Tuesday, August 30, 2005

And in breaking news . . .

College dorms home to bigger beds . . . and thank goodness. It was way too hard to bang on the skinny ones. Don't act like you don't remember!

Shhhhut The Fuck Up!

I hate it when bitches sit next to me and my posse (aka the Not So 2 Live Crew) in the movie theatre and shhhhh us the whole time. It only makes me want to talk louder and laugh harder.

If you can't take it when I laugh in a horror movie because it's horror-ble, then perhaps you should end the anorexia diet you've cherished for years and consume some fiber because that will remove that shit log that's stuck up your ass! If my whispering is ruing the entire movie for you, you should likely consider that the movie itself ruined your experience because it sucked so tremendously that I couldn't help talking to stave off my boredom! In fact, I'm more entertaining than the movie bitch, so pay attention to me!

Look, you little bitch with your played out stack flip flops and short ruffle skirt with your belly fat hangin out - if you require complete silence while watching a movie in public, then maybe you should reconsider the public thing. The whole point of watching movies in theatres is for the audience interaction and response. If you don't like it, keep your oompa loompa fake tanned ass at home and wait for the DVD! Meanwhile, leave the rest of us to enjoy our moviegoing experience.

Sunday, August 28, 2005

So Yesterday!

Why on God's green earth does Hilary Duff have a greatest hits album? Why does it have 4 NEW TRACKS that are NOT hits? Wait, what hits did she have in the firts place? Does this annoy anyone else?

Friday, August 26, 2005

The Pot Callin’ the Kettle Black – I mean African American!

So, some Australian loser named Rudy decided to call Molly a racist because she wrote about me and called me a “Black lawyer” and referred to herself as a “Jewish Girl.” In fact, now he’s not even sure he wants to come to the good old U S of A because we’re sooooooooo racists.

WELL STAY YOUR BITCH ASS IN AUSTRALIA! (Australia gets pink because they're clearly a bunch of pussies).

Is it really news that Americans are racist? After all, aren’t we the land of the smallpox blanket and the home of Kunta? (insert crack of slavemaster’s whip here) OUCH! I mean Toby?

But for fuck’s sake. An Australian tryin to grandstand offends even my jaded sensibilities. The only country MORE racist than America is Australia! An Australian sayin that Americans are more racist is like the Aryan Nation sayin that the KKK is more racist. Want proof? Let’s take a look, shall we Mates?

BW (before whitey), Australia was a lovely land inhabited by Aborginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples who lived traditional lifestyles and spoke hundreds of different languages. These peoples had amicable relationships with Asian and oceanic mariners and traders. Then came the white man.

After European contact, Australia became a penal colony for crazy white people who stole, raped, and pillaged. When the crazy white people were freed, they decided to become a nation and took all the land in the name of the crown.

Then they began killin up the indigenous people. Those they couldn't kill, they tried to assimilate by ripping children from their homes and sending them to live with white people. DOES ANY OF THIS SOUND FAMILIAR?

When the Aboriginal peoples wanted their land back, the Australian court system said NO because the white people were there first (terra nullius), which was obviously a complete LIE. The Australian "in"justice system kept perpetrating that lie until the 1992 in Mabo v. Queensland where the court acknowledged aboriginal title for the first time (but they still didn't give the land back). That was a full 169 years AFTER the US courts recognized aboriginal title!

Oh, but that was back in 1992. They can't still be big fat racists, can they? But, of course they can!!! In 2000, the UN called the Australian government's treatment of Aborigines "racist" and said that it "seems like a throwback to attitudes 30 years ago." That's right kiddies, 30 year throwback! They were still rockin dashikis 30 years ago. So, let me know when you guys catch up Rudy! K?

Rudy thinks that mentioning race makes you racist. I, and a whole bunch of critical race theorists would agree, that ignoring race doesn’t make you less racist. It just makes you RETARDED! (Actually, retarded is too nice of a word because special people don’t mean any harm. Rudy does.)

Just because we over here in America like to define ourselves any fuckin way we want doesn’t mean that we’re automatically more racist than you. It makes us race-conscious – something you Australians apparently are NOT. But what can one expect from a nation that produced such treasures as Yahoo Serious, Crocodile Dundee, and Kylie Minogue?

