Monday, February 27, 2006

And for those of you who didn't see it . . .

Check out the episode, including spit flyin, right here.

Just call him Sir Flav-A-Lot - The Mother of All Episodes (that would be Episode 8)

Again, it's a beautiful day in the Flavor-hood.

Pumpkin and Hoopz talk about how much Trannie primps. Trannie tells the camera that she's a natural beauty who simply likes to "play up her features." Honey, you should really be playing down that adam's apple of yours. Maybe she needs more turtlenecks and neclaces? Check the neck!!!

Flav has a special surprise for the girls today. It's time to meet the 'rents! Flav will spend a day with each girl and their parents. Why am I all of a sudden starting to feel really sorry for these girls? Pumpkin's momma is up first. Of course, Pumpkin is scared. I mean, I would be scared too if I had to bring Flav to my momma and daddy.

Mrs. Pumpkin (aka Terri) enters the mansion. Why does Pumpkin look older than her momma? I guess Trannie was right about the facelift stuff. Anyway, Flav takes Pumpkin and her momma to a spa to get manis and pedis. Flav explains that his feet look like a runaway slave's. He ain't lyin. From what I saw, he must be still runnin!

While they're getting the spa treatment, Terri pulls out a list of questions for Flav. Basically, she asked what his intentions were toward her daughter. In so many words, Flav told Terri his daughter was a ho. She didn't buy it, but what mother really thinks her daughter is a ho (besides mine - did I tell ya'll about that time my momma called me an old black ho? Alas, that's another post)? While they're talking, Pumpkin reveals that she's been on many a game show, including: Street Smarts, Family Feud, Friend of Foe, and . . . Blind Date. Uh oh. Flav was floored because he eliminated Hot Mess for being on Blind Date. Terri leaves and Flav is clearly pissed. Pumpkin ain't real, ya'll.


Pumpkin and Trannie talk about the date. Pumpkin then tells Trannie that Flav is going with Hoopz next. Trannie starts straight trippin! WTF? I guess he/she's jealous that Flav is going with Hoopz first, but what does that matter? I know this bitch is crazy, but she's gone into hyper-drama mode.

Hoopz has a white momma and she reminds me of Teena Marie for some reason. Trannie says that she couldn't believe it. Hoopz's mom looked so young and vibrant. OOOPS! In the words of Cher Horowitz (Clueless, people), that woman was a full on Monet - she's pretty from a far, but close up, she's all ugly and messed up. But she's not nearly as messed up as Flav who comes down in some kind of king outfit. He's got on a crown and everything. Hoopz thinks he looks hot. I beg to differ. So, the trio rolls out and head to another classy establishment - Medieval Times! Now I get the king outfit. This date is going to be even more classy than the one at the Red Lobster.

They ate with their fingers. Flav kisses Hoopz's momma. Ooh, I think he likes her, and Hoopz is worried because her momma done already stoledt (and that's pronounced stole-tuh) up on one of her boyfriends. That's just nasty! While enjoying the festivities, one of the servers asks Flav to come with him so he could be knighted. Flav looks at his arm and says "I'm already night!" I must admit that I laughed. He is a midnight mutha fucka. It's funny because it's true. Well, he's knighted as Sir Flav-a-lot! That's hot!

On the way back home in the car, Hoopz's mom is flirtin with Flav. Did I mention that she's a big ho? She says if Hoopz doesn't want him, she'll take him! This is so incestuous! Gross!

They return to the mansion and Flav tells Pumpkin that he had a lovely date with her and her momma, but he's gonna spend some alone time with Hoopz. Pumpkin senses that Flav is acting differently toward her. She ain't lyin. He brushed her off to drop a stinky load. Is that TMI? I think so.


Flav is not feelin Pumpkin. Poor baby? So, Pumpkin tells Trannie that Hoopz gets one-on-one time with Flav. Hoopz and Flav are enjoying champagne and a bubble bath. Meanwhile, Trannie is trippin. She cries and eats and cries and eats. Pumpkin is too funny because she was making Trannie jealous on purpose. Gotta love it!

The next day belongs to Trannie. She wants everything to be perfect. Enter Mr. and Mrs. Trannie. Trannie comes down the stairs in the most respectable outfit I've seen her in yet. Hell, she looks like she's goin to church. Flav comes doewn the stairs lookin like white lightenin! Mrs. Trannie is not impressed. Flav gives them a tour of the house. Well, now we see where Trannie gets her crazy from. Momma is a nutjob!

Flav takes the Trannie family to play tennis, which is really nice because he heard Poppa Trannie likes tennis. On the ride, Momma Trannie asks Flav how old he is. I didn't realize that he's only 5 years younger than my momma! Anyhoo, Momma Trannie tells Trannie that she's fat. Trannis is many many things, but she ain't fat! Wait, did I just stick up for Trannie? Dayum Trannie's mom is a big fat bitch. She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world. Trannie's mom is a big fat bitch. She's a bitch to all the boys and girls! OK, I stole it from South Park, but it was appropriate.

Flav and Poppa Trannie play tennis. Meanwhile, Momma Trannie is straight hatin on Flav being a 46 year old man wearing a clock that's not runnin. Ok, she's right, but still. Trannie is tryin to defend her man. Momma Trannie ain't tryin to hear it. Actually, she's about as grossed out as I am right now. Wait, she might be aight. Momma says that Trannie and Flav are never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever getting married. Ever! Did she mention ever? Ok, I might have to reassess my evaluation of Momma Trannie. She ain't so crazy. She's just keepin it real, son!


