Flavor Of Love - A Live Recap

FLAVOR FLAV!!!!!

I'm so excited to bring to you my live recap of the new Celebreality series, Flavor of Love, featuring one of my reality favorites, Flavor Flav!

Flav just wants to "share [his] world" with someone special, other than Brigette Nielsen because she's married. So why not find that special someone through a reality show? Hell, it worked for The Bachelor and Joe Millionaire. Ha! So, VH1 hooked my boy up with 20 beautiful (and this term is used loosely) women who will compete for the Flav's heart and bankroll. This is true love, American style.

The show opens with a montage displaying Flav's rise, fall, and rise to fame. He's like the proverbial Phoenix, I tell ya. He's got fame, money, and all of the finer things in life, including his "macadocious mansion," but like LL Cool J, he needs love. Enter the 20 chicks of all races, ages, and weave lengths. These girls are rarin to go and will do anything to get Flav's attention.

Here is but a sampling of what some of the beauties said in the first few minutes of the show:

• Seeing Flav back in the day let her know that it was okay to be loud and boisterous!
• One beauty said she was attracted to Flav because he has gold teeth, just like dear old dad (I couldn't make this up if I tried).
• He may or may not be taking care of his children. I'm sure that was a relief to her parents when she told them she was going on the show.
• Her all natural 34 DD's will attract some attention.

Once Flav enters the mansion, he's greeted with screams from his adoring suitors (is there a feminine version of this word?). He tells them to make themselves at home and choose rooms. Oh no, there are 20 girls but only 15 beds. That means 5 of the bevy of beauties will be going home tonight! (Duhn, duhn, duhn)

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Flav can't remember names, so he's gonna give the girls nicknames because "he might can remember" them easier. I'm not sure about that logic, but it is FLAVOR FLAV!

The naming ceremony begins. Flav quickly names the Asian girl Oyster as he feels her up while putting on her nametag. She doesn't like the name - I wonder why? He goes on, naming the remainder of the girls based on their attributes:

• Smile = girl with big teeth
• Sweetie = girl with ass
• Cherry = girl with big nipples
• Bubblez = girl with big titties
• Peachez = random white chick
• Georgia = girl from Georgia
• Hottie = girl who reminds me of a black Pam Anderson
• Pumpkin = another random white girl
• Picasso = artsy chick
• Dimplez = girl with dimples
• Hoopz = b-ball player
• New York = girl from New York
• Serious = professional model
• Pumpkin = yet another random white chick
• Latin Girl = hmmm, I wonder why he chose that name?

and with a pregnant pause and a few "umms," he names the SCUBA diving enthusiast Shellz! Judging by the cleverness and originality of the names he's chosen, it's easy to see why these women want Flav to fall in love with them.

Flav announces that that the rest of the evening will be a mixer. In unison, the girls give a big "FLAVOR FLAV!!!"

COMMERCIAL BREAK

The mixer begins. It reminds one girl of a "ghetto prom." How refreshing. As we see the women poppin corks (from champagne bottles you pervs), they give the audience a little insight into their hopes, fears, and personalities. Here are some highlights:

• One girl, nicknamed Apples, was afraid of the other girls because she "didn't know how ghetto they were." And this is a woman vying for Flav's affections? Did she get lost on the way to the Who Wants to Be a Hilton set?
• Low and behold, the Asian chick, Smokey, is a fucking idiot. Kudos to her for breaking a stereotype.
• Pumpkin is a "substoot teechr," cheerleading coach, and she's blonde. Wow. Talent!
• While Hottie, aka black Pam Anderson, steals Flav away and "was totally hogging him," Smokey the Asian hits us with another epiphany. "Is competitiveness a word?" Oh, I hope she stays for a few weeks because she's too much fun!
• Smiley, the Big Toothed Ho, says that she's really a nerd and she's not a ho at all. LIAR.
• Cherry says "I'm a sexual beast, which is almost all the way true." Thanks Jezabel!
• Sweetie, the girl with ass, asked Flav if he can still hang between the sheets. In case you were wondering (I know you weren't because I really wasn't either), Flav's sexual appetite is not waning and he does NOT need Viagra. He is, however, "driving a bus, not a mack truck."
• And one poor girl really hopes Flav will see through all of the sexual innuendo. Innuendo? Honey, it's not an innunendo if it's offered on a platter.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Flav knows he must get rid of 5 girls, but he just doesn't wanna. He goes out on the patio and embeds himself in a 5-honey sammich, getting more personal time with the beauties. One is Oyster the Asian, not to be confused with the stupid girl, Smokey the Asian (contrary to popular belief, they don't ALL look alike. Just most of em do. I'm totally kidding! Don't kill me Tracy!). Oyster points out that she's unique because she's worn red everyday for the past 5 years. Honey, that's not unique. That's just dumb as fuck.

Cut to inside the mansion. Goldie thinks she's just a "lil tipsy" even though she's slurring her speech and starts beatboxing for the camera. OK! Cut to Goldie passed out on the couch. Rain tries to help her up, but all Goldie can do is puke in a trash can on the living room floor. EEEW! "It smells like chicken!" One girls thinks that Goldie might be allergic to alcohol. Nah, it was just the champagne sneakin up on her!

Cut to the elimination ceremony prepartion. Dryers are a blowin, weaves are a flyin, make up is being applied. New York has nothing to worry about because she has "one up on all the women in the house, if not more." Well, at least she can string words together to make a complete thought. That's a start. Oyster the Asian points out that for once, she is not hte bitchiest woman in the room. That honor goes to New York!

As the girls primp, Flav stands in front of clocks with pictures of each of the girls in the center. You guessed it. He's going to give clocks to the 15 he chooses. The other 5 are out of time, which means they gotsta go!

Flav has no problem choosing the 5 women to eliminate. He's nothing if not decisive.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

All of the girls pontificate on why Flav should choose them. Some are confident. Others are not. Cherry is pretty confident. Goldie is not. I mean, she did have barf-tastic time in the living room. Will her junk in the trunk save her?

Flav enters the room. In front of him stand 20 of the most dazzling women in his mansion (that's as good a compliment as i can muster right now). He starts handing out clocks to the women who know what time it is. He started with 15. Then there were 10. Then there were 5. Then there were none. Who ran out of time?

• Picasso the artsy chick. She was too deep and damn fugly. Good riddance.
• Smokey the Asian. Dammit. I wanted her to stay. If we learned anything from Newlyweds, it's that stupid makes good reality tv.
• Cherry the sexpot. One of the most confident, Cherry was popped. She was also cryin and being a str8 h8r. Get it together girl!
• Bubblez. Who?
• Shellz the SCUBA girl. Float on sistah, float on!

What? Goldie made it? Yes, because she's Flave's "fat back and black eyed peas." I wonder if those bits were in her barf?

And just when you think the show is over, you're hit with upcoming scenes from the entire season. We can now look forward to:

• A bunch of bitches yellin and cryin bitches;
• Some boring dates;
• Flav hanging from what looks like an inner tube;
• Lots of making out (yick); and
• A cameo by Brigette who will give a lie detector test.

Sounds like standard dating show fare, but this is FLAVOR FLAV, so it will be extra hilarious and a bit icky-poo. I can't wait! It promises to be a scrumptious season of Flavor of Love!