If Rudy bothered to actually read Molly’s piece, he’d note that she NEVER said that she wasn’t racist. In fact, most of the piece was about how she wasn’t as political as someone like myself or her sister. What she said was that she struggles with her feelings about race on a daily basis, especially as someone who could choose to ignore race, much like good old Rudy, if she chose. What makes Molly different is that she’s honest with herself and actually up to the challenge. She’s trying not to live in a world with blinders on.

So Rudy, I’m sure my rant has not penetrated your strong sense of superiority – the fact of which will neither make me sad nor lose sleep tonight. However, you might consider some introspection. What about Molly’s piece incensed you so? Could you be projecting? Are you jealous? Do you need me to be your Black friend too?

When you throw stones at glass houses . . . uhhhh . . . when you smut a kettle . . . mmmmm . . . Eureka, I’ve got it! When you throw a boomerang, be sure you move out the way before is knocks you in the ass, bitch. Is that Australian enough for ya?

No one would ever accuse me of being a patriot, but I can honestly say that Rudy's blog entry made me feel not so grossed out to be an American (that's all I can muster without throwing up).

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Brotha Please!!!!

Don't act like you haven't seen Rock Star: INXS.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Who Is Mike Jones?

On my way back home from dinner with 3/4ths of the Not So 2 Live Crew (we poured out some for you Nittles), I heard that Mike Jones song. You know the one that goes about how he wants a girl with a big behind? First, I thought to myself "Self, he's talkin about you. You've got a badunkadunk!!" Then I thought"Self, who is Mike Jones really?"

For those of you who don't know, Mike Jones is a rapper. He's famous right now, mainly because he made his name part of the chorus in his 1st song. (How many times can you say "I'm Mike Jones" in 3 minutes?) Also, he's bringing that horrible Chopped & Screwed stuff to the mainstream. Chopped & Screwed is a mix of music made famous by Houston favorite DJ Screw. Basically, the music is slowed down a lot, apparently to replicate what it would sound like if you were sippin on some syzurp. Syzurp is . . . oh fuck, go read a raptionary if you really wanna know!

So then I thought "Self, who the fuck cares who Mike Jones is? In fact, why isn't Common's song playin on the radio? Talib Kweli? Anyone good?"

Can anyone tell me why our airwaves have been taken over by the Mike Jones' of the world? I hate Mike Jones. I hate the people at Swishahouse that put out his record (and that goes for Paul Wall and Chingo Bling too). In fact, I hate most of the stuff I hear on the radio these days. If I hear 50 Cent one more time, I'm gonna scream!!! Yeah, I said it. What?

And lets not forget my favorite topic these days - Latinos tryin to rap and sing R&B. Go away Frankie J!!! MP Ridaz - why don't ya'll bitches crash? And just because Roger & Zapp did that funky synthesized voice thing back in the 70s and 80s does not make it throwback if you do it now (throwback means . . . stop bein so fuckin lame and watch a little BET)! Stick to your own stuff! You don't see black people tryin to be Selena (and no Palma, she was not the original singer of "On the Radio!!!"), so tell Frankie J that he is not the next coming of Luther. No Es Amor is no es the jam (Palma, sorry for bastarding your language again)!

So, I've decided that I cannot take another minute. I'm hightailin it over to Circuit City and buying a Sirius radio so I won't ever have to listen to commercial radio ever again!!! Who's with me?

The Moment We've All Been Waiting For

Thursday marks a day that will live in television infamy. . . A day like no other for our generation . . A day where for 1 hour, the entire nation will hold it's collective breath.

That's right kiddies. Thursday is the season finale of Being Bobby Brown.

I didn't plan to do television recaps in my blog, but I admittedly cannot wait to do it. Please stay tuned!!!

Sunday, August 21, 2005

Ok, Molly's Back on Top

In the competition to be my best white friend, Molly just went back to #1. Check out her wonderful post about ME (and there's some other stuff in there too) - Ode to Politicos (of which I'm not). Can you believe that a commentor had the nerve to call me "a mouth black chick?" He or she clearly does not know me. I am "THE mouthy black chick" and don't you forget it, ass-wad.

Tommy Lee has a Big PENIS!!!

