Monday, October 31, 2005

and in case you're wondering

I totally take my apology back after the ass-grabin incident!

If you're gonna post a comment, make it a warm, heartfelt apology and then maybe I'll reconsider the Chubby moniker (although it is one of the nicer things I've called you).

Oh how I wish . . . an ode to Card Shark

Oh how I wish
You weren't so lame

Oh how I wish
That you could actually
beat me at poker

Oh how I wish
That you would stop smoking
for your health

Oh how I wish
That you didn't listen to country music
and like to torture me with it

Oh how I wish
You weren't so lame
Or CHUBBY (did I say that already, Chubby)

I know you can't help yourself
I am irresistable
which is why you love me so

Dot - feather man
Oh how I wish
Oh how I wish

Friday, October 28, 2005

Who knew Sulu was gay?

I have nothing further. George Takei, 'Trek's' Sulu: I'm gay

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Withdrawal - More than a birth control method

Miers withdraws Supreme Court nomination

Friday, October 21, 2005


I do not know the symptoms of rabies, but I do know that Isa has Cujo living in her home!

Thursday, October 20, 2005

April Got Bitten By a Dog!!!


Wednesday, October 19, 2005

The Moon Was Full Last Night . . .

. . . and it’s so true what they say about the full moon.

The night started out lovely enough. I had dinner with La Isa Bonita, Grape Ape, and D III at Pita Jungle. The putanesca (NOT poonanny, Isa) was scrumptious. As we were leaving, I got a chill up my spine. Then came the serious of strange events.

As we were walking to the car, Grape Ape bit the sidewalk and her shoe went flying in the air. It was hilarious. In fact, I’m sitting here laughing hysterically while I type.

So, we drive back to the school. My car is GONE. Yes, GONE. Me, Isa, and Ape search and search. I know they didn’t steal my car out of visitor parking! So I walk over to the little parking man. He informs me that my car has been towed – out of the visitor parking lot. How does that happen? Oh yeah. It was a full moon!

April drives my happy ass to parking services, where the girl behind the bulletproof glass (yes, they have bulletproof glass in the parking office just for people like me – angry black women who’ve had their cars towed out of the fucking visitor lot where they are parked legally!) informs me that I have about $200 in parking tickets (VIP parking has it’s price) and that I have to go to the tow yard and get my insurance information out of my impounded car, come back to her office, then go back to the tow yard. That bitch better be glad she was behind Plexiglas! Did I mention the full moon?

April then drives me to the tow yard where a 10 year old girl, working all by herself in the cold and dark, is in charge of dealing with irate people who’ve had their cars towed. She walks me over to my car where I get my papers and my flip flops (I had on some really cute slides, but they hurt and it was muddy). As we’re walking back to April’s car, I step in a mud puddle, getting my feet all dirty. Shit!

Me, April, and my muddy feet drive back over to the parking office. On our way, Card Shark calls. Seemingly moved by my apology and angry about some meeting he attended (and it was NOT Gambler’s Anonymous), he felt the need to invite me to the fair. I figure, hell, what have I got to lose. It’s a full moon. Things could get interesting.

I finally pick up my car and head over to Shark’s house. I change my clothes and me, Shark and Romius head to the fair! That’s right folks. I went to the fair with my chubby ex-bf and Romius, the only white man I’ll ever love! Full moon, anyone?

We walk in the fair and the boys buy an assortment of fried stuff on sticks. (NOTE TO READER: If you get out of the hospital with severe ulcers, it’s important to NOT eat anything that you can carry on a stick). I just wanna ride. So, me and Shark get on a number of rides thing that flip, spin, and toss, and drop us. Shark starts drooling. I’m glad I didn’t eat the corndog. Romius is a pussy who almost freaks out on the ferris wheel. Shark wins me a stuffed curious George. Full moon!

So, instead of going home, Shark and Romius (who both clearly miss my everyday presence) take me to their new hole-in-the-wall spot. We drink. A black man in cowboy boots flirts with me and tells me I look like Gladys Knight (I don’t). A blond Mexican man talks about killing the white people, or maybe just offing Romius. We drink some more. Card Shark keeps playing with the slab of fat that is now his belly. Romius tells me his new poker stories. I laugh. Card Shark tells me my blog is biased (well duh). I’m actually having a good time. I miss my boys. We used to be like the 3 Musketeers, except with an Indian (dot and feather) and a black chick (that’s me) and no swords. Ok, not like the 3 Musketeers at all, but you get the picture. Clearly, I’m drunk with full moon madness.

So we get back to chubby . . . I mean Card Shark’s house. He gives me a strange but heartfelt hug and I head home under the light of the full moon.

Monday, October 17, 2005

Good Grief

So Card Shark is upset because I called him chubby.

I'll take this time to apologize. I'm sorry. I know my words mean so much to you. I don't want you to roam the vast desert wondering why oh why I called you chubby. I didn't mean it . . .

. . . but you have put on a few"I miss Foxxxy Love" pounds. I was just trying to capture that sentiment of your loss with the word chubby.


Sunday, October 16, 2005

Happy Porn Sunday!!

And just when I was running out of blog inspiration . . .

This Sunday was Porn Sunday for the standing room only crowd at a local church. What is Porn Sunday you might ask. Well, these 2 "pastors" come to churches and show porn to expose the congregation to the evils of porn. It's a porn crusade if you will.

Now, y'all know I believe in God. Heck, I even made a deal with him. So don't jump down my throat when I say this. Porn Sunday is just another example of what's wrong with organized religion. These supposed Christians are crusading against porn as if it's the most pressing problem we have right now - HELLO, we've got a war going on!!! But to show porn IN CHURCH is likely the most stupid thing I've ever heard. To top it off, the church house was filled with people who were so opposed to porn that they packed the church in record numbers to watch it. Hmmmm. ALL OF THESE PEOPLE ARE LOONEY!!

