school system into three districts - one mostly black, one predominantly white and one largely Hispanic. . . .

And how could I forget . . .

2006-04-12T23:02:00.000-07:00

The most bad-ass mullet I've ever seen! You be the judge.

Somos America!

2006-04-12T20:35:00.000-07:00

Bless me readers, for I have sinned. It's been 10 days since my last post. I've been a little bit busy. I'll give you all the rundown a later, but I did want to talk a little about the immigration rally I went to Monday.

With thousands of folks in the middle of Phoenix, I felt an energy that I literally cannot describe, so I'm just going to post a slideshow. I will say that these pics do not even capture the magnitude of the event, but I tried (considering I couldn't find anything to stand on top of). I'll also say that my feet and back really really hurt considering I was walking from 11am until 5:30pm.

Flavor of Love Family Reunion

2006-04-02T22:21:00.000-07:00

It's the moment we've all been waiting for (for 3 weeks now. Jesus, VH1). Well, good things come to those who wait, correct?

The studio is packed as Lala enters. Why'd they choose Lala. They shoulda chose me to be the host, dammit! Regardless, all 20 girls are her for "The Flavor of Love Reunion: After the Lovin."

Enter the "iconic" and "legendary" FLAVOR FLAV! He's sportin my favorite clock; the one with the black face withouth numbers. He's also sporting a gull goatee. He actually looks like a grown up (save the cornrows, but you can't have it all). He takes a seat at his throne, then gives Big Rick a shoutout.

Lala then introduces the "1 night stands," aka the girls who got cut the first day. Welcome, Cherries, Picasso, Smokey, Shellz, Bubblez. Who? Exactly. Then come the girls eliminated in round 2. Welcome Miss Latin, Applez, Dimplez, Rain, and Georgia. I forgot how ugly Appelz was. She looks like someone's grandma. I did not, however, forget houw cra cra Rain was.

So as the first10 eliminated sat facing Flav, Georgia waxed poetic about how Flav missed out because those girls were "some of the most realest people there." Hmmm. Then Rain jumps in in and offers herself up to Flav by saying that he wouldn't go back after 1 date. Again, hmmm. In retrospect, I do believe that Rain was infintely crazier than Trannie. Flav was clearly better off.

Enter the next 3: Serious, Peaches, and Sweetie. Can we say boring, boring, and boring. I certainly appreciate Hot Mess and Trannie even more now. Anyhoo, Lala asks Sweetie if she regrets callin Flav retarded (in a broke down Jersey accent). She says no, but that's Flav and he's gotta be himself ("or do you," or somethin like that). Flav agrees he was retarded because he kept Hot Mess and let Sweetie go. The crowd roars! Well, tards are special people sent down from heaven by God. We should all love tards. Anyhoo, Lala reveals a "secret" about Peaches - she's a musician. WHOA! REALLY?

PAUSE - If this show is filled with "spoilers" that I (and other internet folks) found months and months ago, I'm suing VH1 - UNPAUSE

So, when Serious responds to being called an "aspiring model," she retorts while rolling her neck and shaking her finger that she's NOT and "aspiring model" because she "already gets jobs." What she can't get is a date. And, if she wanted modeling jobs, she could've gone on Top Model. OK.

Coming up . . . Red Oyster, aka Rat Fink.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

It's time for the lady in red - Red Oyster that is. On camera, she describes herself as "very menacing." Ain't that the truth. Also on the clips, they show her ratting EVERYONE out. What a wench!

Enter Red Oyster. She looks like a ho sausaged in a tight and short red dress. She's also carrying a riding crop. Oyster says she doesn't regret ratting folks out because she would rather be labeled as someone who told the truth too many times as opposed to being labeled a liar. Uh, ok.

Uh oh, Miss Latin and Rain start to chime in against Oyster. But Flav stands up for Oyster, saying that she was tellin him about all of the husband callin and stuff going on in the house. Rain stands up ans starts screaming that Oyster was being a rat for her own benefit and not Flav's. True, true. WHOA. Rain tells Oyster to "shut the fuck up!" This is gettin heated.

Uh oh, Lala reveals a "secret" about Oyster. Wait, lemme guess. She's married? Yuppers. Again, I think VH1 should pay me for scooping them. Oyster explains that she was married before the show. Miss Latin chimes in saying that Oyster should've never called her stupid because she was married all along. Then she calls Oyster ugly. Hmmm.

Apparently, Oyster is still married to a man who told her he didn't love her. Flav feels betrayed. Georgia chimes in and says "I bet you wanna take that whip and whoop her ass!" Hahaha. Anyhoo, Flav says his love hasn't lessened for Oyster.

Coming up . . . Hot Mess & Smiley

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Lord, do we have to see Hot Mess's droopy titties one more time? Apparently, we do. During her video snippets, they show her entrance, her Blind Date appearance, and her chicken fiasco.
Smiley, on the other hand, was a crying, whining bitch. She's crying about her ex. She's crying when she's eliminated. Man up woman!

Enter Smiley and Hot Mess. Smiley's boobs are perky. Hot Mess's are not. Anyhoo, we learn that Smiley had ended her 4-year marriage 1 week before she moved into the house. Ok, so now I sorta see why she was weepy. She said the show helped her move on. Flav says Smiley would've stayed around longer if she hadn't been getting over her ex.

Hot Mess still looks like, well, a hot mess. She said it was unfair that so many of the girls who didn't reveal their Hollywood aspirations (like Pumpkin) remained while she got the boot for being on Blind Date. Flav says he really got rid of her because she was there for the wrong reasons. "This is my man, my mansion, and my money. Get the FUCK outta here." Good point Flav, but how about getting rid of her because she was to' up and annoying too?

Oh, wait, he's not done. Flav doesn't want anyone after him for his money (what money?). He also tells her "Let New York get kicked out and you can turn that room into a study. I think you better study how to cook chicken." Tee hee hee. Flav falls on the floor laughing. Hot Mess explains that she thought the "chicken" button on microwave was for cooking, not defrosting. Ok, that bitch is ugly AND stoopid (and yes, I spelled it that way on purpose). Flav starts to sing "If I Only Had a Brain."

In the midst of all the chaos, there was one proverbial phoenix rising from the ashes, and her name was GOLDIE! "My name is Goldie, and I'm the best. All the b-boys want to fell my breasts." That girl is a classic. They then show Goldie blowin chunks in a trashcan while Cherries comments. But wait! When Cherries got the boot, she was straight hatin on my girl Goldie.

The audience cheers her name - GOLDIE, GOLDIE - as she takes the stage. She's the crowd fave and a Carolina girl I might add. Lala said she was the ONLY one who never lost her cool and never had any problems. Goldie says it wasn't that serious to be gettin involved in drama, but Cherries needed to shut the fuck up (ok, so those were my words, but I ain't lyin). Uh oh, Cherries wants to step to Golide. Now, we all know how that would end. Cherries also needs to sit the fuck down. But wait, Sweetie steps in front of Goldie to protect her. Wow. The security sits Cherries back down and tells her to "Save It!" I think I just peed my pants from laughin so hard! Anyway, back to Goldie. She's become a stand-up comedian and is loving life.

Coming up - Trannie and Pumpkin. But wait. Backstage, Trannie says "New York is in the motha fuckin house. You think I forgot about that shit? Hell naw bitch. You spit in my fuckin face. I'mma be on your ass in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!" LORD JESUS! Thank you form Trannie!

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Let's look back and Trannie and Pumpkin. Trannie is hatin on everyone, as usual. Pumpkin is actin like an airhead and hating on Trannie, callin her a "Tranny." How original. We see them fight, and fight, and fight. We don't get to see the spitting episode, but that's quite alright.

Trannie comes out first (they don't want them to come out together). Trannie lost her Flav weight. She says she has no regrets and she still loves Flav. Flav says he saw that she was there for him. Cherries, who hasn't shut up the whole show, asks Flav if he really wanted disharmony. Trannie steps in ad fittingly says "You know what? Didn't you leave the first motha fuckin night? It was for a reason." Cherries gets up ready to fight, again. Again, I fear it will end badly for her. Oh Lord, it gets worse. I should really just transcribe it. Here goes:

Trannie (yelling and stomping like Rumplestilsken): You was fake. Lickin all over Flav. He didn't want that shit you motha fucking bitch. Sit your motha fucking ass down!

Crowd: KICK HER OUT! KICK HER OUT! (this is addressed to Cherries)

Trannie: They're talkin to you!!!

Cherries (as she's being escorted off the stage by security while sobbing): Fuck you guys! Fuck all of you guys! Kick Cherries out right? (boo hoo hoo)

Trannie: Yeah! And yo momma, too!

Crowd: Cheering!!

I'm sittin her laughing my big black ass off. That was classic. Classic!

Trannie says she was contorversial because she was there for Flav only! Oh, you want controversy? Then roll the clip of the spitting fiasco! I know Trannie was gettin heated while watching the clip. It's so gonna be on!

Enter Pumpkin. She's really not attractive at all! Lala asks how they feel sitting next to eachother for the first time since the incident. . .

Trannie: You know what? My ass been on Pause, but I'm finna press Play in a millisecond. I'm gonna go off on that bitch in a motha fuckin millisecond. Now ask that bitch what you gotta ask her.

PAUSE: I couldn't have asked for any better if I had scripted it myself. Did I mention that this is CLASSIC?!?!? UNPAUSE.

Lala (to Pumpkin): How do you feel about sitting next to her after all this time?

Pumpkin: I could really give a shit if she's there cuz my girls are behind me. I am so glad that he [Flav] can see who she really is. And she calls us a pack of idiot bitches? Look how she's actin right now.

Trannie: And that's why you left before I did. Lala, you got anything else to aske me?

Lala: No, not really.

Trannie: Well then. Let me say this. No, lemme talk. Lemme talk. You know what. Wait up. I ain't gon spit because I got way more motha fucking class than you. That's why I'm not gonna spit in your face. You know what? You know what? I am . . . however . . . gonna BITCH SLAP!

Trannie and Pumpkin go at it. Security holds Trannie back while Pumpkin runs like a bitch. The crowd cheers "Flav, Flav, Flav." Lala interjects. Shes says there's a lot of unfinished business, but since they can't let Trannie make good on her promise to kick Pumpkin's ass, they'll each get a moment to say what they feel to the other. Oh goodie!

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Pumpkin and Trannie are standing behind 2 different partitions. Each will get 30 seconds to bitch at the other. Flav jumps in and says he loves them both.

Pumpkin says a bunch of weak mess that I don't feel the need to transcribe. Trannie, throws her partition out of the way and goes after Pumpkin. Pumpkin runs like a bitch, again! Big Rick takes the ladies back to their seats. Flav just sits there smiling.

In the midst of all the drama, Flav found love with Hoopz. Enter Hoopz. She kisses Flav. But alas, it's not real love. The 2 have grown apart. Too bad, so sad. However, there is a pot of gold at the end of this rainbow. We're getting a Flavor of Love 2!!! I'm so exicted. The only thing that could be better is if Flav had chosen Trannie and they had a Strange Love 2!

If you're interested in getting with Flav, call 1-877-hlp-Flav (I wish I were kidding)!

It's been a pleasure recapping this show for you all. I'll see you next season!!!

Flavor of Love II

2006-03-31T13:20:00.000-07:00

Thank you Jesus!

CASTING CALL FOR FLAVOR OF LOVE 2

The hos come younger and younger these days . . .

2006-03-28T21:47:00.000-07:00

Surgeons Remove Two Fetuses From Infant

BTW, if you found my baby/ho joke in poor taste, you're absolutely positively right. I'm even offended, and I said it!

Foofy and Hoopz are no more? Say it ain't so!!

2006-03-22T12:57:00.000-07:00

I'm sure ya'll have already heard. Flavor Flav and his second true love, Hoopz, have parted ways [insert lonely teardrop here]. Apparently, Hoopz and Flav went on the Tom Joyner Morning Show and confirmed the split.

CLICK HERE for Flav's phone call on the TJMS. It's listed on Tuesday, March 14.

Thanks to Trent for the tip.

There Oughtta Be a Law

2006-03-22T12:17:00.000-07:00

Wait! Maybe there will be. A friend of mine who works on the Hill just sent this to me.

"H.R. 4968. A bill to provide for the expeditious disclosure of records relevant to the life and death of Tupac Amaru Shakur; to the Committee on Government Reform, and in addition to the Committee on Rules, for a period to be subsequently determined by the Speaker, in each case for consideration of such provisions as fall within the jurisdiction of the committee concerned."

This bill was presented to the House of Representatives by Congresswoman McKinnley (D-GA). Now I loved Pac as much as the next person, but DAYUM! If Tupac gets a law, then I want one too. How about one where me and Wesley Snipes legitimately don't have to pay taxes? Ok, just me - I hate Wesley Snipes.

Anyhoo, CLICK HERE for the full text of the bill I've now dubbed the "Tupac Collection Act of 2006."

The Macadocious Finale - Flavor of Love Episode 9

2006-03-12T22:58:00.000-07:00

Last time I left you, Pumpkin spit on Trannie,Trannie threw Pumpkin into the cameras, and Flav told Trannie and Hoopz to get ready for Cancun.

While packing, Trannie is reminiscing about the Pumpkin incident. Hoopz said that if she'd spit in her face, that bitch wouldn't have gotten away. WORD!

Off to Mexicooooooooooooooooo!

Trannie knows that she'll be the last one standing. Hoopz hates Trannie and hopes she doesn't win. I can't say I agree. Clearly, crazy and crazy should always be together.

The trio arrives in Cancun where they stay at the Marival Resort. They get a nice welcome complete with sombreros and tequila! They part, but will meet up for din din later. First, the room looks like a dump. Second, they have to share with one another, and we all know they hate each other. That sounds promising.

The ladies are late for dinner because Trannie needs a lot of work to attempt to look like a woman. I mean, she has to shave that 5 o'clock shadow and tuck her dick between her legs, and that takes time! The ladies finally meet Flav who's wearing a green beaded mariache outfit and a big ass sombrero. That man is so to' up, but I didn't need to tell y'all that. Flav feels nervous for the first time in the competition because he knows they're both so real. Really? He also knows that eventually, he's going to have to hurt one of these women when he chooses the other. Pity, pity!