Back at the court, Flav and Poppa Trannie are having a time playing tennis. Meanwhile, Momma and Trannie are still arguing. Trannie LOVES him! Momma said NO, and then asks "are you going to choose him over me?" What kind of whack question is that? Anyway, Trannie says "I have to follow my heart!" So Trannie's 'rents leave. Poppa loves him, Momma don't. Flav knows it, but he's not gonna kiss anyone's butt! Interesting date indeed.

Flav enters his suite and deliberates. Again, he makes an easy decision.

Stop! Clock time!

While the girls are waiting, they comment on one another. Hoopz says Trannie is UGLY! Pumpkin reveals that Trannie wears cologne because it makes men feel sexy. I should really leave it alone, but I can't. OF COURSE SHE WEARS MEN'S COLOGNE BECAUSE SHE IS A MAN! Trannie calls Hoopz and Pumpkin inhabitants of the island of Lesbos.

3 girls, 2 clocks.
  • Hoopz

But who will get the final clock?


1 clock left, and it goes to . . .

  • Trannie

Flav felt Pumpkin was playin games (check 1,2). It's her 6th reality show for cryin out loud. Roll out!

Oh, but it ain't over. Pumpkin tells Flav he disrespected her. She then accuses Trannie of being an aspiring actress. She is, but you know Trannie ain't gonna stand for it. Pumpkin and Trannie were gettin heated. Oh, Pumpkin just called Trannie a fat transvestite. Hoopz just laughs at the exchange. Trannie tells Pumpkin she looks like a man who needs a facelift.

Ooooh, Pumpkin tries to step to Trannie. She spits in Trannie's face. Trannie bucks up and pushes Pumpkin into the cameras. OH LAWD that shit is HILARIOUS!!!!! What's even better is the instant slow-motion replay!

PAUSE. Now I don't condone spitting because it's probably the most disrespectful thing you could do. I don't like Trannie, but NOBODY deserves to get spit on. Pumpkin was cool with me, but now she is dead to me! UNPAUSE.

Trannie wants to keep fighting so Flav's gotta hold her back! Move Flav and let those women handle it!!! Hoopz comments that spitting is messed up, but Trannie deserved it because she was mean. I don't agree, but I can understand (ha). Trannie, Hoopz and Flav toast and get ready for a trip to MEXICO, while Pumpkin is sittin outside not loving Flav anymore.

Next week is the finale. See ya'll then.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Wild night. Good times, good times!

Memorial to Grandpa J

Molly was supposed to come visit me this weekend, but her grandpa died last night. I've known Molly since I was 7, so of course I knew Grandpa J well, and I must say that we was awesome!!! Grandpa said exactly what was on his mind all the time, but he didn't do it in that annoying way that makes you hate old people. He was just genuinely a character with the ability to make everyone around him laugh and smile.

Molly said that last time she saw him was for her birthday celebration on Sunday (wish Molly a belated Happy Birthday suckas!). She said he was happier than she'd ever seen him. He was excited about Molly's bro getting married. He told Molly she was beautiful. Our guess is that Grandpa knew he was going to go and was happy to see all of his loved ones doing wonderfully.

Grandpa spent 92 years really living! Rest in peace Grandpa!

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

CLOSURE - the word of the day

I am so brilliant, but ya'll already know that. I should really write a book . . . or become a PIMP.


Today, a friend of mine who was taking the bar exam, was fretting over the fact that he had no trim waitin for him once he got home. Apparently, his regular 'tang just started a new relationship, thus claiming to be off limits.

In his dismay, he said "Foxxxy, what is I to do (insert pout here)?"

So, I thunk and thunk unto myself. Then, eureka! I found it.

"Hey, just call that ho up and say you need to bang it out one more 'gin for CLOSURE!"

He looked at me and laughed. "Foxxxy, that ain't 'gon work!"

I shook my head and let out a great sigh. "Siiiiiighhhhh. You doubt me, son? Don'tchu know I know all and see all. That ho is 'gon let you hit it for old times sake. Trust me!"

Fast forward to about 30 minutes ago . . .

"Foxxxy, you was right! I mentioned CLOSURE and that ho said, 'I was thankin the same thang. That will be my gift to you for taking the bar!' And I said, ' . . . word?' And she was all '. . . word!'"

I looked at the lad with knowing eyes. "I told you so, son. Never underestimate my pimpery again! I know all and see all!"

I should really write a book . . . or become a pimp!

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

I'm usually on top of my gossip

but perhaps it was my utter repulsion and disdain for Rush Limbaugh that blinded me to the fact that he and Daryn Kagan of CNN had been dating and engaged for about 2 years. Did anyone else know this? Was I the only one in the dark? Apparently so, because the pair has reportedly, FINALLY, split.

For those of you who don't know, I'm a bit of a news junkie - a lefty news junkie that is. So, clearly, I've NEVER EVER EVER been a fan of Rush Limbaugh. The man is a fuckin idiot (for lack of a better discription). I am, however, a fan of Kagan; something I've seriously reconsidered in the past 5 minutes. She is now dead to me!

Kagan is a member of the CNN family, one of the "liberal media" stations. The quotation marks mean that I'm using the term "liberal media" loosely because as far as I can tell, there is no such a thang! So, how dare she date the most loved/reviled (depending upon whom you ask) conservative nutjobs on the radio?!?!

Boy, CNN is losing credibility with me. First they cancel Talback Live and Crossfire. Now this? I feel dirty and must take another shower to make it clean!

Monday, February 20, 2006

More Flavor of Love Dirt.

I cannot take the credit for this, although I will say that a lot of my stuff was up before this page was put up on Wikipedia.

CLICK HERE for names, ages, and websites of almost all of the contestants.

NOTE: There are also some spoilers. I heard somewhere that Trannie is preggers. If so, then it is possible to impregnate men - sorta like that movie with Ahr-nald.

