Monday, January 09, 2006

When a tragedy is a comedy and vice versa

Me, Sharky, Romius, and Kenja watched Grizzly Man, a much-lauded documentary about Timothy Treadwell, a bear activist who spent 13 summers in Alaskan bear-country only to be mauled by the very animals he loved.

The Sundance award-winner was marketed as poignant story about a man, his bears, and the resulting tragedy.

Who was Timothy Treadwell? Was he an eco-warrior? An animal lover along the lines of Dian Fossey? A true hero? Sure. He was all of these and none of these at the same time. You see, Timothy Treadwell loved the bears and I believe he was sincere in his desire to protect them. He was also an anthropomorphic nutjob with an obvious death wish as he hung out with bears who are known to kill and eat people when they get hungry. This man was CRAZY and it showed throughout the entire film!!!!

In reality, Grizzly Man was the FUNNIEST shit I've seen in a while, and that's sayin a lot because we watched The 40-Year-Old Virgin afterward. Much like tards, it's not nice to laugh at people who die from a bear maulin', but I'll be damned if this wasn't the sleeper comedy of the year - and it wasn't meant to be funny at all.

In sharp contrast, do you know what is NOT funny? Emily's Reasons Why Not. That's the new Sex & the City-like sitcom featuring Heather Graham about a pretty white chick who just can't find a love. So, after a lifetime of dating disasters, Emily creates a rule where she will pay more attention to the "red-flags" that pop up during her relationships, and once she finds 5 reasons to NOT date her current squeeze, she'll break up with him.

In tonight's show, the dim bulb that is Emily starts dating a guy from Marketing who wouldn't get physical with her (boy do I know her pain - another post kiddies). Instead of just asking the man "que passo?," she and her even dimmer friends deduce that he's gay based on Emily's 5 reasons. Emily breaks up with him only to find out that he's not gay at all. SHOCKER! He's simply a Mormon virgin! Sounds like it should be funny, right? I mean, any joke where Mormon virgin is the punchline usually kills! Well, not in this case. Ooh, I think I just drooled on my laptop from the boredom-induced coma I feel into while watching this show.

So, to pay homage to the funniest and un-funniest viewing experiences I've had in the past few days, I present to you, my reading public . . .

Foxxxy Love's Reasons Why Not . . . to feel sorry for Timothy Treadwell or Heather Graham:

1. Tim CHOSE to hang out with bears! I know Tim loved the bears. But, as I said to Sharky this weekend, Crackheads love crack. That don't make it right.

2. Heather is a dough-eyed beauty, and as such, will find another crappy vehicle. I mean, look at Jessica Alba. She has no talent to speak of - aside from getting half-nekked - but people keep going to see her, right?

3. Tim's memory lives on through his 2 books, the 2 documentaries on his death, and his crazy followers. Did I mention that his followers are also nutjobs? Shit. His girlfriends even followed him out to the wilderness every summer, and one got mauled right by his side. Check out Grizzly Attack and Grizzly People.

4. Heather was in at least 2 of my favorite movies: Boogie Nights and License to Drive. In one, she was Rollergirl, a rollerskate wearing porn start. In the other, she was Mercedes, the object of Corey Haim's desire. I'm not saying that she was a highlight in either movie (although she gets nekked in Boogie Nights, which I'm sure means a lot to those who like boobies), but at least she was there. "Archie's! Come back! Come baaaaack!"

5. The bears were well fed that year. Ok, this one is a bit harsh, but funny, you must admit. One of the reasons Tim and his guest were served as bear lunch was due to the fact that there was not enough food for the bears to feast on that summer. So, when you think about it, he gave his life so the bears could live. Well . . . not really considering the rangers shot and killed the bear that contained about 4 garbage bags worth of Tim and Aimee's remains (and I'm so not kidding). Oh, the irony!

6. Heather could have it worse. John Stamos' show could come on before her show instead of after. Didn't his brother get all the talent in that family anyway? I heard he does a rousing rendition of Loving You.

So, if you're looking for a full-bellied chuckle, please rent Grizzly Man. Seriously, you'll laugh your ass off (even if you're not nearly as sick and twisted as I am). If you want a good nap, catch Emily's Reasons Why Not Mondays at 8pm. That was the best half-hour of rest I've had in days . . . years even.


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