COMMERCIAL BREAK

At dinner, Flav asks the girls what they think the other is still in the competition. Hoopz says she thinks Trannie is fake and just wants to be on TV. It takes one to know one, huh Hoopz? I mean, I don't see Trannie with her ass all over the Internets. Anyways, Trannie says that Hoopz is only there because she's the athletic type. Interesting analysis. Then Trannie tells Flav that she's seductive. Clearly, Hoopz does not agree. She calls Trannie a tramp with no ass and who gained 15 lbs over the course of the show. Harsh! Well, as you probably all guessed, thems fightin words, so the ladies spar, trading snaps back and forth. Flav claims that the fighting is childish, which is absolutely true. But then again, so are Flav's outfit, demeanor, and personality. Again, I guess it takes one to know one. When Flav is fed up with the bickering, he announces that each girl will get an individual 24-hour date. Then he leaves the table. I guess this is do or die!

COMMERCIAL BREAK

In the hotel room, the ladies don't speak, which is likely the best strategy. Special delivery from Flav. Trannie's date is first and she's directed to wear her tiniest bikini. Where is she gonna tuck the dick? I dunno folks, I dunno!

Flavor Flaaaav (in Mexican accent)!!!! Trannie and Glav meet on a boat, but Flav jumps and get stuck. What a fuckin idiot! Trannie asks Flav what he wants to drink. Flav responds "You! Got Milk? Got Milk?" YUCK!

The two lounge on the boat. Flav brings out the animal in Trannie. Like that took a lot of coaxing! Anyway, they head to a deserted island and they get on a kayak. Here's the thing. Trannie can't kayak. She can't swim either. But, at least she tried, so I guess hse gets an E for Effort! Later, the two walk the beach hand in hand. Awww! Or should I say eeeeewwwww!

Once back at the hotel, they head to dinner. Flav explains the seriousness of marriage. Trannie agrees that marriage should not be rushed. Aight. Trannie feels that Flav should pick her because she's understanding and she's the better woman. Flav smacks on his food. trannie looks like she said all the right things. Then she starts smokin and cryin about this possibly being theri last meal. Not only is she a drag queen. She's a drama queen too.

At the end of dinner, Flav gave Trannie a ghetto necklace with "New York" written on it. How precious? After dinner, they go up to the Suite Negrit. They embrace. Gross. They smooch. Grosser. They fuck. Grossest!

COMMERCIAL BREAK

It's morning, and we learn that Trannie and Flav got "very very very close." Trannie leaves the suite and cries her weary eyes out as she walks back to her room. Meanwhile, Hoopz is up and at 'em. She hears Trannie knockin, but she doesn't answer for a little while.

Another knock at the door. It's Hoopz's turn and "it's time to fly." Hoopz and Flav greet with a kiss, then head out to their rumble in the jungle. They do a canopy tour, meaning they're gliding on cables through the forest. It actually looks like a blast. Flav is only concentratin on Hoopz's behind because she was lookin fine. He watched her from the back, and said don't worry. I'll pick up your slack! (I couldn't make this up). Flav, on the other hand, breaks his harness. After a day of swingin in the trees (I'm going to not jump on the obvious monkey jokes becaue that's racist) and they head out for a walk on the beach and a fun swim. They then make out while watching the sunset. "Very romantical," indeed!

At dinner, Hoopz asks why Flav kept Trannie in the game. He says she loves him. Hoopz says that woman grosses her out. Ditto! Flav hands Hoopz a necklace with her nickname on it. What an original gift (sarcasm dripping here). Hoopz, however, gives Flav's gifts too. She gives him an "ass"tray. That's love! She also wrote him a corny ass note. PAUSE: I think she's definitely pretty and sweet, so why on God's green earth . . . oh, nevermind. UNPAUSE. They kiss and go back to Flav's suite. Next, we see Fla straddled across hoopz. I think I just lost my lunch.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

It's a beautiful Mexican morning. Hoopz and Flav kiss, and then she leaves the suite. I don't think she did it to him, or at least I hope she didn't.

Flav is clearly torn between the girls. He sends them back to LA, but he sends them to a hotel. Flav comes back to his (or VH1's) big empty mansion to be alone. He reminisces over the good times and the bad times with the 20 girls. He's buggin out! He tours Trannie's and Hoopz's rooms. He still can't decide.

Meanwhile at the Marriot, Hoopz and Trannie prepare for impending elimination. Big Rick arrives at the hotel with Flav-o-grams. Each girl gets a new dress and do for the final elimination.

While Hoopz attempts to get a good weave, Trannie heads to Nicole Miller for an evening gown. Hoopz's hair looks like RuPaul and Trannie finds a nice red gown. Then they switch. Trannie gets her hair did while Hoopz heads to Nicole Miller? Yeah, they went to the same shop. Anyhoo, Trannie loves her hair and Hoopz settles on a nice red gown that she thinks is ugly. Wait a cotton pickin minute! They get basically the same dress. The hairdo pretty much looks the same too. Are they wonder twins now?

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Flav heads out to get a gift for the girl he chooses. Off to Joe's Gold Store! And yes. I said JOES GOLD STORE. Something in a box starts to glow - 14 karats. Here's the think - knowin Flav, it's not a ring.

Meanwhile, the ladies get dressed and ready to go. I see Trannie has a choker to cover the good ole Adam's Apple. In Flav's suite, Big Rick opens the curtain to reveal the final 2 clocks hanging on the wall. Instead of the clock, however, Flav is givin the bling in to the winner.

Flav gets dressed in his hot pink tux with extra long cathedral length tails, a black top hat, and white gloves. Yes, Flav really does look like a flamingo and quite the hot mess (not to be confused with Hot Mess).

The ladies arrive at the mansion wearing THE SAME FUCKING DRESS. Hoopz looks better in the dress as Trannie's saggin titties just weren't do it! The two bicker as usual. Then Trannie drops the bomb - she and Flav made love . . . music even. First, that's not really a surprise. Second, that's just nasty. Hoopz tells Trannie "any bitch that's gon' open her legs and let a nigga fuck, he's gon' fuck." Well, alrighty then.

Flav comes down the stairs.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Flav says that both are wonderful and special in their own way. He then asks each girl that if he picks the other, will she be mad? Each girl says no because they love him. Good grief. Cut to the chase Flav.

And the winner is . . .

HOOPZ!

Trannie seems to take it better than I expected. She hugs Flav and tells him that she loves him. She does cry or act a damn fool. She leaves with a smile on her face.

Hoopz also smiles (and laughs because Trannie got the boot). She acts like she's excited, but I'm not convinced. I mean, is there really a winner in this competition when the prize is Flav? Then, Flav breaks out the box and asks "would you be my baby?" Hoopz laughs. As I figured. The box contained gold fronts (ya, ya grill. ya, ya, ya grill). Hoopz accepts, puts the fronts on, and kisses Flav. Oops, there went my dinner.

Remember what I said about Trannie taking it well. I lied. She got in the limo and started cryin and drinkin. She just can't believe Flav kicked her out. Actually, me neither, but I'm not Miss Cleo.

So I guess Flav and Hoopz will live happily ever after. He's a black-chelor no more!!!! Hoopz, take out them damn fronts. You look like a fool!

In 2 weeks, I'll recap the reunion show. From the promo, I've observed 2 things:

Trannie gets back down to her fighting weight
Trannie and Pumpkin will take up most of the special
Pumpkin is gonna talk a lot of shit, then run away because she's a lame bitch that can't fight.

See ya'll in a couple.

An AMAZING Quiz!

2006-03-09T18:41:00.000-07:00

Everyone thank Lizzey McGuire for this one. It changed my life I tells ya.

TAKE ME (the quiz you dirty-minded bitches) NOW!

Black. White.

2006-03-09T16:33:00.000-07:00

I just watched it and I'm gonna do a recap. I just don't have the time right now. So, stay tuned!

The reason why our people will never rise up and overcome!

2006-03-09T15:19:00.000-07:00

My peeps in NC - watch out for this one. He's worse than Ward Connerly and Jesse Helms combined!

You've got to see this man's campaign video. It's scary alright, but not in the way he thinks. Actually, me and my momma just laughed our asses off at this commercial. Is this man serious?

And if you think the commercial is bad, check out his bio on the Robinson for Congress Website. Can one of ya'll in NC start a campaign against this fool? Hell, I might just do it.

Jesus, this Tom is more embarassing than the Three 6 Mafia win!

I think I found another Wonder Twin!

2006-03-07T21:12:00.000-07:00

NerdNoir is officially my long lost sister! Check out her blog HERE.

Natalie Portman Raps

2006-03-07T15:25:00.000-07:00

I must admit. This shit is pretty funny!

What's even funnier is that it was on SNL.

Who watches that show anymore?

Click on the photo for the link and video.

Jesus, there is no C-O-N-spiracy against Brokeback Mountain. The real conspiracy is against The Blacks!!

2006-03-07T13:16:00.000-07:00

Today, I've read about 5 articles on how Crash's win for Best Film was an upset and how Hollywood just wasn't ready to give the top nod to Brokeback Mountain because of homophobia. Now, I'm usually down for a good conspiracy theory, but this one just ain't good.

I saw Brokeback Mountain. I saw Crash. In fact, I saw each movie nominated for the Best Film category except Munich. Based on my own humble opinion, Crash was better than Brokeback. However, it's just my opinion. I didn't hate Brokeback. I just didn't love it either. It was a good love story but it dragged in may places and could've been about 45 minutes shorter. Hell, I still think the best movie I saw all year was The Constant Gardener, which did not get a Best Film nomination. Sharky will always maintain that Walk the Line was robbed (I liked that one too).

But Hollywood not ready to give the a top award to a gay-themed film? I just don't buy it. If anything, Holloywood prides itself on being "tolerant" and "liberal" (although I don't buy that one either). That's why so many gay-themed films were recognized this year (aside from the fact that most were good). And if we take a look at the tally I did yesterday, gay-themed films walked away with a lot of the top awards, including Best Adapted Screenplay, Best Directing, and Best Lead Actor.

So where is the conspiracy here? I have no clue. I find it hard to believe that there was a real underground conspiracy against a film as hyped and celebrated (it won every other fucking award at every other fucking award show) as Brokeback Mountain.

The real C-O-N-spiracy was the nomination and win for Three 6 Mafia. Now, I debated whether or not I was gonna mention this, but Molly and I spoke about it last night, so now I think I'll write.

I loved Hustle & Flow. In fact, if you haven't seen it, you should. Yes, it's about a pimp who becomes a rapper. However, it's really a story about following your dreams, even if they seem impossible, which is something that almost everyone on the planet can relate to. The song It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp is very fitting for the movie. I won't go as far as to say it's a good song, but it fit the film. So, in that respect alone, the song should've won an Oscar. So congrats to Three 6 Mafia!

Here's my problem. Most of the people viewing the Oscars haven't seen Hustle & Flow. Most of the people viewing the Oscars aren't familiar with Southern rap. Most of the people viewing the Oscars just saw a bunch a black thugs with iced out grillz rapping about being a pimp. Without the proper context (that being familiarity with the film and a little bit of knowledge about Southern rap and culture), Three 6 Mafia's performance only served to reinforce negative stereotypes in middle-America. It's not really their fault. What were they gonna do? Say no to the Oscars? Of course not. It was their moment to shine!

BUT without balance, things like this only hurt black folks (I can't believe that I just said that). Think about it like this. When you turn on the television, what are the images of blackness that you see? It's mostly young people. Usually rappers. Usually booty shakin hos. Usually shuckin and jivin. Usually thuggin and bangin. There are not nearly enough positive images of blackness. Sure, we'll get a character or two on a drama like Gray's Anatomy (which is one of my favorites) but most of the time, the show isn't taking time to explore the character's culture. Now, I like watching videos just as much as the next person, but I also know that these images don't represent the fullness of my culture. That's because it's my culture. I certainly don't think that Molly Mormon in Utah who doesn't know any black folks has that much perspective. And not that it should matter, but it does!

So, the Academy, which is largely made up of rich whities in Hollywood, decides to throw black folks a bone and nominate Three 6 Mafia. Then, they find the song amusing, so they vote it through to win. Great! That way, Hollywood looks like it's "down" with the rap music, thus not racist anymore. Great! Why am I not feeling convinced?

To make matters worse, the only black performance nominated was that of Terrence Howard, who played the pimp in Hustle & Flow. Again, I loved Hustle & Flow, and Terrence Howard could be my future baby-daddy, BUT, the man was in about 800 movies this year and they had to choose the pimp performance? Don't even get me started . . .

In conclusion, stop whining about Brokeback Mountain you brats. It's made more money than all of the other nominated films combined and stands to make much more. Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal will go on to have great careers. More gay-themed movies will hit the mainstream. Nothing but good can come from Brokeback's existence. If you look at it that way, Brokeback has already won.

IPod Game

2006-03-06T15:35:00.000-07:00

THE RULES: Open iTunes or Windows Media Player to answer the following. Go to your library. Answer, no matter how embarrassing it is

How many songs?
2555 (and if I were to lose my computer, I'd be shit out of luck!)

Sort By Artist
First artist: 112 - Pleasure and Pain
Last artist: Zhane - It's a Groove Thing

Sort By Song Title
First Song: 'Til My Baby Comes Home by Luther Vandross
Last Song: Your Smile by Rene and Angela

Sort By Time
Shortest Song: (:58) Sex Education Ghetto Style by Gil Scott-Heron
Longest Song: (13:03) Big Pimpin by Northeast Groovers (for all ya'll go-go heads)

Sort By Album
First Album: techinically -School Daze Sountrack (because of the dash in front)
Last Album: Worldwide Underground by Eryka Badu

First song that comes up on shuffle:
Toxic by Britney Spears (fuck all ya'll. it's a good song!)

Most Played Songs:
Seems You're Much Too Busy by Vertical Hold (27 spins)
Superwoman by Stevie Wonder (27 spins)
Erotic City by Prince (26 spins)
Someday We'll All Be Free by Donny Hathaway (26 spins)

Blacks 4, Gays 3 – WE WIN!

2006-03-06T12:48:00.001-07:00

So I actually watched the last hour of the Oscars with friends. We ate La Isla Bonita's gumbo (which was really really really good). We laughed. We joked. We competed . . .

