Tuesday, January 31, 2006

FLAVOOORRR FLAAAAVVV!!! - Episode 5

Sorry I'm late again. a sista's been workin really hard lately. Here goes. . .
***
Once again, it's a beautiful day in the Flavor-hood. Smiley stepped up her game and makes Flav breakfast in bed.

Meanwhile, Big Rick delivers the next Flav-o-Gram. The ladies need to throw on their "slamminest dress" and pack up because they're headed to Vegas!!! The crowd roars! The girls primp and go. Flav, who's feeling like "Big Willy" waits for the girls in front of a private jet which was clearly provided by VH1, but these chicken heads might be fooled into thinking it's his. Am I psychic? Call me Miss Cleo cuz Hot Mess is already scoping out which jet will be hers! The ladies board the jet, but what's the matter with Pumpkin? Awww, she's skird!

Viva Las Vegas! Hot Mess feels completely at home in Vegas because the people wear what they want and do what they want. That may be true, but it don't make it right! Anyway, Flav tells the ladies that they have a surprise waiting for them at the Hard Rock. They arrive at the suite to a rack of gowns. That was actually very nice. Thanks VH1!

They all hit the Roulette table. Each lady gets $100 and 10 minutes to play. Whomever wins the most money gets a special date with Flav. They pretty much suck, but who doesn't at Roulette. That's the shittiest game in the casino. Most of the girls are out in a few minutes. Oyster wins $155. Smiley wins $110 and a nasty kiss from Flav. New York gives Flav a rub down with her booty for good luck, then stacks the chips. I'll be damned if it worked because she came away with $465. Pumpkin is up next. . .

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Pumpkin's strategy is to put a lilttle money on a lot of numbers. It seems to work because she's winning (and kissing Flav at the same time - ick!). In the end, she was no competition for New York.

New York (aka Tranny) and Flav head to dinner. Tranny told Flav that when they come together, they're going to explode. Most times, explosions are BAD!!! Oh it gets worse. The make out for about 8 minutes. I saw more man-on-man action this episode than I did in Brokeback Mountain. Flav is lovin Tranny becaues she treats him like he wants to be treated (I hear Jodeci in the background). However, he's bothered because she's just a little too territorial. Still, she tells him "I Love You." BARF!!!

Meanwhile, the other girls head to Club Paradise and worked the pole. I told ya'll they were strippers!!! They also clown on Red Oyster because they know she's a snitch.

Everyone meets up again and the girls are jealous of Tranny. You've got to be kidding me! They get back on the plane and head home!

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Back at the mansion, the girls are doing their thing. Goldie asks Hot Mess "how long is your real hair?" to which Hot Mess replies "this is my real hair." Goldie laughs out loud, and rightly so.

PAUSE. I do have to take just a moment and pause the live recap to proclaim to the world that Hottie is a fuckin liar! A black girl can spot a weave a mile away, and a bad one like Hottie's can be spotted from the stratosphere. Who does that bitch think she's foolin? That's why I renamed her Hot Mess! UNPAUSE.

Goldie tells the camera that Hot Mess's hair looks attrocious and lo and behold, she repeats my above sentiment. Balck girls unite! Anyhoo, Hot Mess sticks to her story. Poor delusional woman.

Big Rick brings in the next Flav-o-gram. Looks like Flav is going to test the ladies using his 5 senses and the winner, of course, gets a private date with him. Red Oyster wins the airhead award because she thinks the challenge will have something to do with appliances because the clue contained the work "electrifying." Bitch, he said 5 senses! Get a clue.

The ladies get ready. Hot Mess starts curling her real (or really fake) hair and sausages herself into another dress that's not quite her size. In all, they look like a bunch of hookers (except Goldie who always looks appropriate). Flav, who's wearing a blindfold, tells the ladies that he needs a woman that will please all of his senses. So he's giving them "5 testses:"
  • Smell
  • Touch
  • Taste
  • Feel
  • Sight
  • Hearing

Hmmmm. That's 6 and I don't think Flav has the 6th sense. Let's just collapse Touch and Feel into one category, shall we? Of course, the girl with the highest score wins the special date.

Smell: Here's a rundown:

  • Pumpkin smells like bacon. Flav likes bacon, so she scores a 7.
  • Hot Mess smells like mushrooms. Flav no likey mushrooms, so she scores a 4.
  • Red Oyster smells like spaghetti sauces. That's an 8.
  • Goldie smells like chicken wings. That's an 8.
  • Hoopz is fried rice. That's an 8.
  • Smiley is a steak. That's a 9.
  • New York is broccoli. That's a 9. Broccoli a 9? WTF?

Sound. The ladies get to sing the last line of the Star Spangled Banner. For those of you who don't know, that's "O're the land of the free, and the home of the FLAV!" I won't waste your time or mine recapping each bad performance. All I'll say is these are some tone-def bitches. Hot Mess, a classically trained singer, also sounds like a hot mess, but that should surprise no one. Goldie says "I guess there's something that she has to offer to the world, and I guess that's the gift of song." Did I mention that Goldie is likely my kindred spirit (except for the fact that she's actually on this show, that is). Smiley and New York are still the two ladies left to beat.

