Thursday, December 29, 2005

I'd still be HOTTT in a BURKA

In this morning's email from India, Sharkee-poo expresses his fear of Muslims. He writes:

"The headline in the newspaper this morning was 'Delhi Professor Killed in Terror Attack.' Turns out two muslims walked into an academic IT conference and opened fire. I'm doing my best to dodge them. . . . If you were here, I'd make you wear a burka . . . If I could find one that fits them hips that is."

Oh, but wait! This time, Romius was cc'ed on the email (since he whined like a pussy about not getting any email from the Shark). He responds:

"I totally agree with the whole Burka thing for Love, bring one back!! Actually bring two, I want one for a late x-mas present for [insert name of girl who did NOT give Romius a birthday BJ]."

I have yet to respond to either email. I mean, what do you say? Here are a few things I'm tossing around:

"I may be hippy, but you found pants to fit over that gut of yours, CHUBBY!!"

"Sure, give girlie a burka. She still won't blow you."

"Sounds splendid, but only if it's a Coach burka with matching handbag for a Muslim girl on the go!"

"Derka derka jihad allah sherpa sherpa!"

"Fuck you, infidels!"

What do you think?

PS: Isn't it kewl how I found a pic of a black chick (lil kim) in a burka?!?!?

Monday, December 26, 2005

Memoirs of a Card Shark

Card Shark is spending the holidays in India with his father. In his daily email, he said the following:

"Tell [Romius] his site just isn't as interesting (for me at least) without new Cardshark stories. The same goes for your site too. Be sure to do somethin' 'bout that."

Well, tis the season . . .

If Shark had been paying any attention at all, he'd notice that I only write about him when he pisses me off. So, logic dictates that absence of such posts means that he hasn't pissed me off lately.

But, since he's far from home and I'm in the Chris-mas spirit (and I spelled it that way on purpose, suckas), I figured I'd oblige him for once. Much like Romius's post on Osama's Bin Laden, on this special occassion, I'm going to find 10 not mean things to say about the ex (notice my intentional use of not mean rather than nice). Here I go:

  1. Card Shark taught me how to play poker. For this I am grateful. I walked away with $150 in my last session (which ain't bad for 1 hour on a 3-6 table). It made my family's Christmas a little bit merrier.
  2. Card Shark likes monkeys.
  3. While dating me, Card Shark had awesome taste in chicks! I cannot say the same for before he dated me (he dated a 'publican for cryin out loud). Right now, he still has impeccable taste (he's not dating anyone). Although, once he starts dating someone besides me, his taste will suck ass again.
  4. Card Shark has pretty hair, and even though he's chubby, he's awful cute (you like the creative way I snuck in chubby by sandwiching it between 2 complements?).
  5. Card Shark hasn't smoked in about a week. For this, I am proud. I mean, it took pneumonia, a partially collapsed lung, Nicoderm patches, me constantly watching him, his family guilting him, and the advice of more than one doctor to get him there, but who's keeping track? Good job, dear!
  6. Card Shark is one tone deaf mofo, but he sure is a blast at karaoke.
  7. Card Shark is actually a very good poker player. He won a $25,000 tournie at the Bellagio over Thanksgiving weekend (yes dear, I should've gone on the trip). I would link you all to the website, but I want to protect his precious identity (HAHAHAHA).
  8. Much like a 4-toed sloth (not to be confused with the 3-toed variety), Card Shark DOES have opposable thumbs.
  9. Card Shark likes taking really really long drives to nowhere. That may be annoying to some, but I actually liked that about him. We ended up in some strange places, but he's the reason why I've seen so much of Arizona.
  10. Card Shark had the absolute pleasure of dating me. Actually, he's ecstatic that I continue to grace him with my presence because he knows how undeserving he is of my affections and overall goodness. What a lucky bastard! I know, I know. This one should actually be #1.
See, I am such a nice person!

I'm not sure Sharky-poo will get a chance to read my post before he leaves for Delhi, but I know he will eventually. I'm sure this will make his Chris-mas season bright, even though he is far away from MOI.

Friday, December 23, 2005

The American Justice System at work

Man Jailed for Over a Year Saw No Lawyer

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Someone's got balls

and it ain't Dubya.

Judge Resigns Over Secret Surveillance

It's actually quite refreshing to see that someone thinks domestic spying is (1) SKIRTING THE BOUNDS OF LEGALITY and (2) a BAD IDEA. It's even better when it's a judge.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Welcome White Supremacists! I come in peace.

Did you know that when you Google any combination of "kwanza nigger christmas," my site pops up as 12th on the list?

Well, at least 4 people out there on the worldwide web already know this. That's how they found my site.

So everyone give them a warm welcome!

Tonia, hold me back!

