Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Flavor of Love - Episode 3 Kinda Live Recap

Sorry I've been slackin on my pimpin. I went to a wedding Sunday, so I missed Flav and I'm just getting around to watching the recording.

It's a beautiful morning at the macadocious mansion, and some of the ladies are sitting outside discussing what they would do for real love. Hottie chimes in that she would do what she gotta to do to win, including "going through people's luggage" and "cutting up clothes." WOW. Now that's love!

Cut to the dining room and the newest Flavor-gram. Flav wants to take Sweetie, Peaches, New York, Hottie, and Red Oyster for a date to meet some "old friends" of his. At the end, he'll choose one lady for some one-on-one time. They ladies squeal with excitement, but really, what for? I mean, don't they see what's coming from a mile away?

The ladies frantically get dressed with hopes of meeting the likes of Bill Clinton, Madonna, and Public Enemy. Now, I completely understand PE, but Bill Clinton and Madonna? Are these broads on crack?

The ladies line up at the bottom of the stairs. At this point, we get our first peek at their outfits. GOOD GOD! I think my eyes just cracked. Let's go down the line, shall we (thank the Lord for pause and rewind!)?

  • New York (aka Check the Neck): She has on a halter top exposing her droopy titties, and some knee-high boots. What? Now skirt or pants? Not that I can see.
  • Red Oyster (aka Dirty Rat): She's wearing a mermaid-neck dress in red, of course.
  • Peachez (aka white chick): She looks like a broke down rocker chick in a little mid-drift shirt showing off her lack of titties (at least they're not droopy), some black pants, and some Dock Martin-ish shoes.
  • Sweetie (aka, aw hell, she's so boring that she doesn't deserve a nickname): But she does have on the most disastrous outfit. She's rockin a camouflage top with her boobies bubbling out. But that's the classy part. Her bottoms are camouflage too, but one leg is long and the other is short (ya'll remember that out fit that Cat had on in the Prince and Sheena Easton video for You've Got the Look?). Then this bitch has the nerve to have on some silvery sandals. Tisk tisk!
  • Hottie (aka Hot Mess): Hottie's horrible outfit comes in a close second to Sweetie's. She's got on one of those played out jersey dresses from about 4 seasons ago, but this one is asymmetrical and off the shoulder with one long sleeve. Then that bitch has the nerve to had a draw string at the bottom to make the dress shorter so that I have to look at more of those ham hocks she calls thighs. GROSS!

Flav walks down the stairs. Does anyone else think Bobby Brown will look like Flav in a few years time? Anyway, the ladies get into the limo, and off they go . . . and pull up to a senior center. Ahhh, "OLD FRIENDS!" Flav tells the ladies to rub his elderly friends the right way, so that later he can rub the ladies the right way (If Johnny Gill were dead - and we don't rightly know that he isn't - he'd be rolling over in his grave right now). Flav needs a woman that can take care of him in his senior years. So, the ladies roll out of the limo and Flav give New York an affectionate smack on the arse. Let the fun begin!

The ladies walk into the center and almost immediately regret their wardrobe choices (They should've rethought that garbage anyway because they all looked like trash). So, they play with the old folks. Crusty-foot Grandma puts her feet up and asks the ladies to lotion them. YUCKO! Granny Gums wants New York to put in her dentures. New York throws up in her mouth a little bit, then goes outside to smoke. She gets caught by Flav, but she just doesn't care. I don't half blame her. When Granny Gums asks Sweetie the same favor, she gladly obliges. She's a trooper, but, in the infamous words of Whitney Houston, HEYALL TO THE NAW!


The ladies complete the challenge and walk out of the Center. Flav decides that he's gonna take Sweetie on a private dinner because she came through with the dentures. She's a champ, so Flav is gonna take her to a romantic spot. Well, seeing his old friends makes me think that the spot isn't gonna be quite so romantic. This could either be one of 2 things. Flav could take Sweetie to my favorite Scottish restaurant, McDonald's OR this could turn into Fear Factor. Either way, I feel sad for Sweetie because now she's gotta be alone with that imp.

Back at the house, Pumpkin and Hoopz are lookin at pics of Serious. They think Serious is there for career exposure. Hmmmm. I know Pumpkin won't get too much exposure for her substoot teechr/cheerleading coach/hypnotist assistant careers, but last time I checked, Hoopz is a model too (CLICK HERE).