Taste. Flav licks the ladies. I know, I know. My stomach just curdled a little too. Anyway, each girl sits on his lap and Flav takes a lip. Pumpkin notes that Flav has to know it's Hot Mess on his lap because she feels heavy. New York gave Flav his (and yes, I mean his) forehead to taste. Smiley went all out and stuck her tongue down his throat. That girl is in it to win it. Uh oh, Smiley takes the lead.

Touch. Flav feels a whole lot of T & A. Still, Smiley is 1 point ahead of New York.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Sight. This promises to be interesting. The women have to dance for Flav behind a screen, so all he sees is silhouettes.

  • Pumpkin: She can't help that she's white with no rhythm. I need to send her to my girl Melissa for some lessons. She scores a 5.
  • Hot Mess: She's got a can and she's shakin her rump - but somehow I neither want to zoom zoom zoom or a boom boom. Her flaps of fat are not well contained in that outfit taht threatens to pop apart from all the pressure at any moment. She scores a 7.
  • Red Oyster: She suffers from the same affliction as Pumpkin. That's a shame because I've seen some Asians dance their asses off. She scores a 5.
  • Goldie: She shook it for Carolina and used a few obscene gestures with Flav's cane. She scores a 7.
  • Hoopz: I know she's a stripper in real life. Hell, she does the splits. She scores an 8.
  • Smiley: She's takin her clothes off. VH1 had to blurr out her nipples. OOOOH, she's a skank! She scores a 9.
  • New York: She starts out working it like a real stripper, but then her ass stumbles while she's on her knees. LMAO. Oh, I'm still laughing. A lonely teardrop just came down my cheek. She scores an 8.

So, the big winner is Smiley! She's in tune with all of Flav's senses. Their date is in the bubble bath. How is that a date exactly? Am I the only one who thinks that Smiely would be shaped like a man if she didn't have the fake boobies? Oh well. They make out in the tub. I'm grossed out, are you? I think i just saw Flav's tongue. ICKY!

Meanwhile, Red Oyster, Hot Mess and New York are in the kitchen talking about who they would like to see elininated. Hot Mess says she wouldn't mind seeing New York go home! Well, a catfight ensues, and New York insists that she "ain't goin mothafuckin nowhere" because she's "in the mothafuckin house!" Oh Lord. Red Oyster was just quiet.

Flav is ready to do some eliminatin. Again, it's an easy choice for him.

In the phone room, you see Red Oyster checking her messages. Apparently, there's som bad news. Yeah right. This is just their way of getting the plant off the show.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Time to see who knows what time it is. Smiley feels ok because she had a good date with him New York is unsure. Hot Mess calls New York bi-polar. Ain't that the pot tryin to smut the kettle?

So who get's to stay?

  • Smiley
  • Pumpkin
  • Hoopz
  • Goldie

But wait, Red Oyster steps out and eliminates herself. Her father was in a serious accident and she's gotta go. Am I the only one not buying that? She was a plant. A big red one! Flav tells her that he would've chosen her to stay.

Red Oyster says her goodbyes. New York tells her that she was the only one in the house she respected. Hot Mess tells her that the same thing happened to her in college, to which Red Oyster replies "Shut up, bitch . . . don't make it about you." DAYUM!!!

But wait! Of New York or Hot Mess, who was supposed to go? Hmmm. I'd guess Hot Mess, but Flav's not telling! Even when New York asks to know, he tells her "if you was gonna get a clock, you would've got a clock. If you wasn't gonna get a clock, you wasn't gonna get a clock." Thanks for clarifying that Flav.

Next week, Brigitte is comin. I'll try my best to get this done on time!!!

7 Comments:

Blogger Rudy Zarsov said...

I cant wait til I'm in USA just so I can watch this gem of intellectual brilliance. We are so uncooth in Australia that a fine artistic programe like this one IS NOT EVEN SHOWN.

2/01/2006 4:13 PM  
Blogger foxxxylove said...

And that truly is unfortunate! You are missing a gem.

2/01/2006 5:07 PM  
Anonymous Maria said...

What really got me about Red Oyster's phone call was how the friend couldn't tell her anything about her dad's condition. All she said was the car was totalled, which means nothing - my Dad walked away from an accident that totalled his car! I agree, she's a total plant. And didn't it seem just a tad too obvious that VH1 picked that moment for her to step forward and interrupt things? They waited till then just to get New York and Hot Mess all worked up so we're sure to see more drama. I'm a bit disappointed in how obvious VH1 was about that - but then again, this whole show is a bit of a mess. ;)

2/01/2006 6:52 PM  
Anonymous maria said...

Also - what is it with Flav sayin to New York that he was gonna have his lips on other women after this show? I thought the whole point of the show was for him to find his "true love!" ;)

That whole make-out scene with New York made me sick!

2/01/2006 6:54 PM  
Blogger foxxxylove said...

I gotta agree. Anything near Flav's lips sets off my gag reflex. He's so disgusting. That's why watching is so funny. These women, who are for the most part pretty (in the average everyday sense) are pimpin themselves out for a man who looks and acts like a Gremlin. C'mon ladies. I know times are hard, especially for women of color, but they ain't THAT bad!

2/02/2006 1:20 PM  
Blogger Rudy Zarsov said...

I agree with you, Foxxxy, especially as I am available.
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2/02/2006 5:09 PM  
Blogger Miss Smartee Pants said...

My gawd!!! It's better than watching the real thing . . .

2/07/2006 4:58 PM  

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