That skanky bitch Britney Spears is suing my favorite rag, US Weekly, for $20 million. And the most ridiculous part is that this is a top story on virtually every news site - even the legit ones (mind you, they're all posting the AP story). Who am I to go against the grain?

CNN: Britney sues over sex tape story

Yahoo: Britney Spears Sues 'Us Weekly' for $20M

Fox News: Britney Spears Sues 'US Weekly' for $20M

MSN: Britney Spears Sues 'US Weekly' for $20M

BBC: Spears sues over 'sex film' claim

ABC News: Britney Spears Sues 'Us Weekly' for $20M

CBS: Britney Spears Files Libel Suit

Al Jazeera: Just kidding!

Amen! No More Intelligent Design!!!

Judge rules against ‘intelligent design’: 'Religious alternative' to evolution cannot be taught in public school classes

And for my previous commentary on UN-Intelligent Design, CLICKHERE.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Rudy - Are you fuckin kidding me?

For those of you who don't know, I have an Australian fan named Rudy. Well, "fan" is a loose term, especially because Rudy has apparently neglected to actually READ anything I've ever written.

You see, Rudy is under the impression that I don't look critically in my own backyard because I had the "hide" to criticize Australia once - maybe twice.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? All I do on this blog is look critically in my own fucking backyard. In fact, I've only dedicated at most 4 posts to pointing out the fucked-up-ness (or fucked-up-osity) of other countries like Australia and Italy, which are clearly just as, if not more fucked up than America. Therefore, I am an equal opportunity basher.

So Rudy, have you actually bothered to read any of my posts? Or do you just have the hots for me and can't bare to stay away for more than a few hours?

Apparently, Rudy got mad at one of my wonderful posts about continent of Australia (I will never forgive them for Yahoo Serious, Crocodile Dundee star Paul Hogan, Kylie Monogue, and Nicole Kidman - peee-uuuu). Apparently, there was some race-based intimidation and generally mobbery taking place to defend precious white womanhood.

Here's a snippet of what the news reported?

About 5,000 white men, many of them drunk, targeted people believed to be of Arab or Middle Eastern descent on Cronulla Beach on Sunday after rumors spread that Lebanese youths assaulted two lifeguards earlier this month.

Police, who had stepped up patrols on the beach after learning of cell phone text messages urging people to retaliate for the attack on the lifeguards, fought back with batons and pepper spray.

Young men of Arab descent struck back in several Sydney suburbs Sunday, fighting with police for hours and smashing dozens of cars with sticks and bats, police said. They said 31 people were injured, including a white man who was allegedly stabbed in the back, and 16 arrested.

Now back to Rudy . . .

Never one to start a flame war, good ol' Rude posted a comment which began, "What an amazingly insular and narrow minded country you live in." WELL DUH!! But he lost me with after the first line.

Apparently, Rudy thinks that it the beach incident was a lil' innocent, non-racist fun. What's hilarious about Rudy's argument is that it's a prime example of just how racist he is. He says "a group of surfers were pissed off enough to text each other to "protect" their beach from young Muslim men who were telling the surfers girlfriends that because they wore bikinis they were asking to be gang raped and the young Muslim youths were going to gang rape them."

Protect their beaches? Protect their women? From what? From whom? From words? Did anyone do any rapin'? Was there any substantiation? Why a mob of 5000 white guys? Did they harass the acutal harassers, or were they doin a lil racial profiling?

Since I'm being accused of not looking in my own backyard, let's do a little lookin, shall we? In America, there's this group called the KKK. They were all about protectin' their womenz from those savage Negroes. In fact, they used to go around in drunken mobs and intimidate people all the time.

And there once was this teenager named Emmit Till. He was falsely accused of whistling at a white woman and then ended up being murdered by a group of white men who were protecting their women!

See any parallels there, Rude?

Now, I'm not sayin that the Muslim's should've retaliated in the manner they chose. However, I can understand. No one was killed, but that was nothing short of a miracle. Race relations in Australia have worsened (and you guys had such a stellar record until now, HA).

So Rudy, I calls 'em like I sees 'em. I started this blog because I wanted to comment about things going on in my backyard. I've been very honest - a bit too honest at times - about my feelings. I've been reasoned in my criticisms. Don't get mad at me because you lack the ability to do the same. If anyone needs to do a little backyard excavation (and not in the good way), it's you my dear Aussie friend.

. . . and just when I started to like you . . .

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

File this under NO SHIT!

Pentagon may be spying on anti-war activists

I'm screwed!

Monday, December 12, 2005

Clemency Denied to Stanley "Tookie" Williams

Governor denies clemency for ex-gang leader.