Anyhoo, Sweetie gets ready for her din-din with Flav. she even sprays a lil perfume on her crotch for good luck (oh ladies, don't act like you don't do it too!). She walks down the stairs to meet Flav, who's dressed in a came colored shirt and pants (I know he's almost a medical midget, but do his clothes have to make him look so small?). They're off to his favorite romantic spot. They pull up to RED LOBSTER. That's right folks. RED LOBSTER! Flav says it was always an elegant place until it got too popular. Lemme repeat that for ya. It was always an elegant place until it got too popular. I know. My brain hurts too.

The two toast with some red wine, likely the house Chablis (and that's pronounced sha-blee for those of you that's aren't sophisticated enough to dine at Red Lobster). What in the hell? Flav eats like a pig, or in his case, a piglet. I love lobster, but somehow, I just lost my appetite. So did Sweetie.

Meanwhile, the ladies at the house are picking on Pumpkin for being so damn white. So, to de-whiten her, they teach her how to dance? I know. Makes little sense to me too, but what is a television show featuring black people without some shuckin and jivin? Suffice it to say that no amount of black-girl-dancing lessons was gonna help Pumpkin, who thought OG stood for Olive Garden (hell, that would've even been a better choice than Red Lobster).

An speaking of restaurants, back to the Red Lobster where Flav tells the waitress that Sweetie is his dessert and "it don't hurt to flirt with dessert. Ask Captain Kirk." Hmmm. Is it any wonder why Chuck D did most of the rappin and Flav was just the hype man?

Sweetie can tell where this conversation is about to go and replies "Beam me up Scotty." Girl, there is no help for you now! Flav then asks how long it would take to taste Sweetie's mouth. Well, if he'd tried, her mouth would've tasted like vomit because the look on her face tells me she was just about to blow chunks. I even threw up in my mouth a little bit. In good girl fashion, Sweetie tells Flav that she's not that girl and would not kiss him for several more weeks. [Insert sigh of relief here]. Flav is a little disheartened because he likes girls that are a challenge, but he also likes easy girls. OK.

So, as they leave Red Lobster, Sweetie tells the camera that she's actually attracted to Flav (cough *BULLSHIT* cough). Flav says that Sweetie is indeed a sweetie, but probably a little too sweet for the game.

Back at the crib, New York is starting a fight . . . again. Apparently, her jacket is missing and she thinks Hottie stole it. Well, Hottie did say she would go through luggage and cut up clothes, so she's the most obvious suspect.

The ladies go to Hottie's room to watch the confrontation, but Hottie denies taking New York's jacket. I don't think she took it. If she did, she'd admit it because she's just that crazy. New York waxes poetic about how she's a bitch to the core and a wolf, but Hottie is worse because she smiles in people's faces and is a wolf in sheep's clothing. WOW. New York does look like a wolf, huh? In response, Hottie says that everyone is jealous because people say she reminds them of Beyonce! Lemme repeat. Hottie thinks she looks like Beyonce. OK, are we back on track? Good. New York says Hottie looks more like Luther Vandross. This is where I must disagree because New York is dead wrong. Hottie does NOT look as good as Luther, may he rest in peace (Now, Luther and Johnny Gill are rolling over).


Picture Hottie doing something that looks like Yoga or Tai Chi. Goldie (my absolute favorite) comments that Hottie is "2 chocolate chips short of a cookie." BWAAAAAAHHHHHH! I love that girl!

2nd Flavor-Gram time. Today, Pumpkin, Goldie, Hoopz, Smiley and Serious get to go with Flav to throw a party for some of his buddies. At the end, Flav will choose one of the ladies for a private date. Also, 2 ladies will go home next elimination.

Of course, in New York fashion, she starts trippin, commenting that she thought she should be going and that she didn't want Flav to go without her. BITCH, you went on the first date. This group is for the ladies who DID NOT go on the first date. ARE YOU CRAZY? Oh wait, yeah she is. Anyway, she starts crying, convincing Red Oyster, the dirty rat, that she really is in love with Flav. Now, we know Oyster is a plant, but she can't be that stupid. Everything about New York is staged, like a drag queen from Paris is Burning.

Back to the ladies chosen for the date. This group looks much more sensible than the other, but that ain't sayin too much.

  • Smiley (aka HO): Barely has anything on. She's got a piece of cloth covering the hot spots, but it's ugly! She's the hot mess of this group.
  • Pumpkin (aka Substoot Teechr): She's got on a simple black asymmetrical strapless dress with a silver tie.
  • Hoopz (aka Hooker): She's got on a red skirt and a belly-baring tee.
  • Goldie (aka The One I Want to Win!): She's wearing a really pretty blue faux wrap dress. G'on Goldie! This is the best ensemble I've seen the entire show.
  • Serious (aka Dull Model): She's wearin a long black skirt and a jean halter top of which her boobies are threatening to pop out.