I like porn (well, some of it anyway). Everyone should watch a little porn now and then (unless you're Jeff and take regular porn breaks). But, good Lord (pardon the pun), do you have to watch it in church? It just goes to show that we have a lot of repressed souls in Arizona. They've gotta go to church to get their rocks off. Go to a strip club for God's sake.

I, on the other hand, will watch the porn at home. Although, I did make that deal with God. Hmmm, maybe I'll reconsider Porn Sunday. Where do I sign up?

For more information on Porn Sunday, please visit (and I'm so not kidding).

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Comin to a Supreme Court near you

Harriet Miers. Ain't she hot? Oh, she also thinks that GWB was the best guvna eva! Hooray!!!

She clearly needs to lay off the hooch, right Palma?

If Dubya is gonna put someone completely UNQUALFIED on the highest court in the land, then he might as well have picked some eye candy, don't ya think? Hell, pick me! I have a dangerous legal mind (I even passed the bar that nearly 40% of my classmates failed) and a bod for sin (ok, even I couldn't say that with a straight face).

Put me on the Supreme Court. I won't overturn Roe v. Wade, but I might do something even crazier. I might, for instance, actually hear a case and write my opinion based on the actual law! I know. It's shocking!!! Hell, I might even find things unconstitutional when they, horror of all horrors, offend the Constitution.

Therefore, I say write to the Pres-o-dent. Tell him you want Foxxxy for the Supreme Court. Why? Because she's way hotter than Miers!

Sunday, October 09, 2005

It's a Celebration, Bitches!

For those of you who didn't hear me scream it from the moutaintops, I PASSED THE BAR! Yes, that means I'm too legit to quit. It also means that I really have to hold up my end of the deal I made with GOD.

But of course, my happy moment was overshadowed by a molester. Yes, a molester. I must fill you all in on it later.

Just wanted to say to the world that I PASSED!!! I also would like to say that some folks that didn't pass were totallly robbed and it ain't fair! Others are such horrible people that they didn't deserve to pass (ok, that wasn't nice, but I really am enjoying the fact that my ex, my nemesis from Law Review, and our biggest conservative jerk all failed AND I PASSED!!! Ha.).

I seriously will update on the molester. Let's just say that living in a rich white neighborhood ain't all it's cracked up to be. White people be molestin!

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Oh Lawd! Not Nipsey!!!

For those of you who don't know, growing up, my favorite movie was The Wiz. You know - the black version of The Wizard of Oz, starring Dianna Ross as Dorothy, Michael Jackson as the Scarecrow, and Nipsey Russell as the Tin Man. Apparently, my parents took me to see the movie when I was about 1 or 2 years old and I sang the whole way through, providing the audience with much entertainment (keep in mind that The Wiz was on Broadway first, so we had the musical soundtrack before the movie came out).

Sadly, one of my favorite actors when I was small died a few days ago. Nipsey Russell also starred in Car 54 Where Are You (way before my time) and apparently was a game show frequenter. I'll always remember him as the Tin Man singing "slide some oil to me." Nipsey was 80 years old.

As a sidenote, Luther Vandross, who also recently passed, wrote my favorite song from The Wiz, Everybody Rejoice (can you feel a brand new day!!!!).

and in breaking alien news

Tomkat is preggers. EEEWWWW!

Puhleeze. We all know that Tom Cruise doesn't have sex with women. So Kate must've really been implanted by the Thetans (or whatever other weird ass shit Scientologists believe). Everyone pray for this child.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

So, I took a big old Lez(bian) to the titty bar.

Lil Dave was visiting from Seattle this weekend, so he gave me a call and asked me to meet him at Bandaids. Yes, I'm sure you can all imagine what type of clientel goes to a strip club called Bandaids.

Anyways . . .

I was with one of my favorite lesbians, La Isla Bonita (is everyone I know either a lesbian or ndn these days?), so I said "You like titties! Lets go to the strip club." And so we did.

I think L.I.B. left a wet spot in her chair (as Quilty would say, she got all mojada in her ochonco). And I won't even go into how I was molested by several strippers. Apparently, they like titties too.

A good clean time was had by all, including Lil Dave who spent ridiculous amounts of money. I think La Isla Bonita left feeling a bit sexually frustrated after she fell in love with - horror of all horrors - a black stripper with a nice ass. I openly admitted that her ass was better than mine - and those of you who know me know that statement took extreme courage. I left thinking "Ain't that a shame. That chick who danced to "My Hump" was really pregnant, wasn't she?"

The moral of the story: If you're not into chicks but you're asked to go see strippers, take a friend that actually like titties. Also, sit next to big black dudes because they will buy you really potent drinks!

Monday, October 03, 2005

Attention Computer Geeks:

Does anyone know how to get rid of that virus with the Winfixer 2005 pop-ups? They're fuckin annoyin.

More proof that Republicans are like the Mob.

Tom Delay Indicted on Money Laundering Charges

Roimus, oh Romius!

Wherefore art thou Romius?

Sunday, October 02, 2005

No. Bill Bennet did not fall under my radar.

I just think that the crime rate would plummet further if we just aborted all WHITE babies instead of the BLACK ones.

Ok, genocide is not funny, but neither is Bill Bennet. He's fucked up no matter what context that comment was made in. He's just an old racist white guy who thinks that all black people re criminals. Funny how there are more white criminals than black ones, but no one talks about aborting white babies to reduce the crime rate (except for me, of course).

Anyway, soon there will be no such thing as abortion because our new Chief Justice will make it illegal. I suggest all you knocked up white chicks run out right now. You could be carryin the next Columbine kid! But I digress.

A moment of silence

for August Wilson - black playwright.