You see, this year’s Oscars were dominated by 2 separate yet equally important groups (like how I snuck a lil Law & Order up in this piece?): The Blacks and The Gays. Since I represented The Blacks and Isa and Tracy represented The Gays, the stakes were high. On a sidenote, Sharkie and Romius rep'ed the Jews, however, neither of them is Jewish. Here’s how we broke it down:

The Blacks: This includes any films with a black theme somewhere in it (or just black people. I can’t be too choosy here). The major contenders were Crash which has heavy racial themes, Hustle & Flow because it’s about a pimp for cryin out loud, and The Constant Gardener which deals with drug companies testing pharmaceuticals on poor Africans (and should’ve been nominated for Best Film). Here’s a complete list for The Blacks (the winners are in Oscar Gold!!)

Best Film – Crash
Best Actor - Terrence Howard for Hustle & Flow
Best Supporting Actor – Matt Dillon for Crash
Best Supporting Actress – Rachel Weiss for The Constant Gardener
Adapted Screenplay – The Constant Gardener
Original Screenplay – Crash
Documentary Feature – Street Fight
Documentary Feature - Darwin's Nightmare
Documentary Short – God Sleeps in Rwanda
Film Editing – The Constant Gardener
Film Editing – Crash
Foreign Language Film – Tsotsi
Music Score – The Constant Gardener
Song – It’s Hard Out Here For a Pimp from Hustle & Flow

The Gays: I didn’t have to stretch too far for this one. I mean, there were 3 major films with Gay themes. Capote is about a really really gay author, Brokeback Mountain is about 2 gay cowboys, and Transamerica deals with a pre-op trans-sexual. Goodie! Here’s the complete list for The Gays.

Best Film – Capote
Best Film – Brokeback Mountain
Best Actor – Philip Seymore Hoffman for Capote
Best Actor – Heath Ledger for Brokeback Mountain
Best Supporting Actor – Jake Gyllenhaal for Brokeback Moutain
Best Actress – Felicity Huffman for Transamerica
Best Supporting Actress – Michelle Williams for Brokeback Mountain
Best Supporting Actress - Catherine Keener for Capote
Directing – Ang Lee for Brokeback Mountain
Directing – Bennet Miller for Capote
Adapted Screenplay – Capote
Adapted Screenplay – Brokeback Mountain
Music Score – Brokeback Mountain
Song – Travellin Thru from Transamerica
Cinematography – Brokeback Mountain

Doin the tallyin, it’s a runaway for The Blacks with 7 wins to The Gays’ 4 wins.

However, there is one more caveat – negative points. That’s right, you didn’t think that I was gonna make it that easy, did ya? Mind you, I’m still arguing with Sharkie over whether or not The Constant Gardener counts for The Blacks (of course it does!).

Each time King Kong won an award, that subtracts points from The Blacks (although I’m not convinced that The Blacks shouldn’t get negative points for Three 6 Mafia's win). King Kong won 3 awards, thus The Blacks move from 7 to 4 points. That's a pretty heavy hit!

That makes it a tie, right? WRONG!

Ang Lee’s acceptance speech for Best Director of Brokeback Mountain set the “gay mens and womens” back one point. Even though English is clearly not his first language, that is no excuse for a Blaine and 'Toine rendition of Men on Films. Hell, he might've set back the Asians too, who had been doing quite well with 3 awards for Memoirs of a Geisha. That sets The Gays back to 3.

My Gay-sian friend, however, pointed out that a lesbian won a makeup award, but I refuse to count awards that were “presented at an earlier ceremony” because nobody gives a fuck about those.

Thus, the final tally . . . The Blacks – 4. The Gays – 3!

But aren’t we all winners? Actually, NO. The Blacks are winners and The Gays are losers. Hey, I calls 'em like I sees 'em.

EDIT - I just noticed that I inadvertently counted Three 6 Mafia's Best Song win twice (I corrected said error above)! Shame on me. That makes it The Black - 3, The Gays - 3. However, I'm still calling this one for The Blacks just because it's my blog and I can if I want to.

A season of Flavor. Episode 9 – The Season Recap

2006-03-06T12:39:00.000-07:00

I hate recap shows because they're really just a waste of time and another way for the network to squeeze one more "episode" into the season. Because I am so principled, I will not do a recap this week.

However, I did view the episode, and I might add that I hit all of the major stuff in my previous recaps, so, if you must, please read those!

Episode 1
Episode 2
Episode 3
Episode 4
Episode 5
Episode 6
Episode 7
Episode 8
Meet the Groupies
More Flavor of Love Dirt

See ya'll next week for the FINALE!!!

You know I hate to be mean . . .

2006-03-03T18:07:00.000-07:00

but sometimes, a sista just can't resist.

I'm sure you've all read about Jessica Alba getting all in a tizzy about her photo being on the cover Playboy. It appears that the magazine used a pubicity photo from that whack ass flick Into the Blue, but Alba does not appear nekked (on the cover or inside the issue).

So, Alba's attorney has demanded compensation for "damage to her image." Ok, here's the mean part. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS DAMAGE HER IMAGE? Jessica Alba isn't exactly known for her Oscar-worthy body of work. She is known for her body, however. I mean, can you name one film where this bitch hasn't appeard half nekked? One? I don't think so. She's made an entire career of being the girl with few lines of dialogue but showin a whole lot of skin.

In her defense, she's never done a nude scene. If I recall correctly, she said her father would kick her ass or something to that effect. But still, what's another half-nekked picture of Jessica Alba gonna do to damage her image? NOTHING!

Shame on you Jessica Alba! Stop acting like this is a sex tape or something (although that could only help your career these days). If you didn't want people looking at your bikini-clad body, perhaps you should keep your fucking clothes on when being recorded.

By the way, the pic up top is the pic that's supposedly the Playboy cover. Mind you, I got this off of IMDB as a publicity shot, which means the pic was put out there on purpose by her representative (and the studio).

You can't touch this . . . or can you?

2006-03-03T11:43:00.000-07:00

MC Hammer has put himself "in the mix" and started bloggin! Here it go.

Fever for the Flavor?!?!?

2006-03-01T12:14:00.000-07:00

Thousands of you come to my blog every week because, as one person emailed, you "need your weekly fix of Flav!" Seriously, I'm very flattered that so many of you (who don't know me personally) care what I have to say, and in turn, say such flattering things about my commentary. It's made this blogging thing a the best experience everrrrr, so THANK YOU!!!

Back to being non-serious . . . I loves me some attention, and though I'm conceited enough to think that you come to experience all that is Foxxxy Love, I'm smart enough to know that you're really coming for Flavor of Love recaps. However, there are only 2 more weeks of Flavor of Love left (finale and reunion). That creates a problem. I will continue to blog once the show is said and done, but will you still visit? Will you still love me? Will I fall into obscurity like the light-skinned brotha and the high-top fade?

So, in order to keep the love (of Foxxxy, not Flav), I've decided that in order to prove my pimpery skills, I'll start by pimping myself out first. I want YOU to tell me what it will take to keep you here (aside from nekked pics or blood letting). That means YOU get to choose which show(s) I recap next. Any suggestions?

And for those of you who didn't see it . . .

2006-02-27T15:11:00.000-07:00

Check out the episode, including spit flyin, right here.

Just call him Sir Flav-A-Lot - The Mother of All Episodes (that would be Episode 8)

2006-02-27T11:40:00.000-07:00

Again, it's a beautiful day in the Flavor-hood.

Pumpkin and Hoopz talk about how much Trannie primps. Trannie tells the camera that she's a natural beauty who simply likes to "play up her features." Honey, you should really be playing down that adam's apple of yours. Maybe she needs more turtlenecks and neclaces? Check the neck!!!

Flav has a special surprise for the girls today. It's time to meet the 'rents! Flav will spend a day with each girl and their parents. Why am I all of a sudden starting to feel really sorry for these girls? Pumpkin's momma is up first. Of course, Pumpkin is scared. I mean, I would be scared too if I had to bring Flav to my momma and daddy.

Mrs. Pumpkin (aka Terri) enters the mansion. Why does Pumpkin look older than her momma? I guess Trannie was right about the facelift stuff. Anyway, Flav takes Pumpkin and her momma to a spa to get manis and pedis. Flav explains that his feet look like a runaway slave's. He ain't lyin. From what I saw, he must be still runnin!

While they're getting the spa treatment, Terri pulls out a list of questions for Flav. Basically, she asked what his intentions were toward her daughter. In so many words, Flav told Terri his daughter was a ho. She didn't buy it, but what mother really thinks her daughter is a ho (besides mine - did I tell ya'll about that time my momma called me an old black ho? Alas, that's another post)? While they're talking, Pumpkin reveals that she's been on many a game show, including: Street Smarts, Family Feud, Friend of Foe, and . . . Blind Date. Uh oh. Flav was floored because he eliminated Hot Mess for being on Blind Date. Terri leaves and Flav is clearly pissed. Pumpkin ain't real, ya'll.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Pumpkin and Trannie talk about the date. Pumpkin then tells Trannie that Flav is going with Hoopz next. Trannie starts straight trippin! WTF? I guess he/she's jealous that Flav is going with Hoopz first, but what does that matter? I know this bitch is crazy, but she's gone into hyper-drama mode.

Hoopz has a white momma and she reminds me of Teena Marie for some reason. Trannie says that she couldn't believe it. Hoopz's mom looked so young and vibrant. OOOPS! In the words of Cher Horowitz (Clueless, people), that woman was a full on Monet - she's pretty from a far, but close up, she's all ugly and messed up. But she's not nearly as messed up as Flav who comes down in some kind of king outfit. He's got on a crown and everything. Hoopz thinks he looks hot. I beg to differ. So, the trio rolls out and head to another classy establishment - Medieval Times! Now I get the king outfit. This date is going to be even more classy than the one at the Red Lobster.

They ate with their fingers. Flav kisses Hoopz's momma. Ooh, I think he likes her, and Hoopz is worried because her momma done already stoledt (and that's pronounced stole-tuh) up on one of her boyfriends. That's just nasty! While enjoying the festivities, one of the servers asks Flav to come with him so he could be knighted. Flav looks at his arm and says "I'm already night!" I must admit that I laughed. He is a midnight mutha fucka. It's funny because it's true. Well, he's knighted as Sir Flav-a-lot! That's hot!

On the way back home in the car, Hoopz's mom is flirtin with Flav. Did I mention that she's a big ho? She says if Hoopz doesn't want him, she'll take him! This is so incestuous! Gross!

They return to the mansion and Flav tells Pumpkin that he had a lovely date with her and her momma, but he's gonna spend some alone time with Hoopz. Pumpkin senses that Flav is acting differently toward her. She ain't lyin. He brushed her off to drop a stinky load. Is that TMI? I think so.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Flav is not feelin Pumpkin. Poor baby? So, Pumpkin tells Trannie that Hoopz gets one-on-one time with Flav. Hoopz and Flav are enjoying champagne and a bubble bath. Meanwhile, Trannie is trippin. She cries and eats and cries and eats. Pumpkin is too funny because she was making Trannie jealous on purpose. Gotta love it!

The next day belongs to Trannie. She wants everything to be perfect. Enter Mr. and Mrs. Trannie. Trannie comes down the stairs in the most respectable outfit I've seen her in yet. Hell, she looks like she's goin to church. Flav comes doewn the stairs lookin like white lightenin! Mrs. Trannie is not impressed. Flav gives them a tour of the house. Well, now we see where Trannie gets her crazy from. Momma is a nutjob!

Flav takes the Trannie family to play tennis, which is really nice because he heard Poppa Trannie likes tennis. On the ride, Momma Trannie asks Flav how old he is. I didn't realize that he's only 5 years younger than my momma! Anyhoo, Momma Trannie tells Trannie that she's fat. Trannis is many many things, but she ain't fat! Wait, did I just stick up for Trannie? Dayum Trannie's mom is a big fat bitch. She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world. Trannie's mom is a big fat bitch. She's a bitch to all the boys and girls! OK, I stole it from South Park, but it was appropriate.

Flav and Poppa Trannie play tennis. Meanwhile, Momma Trannie is straight hatin on Flav being a 46 year old man wearing a clock that's not runnin. Ok, she's right, but still. Trannie is tryin to defend her man. Momma Trannie ain't tryin to hear it. Actually, she's about as grossed out as I am right now. Wait, she might be aight. Momma says that Trannie and Flav are never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever getting married. Ever! Did she mention ever? Ok, I might have to reassess my evaluation of Momma Trannie. She ain't so crazy. She's just keepin it real, son!

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Back at the court, Flav and Poppa Trannie are having a time playing tennis. Meanwhile, Momma and Trannie are still arguing. Trannie LOVES him! Momma said NO, and then asks "are you going to choose him over me?" What kind of whack question is that? Anyway, Trannie says "I have to follow my heart!" So Trannie's 'rents leave. Poppa loves him, Momma don't. Flav knows it, but he's not gonna kiss anyone's butt! Interesting date indeed.

Flav enters his suite and deliberates. Again, he makes an easy decision.

Stop! Clock time!

While the girls are waiting, they comment on one another. Hoopz says Trannie is UGLY! Pumpkin reveals that Trannie wears cologne because it makes men feel sexy. I should really leave it alone, but I can't. OF COURSE SHE WEARS MEN'S COLOGNE BECAUSE SHE IS A MAN! Trannie calls Hoopz and Pumpkin inhabitants of the island of Lesbos.

3 girls, 2 clocks.

Hoopz

But who will get the final clock?

COMMERCIAL BREAK

1 clock left, and it goes to . . .

Trannie

Flav felt Pumpkin was playin games (check 1,2). It's her 6th reality show for cryin out loud. Roll out!

Oh, but it ain't over. Pumpkin tells Flav he disrespected her. She then accuses Trannie of being an aspiring actress. She is, but you know Trannie ain't gonna stand for it. Pumpkin and Trannie were gettin heated. Oh, Pumpkin just called Trannie a fat transvestite. Hoopz just laughs at the exchange. Trannie tells Pumpkin she looks like a man who needs a facelift.

Ooooh, Pumpkin tries to step to Trannie. She spits in Trannie's face. Trannie bucks up and pushes Pumpkin into the cameras. OH LAWD that shit is HILARIOUS!!!!! What's even better is the instant slow-motion replay!

