Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Barack Obama: The Drawing Board

This is my good friend Wyatt, a stand up comic and actor. He actually does kinda look like Obama. Scary!

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

The Devil & Virgil Goode . . .

Sometime today, buried beneath the Pres. Ford funeral coverage and the 200th story about Britney Spears’ shaved coochie, there will be a story about Keith Ellison being sworn in as the 1st Muslim elected to the House of Representatives. This should be a proud moment for Americans because it truly serves a testament to principles of religious freedom and diversity – things that as Americans we supposedly hold near to our hearts (emphasis on the supposedly – I’m still a cynic afterall). Right?

Well, not according to Rep. Virgil Goode (R-Va)! He no likeys the Muslims. And apparently, he really no likeys the fact that Keith Ellison has chosen to take his swearing in picture holding a copy of the Quran.

Actually, what he said was:

“If American citizens don't wake up and adopt the Virgil Goode position on immigration there will likely be many more Muslims elected to office and demanding the use of the Quran."


Let’s forget the fact that no one is actually sworn in using the Bible. Let’s even forget about all that religious freedom and diversity stuff. Instead, let’s talk about immigration for a second.

I agree with Rep. Goode in one respect. Our immigration policy is horrible and could sure use a good fixin’. However, I’m still unsure how Rep. Ellison taking a promotional swearing-in photo using the Quran has ANYTHING TO DO WITH IMMIGRATION POLICY.

In every article I’ve read, each writer attempts to point out the flaws in Rep. Goode’s email by touting how immigration creates diversity. But each article (and I mean each and every one of ‘em) completely ignores one obvious fact:

Last time I checked, Keith Ellison, like Bruce Springsteen, was BORN IN THE USA! This man IS NOT an immigrant. He was born in Motown for Christ’s sake.

So, instead of assuming that Rep. Goode’s email actually had a valid point and attempting to deconstruct it, I’m gonna call a spade a spade (I think that’s racist) and say this:

Dear Rep. Goode,

You are a freakin’ idiot! Rep. Keith Ellison is Muslim. He is also a natural born citizen of the United States of America, as are million of Muslims. I know this may shock you, but it looks like we don’t have to import Muslims from other countries because they are here and have been here for a while. Actually, I heard that they are all out to get you. Be afraid. Be very afraid.


P.S. If more of those illegals come cross the border and start runnin’ for office (cuz that’s exactly what illegals do), then I say we protest the use of the Bible because those pesky Mexicans are Catholic. That should stop ‘em!

Friday, December 15, 2006

Why My Life SUX: by Foxxxy Love

I spent a week and a half with a face so swollen that I looked like Jabba the Hut. I did, however, get skinnylicious from the forced moratorium on solid foods. So, I guess it wasn't that bad.

Sharky had a momentary lapse in judgment and thought he could actually live without me. Well, he ended crawling back defeated, trying to bask in the glow that is Foxxxy once more. So that ain't so bad either.

But here's the kicker.

My car got stolen last night while I was shakin' my slightly smaller black ass at the company Christmas party. The Grinch clearly visited a lil early this year by stealling my car before Christmas! Fucker!

I'm not dead. I'm no longer sick. I have my family and friends. I'm nice. I'm smart. I'm cute. So why has this been the shittiest 3 weeks? Can anyone tell me? Please?

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Eddie, what are you doing?

First, you get a divorce from your beautiful loving wife. Then you take up with Scary Spice. Now you dump her for Babyface's leftovers and claim that the Scary baby isn't yours? SHAME ON YOU - not just for the baby, but for all of the above. You were much more loveable when you were into trannies like Micahel Jackson (although I'm not sure it hasn't been proven that Scary Spice is actually a man).

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

You're not supposed to light a match near gas!

Ok. I admit it. I fart. I'm human. We all do it. But, do we light a match on an airplane afterward? I think not. Well, some yokel from Nashville decided that a lady must cover the scent of her poot with a lighted match . . . on a plane! Read on . . .

NASHVILLE, Tenn. - It is considered polite to light a match after passing gas. Not while on a plane.

An American Airlines flight was forced to make an emergency landing Monday morning after a passenger lit a match to disguise the scent of flatulence, authorities said.

The Dallas-bound flight was diverted to Nashville after several passengers reported smelling burning sulfur from the matches, said Lynne Lowrance, spokeswoman for the Nashville International Airport Authority. All 99 passengers and five crew members were taken off and screened while the plane was searched and luggage was screened.

The FBI' questioned a passenger who admitted she struck the matches in an attempt to conceal a "body odor," Lowrance said. She had an unspecified medical condition, authorities said.

"It's humorous in a way but you feel sorry for the individual, as well," she said. "It's unusual that someone would go to those measures to cover it up."

The flight took off again, but the woman was not allowed back on the plane. The woman, who was not identified, was not charged in the incident.

Dayum. Did it stank that bad that she had to light a match on a plane? I guess she thought so. It's pretty bad when you can smell yourself. Right Romius (tee hee hee)? Maybe planes should now include "No Farting" signs too.