I watched bits and pieces of Tommy Lee Goes to College last night. Here's what I learned:
  1. Tommy Lee is so old that he has his own show on VH1.
  2. Apparently, I'm just as old because I'm sitting here watching his show on VH1.
  3. Drumming for the marching band is quite different than drumming for Motley Crue, but did they have to make him try out?
  4. Kids today don't know Motley Crue, but they know the video. Tommy has a big dick.
  5. I never listened to Motley Crue either, but Tommy has a big dick.
  6. Tommy Lee isn't actually that big of a tard, and he sure does have a big dick. I saw the video too.
  7. During the commercial break, I decided to see The Exorcism of Emily Rose. It has nothing to do with Tommy's dick.
  8. Tommy has some shitty classes. Who actually has to take Horticulture?
  9. Tommy's tutor is cute, blonde, smart, and SUCKS as a tutor. Maybe she'll get to see his dick.
  10. Tommy Lee has a big dick.

I'm glad that I still learn from watching tv! But now I must digress. I have about $50,000 in loans for Law School. Why come Tommy get's to go to school for free? I mean, they coulda strapped a camera on my head for a tuition waiver!! Oh well, I guess I'll continue to watch Tuesdays on NBC to see if Tommy's college experience is any more interesting than mine.

Philosophical Smothering Does NOT Require a Pillow Over the Face

Before I decided to start bloggin, I said there were 2 things I'd NEVER write about - (1) my job and (2) my men. But the conversation I had the other night was so interesting that I thought I'd share (it's clearly a slow news week).
So my ex, the Card Shark, and I have been communicating lately. In fact, he took me out for a fancy schmancy dinner and asked if we could be "friends." I told him no, but of course I didn't mean it. I'm friends with just about every ex I have (except for the one that married a girl that I thought was my friend, but that would be a story for my therapist if I had one).
Sure, we can be friends - one day. We just can't be friends right now. It's only been a couple of months and he was a jerk about our break-up (although he'll swear up and down that he wasn't). Lemme rephrase. The Card Shark isn't a bad guy. He's just a fucking idiot!
So, when he called me the other night and I was into my 2nd glass of wine, I thought I'd get a few things off of my chest. I told him, again, that we couldn't be friends (and I meant it that time). Then, he said something that made me laugh. It went a little something like this:
Shark: Foxxxy, I just can't be in a relationship right now. It has nothing to do with you. It's just where I am in my life. I felt smothered.
Foxxxy: Smothered? By me? You're the one who dragged me everywhere you went. I didn't smother you. You smothered yourself.
Shark: It was more philosophical.
Foxxxy: You were philosophically smothered? And how exactly does that happen? Nevermind.
I'll give the manchild one thing. He's awfully creative. Instead of saying "I'm a big fat commitment-phobe with no purpose in life except poker, Red Bull, and 3 packs a day," he broke bad with the philosophical smothering. After I stopped be furious, I let out a sinister laugh. My evil plan worked. I'd infiltrated his mind! Seriously, only he could turn his issues with commitment into my fault. Too bad i'd go to jail for a physical smothering.
I don't see friendship with the Card Shark in the near future, mainly because I don't want to interfere with his poker schedule. Actually, if you can believe it, there are people on the planet that prefer my company over poker every single day of the week (they don't call me Foxxxy for nothin). I think Card Shark did for a while too, but all that philosophical smothering brought that to an end. Shame on me? No, shame on him! I'm way funner than poker.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

To all the White girls I know: You've been replaced by Jezebel as my new best "short" friend!!!

Before I post the brilliant piece that Jezebel wrote, I'll explain the "short" comment. Picture it. Phoenix, 2005. I'm sitting at a dinner table with 4 Indians (feather, not dot) and a whole bunch of white folks. I'd had 2 glasses of wine and was feelin fine.

Foxxxy: Did you hear about Miguel? He knocked up his girl Tiny.
Rosey Palm: Who is she?
Foxxxy: Oh, she's some . . . (pregnant pause - no pun intended) . . . "short" girl?
Rosey Palm: Ok???

Mind you, I was sitting next to some heinous white dude and I couldn't very well say that Tiny was a skinny white chick in mixed company. Luckily, I was just sober enough to catch myself before I offended everyone to the right of me. Fortunately for me, my partner in crime, Nittlebit, caught on to what I meant. So, if you catch me saying "short," it really means "white."

