Sunday, January 22, 2006

Flavor of Love Recap - Episode 4, Booooooiiiiiiiii!

Welcome back kiddies. Here’s the extensive recap of Episode 4.

The ladies are sleeping sound in their beds, while visions of Flavor Flav dance in their heads. All of a sudden, Flav bursts in and wakes up the girls and they all line up the stairwell to hear the special news.

While the ladies are waiting, Goldie remarks that Hottie looks like a broke Gomer Pyle with her whack boogie-woogie-bugle-boy-inspired togs. It’s funny because it’s true!

Flav’s got a special guest for the ladies this fine Sunday morning. They’re goin to church with Anna Drake, aka Momma Flav. The girls have exactly a half hour to change into their “chuuuch” gear. Poor New York can’t get ready in 30 minutes. I mean, it takes that long to tuck her dick between her butt cheeks and shave that 5 o’clock shadow.

Meanwhile, Momma Flav is watching her watch. She likes to be prompt. I don’t mean no harm, but I see where Flav gets his looks from. Awwww, that was mean!

The ladies are ready, and for the most part, they look presentable. As usual, Hottie looks like a hot mess with a white dress and red “devlish” cape to the House of the Lord! No, no, no!

The ladies leave for church. The choir is workin it. Makes me wish I went to church this morning. Anyway, poor little Red Oyster is havin trouble keeping the beat, but Sweetie looks relieved to be there. Goldie is in tears. Apparently, her mother passed away recently (poor Goldie). All the girls seem moved – all except New York who is plottin to get closer to Momma Flav.

After church, the ladies and Momma Flav go to tea. She will speak with each lady individually. Goldie looks like she connects with Mamma Flav. Sweetie looks like she’s boring Momma Flav. Momma is busy lookin at her biscuit instead of listening to Sweetie's drivel. Hottie tries to suck up to Momma Flav with her extensive list of "accomplishments." And then there’s New York. She tells Momma Flav that she’s “a pure woman” and she’s truly in LOVE with Flav. She’s full of more shit than a port-a-potty at the state fair.


Flav shows Momma the clocks with the girls’ faces and asks for her opinion. Momma Flav keyed in on Hottie. Flav says he’s gonna try to “rub her tonight.” Momma looks like she’s about to smack the shit out of him, just like a good black momma should. Anyway, Momma didn’t connect with Hoopz and she really didn’t like Sweetie, who she described as desperate to win.

Flav decides to spend some one-on-one time with each of the girls. That’s 8 girls at 1 hour each. Here’s a lil recap-let of each date.

  • Hoopz is first and she’s workin it. Flav wants to put his finger on it.
  • Goldie is #2. Flav wants to see “what’s goin on with the Country Bumpkin.”
  • Pumpkin rocks with Flav.
  • Hottie’s got big knockers, which Flav plants his face in.
  • New York thinks Flav has “a lot of meat waiting” for her.
  • Flav falls asleep on Oyster and she looks disgusted/annoyed because he’s snoring all on her. Probably drooling too.
  • Sweetie tells Flav “I just want you.” ICK. BLECK. So now she’s ridin on top of him like the freak she is. I knew she was perpetrating and Flav isn’t fooled either. Remember, Momma didn’t like Sweetie either.
  • Smiley will have to have her date the next day because both she and Flav are wiped out.

Flav lays gets ready to go to bed when he receives an ominous knock on the door. Duhn, duhn, duhn!


Who’s knockin? Hoopz & Pumpkin. Then comes New York. One wonders how she hid her pee-pee in that itty bitty outfit. Flav brings passion out of her. Grrrrr! Oh, and she says he can’t keep his hands off of her. Cut to a shot of Flav snoring while New York takes his hands and puts them on her.

It’s morning, and we get to wake up to a shot of Flav’s nasty ass feet. AHHHHH! Ok, now that you’re finished throwing up, Flav talks about waking up in a Hoopz/Pumpkin sammich and how he was gonna do it to them! This is the part where you throw up some more. Finished? Let’s move on.