Maybe it's just me being sick . . .

but I was really upset today when rescuers found the body of James Kim, the father who'd been missing in the Oregon snow for more than a week. Kim's self-sacrafice for the love of his family should be celebrated. I will keep his family in my prayers (if God listens as I have been a blasphemer of late).

Take a look at this CNet article and slide show.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

A Little Nighttime Blasphemy!

So, I got my tooth pulled this afternoon.

Cue the violins . . .

Because I have a prolapsed mitral valve (which means I've got a broken heart for realz) and an infection, I had to take 6 pills and 1.5 tsps of a nasty antibiotic before my visit. I've also got a swollen gland which won't allow me to open my mouth or swallow very well, so I had to crush the pills to take them. Anyone who's had to take crushed pills know that they taste like POISON, or at least what I imagine poison would taste like as I don't think I've ever ingested poison before. To top it all off, I haven't eaten food in about 5 days, so the pills just make me want to vomit because there is nothing on my stomach.

Anyway . . .

My mom sat with me as I took my first yummy spoonful of medicine sans sugar (she's my momma, not Mary Poppins). After I gulped, I prayed "Jesus, please let these pills stay down. Lord, why hast thou forsaken me?" My mom laughed as she said "this is what you get for not going to church more."

Then she asked, "Have you accepted Jesus as your personal savior?"

This is a funny question coming from my mom. I mean, she's religious (hell, she's the pres-o-dent of her church choir and my dad is a trustee), but that sounded downright Fox News-ish, and that she ain't.

Ever the smartass, I said "Sure I have. You don't know nothing 'bout me n Jesus. I try to lead a Christ-like life everyday."

"How so?" she asked.

I thunk and thunk. This is the best I could come up with: "Well, I like to party just like Jesus did. I mean, he did turn that water into wine."

People, these are the effects of Vicodin. It clearly makes you a retard! Nite.

Fergalicious? HELL TO THE NAW!

For those of you who know me, you know that I have an extensive list of things I hate because, let's face it, I'm a hater. Atop my list is Fergie. I HATE THAT BITCH! And last night's Billboard Awards is a prime example of why I want to punch that bitch in the face (Thanks Samario). I know she has a solo album out, and for the most part, I've ignored it because, well, I hate her and think that she ruined the once-legit group that was the Black-Eyed Peas with her her non-existent "lady lumps" and that manish face reconstructed after years of meth binging.

The funny thing is, I used to like her when I was little and she was on Kids Incorporated. I thought she could sing. So imagine my suprise when I saw lil Stacey shakin her boney ass and tryin to rap with the Peas. I was disgusted. Imagine my even bigger suprise when I heard the singing on this clip. Dayum girl. Meth got your tongue? And look at her attempting to move in those too high heels. She can barely shake anything for fear that she might fall on her face, thus cracking her veneers and bridge she had to get when the meth rotted all her teeth out. Now that wouldn't be pretty.

What makes the whole thing even worse is that she's tryin to bite of Supersonic by J.J. Fad. That's not a bad choice for a throwback, which makes me even angrier cuz that ho Fergie don' messed up Supersonic!!! And let's not talk about Will.i.am. He's on the list too, but that's another post entirely.

So before I get angry, watch the clip and judge for yourself.

SIDENOTE: Wassup with white chicks tryin to rap in general? Gwen Steffani got up and rapped last night too. I'm usually an equal opportunity hater, and trust me, Gwen is no rapper either, but I like her in general, so I won't hate on her as much as Fergie. But Gwen, back away from the mic (but don't bump the turntables) and let the real rappers handle it. K? You just go back to singing about how you're "just a girl" or about the "spiderwebs" and tell Pharell, who is also rap-impared , to stop allowing you to desecrate a sacred artform.

Monday, December 04, 2006

Weight Loss the "Ana" Way!

I've lost 7 lbs in 5 days. Ask me how! Ask me how!


So, I'm sick and I haven't been able to eat anything but broth (yum) and baby food (double yum). I don't understand why I haven't gained weight on such fine cuisine. Anyhoo, the lack of fried cheesy meaty stuff (or anything else) has made me 7 lbs lighter. Am I happy about this?

Sure I am. Isn't anorexia the American way? You know how much of a patriot I am.

My family had juicy steak, potatoes and green beans last night. Ask me what I had! Ask me what I had!

Beechnut stage 1 apple sauce, 500mgs of vicodin, 750mgs of some anti-inflammatant that I cannot spell, and 1.5 tsps of Augmentin (antibiotic). Mmmm. Can't you just taste the yummy goodness? To make it even better, I got to take all my pills crushed and diluted in tea. Mmmm. I love the tast of medicine. I don't understand why I haven't been eating (or not eating) like this all my life!

Ok, so I'm all done being sarcastic. Actually, I'm just FUCKING PISSED that I can't eat. I'm hungry!!!!! I'm actually having hunger pangs. And if I have to swallow one more spoonful of broth, I'm just gonna try to choke on it to end my miserable existence! Y'all know can get downright bitchy when I don't eat (and when I do eat).

I don't understand how these bitches with eating disorders can do this. I'm absolutely miserable. Skinnier, but miserable. If I had the choice between actual food and 7lbs of weight loss, I'd take the food hands down - and its not like I couldn't stand to lose about 10 more.