Now onto Jez. I've decided that even though she's short, she's the kewlest shorty I know. Read this:

"What is it with our nation and damn white girls? It’s like they’re rare gold, diamonds, precious metal, we can’t even spare one period. The black girls around here get a blip on the media radar screen, usually a heartsick mother stricken and tear struck glaring into the intrusive camera lights. The white girls get parades, telethons, posters, rallies, gymnasiums bearing their names. Fuck, you’d think Elizabeth Smart is the only white girl to have ever been abducted by a crazy man accessorized in the latest fall collection of maniacal religious woodsman. Elizabeth Smart is Princess Abducted White Girl. Even her sister gets hour-long Dateline specials just for being in the room while she was abducted. All the other dead, abducted white girls are jealous of her notoriety. But everybody gets all upset even if it’s a poor crackhead, as long as she’s white. This 22 year old stripper living with a 65 year old money launderer gets shot in the head after the 65 year old decides his life is no longer worth living and therefore neither is hers. I have nothing against strippers, in fact I’ve really liked a few of them, but let’s face it. They aren’t national ambassadors of good will. All over the news people are trumpeting this girl’s absolute need to help people and care for them and she wasn’t fucking the 65-year-old man, she was helping him, and this was her undoing. Yes, the stripper was decked in her candy striper outfit the very day that she was shot in the head, but alas, she’s a dead white girl and we just can’t stand that. We’ll polish up a stripping heroin addict for the funeral pictures as long as she’s a white girl. Can’t fucking stand a dead white girl. It’s like the entire nation’s stock may be depleted by even one loss. Well, nice to know that I am such a precious metal."

Gosh, short people!

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

At least it wasn't the black one!

Go, go Power Rangers!

In critical race theory, Kimberle Crenshaw coined the term "Duality" to describe the struggle of a black female's gender and race sensibilities. A prime example is my own struggle with OJ. As a woman, I hated the bastard because he was a wife beater, but as a black person, I wanted him to get off because the American injustice system exists to enslave my people (that wasn't too militant for ya?).

So, imagine my surprise when I was combing through the headlines when i found an article about an ex Power Ranger involved in a murder plot. Now, as a pacifist and former law student, I don't like murder. As a black woman, I was sure hopin it wasn't the BLACK POWER RANGER. For your viewing pleasure, I bring to you "Diary of a Mad Black Woman, II."

One of the kids from the Power Rangers grew up and became a killer. Ooh, an innocent couple is swimming with the fishies. That's horrible.
Please don't let it be the black one! please don't let it be the black one!
Crips helped them carry out the crime. I deplore gang violence!
Dayum, it's the black one, ain't it. I'll bet he does a mean C-Walk.
Skylar Deleon. That's a very French sounding name.
That's a mighty white name. Or, it could be Creole. Who knows?
Let's do a quick IMDB search, shall we? I wonder what other talents he has?
Let's see if there's a picture. Then I'll know whether or not he's the brotha. Nothing. IMDB SUCKS!
Hmm. Let's try Google.
MUGSHOT! I mean, JACKPOT! Phewww! I knew it. White. . . I mean short people always be killin!

Read the story, Crips, anchors and all: Former child actor faces murder charge

Somebody Loves Me!!!

So, Gracey has a crush on me and I can't say I blame her. Kewl strangers who write nice stuff about me totally get a link! Check out Peace, Love & Other Stuff.

Monday, August 15, 2005

Is it problematic . . .

that the older I get, the more I actually agree with Louis Farrakhan? Check out snippets from this article!

Farrakhan: Mexican president was right
He says blacks don't want jobs that immigrants take

Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan said Mexican President Vicente Fox was right to say that Mexican immigrants take jobs "that not even blacks want."
. . .
Farrakhan said Sunday that blacks do not want to go to farms and pick fruit because they already "picked enough cotton." AMEN!
. . .
He said blacks and Latinos should form an alliance to correct differences and animosity between the two communities. Preach Brotha Farrakhan!

Farrakhan . . . was in Milwaukee to promote the Millions More Movement, which has scheduled a rally October 15 on the National Mall. The march is billed as a more inclusive successor to the Million Man March.

This time, organizers have encouraged women and gays to attend.

I like black people. I like gays. I like women (not in that way you big pervs). I also like swine. Guess we don't have that much in common.

Sad But True Story

Foxxxy: I'm goin to see Boyz II Men this weekend!!!
Sister: Who?
Foxxxy: Boyz II Men
Sister: They still tour? They ain't had a hit since . . .
Foxxxy: Don't hate! They're gonna be at Paradise Casino.
Sister: Word? Where's that?
Foxxxy: Uh . . . Yuma?
Sister: What's in Yuma?
Foxxxy: Boyz II Men. . . and I get to meet them too.
Sister: WOW! That woulda been so cool 10 years ago? You gonna bust out in your Cross Colors pants?
Foxxxy: How'd you guess? I've been workin on my "Runnin Man" all day.