I've been waiting on this news all week. I even joked to someone that I planned to write about Tookie Williams on the day that the Governator denied clemency. However, now that the time is here, my heart hurts and I can't bring myseld to say much of anything. Therefore, I'll post Trey Ellis' editortial from HuffingtonPost. com.

Trey Ellis: W.W.S.D. (What Will Schwarzenegger Do?)

Back in May, the first thing I ever wrote for the Huffington Post was on the fate of Stanley “Tookie” Williams. I’m hoping that what I write here tonight will not be one of my last posts on him.

Back in May I had no idea that so much global attention would shine on the fate of one man. I also had no idea that capital punishment would still be such a divisive issue in a civilized, Western democracy.

The right-wing hate radio yahoos just don’t seem to get it. They claim that only out-of-touch limousine liberals, Hollywood (read gay, Jewish, commie) and the NAACP-Amnesty-ACLU cabal care to keep Mr. Williams alive. What they don’t get is that those protesters in front of San Quentin, overwhelmingly black, come from the very neighborhoods poisoned by the evil that Mr. Williams is responsible for. They understand that he serves them better alive, preaching to all who will listen that gang life destroys. If you live in a gang-infested neighborhood you already know death well. About a murder a day occurs in South Central LA every day of the year. Nobody needs to see another dead black man to know that gang life leads to death, either by the police, the state, or, more likely, by a rival gangmember. Mr. Williams’ conversion, as the general, not just a soldier, is a powerful tool in a desperate war. His own community realizes that and asks the Governor to let him keep working behind bars.

All the evidence in the case against Mr. Williams is circumstantial and all of the witnesses against him suspect (and felons themselves, the key witness currently in jail in Canada for armed robbery). Robert Clark, a black man convicted of rape in Georgia was released only last week after twenty-three years in jail for a crime that DNA evidence proved he didn’t commit. Even if Mr. Williams had not turned his life around in prison there is still enough reasonable doubt surrounding his case to lock him up forever instead of killing him.

Though the Williams case has been much in the news, one group has been noticeably silent. Conservative evangelical Christians and their much touted “Culture of Life” have said hardly a word about him. There might be great debate at whether life begins at conception or several weeks after but there is absolutely no debate whatsoever that life ends after a 50 ccs of potassium chloride are injected into your veins, stopping your heart.

The Vatican, at least, is consistently pro-life, both anti-abortion and anti-capital punishment. Some right-wing American Evangelicals, however, like to torture the crystal clear teachings of the New Testament to somehow make it all right for the state to kill. I guess they skip over passages like this:

Matthew 5:38-41 -- You have heard it was said, "An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth." But I say to you, Do not resist an evildoer. But if anyone strikes you on the right cheek, turn the other also; and if anyone wants to sue you and take your coat, give your cloak as well; and if anyone forces you to go one mile, go also the second mile.

Luke 6:27, 37 -- Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you.... Do not judge, and you will not be judged; do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.

W.W.J.D.? You don’t even have to ask.

Though I have not been a fan of Governor Schwarzenegger I have been encouraged by the thoroughness and the seriousness with which he seems to be deliberating this case. Another governor, this one from Texas, was asked on a right-wing radio program what were the last words of a woman, Karla Faye Tucker, before his state executed her. That governor sadistically affected a woman’s voice to mock the 23-year-old born-again and whined, “Please don’t kill me!” Now he’s our President.

And by the way, here are Ms. Tucker’s real final words:

"I would like to say to all of you, the Thornton family and Jerry Dean's family that I am so sorry. I hope God will give you peace with this….Baby, I love you. Ron, give Peggy a hug for me. Everybody has been so good to me. I love all of you very much. I'm going to be face-to-face with Jesus now….Warden Baggett, thank all of you so much. You have been so good to me. I love all of you very much. I will see you all when you get there. I will wait for you."

Australia is back on top . . .

of my list of places not to go.

Racial Violence Continues in Australia

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Richard Prior Died

I'm actually too sad to make further comment.

Friday, December 09, 2005

I love you Isa . . .

But I'mma have to kick your ass! Isa wrote a long ass entry about how the Grammy's have gone downhill because of hip-hop. She knows very well that I can't help but comment (acutally, i was gonna comment on her site, but my response got a little long).

Of course there's a lot of bad hip-hop out there - just like there's a lot of bad country, rock, jazz, etc. The problem is stupid "short" kids (ages 13-18) control album sales, making the bad hip-hop mainstream. I hate 50 Cent as much as the next one, but for every 50 Cent, there's a Common who's not gettin airplay. For every Black Eyed Peas (YUCKO), there's a really talented group like De La Soul. Did you check out those albums? What about Talib Kweli? The Roots? Little Brother? Slum Village? Prolly not. Too busy watchin the shit on MTV I guess (mind you, MTV2 is ok when it's playing music).

