I Made a Deal With GOD

I recently took the bar exam. It was a traumatic experience. The day before the bar, I sat in my hotel room and in front of my sister and my good friend D, I folded my hands and prayed "GOD, please let there be NO Landlord Tenant Act essays, as clearly, I know jack about it." As I prayed, we all heard a single roll of thunder. Oh Hell! As my sister and D laughed, knowing exactly what the thunder meant, I cried out "Lord, why hast thou forsaken me????"

The thunder was a sign that I needed to sweeten the deal for GOD because clearly, he'd done so much for me and all I'd done was, well . . . pray for more stuff. So I got down on my knees, holding my arms up to the air and said "GOD, I promise to go to church if you just help me out, please!!!!"

Now, I'm not opposed to going to church in theory. Everyone knows that I enjoy listening to a good choir or a powerful sermon. However, I live in Arizona. I'm also black and Baptist. There are some Baptist churches out here, but they SUCK!!! I mean, I moved here from the freakin Bible Belt where all pastor's could preach and all choirs sound like they've professionally recorded. Black churches in Arizona are a different species to which I do NOT relate.

So, I woke up this morning preparing to go the gym, but I then remembered the deal I made with GOD. My sister also kindly reminded me that I don't get my bar results until October, so I need all the help I can get in the meantime. Hence, I found myself putting on my Sunday best (I looked mighty fly if I say so myself) and heading out the Mt. Olive Missionary Baptist.

I wouldn't be me if I weren't 20 minutes late. I walked in for the last devotional song and was forced to sit in the 2nd row behind the sleeping decons and ladies in white hats. Oh good grief. It was gonna be a long morning.

Of course, I made it just in time for the 1st offering. My sister says "Girl, you got some money? I forgot mine." I laughed and said "you have to have some to forget it!" I took out some cash and we put it in the plate. Then it was time for the choir's first selection.

Allow me to digress for a moment. Both of my parents sing in the choir. My mother has the voice of an angel. My dad has the voice of an angel's back-up singer. The rest of the choir, however, is not so fortunate. They stink! I can say this only because I've sang with them and taught them a few songs in the past.

So, my sister and I brace ourselves for the impending comic relief that is the choir. They passed the mic to Sister Ernestine. First, let me say that Sister E is an amazing cook. Now that I've said something nice, let's get to the nitty gritty. Is it inappropriate to laugh out loud at a singer in church? I don't think it is, but somehow, that didn't stop me this morning. From first note to last, Sister E was good and TERRIBLE. I looked at my mother in the choirstand and she laughed back at me. That's a real shame.

The rest of the service dragged on and before I knew it, we'd been there for 1.5 hours and still hadn't gotten to the sermon. My sister looked at me and said "let's roll out!" I said "we haven't gotten to the sermon yet." She said "Girl, it's gonna be long and boring. Let's go." She then promptly text messaged my father sitting in the choir stand "Me and chris are leaving. Bye." Then this heiffer was holding her phone up in the air (in plain view of everyone in the church), pointing to it trying to get my father's attention. My family is bourgie, but sometimes we are so damn GHETTO!

So just before Pastor took the pullpit, my sister and I stood up and walked out of the church. I wonder if half a church visit counts toward my deal with GOD?