Meanwhile, New York is cryin to Flav about not being able to go on the date. The rest of the girls think she's nuts and fake. They're not wrong. Flav comforts her by smacking her ass. Joy.
The ladies and Flav load up in the limo and pull up to the park. They're about to play with the kids. I mean, Flav does have 6 now and wants 4 more. PAUSE. This negro wants 4 more. If you'll recall, he can't pay for the one's he already has. This is why our people will never rise up and overcome. UNPAUSE.

The ladies are running Lulu's birthday party. They've got a strict schedule to follow because Lulu's momma is a Nazi. Goldie says there's too much on the schedule, while Pumpkin isn't worried because she's a substoot teechr and cheerleading coach. Why do I have a feeling that we'll be hearing about this more than once? We'll count this as 1.

These kids are bad-asses. They're breaking raw eggs, jumpin all over the place, and one has a shitty diaper and he did not like Pumpkin. Smiley is being bossy. Goldie gets barfed on (but she's used to vomit). Serious face paints. In all, it looks like everyone is having a good time but Pumpkin.

Flav comes out and comments on each of the girls. Pumpkin's feelings get hurt because she's the most distant. She takes it personal because, she is after all a substoot teechr and cheerleading coach (that's 2). So who wins the mystery date? Stay tuned.


Looks like Serious is the winner because the kids liked her the most. Funny thing is Serious doesn't feel like she's good with kids. Better luck next time Goldie.

Back at the house, Sweetie talks to Hottie and Red Oyster about Flav's advances. Both ladies say that they would've done it to Flav if he'd asked them. Clearly, those two are in it to win it.
The date girls return and pumpkin is crying because she's a substoot teechr and cheerleading coach (that's 3) and Flav told her she sucked! Peachez tells Pumpkin to talk to Flav before he makes the elimination.

In another room, New York asks Serious if she's ok. Apparently, Hoopz takes that as a sign that New York is tryin to start something. Both of them are clearly nuts. New York's message to Hoopz is that she's gonna claw her way to Flav's heart because he's just amazing and that's her man. ICK!

Serious and Flav leave for their date - a dinner in the backyard. This time Flav has on a white and black pinstriped suit and a hat. He still looks like a midget in a grown man's suit. Serious is wearing what she calls a dress. I wouldn't though.

So, they start conversing about whether or not Serious finds Flav, a 46-year-old man attractive. She lies and says yes (but I guess she's gotta if she wants to win). Meanwhile, Red Oyster is spying on their date. She also thinks Serious is there to further her modeling career. Dayum Oyster is a rat. Well, I don't think Flav is feeling Serious is sincere, so they end their date and he walks her to her bedroom.

Flav wants to vibe with Pumpkin. She tells him that she's a substoot teechr and cheerleading coach (that's 4), and that his comments about the challenge hurt her. So, to prove how good she is with kids, she kisses Flav. YUCK!

Red Oyster, the dirty rat, goes straight to Flav and tells him that she thinks Serious is insincere. Flav agrees, and the two part ways. Now, it's clock time!


Flav has to choose 2 girls to leave. All of the girls are nervous. Goldie is "skird!" Did I mention that I want Goldie to win? Well, who knows what time it is?

  • Red Oyster - they've got a connection. She's his rat.
  • Sweetie - even though she didn't put out.
  • Pumpkin - that kiss worked for her.
  • Smiley - I have no clue why, but she's still there.
  • Goldie - Yeeeuh!
  • Hottie - no one ever claps for her. She's a gold digger, but which one of these chicks isn't?
  • New York - cryin works every time, although I'm sure Red Oyster has been advocating for her, too.
  • Hoopz - she's the cutest one, so of course he's gonna keep her.

That means time is up for Serious and Peachez. Pity pity. In their parting words, here's what the 2 said.

  • Serious, who was crying, thought she felt a connection, but was feeling misunderstood. Flav is an intellectual and she loves that. Also, she's gonna like him all the way back to Atlanta. All the way back to Atlanta, huh? Now that's love!
  • Peachez is so sad because Flav is truly connected and speaks from a higher power and says so many inspirational things.

Are these bitches crazy? Well, of course they are. They wanna marry FLAVOR FLAV!!!!


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