Oh, and here are my recaps for easy access:

Episode 1
Episode 2
Episode 3
Episode 4
Episode 5
Epsiode 6
Episode 7
Meet the Groupies

Another Bloggin' Poll! Chico Stick, Anyone?

THE RULES: 10 songs that sum up your weekend . . . or were on your weekend playlist . . . and one picture that relates back. (Oh, and if you feel like it, tell us why you picked the songs you did.)

  1. Grillz by Nelly, Paul Wall, and some other folks. This is another horrible Nelly creation, but after watchin this weekend's episode of Flavor of Love, I couldn't get the thought of "Smile for me daddy. Let me see your grill. Ya, ya grill. Ya, ya, ya grill" out of my head!
  2. So Sick by Ne-Yo. I honestly like this song. However, every time I turned on the radio this weekend, it was playing. Good thing I don't listen to the radio that much or else I'd be so sick of this song!
  3. Sometimes I Rhyme Slow, Sometimes I Rhyme Quick by Nice & Smooth. A hip hop classic. I'm cheating a little bit because this song is in my head right now. I'm watching the Law & Order marathon on TNT and the murder happened on "125 and St. Nick." Hmmm, I could sure use a Chico Stick right now.
  4. Make It Last Forever by Keith Sweat. I was supposed to go see Keith this weekend. I'm kinda sad I didn't, but I had stuff to do. Oh well. Maybe next year.
  5. Shower Me With Your Love by Surface. Palma and I heard this song as we were walking through the grocery store this weekend. It brought back memories of being at the Wheel A While and waiting for that special boy to ask me out on the rink for Couple's Skate. Ya'll know what I'm talkin about.
  6. Seems You're Much Too Busy by Vertical Hold. I just love Angie Stone. This is Angie before anyone knew who she was. I've been listening to this one a lot lately.
  7. He Loves Me by Jill Scott. I love everything this beautiful dreamer does, but He Loves Me has to be one of my favorites. For those of you who know the song, I know you agree that it is probably one of the most seductive songs on the planet! Lately, I've been thinking a lot about being loved "from my hair follicle to my toe nails." Alas, for right now it's but a dream.
  8. Ain't No Such Thing As a Superman /Home Is Where the Hatred Is by Gil Scott-Heron. It's a toss-up between these 2 songs because I like them so much. What can I say? I was feelin a little old school this weekend.
  9. Stakes Is High by De La Soul. I've been bangin this one (and Tainted Love by Slum Village) for weeks in my IPod. This is arguably one of De La's best (in my humble opinion). I think more than a few popular rappers of today could benefit from a listen.
  10. Hopeless by Dionne Farris. Me and Palma watched Love Jones this weekend. This song (and that movie) brought back so many memories for us both. 'Member the lazy days of undergrad? 'Member how we loved Nia Long's hairdo?. 'Member how we thought Larenz Tate was so fine, even though he was only 5'5? 'Member how open mic poetry was the thang? 'Member how Bill Bellamy had a career?

For the rest of Beat & Rants' poll, CLICK HERE. Oh, and TAG. YOU'RE IT!!!

And for the biggest gross out moment of the day ...

Calif. Woman, 62, Gives Birth to Baby Boy

Let's all give a collective tisk tisk to the doctor who thought it was a good idea to give fertility treatments to a 62-year-old woman with Diabetes. That's really responsible medicine!

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Flavor of Love - Episode 7

Again, it's a beautiful day and the ladies and Flav are waking up to start another day of courtship. New York weighs in on her competition - they're no competition.

Flav was born a travellin' man, so he's taking the girls on a trip. First, he's going to take Hoopz and Pumpkin to Palm Springs. Next, he'll take New York and Goldie to San Diego. New York is hurt that Hoopz & Pumpkin get to go first. She thinks they're sluts and bitches who will try to sleep with Flav. Well, isn't that the point? Goldie doesn't want to get separated either, but oh well!

Hoops & Pumpkin are on their way to a resort in Palm Springs. They're greeted by Flav wearing hot pink! The ladies get their own room filled with goodies. Flav left them a note - they're getting yoga lessons. Hmmm. Or should I say Ohhhhm? Flav wants them to "exercise that ass!"

The ladies and Flav look like they're having a hard time with the yoga. Flav's feet are black at the bottom and that ain't right. They get into some compromising yoga positions (downward dog looks like doggy-style), but the girls are very aware that they're in a competition. As such, they keep kissin his nasty ass. YUCKO!

Big Rick, sans sleeves, escorts the trio to the pool where they gross out the rest of the resort patrons. Hoopz and Pumpkin continue to try and one-up one another.


Next, the happy trio, including Flav and his clock, head to the spa. First, they do the toura festa, which means they get to pain one another with mud. Flav looks ashy, but he got "the flyest mud bath in the world!" Pumpkin takes off Hoopz's top - like she's not used to that. Next, they shower off the mud, at which point, Pumpkin starts slippin Flav to tongue. Not to be outdone, Hoopz joins in. I think I want to poke my eyes out!

Later in the evening, they prepare for dinner. While Hoopz is primping, Pumpkin writes him a letter about how she wants to get to know Flav in addition to making out with him. The ladies look lovely, and so does Flav with his top hat and matching clock. OK, I was totally kidding. Poor Pumpkin. She can't keep up with Flav and his black lingo. She looks so confused. Hoopz knows what time it is though.

When Hoopz excuses herself to use the potty, Pumpkin slips Flav the note. She wants to be alone with him. Awwww. Or should that be eeeewwwww! Flav thinks Pumpkin has heart, so excuses himself and Pumpkin, leaving poor Hoopz all alone. I want to "say poor" Hoopz, but she's adamant that she's not sleeping with him. Good for her. Pumpkin, on the other hand, is not stranger to sex on reality shows! What a skank.