PAUSE. Now I don't condone spitting because it's probably the most disrespectful thing you could do. I don't like Trannie, but NOBODY deserves to get spit on. Pumpkin was cool with me, but now she is dead to me! UNPAUSE.

Trannie wants to keep fighting so Flav's gotta hold her back! Move Flav and let those women handle it!!! Hoopz comments that spitting is messed up, but Trannie deserved it because she was mean. I don't agree, but I can understand (ha). Trannie, Hoopz and Flav toast and get ready for a trip to MEXICO, while Pumpkin is sittin outside not loving Flav anymore.

Next week is the finale. See ya'll then.

Wild night. Good times, good times!

2006-02-23T09:40:00.000-07:00

Memorial to Grandpa J

2006-02-23T09:31:00.000-07:00

Molly was supposed to come visit me this weekend, but her grandpa died last night. I've known Molly since I was 7, so of course I knew Grandpa J well, and I must say that we was awesome!!! Grandpa said exactly what was on his mind all the time, but he didn't do it in that annoying way that makes you hate old people. He was just genuinely a character with the ability to make everyone around him laugh and smile.

Molly said that last time she saw him was for her birthday celebration on Sunday (wish Molly a belated Happy Birthday suckas!). She said he was happier than she'd ever seen him. He was excited about Molly's bro getting married. He told Molly she was beautiful. Our guess is that Grandpa knew he was going to go and was happy to see all of his loved ones doing wonderfully.

Grandpa spent 92 years really living! Rest in peace Grandpa!

CLOSURE - the word of the day

2006-02-22T20:37:00.000-07:00

I am so brilliant, but ya'll already know that. I should really write a book . . . or become a PIMP.

TRUE STORY:

Today, a friend of mine who was taking the bar exam, was fretting over the fact that he had no trim waitin for him once he got home. Apparently, his regular 'tang just started a new relationship, thus claiming to be off limits.

In his dismay, he said "Foxxxy, what is I to do (insert pout here)?"

So, I thunk and thunk unto myself. Then, eureka! I found it.

"Hey, just call that ho up and say you need to bang it out one more 'gin for CLOSURE!"

He looked at me and laughed. "Foxxxy, that ain't 'gon work!"

I shook my head and let out a great sigh. "Siiiiiighhhhh. You doubt me, son? Don'tchu know I know all and see all. That ho is 'gon let you hit it for old times sake. Trust me!"

Fast forward to about 30 minutes ago . . .

"Foxxxy, you was right! I mentioned CLOSURE and that ho said, 'I was thankin the same thang. That will be my gift to you for taking the bar!' And I said, ' . . . word?' And she was all '. . . word!'"

I looked at the lad with knowing eyes. "I told you so, son. Never underestimate my pimpery again! I know all and see all!"

I should really write a book . . . or become a pimp!

I'm usually on top of my gossip

2006-02-21T12:08:00.000-07:00

but perhaps it was my utter repulsion and disdain for Rush Limbaugh that blinded me to the fact that he and Daryn Kagan of CNN had been dating and engaged for about 2 years. Did anyone else know this? Was I the only one in the dark? Apparently so, because the pair has reportedly, FINALLY, split.

For those of you who don't know, I'm a bit of a news junkie - a lefty news junkie that is. So, clearly, I've NEVER EVER EVER been a fan of Rush Limbaugh. The man is a fuckin idiot (for lack of a better discription). I am, however, a fan of Kagan; something I've seriously reconsidered in the past 5 minutes. She is now dead to me!

Kagan is a member of the CNN family, one of the "liberal media" stations. The quotation marks mean that I'm using the term "liberal media" loosely because as far as I can tell, there is no such a thang! So, how dare she date the most loved/reviled (depending upon whom you ask) conservative nutjobs on the radio?!?!

Boy, CNN is losing credibility with me. First they cancel Talback Live and Crossfire. Now this? I feel dirty and must take another shower to make it clean!

More Flavor of Love Dirt.

2006-02-20T16:47:00.000-07:00

I cannot take the credit for this, although I will say that a lot of my stuff was up before this page was put up on Wikipedia.

CLICK HERE for names, ages, and websites of almost all of the contestants.

NOTE: There are also some spoilers. I heard somewhere that Trannie is preggers. If so, then it is possible to impregnate men - sorta like that movie with Ahr-nald.

Oh, and here are my recaps for easy access:

Episode 1
Episode 2
Episode 3
Episode 4
Episode 5
Epsiode 6
Episode 7
Meet the Groupies

Another Bloggin' Poll! Chico Stick, Anyone?

2006-02-20T13:29:00.000-07:00

THE RULES: 10 songs that sum up your weekend . . . or were on your weekend playlist . . . and one picture that relates back. (Oh, and if you feel like it, tell us why you picked the songs you did.)

Grillz by Nelly, Paul Wall, and some other folks. This is another horrible Nelly creation, but after watchin this weekend's episode of Flavor of Love, I couldn't get the thought of "Smile for me daddy. Let me see your grill. Ya, ya grill. Ya, ya, ya grill" out of my head!
So Sick by Ne-Yo. I honestly like this song. However, every time I turned on the radio this weekend, it was playing. Good thing I don't listen to the radio that much or else I'd be so sick of this song!
Sometimes I Rhyme Slow, Sometimes I Rhyme Quick by Nice & Smooth. A hip hop classic. I'm cheating a little bit because this song is in my head right now. I'm watching the Law & Order marathon on TNT and the murder happened on "125 and St. Nick." Hmmm, I could sure use a Chico Stick right now.
Make It Last Forever by Keith Sweat. I was supposed to go see Keith this weekend. I'm kinda sad I didn't, but I had stuff to do. Oh well. Maybe next year.
Shower Me With Your Love by Surface. Palma and I heard this song as we were walking through the grocery store this weekend. It brought back memories of being at the Wheel A While and waiting for that special boy to ask me out on the rink for Couple's Skate. Ya'll know what I'm talkin about.
Seems You're Much Too Busy by Vertical Hold. I just love Angie Stone. This is Angie before anyone knew who she was. I've been listening to this one a lot lately.
He Loves Me by Jill Scott. I love everything this beautiful dreamer does, but He Loves Me has to be one of my favorites. For those of you who know the song, I know you agree that it is probably one of the most seductive songs on the planet! Lately, I've been thinking a lot about being loved "from my hair follicle to my toe nails." Alas, for right now it's but a dream.
Ain't No Such Thing As a Superman /Home Is Where the Hatred Is by Gil Scott-Heron. It's a toss-up between these 2 songs because I like them so much. What can I say? I was feelin a little old school this weekend.
Stakes Is High by De La Soul. I've been bangin this one (and Tainted Love by Slum Village) for weeks in my IPod. This is arguably one of De La's best (in my humble opinion). I think more than a few popular rappers of today could benefit from a listen.
Hopeless by Dionne Farris. Me and Palma watched Love Jones this weekend. This song (and that movie) brought back so many memories for us both. 'Member the lazy days of undergrad? 'Member how we loved Nia Long's hairdo?. 'Member how we thought Larenz Tate was so fine, even though he was only 5'5? 'Member how open mic poetry was the thang? 'Member how Bill Bellamy had a career?

For the rest of Beat & Rants' poll, CLICK HERE. Oh, and TAG. YOU'RE IT!!!

And for the biggest gross out moment of the day ...

2006-02-20T12:43:00.000-07:00

Calif. Woman, 62, Gives Birth to Baby Boy

Let's all give a collective tisk tisk to the doctor who thought it was a good idea to give fertility treatments to a 62-year-old woman with Diabetes. That's really responsible medicine!

Flavor of Love - Episode 7

2006-02-19T14:54:00.000-07:00

Again, it's a beautiful day and the ladies and Flav are waking up to start another day of courtship. New York weighs in on her competition - they're no competition.

Flav was born a travellin' man, so he's taking the girls on a trip. First, he's going to take Hoopz and Pumpkin to Palm Springs. Next, he'll take New York and Goldie to San Diego. New York is hurt that Hoopz & Pumpkin get to go first. She thinks they're sluts and bitches who will try to sleep with Flav. Well, isn't that the point? Goldie doesn't want to get separated either, but oh well!

Hoops & Pumpkin are on their way to a resort in Palm Springs. They're greeted by Flav wearing hot pink! The ladies get their own room filled with goodies. Flav left them a note - they're getting yoga lessons. Hmmm. Or should I say Ohhhhm? Flav wants them to "exercise that ass!"

The ladies and Flav look like they're having a hard time with the yoga. Flav's feet are black at the bottom and that ain't right. They get into some compromising yoga positions (downward dog looks like doggy-style), but the girls are very aware that they're in a competition. As such, they keep kissin his nasty ass. YUCKO!

Big Rick, sans sleeves, escorts the trio to the pool where they gross out the rest of the resort patrons. Hoopz and Pumpkin continue to try and one-up one another.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Next, the happy trio, including Flav and his clock, head to the spa. First, they do the toura festa, which means they get to pain one another with mud. Flav looks ashy, but he got "the flyest mud bath in the world!" Pumpkin takes off Hoopz's top - like she's not used to that. Next, they shower off the mud, at which point, Pumpkin starts slippin Flav to tongue. Not to be outdone, Hoopz joins in. I think I want to poke my eyes out!

Later in the evening, they prepare for dinner. While Hoopz is primping, Pumpkin writes him a letter about how she wants to get to know Flav in addition to making out with him. The ladies look lovely, and so does Flav with his top hat and matching clock. OK, I was totally kidding. Poor Pumpkin. She can't keep up with Flav and his black lingo. She looks so confused. Hoopz knows what time it is though.

When Hoopz excuses herself to use the potty, Pumpkin slips Flav the note. She wants to be alone with him. Awwww. Or should that be eeeewwwww! Flav thinks Pumpkin has heart, so excuses himself and Pumpkin, leaving poor Hoopz all alone. I want to "say poor" Hoopz, but she's adamant that she's not sleeping with him. Good for her. Pumpkin, on the other hand, is not stranger to sex on reality shows! What a skank.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

It's another day and Flav meets up with Trannie and Goldie in San Diego. When Trannie spots Flav, she runs into his arms, screaming "I missed you!!" Goldie knows she needs to step up her game.

The new threesome take a tour of the wild animal park. They took them to the "habitatual" land. I couldn't make that shit up if I tried. Lions and tigers and bears, oh my! Trannie likes giraffes. Perhaps they remind her of herself as she has a long ass neck and fat tongue. They feed the rhinos, which according to Flav, eat just like he does. He ain't lyin, ya'll. Apparently, the tour guide informs the group that animals with long horns have great sex lives. Well, that makes Flav happy because he's horny and wearing his horns! Somehow, I don't think that has much to do with his package. Goldie says she's capable of stealing the show while Trannie wants to make Flav feel like the king he is. OK.

They head to the W Hotel, a very nice spot, and they get ready for dinner. They're room is also filled with goodies and a portrait of Flav in an Indian head dress and his gold fronts. Aight, Chief! The girls are excited about the date. I LOVE GOLDIE. Trannie knows she's gorgeous while Goldie is just cute. Hmmm. Maybe if you're into men Trannie is gorgeous.

The yall meet for dinner. Goldie lays a smooch on Flav.

PAUSE: I love Goldie and want her to win. But, at the same time, I love Goldie and don't want her to be with Flav. I don't want to see her kiss him. He nasty. UNPAUSE. Trannie looks pissed that Goldie is layin the mack down on Flav. Flav is like "Whoa. Goldie, where have you been?" I could see his lil pecker staning at attention.

They eat dinner. Flav asks Goldie to feed him. She agrees. SCORE for Goldie. Trannie, looking pissed, offers Flav some shrimp. He ain't payin no attention to her because all eyes are on Goldie. Trannie is grippin her steak knife real hard, like she's gonna cut Goldie. Flav asks Goldie what she would do if she had some alone time with him. Goldie responds "I could show you better than I could tell you." SCORE SCORE! Then, she shoots Trannie a "What Bitch!!" look. Did I mention that I LOVE GOLDIE? Flav excuses himself and Goldie. Flav knew he didn't make Trannie happy. He could "smell the heat coming out the top of her head."

As Flav and Goldie get their smooch on, Trannie is back in the room cryin like a punk. She can't "share her man with another woman. A big girl at that!" Well, that big girl, that country bumpkin, that bicuits and white gravy, just walked off with your man, man . . . I mean Trannie!!

COMMERCIAL BREAK

It's a new day, again, and Flav looks extra special happy. Goldie put it on him! Tonight is elimination. Flav reflects on his dates. He had a good ole time.

Back at the mansion, Pumpkin, Hoopz, and Goldie reunite. They're all excited to see each other and cheer when they hear Goldie got the alone time. Trannie sits in her room by herself. The girls hope Trannie is the one to go. Trannie can only think of Flav and their future together.

Flav goes back to his suite to make his decision. Flav in his electric blue do rag and glasses, looks the most normal he's looked the entire show. Looking at the pics, Flav says he could get with this or he could get with that (Blacksheep, come out, come out wherever you are).

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Elimination time! 4 girls and 3 clocks. Who stays and who goes?

Pumpkin - I guess puttin out works.
Hoopz - Trannie says she's beautiful, but when she opens her mouth, "it's like dirt!"
Trannie - Apparnetly, Flav really likes men.

Goldie had to go. She's great, but he say she just a friend - oh, and she didn't put out! Tis a shame because she was the best woman on the show. The rest of the girls are shocked and will miss Goldie. So will I Goldie, so will I.

And here's a sign of Goldie's class. Instead of wishing the remaining ladies ill will, she says her heart goes out to Trannie because she knows the other girls won't talk to her.

Trannie, on the other hand, starts her crazy rantings about how she loves Flav and she will kill anyone who stands in her way (or something like that).

BUT next week is the kicker. Trannie and Pumpkin get to fightin! See ya'll next week.

That's Real Niggerish!

2006-02-17T20:49:00.000-07:00

My dear dear friend Wyatt emailed me this MySpace page this morning. I think I'll just post his entire email as I couldn't have said it better myself. When will our people rise up and overcome? OH, and if you are NOT BLACK but you happen to know me, DO NOT THINK FOR ONE MINUTE THAT YOU CAN GO AROUND USING THE N WORD IN MY PRESENCE OR ON MY BLOG. Sorry, but in the day and age of Chapelle's Show you gotta remind some fools. (I've included my own commentary in RED).

