Wednesday, August 17, 2005

To all the White girls I know: You've been replaced by Jezebel as my new best "short" friend!!!

Before I post the brilliant piece that Jezebel wrote, I'll explain the "short" comment. Picture it. Phoenix, 2005. I'm sitting at a dinner table with 4 Indians (feather, not dot) and a whole bunch of white folks. I'd had 2 glasses of wine and was feelin fine.

Foxxxy: Did you hear about Miguel? He knocked up his girl Tiny.
Rosey Palm: Who is she?
Foxxxy: Oh, she's some . . . (pregnant pause - no pun intended) . . . "short" girl?
Rosey Palm: Ok???

Mind you, I was sitting next to some heinous white dude and I couldn't very well say that Tiny was a skinny white chick in mixed company. Luckily, I was just sober enough to catch myself before I offended everyone to the right of me. Fortunately for me, my partner in crime, Nittlebit, caught on to what I meant. So, if you catch me saying "short," it really means "white."

Now onto Jez. I've decided that even though she's short, she's the kewlest shorty I know. Read this:

"What is it with our nation and damn white girls? It’s like they’re rare gold, diamonds, precious metal, we can’t even spare one period. The black girls around here get a blip on the media radar screen, usually a heartsick mother stricken and tear struck glaring into the intrusive camera lights. The white girls get parades, telethons, posters, rallies, gymnasiums bearing their names. Fuck, you’d think Elizabeth Smart is the only white girl to have ever been abducted by a crazy man accessorized in the latest fall collection of maniacal religious woodsman. Elizabeth Smart is Princess Abducted White Girl. Even her sister gets hour-long Dateline specials just for being in the room while she was abducted. All the other dead, abducted white girls are jealous of her notoriety. But everybody gets all upset even if it’s a poor crackhead, as long as she’s white. This 22 year old stripper living with a 65 year old money launderer gets shot in the head after the 65 year old decides his life is no longer worth living and therefore neither is hers. I have nothing against strippers, in fact I’ve really liked a few of them, but let’s face it. They aren’t national ambassadors of good will. All over the news people are trumpeting this girl’s absolute need to help people and care for them and she wasn’t fucking the 65-year-old man, she was helping him, and this was her undoing. Yes, the stripper was decked in her candy striper outfit the very day that she was shot in the head, but alas, she’s a dead white girl and we just can’t stand that. We’ll polish up a stripping heroin addict for the funeral pictures as long as she’s a white girl. Can’t fucking stand a dead white girl. It’s like the entire nation’s stock may be depleted by even one loss. Well, nice to know that I am such a precious metal."

Gosh, short people!


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