It's another day and Flav meets up with Trannie and Goldie in San Diego. When Trannie spots Flav, she runs into his arms, screaming "I missed you!!" Goldie knows she needs to step up her game.

The new threesome take a tour of the wild animal park. They took them to the "habitatual" land. I couldn't make that shit up if I tried. Lions and tigers and bears, oh my! Trannie likes giraffes. Perhaps they remind her of herself as she has a long ass neck and fat tongue. They feed the rhinos, which according to Flav, eat just like he does. He ain't lyin, ya'll. Apparently, the tour guide informs the group that animals with long horns have great sex lives. Well, that makes Flav happy because he's horny and wearing his horns! Somehow, I don't think that has much to do with his package. Goldie says she's capable of stealing the show while Trannie wants to make Flav feel like the king he is. OK.

They head to the W Hotel, a very nice spot, and they get ready for dinner. They're room is also filled with goodies and a portrait of Flav in an Indian head dress and his gold fronts. Aight, Chief! The girls are excited about the date. I LOVE GOLDIE. Trannie knows she's gorgeous while Goldie is just cute. Hmmm. Maybe if you're into men Trannie is gorgeous.

The yall meet for dinner. Goldie lays a smooch on Flav.

PAUSE: I love Goldie and want her to win. But, at the same time, I love Goldie and don't want her to be with Flav. I don't want to see her kiss him. He nasty. UNPAUSE. Trannie looks pissed that Goldie is layin the mack down on Flav. Flav is like "Whoa. Goldie, where have you been?" I could see his lil pecker staning at attention.

They eat dinner. Flav asks Goldie to feed him. She agrees. SCORE for Goldie. Trannie, looking pissed, offers Flav some shrimp. He ain't payin no attention to her because all eyes are on Goldie. Trannie is grippin her steak knife real hard, like she's gonna cut Goldie. Flav asks Goldie what she would do if she had some alone time with him. Goldie responds "I could show you better than I could tell you." SCORE SCORE! Then, she shoots Trannie a "What Bitch!!" look. Did I mention that I LOVE GOLDIE? Flav excuses himself and Goldie. Flav knew he didn't make Trannie happy. He could "smell the heat coming out the top of her head."

As Flav and Goldie get their smooch on, Trannie is back in the room cryin like a punk. She can't "share her man with another woman. A big girl at that!" Well, that big girl, that country bumpkin, that bicuits and white gravy, just walked off with your man, man . . . I mean Trannie!!


It's a new day, again, and Flav looks extra special happy. Goldie put it on him! Tonight is elimination. Flav reflects on his dates. He had a good ole time.

Back at the mansion, Pumpkin, Hoopz, and Goldie reunite. They're all excited to see each other and cheer when they hear Goldie got the alone time. Trannie sits in her room by herself. The girls hope Trannie is the one to go. Trannie can only think of Flav and their future together.

Flav goes back to his suite to make his decision. Flav in his electric blue do rag and glasses, looks the most normal he's looked the entire show. Looking at the pics, Flav says he could get with this or he could get with that (Blacksheep, come out, come out wherever you are).


Elimination time! 4 girls and 3 clocks. Who stays and who goes?
  • Pumpkin - I guess puttin out works.
  • Hoopz - Trannie says she's beautiful, but when she opens her mouth, "it's like dirt!"
  • Trannie - Apparnetly, Flav really likes men.

Goldie had to go. She's great, but he say she just a friend - oh, and she didn't put out! Tis a shame because she was the best woman on the show. The rest of the girls are shocked and will miss Goldie. So will I Goldie, so will I.

And here's a sign of Goldie's class. Instead of wishing the remaining ladies ill will, she says her heart goes out to Trannie because she knows the other girls won't talk to her.

Trannie, on the other hand, starts her crazy rantings about how she loves Flav and she will kill anyone who stands in her way (or something like that).

BUT next week is the kicker. Trannie and Pumpkin get to fightin! See ya'll next week.

Friday, February 17, 2006

That's Real Niggerish!

My dear dear friend Wyatt emailed me this MySpace page this morning. I think I'll just post his entire email as I couldn't have said it better myself. When will our people rise up and overcome? OH, and if you are NOT BLACK but you happen to know me, DO NOT THINK FOR ONE MINUTE THAT YOU CAN GO AROUND USING THE N WORD IN MY PRESENCE OR ON MY BLOG. Sorry, but in the day and age of Chapelle's Show you gotta remind some fools. (I've included my own commentary in RED).

"This was a myspace bulletin a real person sent me (I don't actually know this person, but they're one of my 'friends').

It's a poem-ish thing about being a 'Real Nigga' and doing things a Real Nigga would do but it's all things a gentleman would do. And that's funny to me because I guess this guy is so ignorant than rather be a Black man he would rather be a nigga, but wants to make the distinction that he's a sweet nigga.

And I included the only Nikki Giovanni poem I know to compare his poetry to that of an established poet, who also has an opinion on niggers/niggas."
Most likely the realest nigga you'll eva meet . . .
by Some Nigga (OK, I totally added this)
  1. A real nigga doesn't kiss and tell.
  2. A real nigga notices your hair and nails. I don't want anyone noticing my hair today. I ran out of conditioner.
  3. A real nigga call you beautiful . . . not hot, sexy, or fine. I dunno. I likes to be called fine and be reminded how thick I am.
  4. A real nigga calls you on a daily basis no matter how busy or tired he is.
  5. A real nigga looks past what he's heard about you or what his friends think of you.
  6. A real nigga wants to spend as much time as he can with you, and won't get sick of you. That's just unrealistic. I get tired of niggas, so I'm sure they tire of me.
  7. A real nigga doesn't care if you gave it up on the first, second or third night. Who's counting anyway? You gotta let a ho be a ho, HO!
  8. A real nigga comes over, just to watch a movie. Hopefully it's not Beauty Shop. That movie was garbage.
  9. A real nigga kissed you on the forehead just because. But it ain't so sweet if you get cut up by his iced out grill!
  10. A real nigga doesn't tell you what he thinks you want to hear, he tells you what's real. Fuck that! Lie to me, dammit!
  11. A real nigga should be treated like one. OK, how exactly is that?