Later that weekend . . . (imagine Boyz II Men singing in the background)

Foxxxy: They look kind of hot, and NOT in the good way!
Palma: Uh, didn't they used to have necks?
Claud: Yeah, I can smell the pleather from the stage, but Nate makes me wanna!!
Palma: Where's Bass?
Foxxxy: Ain't he got scholiosis. That cane wasn't just for decoration.
Claud: I heard he's in a wheelchair.
Foxxxy: Naw girl. He's just a little cripped, not pushin the wheels. I think he's got more of a limp.
Palma: Girl, I think Nate just winked at you.
Foxxxy: Not me. That was for Claud. A washed up pop start is still rich, right?
Claud: He was lookin at me?
Foxxxy: Too late. That 19-year-old who just put her one leg up and her booty on the floor got him.
Palma: Well, there's always Wanye.
Foxxxy: Why is he still that pleather coat? Doesn't he know that stuff chafes?

I would post the pics, but I must protect the identities of the innocent - and Wanye and his missing neck do NOT count.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Have YOU seen his childhood? Apparently NOT if you're either Female or over the age of 13.

Word on the street is that a few of the Michael Jackson jurors are having second thoughts about the acquittal. Well DUH!

Before I get good and started, let me say that I'm always down for the brown, and even though Molester . . . uh . . . I mean Michael left the race (Black and human) a while ago, I wanted him, along with all my people to be NOT GUILTY - not because they're actually innocent, but simply because the system is fucked. So, like a dayum fool, I sat on the couch with my sister and brother and cheered as every single NOT GUILTY count came in. Did the same for OJ although it was a little harder because he didn't make Thriller. Don't hate. It's the truth.

But did these fools actually think Michael was innocent? And how are they gonna be having second thoughts now? Are their 15 minutes about over?

Really, even my legally blind auntie could clear see that Michael liked to diddle little boys way back in the day. However, there wasn't enough proof to convict him. As I've repeatedly said, Mike's a molester! He just didn't molest THAT boy.

So if there wasn't enough physical or any other type of extrensic evidence (look ma, i done used a fancy law book word), there's clearly plenty of circumstantial evidence. It was inadmissible (no way was it gonna pass a 403 balancing test - that's for all my Barbri heads), but it's worth examining.

Let's look at some of the alleged victims, shall we:
  • Emmanuel Lewis: He's the boy of Mike's wet dreams. Webster NEVER grow up!
  • Macauley Culkin: Now doesn't he look like he's been touched inappropriately? Didn't he get arrested on a DUI or some drug charges recently. Apparently, he's s till hittin the Jesus Juice pretty hard!
  • Wade Robson: He's the one Mike moved from Australia to be a kiddie backup dancer. He's now choreographer to the likes of Britney and Justin. I guess he got ALL his moves from Mike.
  • Bubbles: I like monkeys, 'member? But I don't like that kind of monkey biz-nezzz!

And what about the song lyrics (the song titles themselves are telling):
  • Black or White: "If you're thinking 'bout bein my baby it don't matter if you're black or white." - this one featured Macauley in the video. Makes you wonder, huh?
  • I Can't Help It: "Helpless like a baby. Sensual disguise. I can't help but love you. It's getting better all the time. . . I can't help it, if I wanted to. I wouldn't help it even if I could." - this is one of my favorite songs by Mike, and now it creeps me out everytime I hear it.
  • PYT: "I want to love you - PYT - Pretty Young Thing." - hmmm.
  • Keep It In the Closet: "There's somethin about you baby, that makes me want to give it to you . . . Keep it in the closet!" - do I even need to go there?
  • Childhood: "People say I'm strange that way 'cause I love such elementary things . . . have you seen my childhood?" - this song refers to the many children who escaped from Neverland!

Clearly, this is enough evidence to convict anyone in Judge Mathis' court room. This, however, is the real criminal justice system and my strong evidence, which I might add is 10 times better than the shit the Prosecution put together, just doesn't fly, especially not in the judicious state of California (that's pronounced Caw-lee-4-nee-uh if you speak Arnold).