"This was a myspace bulletin a real person sent me (I don't actually know this person, but they're one of my 'friends').

It's a poem-ish thing about being a 'Real Nigga' and doing things a Real Nigga would do but it's all things a gentleman would do. And that's funny to me because I guess this guy is so ignorant than rather be a Black man he would rather be a nigga, but wants to make the distinction that he's a sweet nigga.

And I included the only Nikki Giovanni poem I know to compare his poetry to that of an established poet, who also has an opinion on niggers/niggas."

Most likely the realest nigga you'll eva meet . . .

by Some Nigga (OK, I totally added this)

A real nigga doesn't kiss and tell.
A real nigga notices your hair and nails. I don't want anyone noticing my hair today. I ran out of conditioner.
A real nigga call you beautiful . . . not hot, sexy, or fine. I dunno. I likes to be called fine and be reminded how thick I am.
A real nigga calls you on a daily basis no matter how busy or tired he is.
A real nigga looks past what he's heard about you or what his friends think of you.
A real nigga wants to spend as much time as he can with you, and won't get sick of you. That's just unrealistic. I get tired of niggas, so I'm sure they tire of me.
A real nigga doesn't care if you gave it up on the first, second or third night. Who's counting anyway? You gotta let a ho be a ho, HO!
A real nigga comes over, just to watch a movie. Hopefully it's not Beauty Shop. That movie was garbage.
A real nigga kissed you on the forehead just because. But it ain't so sweet if you get cut up by his iced out grill!
A real nigga doesn't tell you what he thinks you want to hear, he tells you what's real. Fuck that! Lie to me, dammit!
A real nigga should be treated like one. OK, how exactly is that?

Ladies - If you want a real nigga then rpost this as "I WANT A REAL NIGGA." Guys - If you a real nigga repost this as "I'M A REAL NIGGA." And anyone who does this is a real fool!

The True Import Of Present Dialogue, Black vs. Negro (For People, Who Will Ultimately Judge Our Efforts)
by Nikki Giovanni I won't allow myself to make fun of Nikki

Nigger

Can you kill
Can you kill
Can a nigger kill
Can a nigger kill a honkie
Can a nigger kill the Man
Can you kill nigger
Huh? nigger can youkill
Do you know how to draw blood
Can you poison
Can you stab-a-Jew
Can you kill huh? nigger
Can you kill
Can you run a protestant down with your'68 El Dorado
(that's all they're good for anyway)
Can you kill
Can you piss on a blond head
Can you cut it off
Can you kill
A nigger can die
We ain't got to prove we can die
We got to prove we can kill
They sent us to kill
Japan and Africa
We policed Europe
Can you kill
Can you kill a white man
Can you kill the nigger
in you
Can you make your nigger mind
die
Can you kill your nigger mind
And free your black hands to
strangle
Can you kill
Can a nigger kill
Can you shoot straight and
Fire for good measure
Can you splatter their brains in the street
Can you kill them
Can you lure them to bed to kill them
We kill in Viet Nam
for them
We kill for UN & NATO & SEATO & US
And everywhere for all alphabet but
BLACK
Can we learn to kill WHITE for BLACK
Learn to kill niggers
Learn to be Black men

Those pesky Italians are at it again!

2006-02-17T20:39:00.000-07:00

Italian court: Not a virgin? Sex crimes aren't as serious

And in case you're in the LA area . . .

2006-02-16T18:09:00.000-07:00

Another Flav-tastic Recap - Flavor of Love Episode 6

2006-02-12T22:23:00.000-07:00

Welcome back suckas!!! I know ya'll were feenin for the Flavor all last week when the show took a lil break for the Superbowl. Well, let's get this party started.

It must've been a wild night because Flav wakes up in a Smiley/Hoopz sammich. Flav is quite the "Flav-mantic." As he stares lovingly at Hoopz, he tells her that he's "hipmatized" by her. Awwww. Isn't that tweet? Hoopz shares the warm sentiment, noting that the intimacy between she and Flav is so natural. Indeed. Smiley, not to be left out of the love fest, woke up with "such a nice warm feeling" in her heart. I'm so filled with love . . . or is that vomit?

Cut to the sight of Hot Mess jumpin rope and very close to putting her own eye out with that bosom of hers. She's ready for whatever comes, but can't wait until the other girls leave. Meanwhile, Trannie (aka New York) drags hard on her cigarette and complains about not getting a clock at the last elimination.

While getting ready for his day, Flav spies something interesting on another reality tv show. He jumps up with excitement and brings the girls (sans Hot Mess) up to his room. They all crowd on his bed and watch.

OOOOH it's HOT MESS on Blind Date. What's worse is that she's wearing that horrible turquoise outfit that makes her boobs look like they're being held captive by ace bandages (thank the tv lawd for the pause and rewind buttons because I NEVER would've spotted the outfit otherwise). I know, I know. It's not much unlike all of her outfits, but ya'll know the one I'm talking about. I wrote about it in Episode 2. Anyhoo, Hot Mess is talking about how she likes nice things. Now I ain't sayin she a gold-digga. . . Oh, it get's better.

In the background, you hear Hot Mess's blind date say the only difference between Hot Mess and a hooker is "she doesn't recognize that she might be a hooker!" Say it with me folks. DAYUM!!!!! Do you mean to tell me that Hot Mess isn't in it for LOVE? I don't believe it! Of course, Flav is disappointed because he doesn't like fake people. Flav asks the girls not to tell Hot Mess what they saw. He'll find out if she's for real, and if not, he'll "put that shit on blast!"

After the Blind Date debacle, Pumpkin admits to Hoopz that she was on Blind Date too (hell, I saw the bitch on Next last week, but I won't tell if you don't!). Hoopz thinks that Pumpkin should fess up to Flav, but we all know she won't.

Later, Flav, who's now sportin a TWA (teenie weenie afro), tells the ladies that he's invited a guest! Enter Brigitte, the love of Flav's life, who's tryin to channel Sharon Stone with her Basic In-stank all-white ensemble. The girls don't seem too enthused. I wonder why? Gitte actually does love her lil Foofy Foofy (crazy loves crazy), so she's gonna sniff out the fake bitches. That shouldn't be too hard.

The Foofster leaves Gitte alone with the ladies. Not one to mince words, Gitte asks "If Foofy Foofy was not who he is, and he was to ask you 'if you really love me, whould you come live with me in a camper?' who would do it?" All the girls raise their hands and shout "I would." Ok, first, who is Foofy really? He used to be the hype man for arguably the most influential group in rap music / black music / the world. Now, he's the punchline to a reality tv joke. Second, ya'll are some lyin bitches because none of you want to live in a camper with a man that looks like a gremlin. I smelled that bullshit all the way from Arizona. I'm sure Gitte smelled it immediately.

While opening a bottle of wine, Gitte asks "Who's been sleeping in bed with Foofy Foofy?" Must she be so gauche? Apparently all have shared a taste of Flav because they all raised their hands. To be fair, they claim they're just cuddling, and Goldie emphasizes that they're all fully clothed. Why don't I believe that? Well, Gitte took pride in telling the girls (1) she got up close and personal with Flav while she was au natural and (2) she's still in love with him, so those bitches betta tread lightly. Cheers!

Now Gitte wants to get very serious, so she takes Goldie to another room. Duhn, duhn, duhn!

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Back at the mansion, Gitte is making the girls take lie detector tests. What is this? The Maury Povich Show? Well, Flav needs a girl, honest and true. So, as she straps in Goldie, she says that if Goldie doesn't really want Foofy, tell all lies and Gitte will take him back. Oh lawd. She's supposed to be helpin Flav find love, not pimpin herself out! So here's the rundown:

Goldie: She's truly attached to Foofy and she likes Gitte. She takes the test with her trademark Kool-Aid smile. I LOVE GOLDIE!
Hoopz: She hasn't had sex with Foof, but she'd like to. My stomach is turning.
Pumpkin: She lied about watching Red Sonja, God only knows why. When asked if she'd ever been on reality tv (and yes dating shows count, bitch), she comes clean . . . all the way clean because apparently, she also fucked on her first turn on reality tv. What a dirty dirty whore!
Trannie: She really loves the Foofster and thinks he's in love with her, but she doesn't want to have his kids. That's good because we're supposed to destroy Gremlins, not breed new ones. Never feed 'em after midnight!
Hot Mess: What can I say besides she's a goddamn lie. She lied about everything from her age to being on television to bein a gold digger. The thing is, she's lied so much that she's likely convinced herself that she's telling the truth. Goldie is right - the bitch is lyin!
Smiley: She's got fake boobies (SURPRISE). When asked if she'd ever been a stripper, she tries to stop the test, but Gitte shuts her down. Surprise, she's been a stripper (like we couldn't tell from the performance she gave Flav in Episode 5. Oh, she's also still in love with her ex-hubby.

After the lie detector "testses," Gitte takes the girls out for a night on the town. The girls know this is not going to be a fun din-din. They'd be right. Gitte tells Hoopz, and I quote (as apparent by the upcoming quotation marks) "You know what? You think you're too pretty and you're not that pretty." OK. Let's take a moment to reflect on that, shall we?

You be the judge.

Hoopz is not one to back down, so the two cats start clawing. Trannie says that if Gitte had come at her the way she came at Hoopz, she "would've definitely taken a chunk out of her freakin Norweigen ass and told her where she could go!" That's great Trannie, but I think Gitte is from Denmark, not Norway, but who's keeping track (oh wait, I am!)? Well, the fight keeps going once they get dinner. Brigitte even threatens to leave, but Trannie convinces her to stay. The Gitte tries to pull out hte big guns. She tells Hoopz that something is wrong with her. Hoopz's response? "Well, Flav doesn't think so." BAM! Get her Hoopz!!! Gitte thinks Hoopz is arrogant and obnoxious, but I just think Gitte is jealous because on her best days, she can't hold a candle to Hoopz, and Hoopz doesn't fear her. At that point, Hoopz gets up and leaves. You go girl!

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Back at the crib, Smiley confides in Trannie that she's feeling weak and scared. WTF? Is she nuts? Trannie is in it to win it and will use whatever info she has. Trannie sees that Smiley has problems (who doesn't?) and that she needs to be talking to Flav instead.

The next morning, Flav asks the girls how they liked Gitte? They responded in the most truthful way they could. "Interesting!" At breakfast, Flav tells the girls he's going out to brunch with Brigette where he'll get the rundown on each of them. The girls are scared, and rightly so.

At brunch, Gitte pulls out her dosier and give Flav the lowdown:

Goldie is sweet and sincere. She was the 100% honest on the lie detector test. Still, Gitte doesn't think that Goldie is right for Foofy on the physical tip. What? She got something against big girls?
Smiley is one of the most attractive but very insecure. She tells Flav that Smiley was a stripper and still had feelings for her ex. She's a no!
Pumpkin likes to argue, therefore, she ain't it.
Trannie is a no, but Flav knows she's in love.
Hot Mess lied about EVERYTHING - her size, feelings, measurements. She's just a hot mess!
Hoopz is arrogant and disrespectful.

Flav know he's still got Gitte's heart, so when she doesn't really like any of the girls, he knows what time it is.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Gitte and Foofy Foofy part ways (insert lonely teardrop here). Flav gets back to the house and has one-on-ones before he makes his elimination decision. This is their last chance to come clean. Here's the skinny:

Smiley: She came clean about being a stripper, but she didn't mention being in love with her ex.
Trannie: She takes her time to talk about Smiley, although she doesn't mention her name. What a beatch!
Pumpkin: She totally rats out Smiley too. Mind you, she doesn't come clean about having sex on a reality tv show. She ain't right, and the cornrows she's sporting ain't right either.
Hot Mess: She doesn't come clean a lick! We're not surprised, are we?
Hoopz: She admits that she and Gitte fought the entire time. That's really all there was to it, but Flav thinks there's more based on what Gitte told him.
Goldie: She's the only one that didn't lie when tested, so Goldie is golden!

Flav wishes the girls good luck in the elimination, but as he attempts to walk out the door, Trannie stops him. All the girls follow Flav to tell him that he should put the kybosh on Smiley because she didn't really want to be in the house. Smiley stands up for herself and says that she's not the strongest person, but it doesn't help when Trannie is always reminding her of her weakness. Oh no. Trannie's adam's apple begins to twitch. Flav says that his relationship with Smiley is the only one that matters.

Flav leaves and Trannie trounces. She get's mad for bringing her name up to Flav. Isn't this the same person who dimed Smiley out in her one-on-one with Flav? Hmmm. Smiley says she totally trusted Trannie. Why the fuck would she do that? If she's that stupid, she needs to leave. All the girls argue with Smiley. Smiley tries to hold her own, but she's obviously not strong enough to take the heat. I feel kinda bad for her because she seems genuinely nice, but she's CRA CRA!

Meanwhile, back in the Master's Suite, Flav is making his elimination decision. Somebody's goin home . . . and it ain't Flav.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Elimination time! The girls are lined up in their finest hoochie outfits looking nervous. Tic toc, who gets a clock?

Goldie
Trannie (when Flav called her name, it took her to a special place)
Pumpkin
Hoopz

2 bodies. 1 clock left. Well . . .

No clock for Hot Mess. She's a fake gold-diggin skeez and a big fat (and I mean that literally and figuratively) liar. She gotsta go! She's shocked that he threw her out the way he did. I just thought it was long overdue!
No clock for Smiley either. She's still in love with her ex. Even though they have a genuine connection, he wants her to take care of her issues. Smiley cries (as usual), but she understands. Too bad. She "might could be the one!"

The 4 remaining ladies and Flav pour some champagne out for Smiley, then sip the bubbly! Hoopz says that Flav made some good choices, so the competition is up in the air. Trannie is convinced that she's "gonna win (getting choked up) the heart (choked up again) of that beautiful man!" Jesus help me cuz I'm about to lose it!

Next week, my girl Goldie steps up her game and Trannie cries because she's "not gonna share her man with another woman . . . a big girl at that!" See ya'll next week.

And how do you celebrate Black History Month?

2006-02-10T11:32:00.000-07:00

I know 1 grocery store does it by sellin' cornbread, greens, relaxers, and Mo' Better Blues. I'm surprised they left out sunflower seeds, hot sauce, and watermelon!