Ladies - If you want a real nigga then rpost this as "I WANT A REAL NIGGA." Guys - If you a real nigga repost this as "I'M A REAL NIGGA." And anyone who does this is a real fool!

The True Import Of Present Dialogue, Black vs. Negro (For People, Who Will Ultimately Judge Our Efforts)
by Nikki Giovanni I won't allow myself to make fun of Nikki

Can you kill
Can you kill
Can a nigger kill
Can a nigger kill a honkie
Can a nigger kill the Man
Can you kill nigger
Huh? nigger can youkill
Do you know how to draw blood
Can you poison
Can you stab-a-Jew
Can you kill huh? nigger
Can you kill
Can you run a protestant down with your'68 El Dorado
(that's all they're good for anyway)
Can you kill
Can you piss on a blond head
Can you cut it off
Can you kill
A nigger can die
We ain't got to prove we can die
We got to prove we can kill
They sent us to kill
Japan and Africa
We policed Europe
Can you kill
Can you kill a white man
Can you kill the nigger
in you
Can you make your nigger mind
Can you kill your nigger mind
And free your black hands to
Can you kill
Can a nigger kill
Can you shoot straight and
Fire for good measure
Can you splatter their brains in the street
Can you kill them
Can you lure them to bed to kill them
We kill in Viet Nam
for them
We kill for UN & NATO & SEATO & US
And everywhere for all alphabet but
Can we learn to kill WHITE for BLACK
Learn to kill niggers
Learn to be Black men

Those pesky Italians are at it again!

Italian court: Not a virgin? Sex crimes aren't as serious

Thursday, February 16, 2006

And in case you're in the LA area . . .

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Another Flav-tastic Recap - Flavor of Love Episode 6

Welcome back suckas!!! I know ya'll were feenin for the Flavor all last week when the show took a lil break for the Superbowl. Well, let's get this party started.

It must've been a wild night because Flav wakes up in a Smiley/Hoopz sammich. Flav is quite the "Flav-mantic." As he stares lovingly at Hoopz, he tells her that he's "hipmatized" by her. Awwww. Isn't that tweet? Hoopz shares the warm sentiment, noting that the intimacy between she and Flav is so natural. Indeed. Smiley, not to be left out of the love fest, woke up with "such a nice warm feeling" in her heart. I'm so filled with love . . . or is that vomit?

Cut to the sight of Hot Mess jumpin rope and very close to putting her own eye out with that bosom of hers. She's ready for whatever comes, but can't wait until the other girls leave. Meanwhile, Trannie (aka New York) drags hard on her cigarette and complains about not getting a clock at the last elimination.

While getting ready for his day, Flav spies something interesting on another reality tv show. He jumps up with excitement and brings the girls (sans Hot Mess) up to his room. They all crowd on his bed and watch.

OOOOH it's HOT MESS on Blind Date. What's worse is that she's wearing that horrible turquoise outfit that makes her boobs look like they're being held captive by ace bandages (thank the tv lawd for the pause and rewind buttons because I NEVER would've spotted the outfit otherwise). I know, I know. It's not much unlike all of her outfits, but ya'll know the one I'm talking about. I wrote about it in Episode 2. Anyhoo, Hot Mess is talking about how she likes nice things. Now I ain't sayin she a gold-digga. . . Oh, it get's better.

In the background, you hear Hot Mess's blind date say the only difference between Hot Mess and a hooker is "she doesn't recognize that she might be a hooker!" Say it with me folks. DAYUM!!!!! Do you mean to tell me that Hot Mess isn't in it for LOVE? I don't believe it! Of course, Flav is disappointed because he doesn't like fake people. Flav asks the girls not to tell Hot Mess what they saw. He'll find out if she's for real, and if not, he'll "put that shit on blast!"

After the Blind Date debacle, Pumpkin admits to Hoopz that she was on Blind Date too (hell, I saw the bitch on Next last week, but I won't tell if you don't!). Hoopz thinks that Pumpkin should fess up to Flav, but we all know she won't.

Later, Flav, who's now sportin a TWA (teenie weenie afro), tells the ladies that he's invited a guest! Enter Brigitte, the love of Flav's life, who's tryin to channel Sharon Stone with her Basic In-stank all-white ensemble. The girls don't seem too enthused. I wonder why? Gitte actually does love her lil Foofy Foofy (crazy loves crazy), so she's gonna sniff out the fake bitches. That shouldn't be too hard.

The Foofster leaves Gitte alone with the ladies. Not one to mince words, Gitte asks "If Foofy Foofy was not who he is, and he was to ask you 'if you really love me, whould you come live with me in a camper?' who would do it?" All the girls raise their hands and shout "I would." Ok, first, who is Foofy really? He used to be the hype man for arguably the most influential group in rap music / black music / the world. Now, he's the punchline to a reality tv joke. Second, ya'll are some lyin bitches because none of you want to live in a camper with a man that looks like a gremlin. I smelled that bullshit all the way from Arizona. I'm sure Gitte smelled it immediately.

While opening a bottle of wine, Gitte asks "Who's been sleeping in bed with Foofy Foofy?" Must she be so gauche? Apparently all have shared a taste of Flav because they all raised their hands. To be fair, they claim they're just cuddling, and Goldie emphasizes that they're all fully clothed. Why don't I believe that? Well, Gitte took pride in telling the girls (1) she got up close and personal with Flav while she was au natural and (2) she's still in love with him, so those bitches betta tread lightly. Cheers!