So, based on the shitty case, the jury acquitted, and now THEY feel guilty and angry? Well, I have a few words for these suckers. IT'S TOO LATE, BITCHES!!! If you wanna be mad about something, be mad that Tom Sneddon spent millions and million of your tax dollars putting together a case as thin as Lindsay Lohan after a stay in the hospital. Be incenced by the fact that you actually only got paid $12 a day to sit through weeks and weeks of boring bullshit. Be enraged because you all got upstaged by that grandma who's 15 minutes were up about 16 minutes ago. Then SHUT THE FUCK UP! Everyone on the planet is gonna read you crappy tell-all written by some 3rd rate hack and you're gonna be RICH BITCH while my witty black ass is gonna be sittin right here in Phoenix where the heat is sucking me dry and the monsoons are making me wet and NOT in the good way (I'm not bitter though). To assuage your guilt, buy that fucked up kid a new family and a pony, and leave Michael alone to create more crappy songs like "Stranger in Moscow" and "You Rock My World."

Monday, August 08, 2005

I like monkeys . . .

. . . but I sure hate Jessica Simpson!!!! Can that bitch just die? Ok, that was a bit harsh. But seriously, can't a car run over her big toe or something (no offense Palma!)? What about deflating her left boob? That's gotta be painful but not fatal, right? I'm so sick of seeing her goofy grin everywhere. The only thing worse is her sister Ashlee.
Why am I hatin so hard? Where does a sistah begin? Why don't I itemize for you?
  1. She can't sing. Yes, there are plenty of people who think she can. I'm sorry, but sounding better than Britney does NOT make you good. It makes you not tone-deaf. That girl screeches and breathes more than Paris Hilton in a sex tape. Why aren't actual talented people famous?
  2. She's got a man-jaw. I mean, it's not nearly as bad as Eva Chin-dez (that beotch has a witch profile. All she's missin is the mole. I swear she was gonna knock Will Smith over in Hitch), but DAYUM. It's square. It's got a big ole clef. Honestly, I've been checkin her neck. Can't you shave down an Adam's Apple?
  3. She's a fuckin idiot. She's cute, blonde, and more dense than an empty can of Chicken of the Sea. Why should she be revered for being vapid? People certainly don't admire her for her singing talents (as evidenced by sparse album sales and low tour turnout). People watch her because she's made having a head full of peroxide en vogue. I could almost buy the argument that she's playing to a type for marketing purposes, but is this really the type anyone should want to play? It's more sad than funny.
  4. She comes from a family full of idiots. Let's start with poppa Joe, the former youth pastor turned svengali. I think we all know that "youth pastor" is code for "in the closet" OR "Chester the Molester." I'd go with the molester. He's clearly obsessed with Jess's sex life and her tits. What's worse is that it doesn't seem to creep her out. It's just sick and wrong. Then there's sister Ashlee "pieces of me" Simpson. I think I hate her more than Jessica, but she clearly does not merit an entire blog entry, yet. All I have to say is ACID REFLUX. Did that excuse work for the Orange Bowl too? How about this Ashlee - BITCH YOU CAN'T SING!!! Finally, there's momma Tina (why do I know these people's names?). She's the one who was quoted as saying Jessica had a genius IQ. Yes, her daughter, who thinks Daisy Duke is "iconish" is a freakin genius. Well, every mother thinks their child is a genius (maybe), so that doesn't make Tina too much of an idiot. I guess I hate her because she married a perv and spawned two truly brain-dead children.
  5. She married Nick Lachey. He's an idiot too, don't get me wrong, but in the immortal words of my girl Melissa - he can get it! Note, this is the ONLY thing I'm jealous of.

I could go on and on, but unfortunately, my heart now hurts from having spent a whole 15 minutes writing about the twit. I could've been writing about Peter Jennings or John Johnson, but instead, because her stupid video is on the MTV loop (wtf is Willy Nelson thinking?), I got distracted.

Which brings me back to monkeys. They're cute. They're silly. They sing. They walk around naked. They even fuck their relatives. But even monkeys are smarter than Jessica Simpson. Hmmm, maybe I don't like monkeys so much anymore.

Sunday, August 07, 2005

Nittlebit in da hiz-ouse

One of my favorite NDNs, Rants with a Fist, has started bloggin. Check her out at The Natives Are Restless, but do so at your own risk. She has little tolerance for the white man.

