Just call him Sir Flav-A-Lot - The Mother of All Episodes (that would be Episode 8)

Again, it's a beautiful day in the Flavor-hood.

Pumpkin and Hoopz talk about how much Trannie primps. Trannie tells the camera that she's a natural beauty who simply likes to "play up her features." Honey, you should really be playing down that adam's apple of yours. Maybe she needs more turtlenecks and neclaces? Check the neck!!!

Flav has a special surprise for the girls today. It's time to meet the 'rents! Flav will spend a day with each girl and their parents. Why am I all of a sudden starting to feel really sorry for these girls? Pumpkin's momma is up first. Of course, Pumpkin is scared. I mean, I would be scared too if I had to bring Flav to my momma and daddy.

Mrs. Pumpkin (aka Terri) enters the mansion. Why does Pumpkin look older than her momma? I guess Trannie was right about the facelift stuff. Anyway, Flav takes Pumpkin and her momma to a spa to get manis and pedis. Flav explains that his feet look like a runaway slave's. He ain't lyin. From what I saw, he must be still runnin!

While they're getting the spa treatment, Terri pulls out a list of questions for Flav. Basically, she asked what his intentions were toward her daughter. In so many words, Flav told Terri his daughter was a ho. She didn't buy it, but what mother really thinks her daughter is a ho (besides mine - did I tell ya'll about that time my momma called me an old black ho? Alas, that's another post)? While they're talking, Pumpkin reveals that she's been on many a game show, including: Street Smarts, Family Feud, Friend of Foe, and . . . Blind Date. Uh oh. Flav was floored because he eliminated Hot Mess for being on Blind Date. Terri leaves and Flav is clearly pissed. Pumpkin ain't real, ya'll.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Pumpkin and Trannie talk about the date. Pumpkin then tells Trannie that Flav is going with Hoopz next. Trannie starts straight trippin! WTF? I guess he/she's jealous that Flav is going with Hoopz first, but what does that matter? I know this bitch is crazy, but she's gone into hyper-drama mode.

Hoopz has a white momma and she reminds me of Teena Marie for some reason. Trannie says that she couldn't believe it. Hoopz's mom looked so young and vibrant. OOOPS! In the words of Cher Horowitz (Clueless, people), that woman was a full on Monet - she's pretty from a far, but close up, she's all ugly and messed up. But she's not nearly as messed up as Flav who comes down in some kind of king outfit. He's got on a crown and everything. Hoopz thinks he looks hot. I beg to differ. So, the trio rolls out and head to another classy establishment - Medieval Times! Now I get the king outfit. This date is going to be even more classy than the one at the Red Lobster.

They ate with their fingers. Flav kisses Hoopz's momma. Ooh, I think he likes her, and Hoopz is worried because her momma done already stoledt (and that's pronounced stole-tuh) up on one of her boyfriends. That's just nasty! While enjoying the festivities, one of the servers asks Flav to come with him so he could be knighted. Flav looks at his arm and says "I'm already night!" I must admit that I laughed. He is a midnight mutha fucka. It's funny because it's true. Well, he's knighted as Sir Flav-a-lot! That's hot!

On the way back home in the car, Hoopz's mom is flirtin with Flav. Did I mention that she's a big ho? She says if Hoopz doesn't want him, she'll take him! This is so incestuous! Gross!

They return to the mansion and Flav tells Pumpkin that he had a lovely date with her and her momma, but he's gonna spend some alone time with Hoopz. Pumpkin senses that Flav is acting differently toward her. She ain't lyin. He brushed her off to drop a stinky load. Is that TMI? I think so.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Flav is not feelin Pumpkin. Poor baby? So, Pumpkin tells Trannie that Hoopz gets one-on-one time with Flav. Hoopz and Flav are enjoying champagne and a bubble bath. Meanwhile, Trannie is trippin. She cries and eats and cries and eats. Pumpkin is too funny because she was making Trannie jealous on purpose. Gotta love it!