Now Gitte wants to get very serious, so she takes Goldie to another room. Duhn, duhn, duhn!


Back at the mansion, Gitte is making the girls take lie detector tests. What is this? The Maury Povich Show? Well, Flav needs a girl, honest and true. So, as she straps in Goldie, she says that if Goldie doesn't really want Foofy, tell all lies and Gitte will take him back. Oh lawd. She's supposed to be helpin Flav find love, not pimpin herself out! So here's the rundown:

  • Goldie: She's truly attached to Foofy and she likes Gitte. She takes the test with her trademark Kool-Aid smile. I LOVE GOLDIE!
  • Hoopz: She hasn't had sex with Foof, but she'd like to. My stomach is turning.
  • Pumpkin: She lied about watching Red Sonja, God only knows why. When asked if she'd ever been on reality tv (and yes dating shows count, bitch), she comes clean . . . all the way clean because apparently, she also fucked on her first turn on reality tv. What a dirty dirty whore!
  • Trannie: She really loves the Foofster and thinks he's in love with her, but she doesn't want to have his kids. That's good because we're supposed to destroy Gremlins, not breed new ones. Never feed 'em after midnight!
  • Hot Mess: What can I say besides she's a goddamn lie. She lied about everything from her age to being on television to bein a gold digger. The thing is, she's lied so much that she's likely convinced herself that she's telling the truth. Goldie is right - the bitch is lyin!
  • Smiley: She's got fake boobies (SURPRISE). When asked if she'd ever been a stripper, she tries to stop the test, but Gitte shuts her down. Surprise, she's been a stripper (like we couldn't tell from the performance she gave Flav in Episode 5. Oh, she's also still in love with her ex-hubby.

After the lie detector "testses," Gitte takes the girls out for a night on the town. The girls know this is not going to be a fun din-din. They'd be right. Gitte tells Hoopz, and I quote (as apparent by the upcoming quotation marks) "You know what? You think you're too pretty and you're not that pretty." OK. Let's take a moment to reflect on that, shall we?

You be the judge.

Hoopz is not one to back down, so the two cats start clawing. Trannie says that if Gitte had come at her the way she came at Hoopz, she "would've definitely taken a chunk out of her freakin Norweigen ass and told her where she could go!" That's great Trannie, but I think Gitte is from Denmark, not Norway, but who's keeping track (oh wait, I am!)? Well, the fight keeps going once they get dinner. Brigitte even threatens to leave, but Trannie convinces her to stay. The Gitte tries to pull out hte big guns. She tells Hoopz that something is wrong with her. Hoopz's response? "Well, Flav doesn't think so." BAM! Get her Hoopz!!! Gitte thinks Hoopz is arrogant and obnoxious, but I just think Gitte is jealous because on her best days, she can't hold a candle to Hoopz, and Hoopz doesn't fear her. At that point, Hoopz gets up and leaves. You go girl!


Back at the crib, Smiley confides in Trannie that she's feeling weak and scared. WTF? Is she nuts? Trannie is in it to win it and will use whatever info she has. Trannie sees that Smiley has problems (who doesn't?) and that she needs to be talking to Flav instead.

The next morning, Flav asks the girls how they liked Gitte? They responded in the most truthful way they could. "Interesting!" At breakfast, Flav tells the girls he's going out to brunch with Brigette where he'll get the rundown on each of them. The girls are scared, and rightly so.

At brunch, Gitte pulls out her dosier and give Flav the lowdown:

  • Goldie is sweet and sincere. She was the 100% honest on the lie detector test. Still, Gitte doesn't think that Goldie is right for Foofy on the physical tip. What? She got something against big girls?
  • Smiley is one of the most attractive but very insecure. She tells Flav that Smiley was a stripper and still had feelings for her ex. She's a no!
  • Pumpkin likes to argue, therefore, she ain't it.
  • Trannie is a no, but Flav knows she's in love.
  • Hot Mess lied about EVERYTHING - her size, feelings, measurements. She's just a hot mess!
  • Hoopz is arrogant and disrespectful.

Flav know he's still got Gitte's heart, so when she doesn't really like any of the girls, he knows what time it is.


Gitte and Foofy Foofy part ways (insert lonely teardrop here). Flav gets back to the house and has one-on-ones before he makes his elimination decision. This is their last chance to come clean. Here's the skinny:

  • Smiley: She came clean about being a stripper, but she didn't mention being in love with her ex.
  • Trannie: She takes her time to talk about Smiley, although she doesn't mention her name. What a beatch!
  • Pumpkin: She totally rats out Smiley too. Mind you, she doesn't come clean about having sex on a reality tv show. She ain't right, and the cornrows she's sporting ain't right either.
  • Hot Mess: She doesn't come clean a lick! We're not surprised, are we?
  • Hoopz: She admits that she and Gitte fought the entire time. That's really all there was to it, but Flav thinks there's more based on what Gitte told him.
  • Goldie: She's the only one that didn't lie when tested, so Goldie is golden!

Flav wishes the girls good luck in the elimination, but as he attempts to walk out the door, Trannie stops him. All the girls follow Flav to tell him that he should put the kybosh on Smiley because she didn't really want to be in the house. Smiley stands up for herself and says that she's not the strongest person, but it doesn't help when Trannie is always reminding her of her weakness. Oh no. Trannie's adam's apple begins to twitch. Flav says that his relationship with Smiley is the only one that matters.