I Made a Deal With GOD

I recently took the bar exam. It was a traumatic experience. The day before the bar, I sat in my hotel room and in front of my sister and my good friend D, I folded my hands and prayed "GOD, please let there be NO Landlord Tenant Act essays, as clearly, I know jack about it." As I prayed, we all heard a single roll of thunder. Oh Hell! As my sister and D laughed, knowing exactly what the thunder meant, I cried out "Lord, why hast thou forsaken me????"

The thunder was a sign that I needed to sweeten the deal for GOD because clearly, he'd done so much for me and all I'd done was, well . . . pray for more stuff. So I got down on my knees, holding my arms up to the air and said "GOD, I promise to go to church if you just help me out, please!!!!"
Now, I'm not opposed to going to church in theory. Everyone knows that I enjoy listening to a good choir or a powerful sermon. However, I live in Arizona. I'm also black and Baptist. There are some Baptist churches out here, but they SUCK!!! I mean, I moved here from the freakin Bible Belt where all pastor's could preach and all choirs sound like they've professionally recorded. Black churches in Arizona are a different species to which I do NOT relate.
So, I woke up this morning preparing to go the gym, but I then remembered the deal I made with GOD. My sister also kindly reminded me that I don't get my bar results until October, so I need all the help I can get in the meantime. Hence, I found myself putting on my Sunday best (I looked mighty fly if I say so myself) and heading out the Mt. Olive Missionary Baptist.
I wouldn't be me if I weren't 20 minutes late. I walked in for the last devotional song and was forced to sit in the 2nd row behind the sleeping decons and ladies in white hats. Oh good grief. It was gonna be a long morning.
Of course, I made it just in time for the 1st offering. My sister says "Girl, you got some money? I forgot mine." I laughed and said "you have to have some to forget it!" I took out some cash and we put it in the plate. Then it was time for the choir's first selection.
Allow me to digress for a moment. Both of my parents sing in the choir. My mother has the voice of an angel. My dad has the voice of an angel's back-up singer. The rest of the choir, however, is not so fortunate. They stink! I can say this only because I've sang with them and taught them a few songs in the past.
So, my sister and I brace ourselves for the impending comic relief that is the choir. They passed the mic to Sister Ernestine. First, let me say that Sister E is an amazing cook. Now that I've said something nice, let's get to the nitty gritty. Is it inappropriate to laugh out loud at a singer in church? I don't think it is, but somehow, that didn't stop me this morning. From first note to last, Sister E was good and TERRIBLE. I looked at my mother in the choirstand and she laughed back at me. That's a real shame.
The rest of the service dragged on and before I knew it, we'd been there for 1.5 hours and still hadn't gotten to the sermon. My sister looked at me and said "let's roll out!" I said "we haven't gotten to the sermon yet." She said "Girl, it's gonna be long and boring. Let's go." She then promptly text messaged my father sitting in the choir stand "Me and chris are leaving. Bye." Then this heiffer was holding her phone up in the air (in plain view of everyone in the church), pointing to it trying to get my father's attention. My family is bourgie, but sometimes we are so damn GHETTO!
So just before Pastor took the pullpit, my sister and I stood up and walked out of the church. I wonder if half a church visit counts toward my deal with GOD?

Saturday, August 06, 2005

I have a couple of fans . . .

. . . and my new favorite is Jezebel's Riot. Check out her name-appropriate blog - Jezebel's Riot.

Of course there are also the old and extremely good standbys. I've know Molly since we were both 7, so check her out at Molly's Blog. Romiustexis thinks she's way cooler than Shandee.

I'd like to thank the other folks who've ventured onto my page somehow (I hope that the 44 hits aren't from me). If you want a shoutout, just lemme know!

Friday, August 05, 2005

oh for fuck's sake!!!