I know my people. We love cornbread. We love pork (except for the folks in the Nation). We love greens. We use cocoa butter. We read Ebony. We loved Andre Braugher in The Tuskeegee Airmen. I'm not really ashamed of any of those things.

What I don't like is those things being represented as Black History. I might've almost bought the ad if, for instance, it mentioned:

Nov. 1, 1945: The first issue of Ebony, a national black press publication, hit newstands. Founder John H. Johnson was the first black person to appear on the Forbes 400 Rich List, and had a fortune estimated at close to $600 million.
Dec. 23, 1867: Birth of Madame C.J. Walker, inventor of black hair care products, including a crude verison of today's hair relaxer, and the first self-made black female millionaire.

or better yet . . .

Laurence Fishburn starred in Cornbread, Earl & Me ("they shot Cornbread!!!") and the television movie about the Tuskegee Airmen. The Army Air Corps' all African American 100th Pursuit Squadron, later designated a fighter squadron, was activated at Tuskegee Institute. The squadron served honorably in England and in other regions of the European continent during World War II.

See how I skillfully combined cornbread and the Tuskegee Airmen???

Anyhoo, the ad mentioned nothing regarding black history. Instead we get a pic of a Dark & Lovely box. If anything, I think this stupid ad is a prime example of why Black History Month is still needed (I love you Morgan Freeman, but yous a dayum fool!), though it clearly needs a reworking.

So, since some folks need a lesson, we'll all get a short one today.

February 10, 1964: Today is the birthday of the Civil Rights Act of 1964. This is a very important moment for every American.

"After 12 days of debate and voting on 125 amendments, the U.S. House of Representatives passed the Civil Rights Act of 1964 by a vote of 290-130. The bill prohibited any state or local government or public facility from denying access to anyone because of race or ethnic origin. It further gave the U.S. Attorney General the power to bring school desegregation law suits. The bill allowed the federal government the power to bring school desegregation law suits and to cut off federal funds to companies or states who discriminated. It forbade labor organizations or interstate commercial companies from discriminating against workers due to race or ethnic origins. Lastly, the federal government could compile records of denial of voting rights. After passage in the House, the bill went to the Senate, which after 83 days of debate passed a similar package on June 19 by a vote of 73 to 27. President Lyndon Johnson signed the legislation on July 2. Later, future Georgia governor Lester Maddox would become the first person prosecuted under the Civil Rights Act." (Blackfacts.com)

Peace, love, and thanks to Madame C.J. Walker, hair grease!

Everyone has AIDS

2006-02-08T00:26:00.000-07:00

Last night, Sharky and I went to the dollar theatre to see Rent, and boy did it suck? Blow? Oh, it just plain whack! We shoulda saved his money (at $2 per ticket, he was a big spender) and watched my copy of Team America: World Police. The "Everyone Has AIDS" scene was quite an accurate depiction of Rent, which dragged on and on and on, making me wish that I would die (but not from AIDS).

So, why did I hate the movie so? Let's make a list, shall we?

Aren't musicals supposed to have some dialogue? I mean, the cast (except for Rosairo Dawson) had amazing voices, but JESUS H. CHRISTO, shouldn't they have spoken for at least 5 consecutive minutes before breaking into song?
I'm mad at Taye Diggs for marrying a man. OK, Idina Menzell is a celebrated broadway actress and really does have a beautiful voice, but I'll be doggon' if she don't look like a man in drag. Shit, she made the Angel character look more femme! And I think people with pasty white asses should not moon anyone!
Rosario Dawson. Bless her, but she couldn't carry a tune if it had a Prada handle. They engineered her voice to death. Was her voice anywhere in there? If not, they might've been doing the viewing public a service.
I can't see Anthony Rapp as anyone but Darryl from Adventures in Babysitting. That was one of my favorite movies growing up. I actually bought the DVD right before Christmas for my momma. "Nobody leaves this club without singin the blues!"
Jesse L. Martin and that shitty Santa Fe song. God, I love me some Jesse L. Martin. God, I hated that whole scene in the subway where they sang a song about owing a restaurant in Santa Fe. It was just dumb (I couldn't come up with anything more clever to say).
Where was all the AIDS? I mean, there was an occassional mention of AZT time, and a few AIDS support group meetings, but it really didn't make a statement at all about AIDS. I was expectin some quiltin or some more deaths or something. I left the movie thinking nothing about AIDS. I was actually more concerned about paying rent that was 2 years late.
Back to Rosario, or well, Mimi. That had to be the most ridiculous character in the history of film. On what planet is a smackwhore stripper with AIDS a good catch? Really? Can someone tell me where? Oh, and that whole waking up from dying to heard dude's song just made me want to rip my eyes out. I think Sharky actually threw a coke bottle toward the screen. I mean, she seriously popped up like she wasn't on death's door 2 minutes before. Then to top it all all, she saw a white light!!! JESUS, who wrote this shit? Oh yea, that guy who died of AIDS. My bad.

So Sharky and I sat through the whole horrid thing and felt dumber for having watched it. Actually, we agreed that Rent was more brokeback than Brokeback Mountain. In fact, now I'm going to take him to see Brokeback just to cleanse his mind of Rent.

And for the record . . .

2006-02-06T18:50:00.000-07:00

My lil Tracy is NOT an appliance wrecker. Shame on whomever started that rumor (and we all know who you are, so I ain't gotta say your name, PUNK!)!!!

Can non-black people be GHETTO?

2006-02-06T18:26:00.000-07:00

Why yes they can. Case in point:

Shorty and I threw a party for Rosey Palm this weekend. We sent out an evite with about 60 invitees. In the party description, I said "feel free to invite anyone we may have forgotten." Now, to grown ass folks with the sense the good Lord gave them, that means "feel free to bring your sweetie or your sister or someone I simply forgot to add because I didn't have their email address." That DID NOT mean "feel free to invite about 20 random ass folks that I don't know and who don't even know who the birtday girl is."

Well, you guess it. Someone being of not so sound mind and body decided to invite an entourage of randoms who stole 1 cell phone, 1 digital camera, and a bottle of wine. Oh, it gets worse. Those suckas also broke Shorty's stove! WTF?

Now, everyone at the party was in their late 20s and early 30s, professionals, or graduate or professional students. So, how the hell do you have theiving folks who destroy home appliances? Well folks, no matter how old or educated some people get, they still act like fuckin idiots. I wouldn't say ghetto, cuz except for me and a couple other guests (my sister and my friend's date), they weren't black. There sure were a lot of NDNS though. I guess the more proper term would be REZZED OUT!

So, the moral of the story is that from now on, my parties will be invite-only (and I know some folks who will NOT be on that last). Having said that, the party was actually really fun and the overwhelming majority of folks behaved like grown folks should.

No New Flavor OF Love Tonight Folks

2006-02-05T13:49:00.000-07:00

So go play on your "Internets" elsewhere!

If you must stay, here are the rundowns from all 5 episodes plus some FOL X-tras!

Episode 1
Episode 2
Episode 3
Episode 4
Episode 5
Meet the Groupies

Next week - Brigitte!

Flavor of Love Newsflash

2006-02-04T16:18:00.000-07:00

I'm sittin at home, mindin my own biz-nezz, when I see PUMPKIN from Flavor of Love on that MTV show NEXT. I wish I were kidding. She's clearly older than the rest of the girls on the bus as evidenced by her need for an eye lift. She also didn't get to go on a date. Poor thing!

A trip . . . fall . . . tumble down memory lane

2006-02-03T12:22:00.000-07:00

Ya'll know I love music, especially black music (and no, Hootie does NOT count as black music). I even like bad black music (and apparently, I'm not the only one. It's no coincidence that Three 6 Mafia, who brought us hits like Sippin on Some Syzurp, Tear the Club Up, and Stay Fly, was nominated for and OSCAR!?!?!). Why? Because it brings back memories, and mostly happy ones since I've had a really good life.

On that note, I may be dating myself here, but I'm really excited that Keith Sweat is coming to town. Now, now. I know I don't look a day over 21, but I'm old enough to remember Keith and his whining, moaning voice that made all the ladies cream (back then, I think I was too young to cream). Make it Last, I Want Her, Twisted, Nobody . . . all of these songs bring back wonderful memories. Even though I've always thought that Keith wasn't much of a singer, I love me some Keith Sweat. He's an R&B icon because his music provided the soundtrack for a lot of baby makin in the late 80s and early 90s.

Anyhoo, I was having drinks with some of my peeps last night and The Rock told me that Keith would be joined by Shai!! Even Scrappy, the rocker chick, said she wanted to hit the show. Who didn't slow drag to If I Ever Fall In Love? I wondered what happened to them. Now I know. They're opening for Keith Sweat at a casino, where once-popular singers go to die with their old ass fans (myself included I guess cuz I'm goin to see Keith and Shai!).

After most of the group took off, me, The Rock, and Qtee headed over to The Rock's new place, had a few beers, and took a musical trip down memory lane. He broke out all the 90s hits. Jodeci (my absolute favorite group of all time). TLC. Montel Jordan. Mary J. Blige. Hell, he even had Adina Howard and Domino. Even I didn't buy those CDs!!!

We laughed and drank and sang along with the songs. All the while, I was thinking "Self, you're getting old and turning into your parents." I'm now at the point in my life where I mostly listen to older music. I talk about how much most current music is shit. My I-Pod is filled with old school hits (from just about every genre) from the 70s, 80s, and 90s. I love my parent's music.

When did this happen to me? Am I the only one turning into my parents? I'm not even 30 yet for Chrissake!

So, I pose the following question to you: Am I the only one?

Oh Rudy!

2006-02-03T12:20:00.000-07:00

Not only are Australians mean. They're also dirty!

Don't let the bed-bugs bite? Try stopping them!

FLAVOOORRR FLAAAAVVV!!! - Episode 5

2006-01-31T11:18:00.000-07:00

Sorry I'm late again. a sista's been workin really hard lately. Here goes. . .

***

Once again, it's a beautiful day in the Flavor-hood. Smiley stepped up her game and makes Flav breakfast in bed.

Meanwhile, Big Rick delivers the next Flav-o-Gram. The ladies need to throw on their "slamminest dress" and pack up because they're headed to Vegas!!! The crowd roars! The girls primp and go. Flav, who's feeling like "Big Willy" waits for the girls in front of a private jet which was clearly provided by VH1, but these chicken heads might be fooled into thinking it's his. Am I psychic? Call me Miss Cleo cuz Hot Mess is already scoping out which jet will be hers! The ladies board the jet, but what's the matter with Pumpkin? Awww, she's skird!

Viva Las Vegas! Hot Mess feels completely at home in Vegas because the people wear what they want and do what they want. That may be true, but it don't make it right! Anyway, Flav tells the ladies that they have a surprise waiting for them at the Hard Rock. They arrive at the suite to a rack of gowns. That was actually very nice. Thanks VH1!

They all hit the Roulette table. Each lady gets $100 and 10 minutes to play. Whomever wins the most money gets a special date with Flav. They pretty much suck, but who doesn't at Roulette. That's the shittiest game in the casino. Most of the girls are out in a few minutes. Oyster wins $155. Smiley wins $110 and a nasty kiss from Flav. New York gives Flav a rub down with her booty for good luck, then stacks the chips. I'll be damned if it worked because she came away with $465. Pumpkin is up next. . .

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Pumpkin's strategy is to put a lilttle money on a lot of numbers. It seems to work because she's winning (and kissing Flav at the same time - ick!). In the end, she was no competition for New York.

New York (aka Tranny) and Flav head to dinner. Tranny told Flav that when they come together, they're going to explode. Most times, explosions are BAD!!! Oh it gets worse. The make out for about 8 minutes. I saw more man-on-man action this episode than I did in Brokeback Mountain. Flav is lovin Tranny becaues she treats him like he wants to be treated (I hear Jodeci in the background). However, he's bothered because she's just a little too territorial. Still, she tells him "I Love You." BARF!!!

Meanwhile, the other girls head to Club Paradise and worked the pole. I told ya'll they were strippers!!! They also clown on Red Oyster because they know she's a snitch.

Everyone meets up again and the girls are jealous of Tranny. You've got to be kidding me! They get back on the plane and head home!

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Back at the mansion, the girls are doing their thing. Goldie asks Hot Mess "how long is your real hair?" to which Hot Mess replies "this is my real hair." Goldie laughs out loud, and rightly so.

PAUSE. I do have to take just a moment and pause the live recap to proclaim to the world that Hottie is a fuckin liar! A black girl can spot a weave a mile away, and a bad one like Hottie's can be spotted from the stratosphere. Who does that bitch think she's foolin? That's why I renamed her Hot Mess! UNPAUSE.

Goldie tells the camera that Hot Mess's hair looks attrocious and lo and behold, she repeats my above sentiment. Balck girls unite! Anyhoo, Hot Mess sticks to her story. Poor delusional woman.

Big Rick brings in the next Flav-o-gram. Looks like Flav is going to test the ladies using his 5 senses and the winner, of course, gets a private date with him. Red Oyster wins the airhead award because she thinks the challenge will have something to do with appliances because the clue contained the work "electrifying." Bitch, he said 5 senses! Get a clue.

The ladies get ready. Hot Mess starts curling her real (or really fake) hair and sausages herself into another dress that's not quite her size. In all, they look like a bunch of hookers (except Goldie who always looks appropriate). Flav, who's wearing a blindfold, tells the ladies that he needs a woman that will please all of his senses. So he's giving them "5 testses:"

Smell
Touch
Taste
Feel
Sight
Hearing

Hmmmm. That's 6 and I don't think Flav has the 6th sense. Let's just collapse Touch and Feel into one category, shall we? Of course, the girl with the highest score wins the special date.

Smell: Here's a rundown:

Pumpkin smells like bacon. Flav likes bacon, so she scores a 7.
Hot Mess smells like mushrooms. Flav no likey mushrooms, so she scores a 4.
Red Oyster smells like spaghetti sauces. That's an 8.
Goldie smells like chicken wings. That's an 8.
Hoopz is fried rice. That's an 8.
Smiley is a steak. That's a 9.
New York is broccoli. That's a 9. Broccoli a 9? WTF?