Flav leaves and Trannie trounces. She get's mad for bringing her name up to Flav. Isn't this the same person who dimed Smiley out in her one-on-one with Flav? Hmmm. Smiley says she totally trusted Trannie. Why the fuck would she do that? If she's that stupid, she needs to leave. All the girls argue with Smiley. Smiley tries to hold her own, but she's obviously not strong enough to take the heat. I feel kinda bad for her because she seems genuinely nice, but she's CRA CRA!

Meanwhile, back in the Master's Suite, Flav is making his elimination decision. Somebody's goin home . . . and it ain't Flav.


Elimination time! The girls are lined up in their finest hoochie outfits looking nervous. Tic toc, who gets a clock?

  • Goldie
  • Trannie (when Flav called her name, it took her to a special place)
  • Pumpkin
  • Hoopz

2 bodies. 1 clock left. Well . . .

  • No clock for Hot Mess. She's a fake gold-diggin skeez and a big fat (and I mean that literally and figuratively) liar. She gotsta go! She's shocked that he threw her out the way he did. I just thought it was long overdue!
  • No clock for Smiley either. She's still in love with her ex. Even though they have a genuine connection, he wants her to take care of her issues. Smiley cries (as usual), but she understands. Too bad. She "might could be the one!"

The 4 remaining ladies and Flav pour some champagne out for Smiley, then sip the bubbly! Hoopz says that Flav made some good choices, so the competition is up in the air. Trannie is convinced that she's "gonna win (getting choked up) the heart (choked up again) of that beautiful man!" Jesus help me cuz I'm about to lose it!

Next week, my girl Goldie steps up her game and Trannie cries because she's "not gonna share her man with another woman . . . a big girl at that!" See ya'll next week.

Friday, February 10, 2006

And how do you celebrate Black History Month?

I know 1 grocery store does it by sellin' cornbread, greens, relaxers, and Mo' Better Blues. I'm surprised they left out sunflower seeds, hot sauce, and watermelon!

I know my people. We love cornbread. We love pork (except for the folks in the Nation). We love greens. We use cocoa butter. We read Ebony. We loved Andre Braugher in The Tuskeegee Airmen. I'm not really ashamed of any of those things.

What I don't like is those things being represented as Black History. I might've almost bought the ad if, for instance, it mentioned:
  • Nov. 1, 1945: The first issue of Ebony, a national black press publication, hit newstands. Founder John H. Johnson was the first black person to appear on the Forbes 400 Rich List, and had a fortune estimated at close to $600 million.
  • Dec. 23, 1867: Birth of Madame C.J. Walker, inventor of black hair care products, including a crude verison of today's hair relaxer, and the first self-made black female millionaire.

or better yet . . .

  • Laurence Fishburn starred in Cornbread, Earl & Me ("they shot Cornbread!!!") and the television movie about the Tuskegee Airmen. The Army Air Corps' all African American 100th Pursuit Squadron, later designated a fighter squadron, was activated at Tuskegee Institute. The squadron served honorably in England and in other regions of the European continent during World War II.

See how I skillfully combined cornbread and the Tuskegee Airmen???

Anyhoo, the ad mentioned nothing regarding black history. Instead we get a pic of a Dark & Lovely box. If anything, I think this stupid ad is a prime example of why Black History Month is still needed (I love you Morgan Freeman, but yous a dayum fool!), though it clearly needs a reworking.

So, since some folks need a lesson, we'll all get a short one today.

February 10, 1964: Today is the birthday of the Civil Rights Act of 1964. This is a very important moment for every American.

"After 12 days of debate and voting on 125 amendments, the U.S. House of Representatives passed the Civil Rights Act of 1964 by a vote of 290-130. The bill prohibited any state or local government or public facility from denying access to anyone because of race or ethnic origin. It further gave the U.S. Attorney General the power to bring school desegregation law suits. The bill allowed the federal government the power to bring school desegregation law suits and to cut off federal funds to companies or states who discriminated. It forbade labor organizations or interstate commercial companies from discriminating against workers due to race or ethnic origins. Lastly, the federal government could compile records of denial of voting rights. After passage in the House, the bill went to the Senate, which after 83 days of debate passed a similar package on June 19 by a vote of 73 to 27. President Lyndon Johnson signed the legislation on July 2. Later, future Georgia governor Lester Maddox would become the first person prosecuted under the Civil Rights Act." (

Peace, love, and thanks to Madame C.J. Walker, hair grease!

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Everyone has AIDS

Last night, Sharky and I went to the dollar theatre to see Rent, and boy did it suck? Blow? Oh, it just plain whack! We shoulda saved his money (at $2 per ticket, he was a big spender) and watched my copy of Team America: World Police. The "Everyone Has AIDS" scene was quite an accurate depiction of Rent, which dragged on and on and on, making me wish that I would die (but not from AIDS).

So, why did I hate the movie so? Let's make a list, shall we?

  1. Aren't musicals supposed to have some dialogue? I mean, the cast (except for Rosairo Dawson) had amazing voices, but JESUS H. CHRISTO, shouldn't they have spoken for at least 5 consecutive minutes before breaking into song?
  2. I'm mad at Taye Diggs for marrying a man. OK, Idina Menzell is a celebrated broadway actress and really does have a beautiful voice, but I'll be doggon' if she don't look like a man in drag. Shit, she made the Angel character look more femme! And I think people with pasty white asses should not moon anyone!
  3. Rosario Dawson. Bless her, but she couldn't carry a tune if it had a Prada handle. They engineered her voice to death. Was her voice anywhere in there? If not, they might've been doing the viewing public a service.
  4. I can't see Anthony Rapp as anyone but Darryl from Adventures in Babysitting. That was one of my favorite movies growing up. I actually bought the DVD right before Christmas for my momma. "Nobody leaves this club without singin the blues!"
  5. Jesse L. Martin and that shitty Santa Fe song. God, I love me some Jesse L. Martin. God, I hated that whole scene in the subway where they sang a song about owing a restaurant in Santa Fe. It was just dumb (I couldn't come up with anything more clever to say).
  6. Where was all the AIDS? I mean, there was an occassional mention of AZT time, and a few AIDS support group meetings, but it really didn't make a statement at all about AIDS. I was expectin some quiltin or some more deaths or something. I left the movie thinking nothing about AIDS. I was actually more concerned about paying rent that was 2 years late.
  7. Back to Rosario, or well, Mimi. That had to be the most ridiculous character in the history of film. On what planet is a smackwhore stripper with AIDS a good catch? Really? Can someone tell me where? Oh, and that whole waking up from dying to heard dude's song just made me want to rip my eyes out. I think Sharky actually threw a coke bottle toward the screen. I mean, she seriously popped up like she wasn't on death's door 2 minutes before. Then to top it all all, she saw a white light!!! JESUS, who wrote this shit? Oh yea, that guy who died of AIDS. My bad.

