I like monkeys . . .

. . . but I sure hate Jessica Simpson!!!! Can that bitch just die? Ok, that was a bit harsh. But seriously, can't a car run over her big toe or something (no offense Palma!)? What about deflating her left boob? That's gotta be painful but not fatal, right? I'm so sick of seeing her goofy grin everywhere. The only thing worse is her sister Ashlee.

Why am I hatin so hard? Where does a sistah begin? Why don't I itemize for you?

1. She can't sing. Yes, there are plenty of people who think she can. I'm sorry, but sounding better than Britney does NOT make you good. It makes you not tone-deaf. That girl screeches and breathes more than Paris Hilton in a sex tape. Why aren't actual talented people famous?
2. She's got a man-jaw. I mean, it's not nearly as bad as Eva Chin-dez (that beotch has a witch profile. All she's missin is the mole. I swear she was gonna knock Will Smith over in Hitch), but DAYUM. It's square. It's got a big ole clef. Honestly, I've been checkin her neck. Can't you shave down an Adam's Apple?
3. She's a fuckin idiot. She's cute, blonde, and more dense than an empty can of Chicken of the Sea. Why should she be revered for being vapid? People certainly don't admire her for her singing talents (as evidenced by sparse album sales and low tour turnout). People watch her because she's made having a head full of peroxide en vogue. I could almost buy the argument that she's playing to a type for marketing purposes, but is this really the type anyone should want to play? It's more sad than funny.
4. She comes from a family full of idiots. Let's start with poppa Joe, the former youth pastor turned svengali. I think we all know that "youth pastor" is code for "in the closet" OR "Chester the Molester." I'd go with the molester. He's clearly obsessed with Jess's sex life and her tits. What's worse is that it doesn't seem to creep her out. It's just sick and wrong. Then there's sister Ashlee "pieces of me" Simpson. I think I hate her more than Jessica, but she clearly does not merit an entire blog entry, yet. All I have to say is ACID REFLUX. Did that excuse work for the Orange Bowl too? How about this Ashlee - BITCH YOU CAN'T SING!!! Finally, there's momma Tina (why do I know these people's names?). She's the one who was quoted as saying Jessica had a genius IQ. Yes, her daughter, who thinks Daisy Duke is "iconish" is a freakin genius. Well, every mother thinks their child is a genius (maybe), so that doesn't make Tina too much of an idiot. I guess I hate her because she married a perv and spawned two truly brain-dead children.
5. She married Nick Lachey. He's an idiot too, don't get me wrong, but in the immortal words of my girl Melissa - he can get it! Note, this is the ONLY thing I'm jealous of.

I could go on and on, but unfortunately, my heart now hurts from having spent a whole 15 minutes writing about the twit. I could've been writing about Peter Jennings or John Johnson, but instead, because her stupid video is on the MTV loop (wtf is Willy Nelson thinking?), I got distracted.

Which brings me back to monkeys. They're cute. They're silly. They sing. They walk around naked. They even fuck their relatives. But even monkeys are smarter than Jessica Simpson. Hmmm, maybe I don't like monkeys so much anymore.