Sound. The ladies get to sing the last line of the Star Spangled Banner. For those of you who don't know, that's "O're the land of the free, and the home of the FLAV!" I won't waste your time or mine recapping each bad performance. All I'll say is these are some tone-def bitches. Hot Mess, a classically trained singer, also sounds like a hot mess, but that should surprise no one. Goldie says "I guess there's something that she has to offer to the world, and I guess that's the gift of song." Did I mention that Goldie is likely my kindred spirit (except for the fact that she's actually on this show, that is). Smiley and New York are still the two ladies left to beat.

Taste. Flav licks the ladies. I know, I know. My stomach just curdled a little too. Anyway, each girl sits on his lap and Flav takes a lip. Pumpkin notes that Flav has to know it's Hot Mess on his lap because she feels heavy. New York gave Flav his (and yes, I mean his) forehead to taste. Smiley went all out and stuck her tongue down his throat. That girl is in it to win it. Uh oh, Smiley takes the lead.

Touch. Flav feels a whole lot of T & A. Still, Smiley is 1 point ahead of New York.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Sight. This promises to be interesting. The women have to dance for Flav behind a screen, so all he sees is silhouettes.

Pumpkin: She can't help that she's white with no rhythm. I need to send her to my girl Melissa for some lessons. She scores a 5.
Hot Mess: She's got a can and she's shakin her rump - but somehow I neither want to zoom zoom zoom or a boom boom. Her flaps of fat are not well contained in that outfit taht threatens to pop apart from all the pressure at any moment. She scores a 7.
Red Oyster: She suffers from the same affliction as Pumpkin. That's a shame because I've seen some Asians dance their asses off. She scores a 5.
Goldie: She shook it for Carolina and used a few obscene gestures with Flav's cane. She scores a 7.
Hoopz: I know she's a stripper in real life. Hell, she does the splits. She scores an 8.
Smiley: She's takin her clothes off. VH1 had to blurr out her nipples. OOOOH, she's a skank! She scores a 9.
New York: She starts out working it like a real stripper, but then her ass stumbles while she's on her knees. LMAO. Oh, I'm still laughing. A lonely teardrop just came down my cheek. She scores an 8.

So, the big winner is Smiley! She's in tune with all of Flav's senses. Their date is in the bubble bath. How is that a date exactly? Am I the only one who thinks that Smiely would be shaped like a man if she didn't have the fake boobies? Oh well. They make out in the tub. I'm grossed out, are you? I think i just saw Flav's tongue. ICKY!

Meanwhile, Red Oyster, Hot Mess and New York are in the kitchen talking about who they would like to see elininated. Hot Mess says she wouldn't mind seeing New York go home! Well, a catfight ensues, and New York insists that she "ain't goin mothafuckin nowhere" because she's "in the mothafuckin house!" Oh Lord. Red Oyster was just quiet.

Flav is ready to do some eliminatin. Again, it's an easy choice for him.

In the phone room, you see Red Oyster checking her messages. Apparently, there's som bad news. Yeah right. This is just their way of getting the plant off the show.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Time to see who knows what time it is. Smiley feels ok because she had a good date with him New York is unsure. Hot Mess calls New York bi-polar. Ain't that the pot tryin to smut the kettle?

So who get's to stay?

Smiley
Pumpkin
Hoopz
Goldie

But wait, Red Oyster steps out and eliminates herself. Her father was in a serious accident and she's gotta go. Am I the only one not buying that? She was a plant. A big red one! Flav tells her that he would've chosen her to stay.

Red Oyster says her goodbyes. New York tells her that she was the only one in the house she respected. Hot Mess tells her that the same thing happened to her in college, to which Red Oyster replies "Shut up, bitch . . . don't make it about you." DAYUM!!!

But wait! Of New York or Hot Mess, who was supposed to go? Hmmm. I'd guess Hot Mess, but Flav's not telling! Even when New York asks to know, he tells her "if you was gonna get a clock, you would've got a clock. If you wasn't gonna get a clock, you wasn't gonna get a clock." Thanks for clarifying that Flav.

Next week, Brigitte is comin. I'll try my best to get this done on time!!!

I know I know

2006-01-31T11:17:00.000-07:00

I'm slackin on my pimpin. I haven't done my Flavor of Love recap. I'll get around to it. A sista's been busy!

. . . and even sadder news

2006-01-31T10:45:00.000-07:00

Senate Confirms Alito to Supreme Court

NO COMMENT- FUCKERS!!!!!

RIP Coretta Scott King

2006-01-31T10:42:00.000-07:00

" ATLANTA - Coretta Scott King, who turned a life shattered by her husband's assassination into one devoted to enshrining his legacy of human rights and equality has died. She was 78. Markel Hutchins, a close family friend of the Kings, told The Associated Press he spoke early this morning with Bernice King, who confirmed her mother's passing."

I don't really have anything personal to add except this is a very sad day.

That's Brokeback!

2006-01-23T16:12:00.000-07:00

Ya'll know I love the Boondocks ('member that post about Aaron McGruder?). Here's today's strip.

I thought it was timely in light of the fact that I can't get Romius and Sharky-poo to take me to see Brokeback Mountain. I don't know why? I mean, these are the two men who ventured to see March of the Penguins together without a woman or child with them. If anything, that's about as Brokeback as going to see a gay cowboy movie. Besides, they live together and play together. What's a lil movie about gay cowboy lovin between friends?

CLICK THE STRIP FOR A LARGER VIEW!

Flavor of Love Recap - Episode 4, Booooooiiiiiiiii!

2006-01-22T15:31:00.000-07:00

Welcome back kiddies. Here’s the extensive recap of Episode 4.

The ladies are sleeping sound in their beds, while visions of Flavor Flav dance in their heads. All of a sudden, Flav bursts in and wakes up the girls and they all line up the stairwell to hear the special news.

While the ladies are waiting, Goldie remarks that Hottie looks like a broke Gomer Pyle with her whack boogie-woogie-bugle-boy-inspired togs. It’s funny because it’s true!

Flav’s got a special guest for the ladies this fine Sunday morning. They’re goin to church with Anna Drake, aka Momma Flav. The girls have exactly a half hour to change into their “chuuuch” gear. Poor New York can’t get ready in 30 minutes. I mean, it takes that long to tuck her dick between her butt cheeks and shave that 5 o’clock shadow.

Meanwhile, Momma Flav is watching her watch. She likes to be prompt. I don’t mean no harm, but I see where Flav gets his looks from. Awwww, that was mean!

The ladies are ready, and for the most part, they look presentable. As usual, Hottie looks like a hot mess with a white dress and red “devlish” cape to the House of the Lord! No, no, no!

The ladies leave for church. The choir is workin it. Makes me wish I went to church this morning. Anyway, poor little Red Oyster is havin trouble keeping the beat, but Sweetie looks relieved to be there. Goldie is in tears. Apparently, her mother passed away recently (poor Goldie). All the girls seem moved – all except New York who is plottin to get closer to Momma Flav.

After church, the ladies and Momma Flav go to tea. She will speak with each lady individually. Goldie looks like she connects with Mamma Flav. Sweetie looks like she’s boring Momma Flav. Momma is busy lookin at her biscuit instead of listening to Sweetie's drivel. Hottie tries to suck up to Momma Flav with her extensive list of "accomplishments." And then there’s New York. She tells Momma Flav that she’s “a pure woman” and she’s truly in LOVE with Flav. She’s full of more shit than a port-a-potty at the state fair.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Flav shows Momma the clocks with the girls’ faces and asks for her opinion. Momma Flav keyed in on Hottie. Flav says he’s gonna try to “rub her tonight.” Momma looks like she’s about to smack the shit out of him, just like a good black momma should. Anyway, Momma didn’t connect with Hoopz and she really didn’t like Sweetie, who she described as desperate to win.

Flav decides to spend some one-on-one time with each of the girls. That’s 8 girls at 1 hour each. Here’s a lil recap-let of each date.

Hoopz is first and she’s workin it. Flav wants to put his finger on it.
Goldie is #2. Flav wants to see “what’s goin on with the Country Bumpkin.”
Pumpkin rocks with Flav.
Hottie’s got big knockers, which Flav plants his face in.
New York thinks Flav has “a lot of meat waiting” for her.
Flav falls asleep on Oyster and she looks disgusted/annoyed because he’s snoring all on her. Probably drooling too.
Sweetie tells Flav “I just want you.” ICK. BLECK. So now she’s ridin on top of him like the freak she is. I knew she was perpetrating and Flav isn’t fooled either. Remember, Momma didn’t like Sweetie either.
Smiley will have to have her date the next day because both she and Flav are wiped out.

Flav lays gets ready to go to bed when he receives an ominous knock on the door. Duhn, duhn, duhn!

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Who’s knockin? Hoopz & Pumpkin. Then comes New York. One wonders how she hid her pee-pee in that itty bitty outfit. Flav brings passion out of her. Grrrrr! Oh, and she says he can’t keep his hands off of her. Cut to a shot of Flav snoring while New York takes his hands and puts them on her.

It’s morning, and we get to wake up to a shot of Flav’s nasty ass feet. AHHHHH! Ok, now that you’re finished throwing up, Flav talks about waking up in a Hoopz/Pumpkin sammich and how he was gonna do it to them! This is the part where you throw up some more. Finished? Let’s move on.

Flav meets the girls in the hot tub. Hottie says she’s 38-26-36. BULLSHIT! Oyster says the only 26 on Hottie is her thick neck. Dayum! I was thinking the same thang!

While in the hot tub, Flav challenges the girls to a cook-off because he loves a girl that can cook. The winner get’s a date with Flav. Why do I think Goldie has this one on lock? Sweetie claims she’s skird – that’s right, skird – of raw chicken. Sweetie’s chicken phobia comes from being bitten by a rooster when she was a little kid. Seriously. Could I make this up?

In the kitchen, Big Rick tells the ladies they have 30 minutes to make chicken. Hoopz is at home in the kitchen. Pumpkin is gonna follow the recipe because she’s never made fried chicken before. Sweetie is freakin out. Hottie knows that her chicken because she was raised a vegetarian, so hers will have lots of fresh veggies. She’s stuffing it with whole carrots, French onions, and jelly! Yes folks, jelly (not syrup). She puts it in the microwave and punches the chicken button. I echo Goldie’s sentiment. “Bitch is crazy!!!”

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Dinner time!!! Momma Flav is back and she’s gonna comment on each tray of chicken while Flav tastes it. Here we go:

Tray #1 (Hoopz) and Tray #2 (Sweetie) look good and agree with Flav’s discriminating palate.
Tray #3 (Oyster)looks like chicken bite-lets, but it was made with love.
Tray #4 (New York), Tray #5 (Smiley), Tray #6 (Goldie) were all ok, but nothing special.
Tray #7 (Pumpkin) is not done. Flav heads to the potty and throws it right back up. At least Pumpkin knows her chicken is better than Hottie’s.
Tray #8 (Hottie) looks much like the cook, a hot, raw mess. I swear that thing had eyes on it. That girl is a nutjob, and the fattest vegetarian I’ve ever seen!

It’s a showdown Hoopz and Sweetie, but ultimately, Hoopz wins the date with Flav and Momma Flav! She’s ecstatic. They go to a soul food restaurant. Hoopz and Momma Flav hit it off. Momma says Hoopz is loving and has a wonderful personality. Good think because Hoopz is my #2 pick – I’m still a Goldie fan through and through.

Clock time! Flav’s gotta cut one lady, and he knows right away who it will be.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

As usual, the women are nervous about elimination. Sweetie thinks that Hottie is on her way out because of the raw chicken.

Who knows what time it is?

Pumpkin – she apologizes about the chicken.
Red Oyster – she made it through, but she still has to room with Hottie. Poor thing.
Hoopz – she’s happy to be part of the final 7.
New York – she wasn’t surprised, but she was glad she didn’t have to wait to get her clock from her man. Oh Jesus, help me.
Goldie – g’on big country! Gotta love a girl from NC (especially Goldie and me, Foxxxy)!!
Smiley – she never got her date, but she’s still in the running.
Hottie – Nobody clapped for her. Maybe it was that spaceship dress with the cutouts on the side with her fat thrusting through the holes. Or, maybe it was her chicken. Hmmm.

So Sweetie’s gotta go. Flav thought she wasn’t feelin him and that she wasn’t real.

She’s not feeling him? Is this a joke? Apparently not to Sweetie. She unleashes her wrath. She cooked chicken for him despite her chicken-phobia. She waited up at night for her whack date. This is all true, but she didn’t stop there. She notes that Flav is a reflection of the company he keeps, and judging from what’s left in the house, he must not be feelin himself! BAM! She’s right again. Look at who’s left. 2 girls who were so stupid that they couldn’t figure out how to cook chicken, an instigator who might actually be a man, a gold-digging narcissist with ill-fitting clothes, and a dirty rat. I can’t disagree with Sweetie, but girl, GET A GRIP! It’s Flavor Fuckin Flav, not Morris Chestnut!

Flav and the girls are shocked as no one expected that kind of tirade from Sweetie. Flav responds in a suprisingly appropriate manner. “Hottie, I’m just not feelin you. Your time is up!” Well said, Flav. The remaining 7 toast to Flav while he pours out a little for Sweetie.

Why do Homosexuals like to use me as their dates?

2006-01-20T17:43:00.000-07:00

Tonite, I will go as Isa's "beard" on the Phoenix Lesbo Tour. Well, i guess most lesbians don't have beards. They do grow a lot of hair in other places.

EDIT

Tonite, I will go as Isa's "faint but noticeable mustache" on the Phoenix Lesbo Tour. Nevermind that a whole bunch of REAL lesbians are going and she could simply just use one of them to Pussy-Block. Also, nevermind that I'm bringing two dudes -Sharky and Romius - with me. This promises to be interesting.

For those of you who are actually in Phoenix, drop by and see us! Here's the announcement Isa posted below:

PHX LESBO TOUR 2006
(if you're reading this, duh, you're invited)
The PHX Lesbo Tour 2006 is on like donkey kong for this Friday, 1/20! The tour must start at the "lesbo" house - 1707 E. Broadmor - so arrive around 9pm but no later than 9:30pm. From the house, we'll hit:
The Cash
The Biz
Misty's
The E-Lounge
We should be at each stop around 30-45mins. We'll finish the night either at Hamburger Mary's or Amsterdam. Of course, all friends, straight or gay, are welcome. Don't forget to meet at the house first.