So Sharky and I sat through the whole horrid thing and felt dumber for having watched it. Actually, we agreed that Rent was more brokeback than Brokeback Mountain. In fact, now I'm going to take him to see Brokeback just to cleanse his mind of Rent.

Monday, February 06, 2006

And for the record . . .

My lil Tracy is NOT an appliance wrecker. Shame on whomever started that rumor (and we all know who you are, so I ain't gotta say your name, PUNK!)!!!

Can non-black people be GHETTO?

Why yes they can. Case in point:

Shorty and I threw a party for Rosey Palm this weekend. We sent out an evite with about 60 invitees. In the party description, I said "feel free to invite anyone we may have forgotten." Now, to grown ass folks with the sense the good Lord gave them, that means "feel free to bring your sweetie or your sister or someone I simply forgot to add because I didn't have their email address." That DID NOT mean "feel free to invite about 20 random ass folks that I don't know and who don't even know who the birtday girl is."

Well, you guess it. Someone being of not so sound mind and body decided to invite an entourage of randoms who stole 1 cell phone, 1 digital camera, and a bottle of wine. Oh, it gets worse. Those suckas also broke Shorty's stove! WTF?

Now, everyone at the party was in their late 20s and early 30s, professionals, or graduate or professional students. So, how the hell do you have theiving folks who destroy home appliances? Well folks, no matter how old or educated some people get, they still act like fuckin idiots. I wouldn't say ghetto, cuz except for me and a couple other guests (my sister and my friend's date), they weren't black. There sure were a lot of NDNS though. I guess the more proper term would be REZZED OUT!

So, the moral of the story is that from now on, my parties will be invite-only (and I know some folks who will NOT be on that last). Having said that, the party was actually really fun and the overwhelming majority of folks behaved like grown folks should.

Sunday, February 05, 2006

No New Flavor OF Love Tonight Folks

So go play on your "Internets" elsewhere!

If you must stay, here are the rundowns from all 5 episodes plus some FOL X-tras!

Episode 1
Episode 2
Episode 3
Episode 4
Episode 5
Meet the Groupies

Next week - Brigitte!

Saturday, February 04, 2006

Flavor of Love Newsflash

I'm sittin at home, mindin my own biz-nezz, when I see PUMPKIN from Flavor of Love on that MTV show NEXT. I wish I were kidding. She's clearly older than the rest of the girls on the bus as evidenced by her need for an eye lift. She also didn't get to go on a date. Poor thing!

Friday, February 03, 2006

A trip . . . fall . . . tumble down memory lane

Ya'll know I love music, especially black music (and no, Hootie does NOT count as black music). I even like bad black music (and apparently, I'm not the only one. It's no coincidence that Three 6 Mafia, who brought us hits like Sippin on Some Syzurp, Tear the Club Up, and Stay Fly, was nominated for and OSCAR!?!?!). Why? Because it brings back memories, and mostly happy ones since I've had a really good life.

On that note, I may be dating myself here, but I'm really excited that Keith Sweat is coming to town. Now, now. I know I don't look a day over 21, but I'm old enough to remember Keith and his whining, moaning voice that made all the ladies cream (back then, I think I was too young to cream). Make it Last, I Want Her, Twisted, Nobody . . . all of these songs bring back wonderful memories. Even though I've always thought that Keith wasn't much of a singer, I love me some Keith Sweat. He's an R&B icon because his music provided the soundtrack for a lot of baby makin in the late 80s and early 90s.

Anyhoo, I was having drinks with some of my peeps last night and The Rock told me that Keith would be joined by Shai!! Even Scrappy, the rocker chick, said she wanted to hit the show. Who didn't slow drag to If I Ever Fall In Love? I wondered what happened to them. Now I know. They're opening for Keith Sweat at a casino, where once-popular singers go to die with their old ass fans (myself included I guess cuz I'm goin to see Keith and Shai!).

After most of the group took off, me, The Rock, and Qtee headed over to The Rock's new place, had a few beers, and took a musical trip down memory lane. He broke out all the 90s hits. Jodeci (my absolute favorite group of all time). TLC. Montel Jordan. Mary J. Blige. Hell, he even had Adina Howard and Domino. Even I didn't buy those CDs!!!

We laughed and drank and sang along with the songs. All the while, I was thinking "Self, you're getting old and turning into your parents." I'm now at the point in my life where I mostly listen to older music. I talk about how much most current music is shit. My I-Pod is filled with old school hits (from just about every genre) from the 70s, 80s, and 90s. I love my parent's music.

When did this happen to me? Am I the only one turning into my parents? I'm not even 30 yet for Chrissake!

So, I pose the following question to you: Am I the only one?

Oh Rudy!

Not only are Australians mean. They're also dirty!

Don't let the bed-bugs bite? Try stopping them!