In an unprecedented and might I add weak move, the NCAA decided to ban the use of Indian mascots at POST-season events. As for the rest of the season, the NCAA claimed it lacked authority to ban the use of such mascots by individual schools and noted that "what each institution decides to do is really its own business."
This is a lame move on so many levels. First, of course the NCAA has the authority to ban the use of offnesive macots. Duh. If they can do it during March Madness, they can certainly do it the rest of the freakin year. What are schools going to do if the NCAA says no games at your school unless you change your mascot? Are schools going to forego the revenue? Don't think so! Other schools, like St. Johns and Marquette simply changed their mascots. It didn't harm them in any way! Hell, my alma mater won the NCAA Basketball tournament this year (Go Heels!) and we did so without the use of an offensive mascot (unless there are some offended rams out there).
Next, the NCAA is going to allow individual schools to decide whether or not their mascot is offensive. HELLO!!! Poor decisions of the schools are the problem, NOT the solution. They see nothing wrong with exploiting and bastardizing Indian symbols and figures. If they did, they might've simply changed their names in the first place. Instead, they use that lame argument about honoring Indians. If that's the case, then why don't they pass some of that merchandise revenue to a local tribe that they love to honor so much? Don't see that happening. Lets not forget my other favorite argument - tradition. That's likely more accurate. Dominant society (aka white folks) have a long history of exploiting and stealing from people of color, traditionally speaking.
Oh, and here's the kicker. The NCAA isn't going to ban post-season games at offending schools. They're just going to make them cover up their logos at stadiums and on the player's uniforms. Hell, cheerleaders and bandmembers can still wear logos until 2008! So, basically, schools with offensive mascots get a little slap on the wrist but will continue to host post-season tournaments.
So what does all of this mean? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Thanks NCAA for contributing to the betterment of societ through sport and blatant RACISM!!!
Check out the article for yourself - NCAA Partially Bans Indian Mascots

Thursday, August 04, 2005

I know lotsa scary white guys . . .

. . . and my favorite is Romiustexis. Check out all 3 of his BRILLIANT (that's pronounced "bree-ont" in French) blogs.

Bathos For the Misanthropic

The Self Help Center

The Karl Marx Blog

Return of Nos Feratu

Only white people . . . Teacher Reprimanded for Licking Wounds

Of course, there was that rapper that ate that woman last year (and not in a good way), but at least he was on drugs. Hmmm.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Hey Kool-Aid!!!!

I Hate NOT Being an Angry Black Woman, mainly because people feel free to ask you the most stupid things. I'm seriously considering strapping a video camera to my forehead because you would not believe the things people say to me. Maybe I should consider a camera crew, but I don't want anyone to mistake me for a relative of Bobby Brown.

Here's the latest chapter in the Not So Angry Black Woman Chronicles. Today, I was running some errands and I started to chat with this white chick (some of my best friends are white, really, tee hee hee). We were line at the Starbucks and I ordered one of the Passion Iced Teas. The remainder of the conversation/tailspin went like so:

White Chick (WC): That tea reminds of me of cherry kool-aid.
Foxxxy: Really? It's a bit watered down for that, but OK. (I thought to myself, white people sure don't know how to make Kool-aid. Am I racist?)
WC: Do you mind if I ask you something?
Foxxxy: Uh? Sure. (I'm gonna regret this, aren't I?)
WC: I've always wanted to know this. Why do black people call kool-aid by the color instead of the flavor?
Foxxxy: Huh?
WC: You know. You call cherry "red" and grape "purple?"
Foxxxy: Ohhhhh. (this bitch clearly wants to get slapped). Well, black people are simply intellectually superior. I mean, on what planet does a grape taste like that?
WC: Ummmm. (i think she was afraid to answer. too bad that fear didn't enter her BEFORE she asked that dumb ass question).
Foxxxy: Exactly!

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

How Hard Can Finding a Name Be, Really?

All of a sudden I have some free time on my hands, so I figure I should start a Blog. Everyone else on the planet has one and I'm certainly not one to be outdone. I can write and in real life I'm frightfully witty. Blogging should be easy, right?


Leave it to a woman with 2 degrees and 11 letters in her first name to fuck up blogging before she even writes one word. I get to the first page which asks you to name your blog. I pause for all of 2 seconds before I think of the most clever title possible - a name that should only be reserved for me (not that I'm self-centered or anything like that). As soon as I click the "continue" button, i get a lovely little note saying that my name has already been taken. What bastard has my name??? Do you know that it actually took an additional 15 minutes to finally find a name that no one else has? What rat-bastard has my name?

So instead of spending those 15 minutes writing the meaningful intro that I'd originally planned, I'm pissed because it took me too damn long to find a name for my sucky blog. My wine is kicking in and now all I want to do is sleep. So this is how it begins. You'll take it and you'll like it, dammit!

What have I learned from this debacle? Clearly, I'm not nearly as clever as I thought I was. Nah! Fuck that. The real moral of the story is that I can ramble on about naming my blog and at least one person in the universe will actually take time to read about it. Sucker!