RIP Wilson Pickett

2006-01-19T16:03:00.000-07:00

Wilson Pickett reached fame for singing songs like Mustang Sally and I'm Gonna Wait til the Midnight Hour. Today, Pickett died of a hear attack at the age of 64, which isn't really that old in the scheme of things.

This would be the 2nd death of an R&B/Soul pioneer in the past few weeks (we lost Lou Rawls just a couple of weeks ago). It's sad to see the end of an era.

Wilson Pickett Dies of Hear Attack at 64.

To all the beautiful women I know who you won't see in magaiznes . . .

2006-01-19T14:00:00.000-07:00

I read this article and it's for all of us (including myself, despite my obvious perfection!).

'Blonde is beautiful' mystique

What a sorry Muthafucka will do to avoid paying child support:

2006-01-19T13:40:00.000-07:00

Fake his death! That's right folks.

Man faked death to avoid child support: Ultimate deadbeat dad' now owes more than $30,000 for two kids

I think we should all shout a collective BOOOOOOOO for Johnny Sterling Martin of Myrtle Beach. I sincerely hope that he burns in HELL.

Flavor of Love - Episode 3 Kinda Live Recap

2006-01-18T14:25:00.000-07:00

Sorry I've been slackin on my pimpin. I went to a wedding Sunday, so I missed Flav and I'm just getting around to watching the recording.

It's a beautiful morning at the macadocious mansion, and some of the ladies are sitting outside discussing what they would do for real love. Hottie chimes in that she would do what she gotta to do to win, including "going through people's luggage" and "cutting up clothes." WOW. Now that's love!

Cut to the dining room and the newest Flavor-gram. Flav wants to take Sweetie, Peaches, New York, Hottie, and Red Oyster for a date to meet some "old friends" of his. At the end, he'll choose one lady for some one-on-one time. They ladies squeal with excitement, but really, what for? I mean, don't they see what's coming from a mile away?

The ladies frantically get dressed with hopes of meeting the likes of Bill Clinton, Madonna, and Public Enemy. Now, I completely understand PE, but Bill Clinton and Madonna? Are these broads on crack?

The ladies line up at the bottom of the stairs. At this point, we get our first peek at their outfits. GOOD GOD! I think my eyes just cracked. Let's go down the line, shall we (thank the Lord for pause and rewind!)?

New York (aka Check the Neck): She has on a halter top exposing her droopy titties, and some knee-high boots. What? Now skirt or pants? Not that I can see.
Red Oyster (aka Dirty Rat): She's wearing a mermaid-neck dress in red, of course.
Peachez (aka white chick): She looks like a broke down rocker chick in a little mid-drift shirt showing off her lack of titties (at least they're not droopy), some black pants, and some Dock Martin-ish shoes.
Sweetie (aka, aw hell, she's so boring that she doesn't deserve a nickname): But she does have on the most disastrous outfit. She's rockin a camouflage top with her boobies bubbling out. But that's the classy part. Her bottoms are camouflage too, but one leg is long and the other is short (ya'll remember that out fit that Cat had on in the Prince and Sheena Easton video for You've Got the Look?). Then this bitch has the nerve to have on some silvery sandals. Tisk tisk!
Hottie (aka Hot Mess): Hottie's horrible outfit comes in a close second to Sweetie's. She's got on one of those played out jersey dresses from about 4 seasons ago, but this one is asymmetrical and off the shoulder with one long sleeve. Then that bitch has the nerve to had a draw string at the bottom to make the dress shorter so that I have to look at more of those ham hocks she calls thighs. GROSS!

Flav walks down the stairs. Does anyone else think Bobby Brown will look like Flav in a few years time? Anyway, the ladies get into the limo, and off they go . . . and pull up to a senior center. Ahhh, "OLD FRIENDS!" Flav tells the ladies to rub his elderly friends the right way, so that later he can rub the ladies the right way (If Johnny Gill were dead - and we don't rightly know that he isn't - he'd be rolling over in his grave right now). Flav needs a woman that can take care of him in his senior years. So, the ladies roll out of the limo and Flav give New York an affectionate smack on the arse. Let the fun begin!

The ladies walk into the center and almost immediately regret their wardrobe choices (They should've rethought that garbage anyway because they all looked like trash). So, they play with the old folks. Crusty-foot Grandma puts her feet up and asks the ladies to lotion them. YUCKO! Granny Gums wants New York to put in her dentures. New York throws up in her mouth a little bit, then goes outside to smoke. She gets caught by Flav, but she just doesn't care. I don't half blame her. When Granny Gums asks Sweetie the same favor, she gladly obliges. She's a trooper, but, in the infamous words of Whitney Houston, HEYALL TO THE NAW!

COMMERCIAL INTERLUDE

The ladies complete the challenge and walk out of the Center. Flav decides that he's gonna take Sweetie on a private dinner because she came through with the dentures. She's a champ, so Flav is gonna take her to a romantic spot. Well, seeing his old friends makes me think that the spot isn't gonna be quite so romantic. This could either be one of 2 things. Flav could take Sweetie to my favorite Scottish restaurant, McDonald's OR this could turn into Fear Factor. Either way, I feel sad for Sweetie because now she's gotta be alone with that imp.

Back at the house, Pumpkin and Hoopz are lookin at pics of Serious. They think Serious is there for career exposure. Hmmmm. I know Pumpkin won't get too much exposure for her substoot teechr/cheerleading coach/hypnotist assistant careers, but last time I checked, Hoopz is a model too (CLICK HERE).

Anyhoo, Sweetie gets ready for her din-din with Flav. she even sprays a lil perfume on her crotch for good luck (oh ladies, don't act like you don't do it too!). She walks down the stairs to meet Flav, who's dressed in a came colored shirt and pants (I know he's almost a medical midget, but do his clothes have to make him look so small?). They're off to his favorite romantic spot. They pull up to RED LOBSTER. That's right folks. RED LOBSTER! Flav says it was always an elegant place until it got too popular. Lemme repeat that for ya. It was always an elegant place until it got too popular. I know. My brain hurts too.

The two toast with some red wine, likely the house Chablis (and that's pronounced sha-blee for those of you that's aren't sophisticated enough to dine at Red Lobster). What in the hell? Flav eats like a pig, or in his case, a piglet. I love lobster, but somehow, I just lost my appetite. So did Sweetie.

Meanwhile, the ladies at the house are picking on Pumpkin for being so damn white. So, to de-whiten her, they teach her how to dance? I know. Makes little sense to me too, but what is a television show featuring black people without some shuckin and jivin? Suffice it to say that no amount of black-girl-dancing lessons was gonna help Pumpkin, who thought OG stood for Olive Garden (hell, that would've even been a better choice than Red Lobster).

An speaking of restaurants, back to the Red Lobster where Flav tells the waitress that Sweetie is his dessert and "it don't hurt to flirt with dessert. Ask Captain Kirk." Hmmm. Is it any wonder why Chuck D did most of the rappin and Flav was just the hype man?

Sweetie can tell where this conversation is about to go and replies "Beam me up Scotty." Girl, there is no help for you now! Flav then asks how long it would take to taste Sweetie's mouth. Well, if he'd tried, her mouth would've tasted like vomit because the look on her face tells me she was just about to blow chunks. I even threw up in my mouth a little bit. In good girl fashion, Sweetie tells Flav that she's not that girl and would not kiss him for several more weeks. [Insert sigh of relief here]. Flav is a little disheartened because he likes girls that are a challenge, but he also likes easy girls. OK.

So, as they leave Red Lobster, Sweetie tells the camera that she's actually attracted to Flav (cough *BULLSHIT* cough). Flav says that Sweetie is indeed a sweetie, but probably a little too sweet for the game.

Back at the crib, New York is starting a fight . . . again. Apparently, her jacket is missing and she thinks Hottie stole it. Well, Hottie did say she would go through luggage and cut up clothes, so she's the most obvious suspect.

The ladies go to Hottie's room to watch the confrontation, but Hottie denies taking New York's jacket. I don't think she took it. If she did, she'd admit it because she's just that crazy. New York waxes poetic about how she's a bitch to the core and a wolf, but Hottie is worse because she smiles in people's faces and is a wolf in sheep's clothing. WOW. New York does look like a wolf, huh? In response, Hottie says that everyone is jealous because people say she reminds them of Beyonce! Lemme repeat. Hottie thinks she looks like Beyonce. OK, are we back on track? Good. New York says Hottie looks more like Luther Vandross. This is where I must disagree because New York is dead wrong. Hottie does NOT look as good as Luther, may he rest in peace (Now, Luther and Johnny Gill are rolling over).

MORE COMMERCIALS

Picture Hottie doing something that looks like Yoga or Tai Chi. Goldie (my absolute favorite) comments that Hottie is "2 chocolate chips short of a cookie." BWAAAAAAHHHHHH! I love that girl!

2nd Flavor-Gram time. Today, Pumpkin, Goldie, Hoopz, Smiley and Serious get to go with Flav to throw a party for some of his buddies. At the end, Flav will choose one of the ladies for a private date. Also, 2 ladies will go home next elimination.

Of course, in New York fashion, she starts trippin, commenting that she thought she should be going and that she didn't want Flav to go without her. BITCH, you went on the first date. This group is for the ladies who DID NOT go on the first date. ARE YOU CRAZY? Oh wait, yeah she is. Anyway, she starts crying, convincing Red Oyster, the dirty rat, that she really is in love with Flav. Now, we know Oyster is a plant, but she can't be that stupid. Everything about New York is staged, like a drag queen from Paris is Burning.

Back to the ladies chosen for the date. This group looks much more sensible than the other, but that ain't sayin too much.

Smiley (aka HO): Barely has anything on. She's got a piece of cloth covering the hot spots, but it's ugly! She's the hot mess of this group.
Pumpkin (aka Substoot Teechr): She's got on a simple black asymmetrical strapless dress with a silver tie.
Hoopz (aka Hooker): She's got on a red skirt and a belly-baring tee.
Goldie (aka The One I Want to Win!): She's wearing a really pretty blue faux wrap dress. G'on Goldie! This is the best ensemble I've seen the entire show.
Serious (aka Dull Model): She's wearin a long black skirt and a jean halter top of which her boobies are threatening to pop out.

Meanwhile, New York is cryin to Flav about not being able to go on the date. The rest of the girls think she's nuts and fake. They're not wrong. Flav comforts her by smacking her ass. Joy.
The ladies and Flav load up in the limo and pull up to the park. They're about to play with the kids. I mean, Flav does have 6 now and wants 4 more. PAUSE. This negro wants 4 more. If you'll recall, he can't pay for the one's he already has. This is why our people will never rise up and overcome. UNPAUSE.

The ladies are running Lulu's birthday party. They've got a strict schedule to follow because Lulu's momma is a Nazi. Goldie says there's too much on the schedule, while Pumpkin isn't worried because she's a substoot teechr and cheerleading coach. Why do I have a feeling that we'll be hearing about this more than once? We'll count this as 1.

These kids are bad-asses. They're breaking raw eggs, jumpin all over the place, and one has a shitty diaper and he did not like Pumpkin. Smiley is being bossy. Goldie gets barfed on (but she's used to vomit). Serious face paints. In all, it looks like everyone is having a good time but Pumpkin.

Flav comes out and comments on each of the girls. Pumpkin's feelings get hurt because she's the most distant. She takes it personal because, she is after all a substoot teechr and cheerleading coach (that's 2). So who wins the mystery date? Stay tuned.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Looks like Serious is the winner because the kids liked her the most. Funny thing is Serious doesn't feel like she's good with kids. Better luck next time Goldie.

Back at the house, Sweetie talks to Hottie and Red Oyster about Flav's advances. Both ladies say that they would've done it to Flav if he'd asked them. Clearly, those two are in it to win it.
The date girls return and pumpkin is crying because she's a substoot teechr and cheerleading coach (that's 3) and Flav told her she sucked! Peachez tells Pumpkin to talk to Flav before he makes the elimination.

In another room, New York asks Serious if she's ok. Apparently, Hoopz takes that as a sign that New York is tryin to start something. Both of them are clearly nuts. New York's message to Hoopz is that she's gonna claw her way to Flav's heart because he's just amazing and that's her man. ICK!

Serious and Flav leave for their date - a dinner in the backyard. This time Flav has on a white and black pinstriped suit and a hat. He still looks like a midget in a grown man's suit. Serious is wearing what she calls a dress. I wouldn't though.

So, they start conversing about whether or not Serious finds Flav, a 46-year-old man attractive. She lies and says yes (but I guess she's gotta if she wants to win). Meanwhile, Red Oyster is spying on their date. She also thinks Serious is there to further her modeling career. Dayum Oyster is a rat. Well, I don't think Flav is feeling Serious is sincere, so they end their date and he walks her to her bedroom.

Flav wants to vibe with Pumpkin. She tells him that she's a substoot teechr and cheerleading coach (that's 4), and that his comments about the challenge hurt her. So, to prove how good she is with kids, she kisses Flav. YUCK!

Red Oyster, the dirty rat, goes straight to Flav and tells him that she thinks Serious is insincere. Flav agrees, and the two part ways. Now, it's clock time!

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Flav has to choose 2 girls to leave. All of the girls are nervous. Goldie is "skird!" Did I mention that I want Goldie to win? Well, who knows what time it is?

Red Oyster - they've got a connection. She's his rat.
Sweetie - even though she didn't put out.
Pumpkin - that kiss worked for her.
Smiley - I have no clue why, but she's still there.
Goldie - Yeeeuh!
Hottie - no one ever claps for her. She's a gold digger, but which one of these chicks isn't?
New York - cryin works every time, although I'm sure Red Oyster has been advocating for her, too.
Hoopz - she's the cutest one, so of course he's gonna keep her.

That means time is up for Serious and Peachez. Pity pity. In their parting words, here's what the 2 said.

Serious, who was crying, thought she felt a connection, but was feeling misunderstood. Flav is an intellectual and she loves that. Also, she's gonna like him all the way back to Atlanta. All the way back to Atlanta, huh? Now that's love!
Peachez is so sad because Flav is truly connected and speaks from a higher power and says so many inspirational things.

Are these bitches crazy? Well, of course they are. They wanna marry FLAVOR FLAV!!!!