Flav meets the girls in the hot tub. Hottie says she’s 38-26-36. BULLSHIT! Oyster says the only 26 on Hottie is her thick neck. Dayum! I was thinking the same thang!

While in the hot tub, Flav challenges the girls to a cook-off because he loves a girl that can cook. The winner get’s a date with Flav. Why do I think Goldie has this one on lock? Sweetie claims she’s skird – that’s right, skird – of raw chicken. Sweetie’s chicken phobia comes from being bitten by a rooster when she was a little kid. Seriously. Could I make this up?

In the kitchen, Big Rick tells the ladies they have 30 minutes to make chicken. Hoopz is at home in the kitchen. Pumpkin is gonna follow the recipe because she’s never made fried chicken before. Sweetie is freakin out. Hottie knows that her chicken because she was raised a vegetarian, so hers will have lots of fresh veggies. She’s stuffing it with whole carrots, French onions, and jelly! Yes folks, jelly (not syrup). She puts it in the microwave and punches the chicken button. I echo Goldie’s sentiment. “Bitch is crazy!!!


Dinner time!!! Momma Flav is back and she’s gonna comment on each tray of chicken while Flav tastes it. Here we go:

  • Tray #1 (Hoopz) and Tray #2 (Sweetie) look good and agree with Flav’s discriminating palate.
  • Tray #3 (Oyster)looks like chicken bite-lets, but it was made with love.
  • Tray #4 (New York), Tray #5 (Smiley), Tray #6 (Goldie) were all ok, but nothing special.
  • Tray #7 (Pumpkin) is not done. Flav heads to the potty and throws it right back up. At least Pumpkin knows her chicken is better than Hottie’s.
  • Tray #8 (Hottie) looks much like the cook, a hot, raw mess. I swear that thing had eyes on it. That girl is a nutjob, and the fattest vegetarian I’ve ever seen!

It’s a showdown Hoopz and Sweetie, but ultimately, Hoopz wins the date with Flav and Momma Flav! She’s ecstatic. They go to a soul food restaurant. Hoopz and Momma Flav hit it off. Momma says Hoopz is loving and has a wonderful personality. Good think because Hoopz is my #2 pick – I’m still a Goldie fan through and through.

Clock time! Flav’s gotta cut one lady, and he knows right away who it will be.


As usual, the women are nervous about elimination. Sweetie thinks that Hottie is on her way out because of the raw chicken.

Who knows what time it is?

  • Pumpkin – she apologizes about the chicken.
  • Red Oyster – she made it through, but she still has to room with Hottie. Poor thing.
  • Hoopz – she’s happy to be part of the final 7.
  • New York – she wasn’t surprised, but she was glad she didn’t have to wait to get her clock from her man. Oh Jesus, help me.
  • Goldie – g’on big country! Gotta love a girl from NC (especially Goldie and me, Foxxxy)!!
  • Smiley – she never got her date, but she’s still in the running.
  • Hottie – Nobody clapped for her. Maybe it was that spaceship dress with the cutouts on the side with her fat thrusting through the holes. Or, maybe it was her chicken. Hmmm.

So Sweetie’s gotta go. Flav thought she wasn’t feelin him and that she wasn’t real.

She’s not feeling him? Is this a joke? Apparently not to Sweetie. She unleashes her wrath. She cooked chicken for him despite her chicken-phobia. She waited up at night for her whack date. This is all true, but she didn’t stop there. She notes that Flav is a reflection of the company he keeps, and judging from what’s left in the house, he must not be feelin himself! BAM! She’s right again. Look at who’s left. 2 girls who were so stupid that they couldn’t figure out how to cook chicken, an instigator who might actually be a man, a gold-digging narcissist with ill-fitting clothes, and a dirty rat. I can’t disagree with Sweetie, but girl, GET A GRIP! It’s Flavor Fuckin Flav, not Morris Chestnut!

Flav and the girls are shocked as no one expected that kind of tirade from Sweetie. Flav responds in a suprisingly appropriate manner. “Hottie, I’m just not feelin you. Your time is up!” Well said, Flav. The remaining 7 toast to Flav while he pours out a little for Sweetie.


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