The next day belongs to Trannie. She wants everything to be perfect. Enter Mr. and Mrs. Trannie. Trannie comes down the stairs in the most respectable outfit I've seen her in yet. Hell, she looks like she's goin to church. Flav comes doewn the stairs lookin like white lightenin! Mrs. Trannie is not impressed. Flav gives them a tour of the house. Well, now we see where Trannie gets her crazy from. Momma is a nutjob!

Flav takes the Trannie family to play tennis, which is really nice because he heard Poppa Trannie likes tennis. On the ride, Momma Trannie asks Flav how old he is. I didn't realize that he's only 5 years younger than my momma! Anyhoo, Momma Trannie tells Trannie that she's fat. Trannis is many many things, but she ain't fat! Wait, did I just stick up for Trannie? Dayum Trannie's mom is a big fat bitch. She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world. Trannie's mom is a big fat bitch. She's a bitch to all the boys and girls! OK, I stole it from South Park, but it was appropriate.

Flav and Poppa Trannie play tennis. Meanwhile, Momma Trannie is straight hatin on Flav being a 46 year old man wearing a clock that's not runnin. Ok, she's right, but still. Trannie is tryin to defend her man. Momma Trannie ain't tryin to hear it. Actually, she's about as grossed out as I am right now. Wait, she might be aight. Momma says that Trannie and Flav are never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever getting married. Ever! Did she mention ever? Ok, I might have to reassess my evaluation of Momma Trannie. She ain't so crazy. She's just keepin it real, son!

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Back at the court, Flav and Poppa Trannie are having a time playing tennis. Meanwhile, Momma and Trannie are still arguing. Trannie LOVES him! Momma said NO, and then asks "are you going to choose him over me?" What kind of whack question is that? Anyway, Trannie says "I have to follow my heart!" So Trannie's 'rents leave. Poppa loves him, Momma don't. Flav knows it, but he's not gonna kiss anyone's butt! Interesting date indeed.

Flav enters his suite and deliberates. Again, he makes an easy decision.

Stop! Clock time!

While the girls are waiting, they comment on one another. Hoopz says Trannie is UGLY! Pumpkin reveals that Trannie wears cologne because it makes men feel sexy. I should really leave it alone, but I can't. OF COURSE SHE WEARS MEN'S COLOGNE BECAUSE SHE IS A MAN! Trannie calls Hoopz and Pumpkin inhabitants of the island of Lesbos.

3 girls, 2 clocks.

• Hoopz

But who will get the final clock?

COMMERCIAL BREAK

1 clock left, and it goes to . . .

• Trannie

Flav felt Pumpkin was playin games (check 1,2). It's her 6th reality show for cryin out loud. Roll out!

Oh, but it ain't over. Pumpkin tells Flav he disrespected her. She then accuses Trannie of being an aspiring actress. She is, but you know Trannie ain't gonna stand for it. Pumpkin and Trannie were gettin heated. Oh, Pumpkin just called Trannie a fat transvestite. Hoopz just laughs at the exchange. Trannie tells Pumpkin she looks like a man who needs a facelift.

Ooooh, Pumpkin tries to step to Trannie. She spits in Trannie's face. Trannie bucks up and pushes Pumpkin into the cameras. OH LAWD that shit is HILARIOUS!!!!! What's even better is the instant slow-motion replay!

PAUSE. Now I don't condone spitting because it's probably the most disrespectful thing you could do. I don't like Trannie, but NOBODY deserves to get spit on. Pumpkin was cool with me, but now she is dead to me! UNPAUSE.

Trannie wants to keep fighting so Flav's gotta hold her back! Move Flav and let those women handle it!!! Hoopz comments that spitting is messed up, but Trannie deserved it because she was mean. I don't agree, but I can understand (ha). Trannie, Hoopz and Flav toast and get ready for a trip to MEXICO, while Pumpkin is sittin outside not loving Flav anymore.

Next week is the finale. See ya'll then.