And what in God's green earth does Isa know about what's musically challenging? Does she currently play an instrument (and trumpet in high school sooooo does not count)? Sing (besides in her truck)? Make beats? Write music? Write lyrics? Ad lib? Rap? NO? EXACTLY!!!

It's easy to criticize when you have absolutely little or NO musical talent to speak of. Meanwhile, Kanye, Mariah and John Legend all use and PLAY instruments (right now and not 10 years ago). They all write and compose most if not all of their music, which is rare in today's music industry. They're all trained musicians. Mariah has one of the most beautiful voices on the planet - and so does John Legend. Kanye is really at the top of the rap game. In fact, Isa, you made me burn a copy of his last album for you!

Is Isa saying that country music, which is her fave, is more musically challenging? I hope not. If she knew anything about music, she'd know that country has the same musical composition as most R&B/hip-hop songs because they're both born out of gospel and blues. Hell, there was a time when both country and R&B artists would record the same songs at the same time, then sell the songs to their audiences. Country just uses lame instruments like banjos and steel guitars. Hip-hop is more percussion oriented. So please don't fool yourself into thinking one is musically superior over the other, especially when they're so similar.

As for the vocabulary, Isa is not one to talk! She's the same person who uses me as her personal dictionary. It's not that the vocabulary is middle-school level. It's that SHE doesn't understand the thought behind the word combos. For cryin out loud! Every other country song talks about a Ford pick-up. Does that require a vast vocabulary? Is that original?

Isa's problem with hip-hop stems from the fact that she doesn't identify with the experiences in the music. It must be a black thing (so kidding). I'm NOT sayin that she has to like hip-hop. People like what they like. I AM sayin don't talk shit about my music because you don't get it. Just say you don't get it and move on!

As for the Grammy's, I will not watch them because the show is long and boring. I do hope that Mariah, John and Kanye all win something. Hell, if Kanye doesn't win, he'll riot. Also, I hope Gwen Stefani loses because she's played and so are those beats she bought from Pharrel that he clearly used 5 years ago on Britney Spears and Noreaga. As for Bruce Springsteen, I hope he wins the folk category and shows the grammy audience that you're never too old to rock 'n roll! Ha!

I know I come across as knowing everything (which I do), but I really know music. Nothing annoys me more than people who talk shit about hip-hop music, especially because I love it (and ALL music) so much. So, if you're gonna hate on my music, you need to step your game up, bitches!

Having said all that, I love Isa!!! I'll also drop-kick her the next time she talks about my music.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

What's with Italy anyway?

First there were the rape-proof jeans. Then there was the "dirty negro" comment. Now it's a 20% PORN TAX. I know, I know. This is simply the last straw!

Italy is vyin for Australia's spot on my "countries Foxxxy loves to hate" list. Now my Under the Tuscan Sun dreams have been vanquished, dammit!

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Jesus is the reason for the season . . .

but for Christ's sake. If I have to hear one more thing about that stupid White House Christmas card, I'll scream.

Right-wing nutjobs . . . I mean the Christian right . . . is all peeved about this year's White House Christmas card. Mr. Bush forgot to actually say Merry Christmas, instead opting for a general Happy Holidays or Season's Greetings or some shit like that. Apparently, some groups got their panties (including that special Mormon underwear) all in a wad because the card took the "Christ" out of Christmas. Nevermind the big ole Psalm at the top of the card. I guess that's not Christian enough either.

So, the card didn't say didn't say "Thank you baby Jesus for being born!" Must this be treated like the 7th Sign? My Lord, they need to be more concerned about those upside-down Christmas trees because they are CLEARLY a sign of the DEVIL!!!

I think Virgin Mobile has it right. Ole Dubya shoulda opted for a card that said Happy Christmahannukwanzakah. That about covers everyone, and puts a little Christ back into the holiday season (nevermind that those stupid commercials are likely the most offensive things I've ever seen, but at least Virgin Mobile is an equal opportunity offender).

They can take the Kwanzaa part out though. We all know that shit is made up!!!

Oh God No!!!!

Not Nicole and DJ AM? I thought they would last 4-eva!

Nicole Richie, Fiance Call off Engagement.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Call me a "dirty negro" and shit out Italian shoe leather!

Folks love to claim that America is just too PC for it's own good. I have no problemo with political correctness (ha, problemo) and here's why. It protects a whole lot of folks from getting their asses stomped into the ground.

Perhaps Italy could learn that lesson. Apparently, Italy's highest court held that calling someone a "dirty negro" isn't racist. Hmmm . . . was Tony Soprano the judge? More specifically, the court said somethin like this:

"[A]n insult should be judged racist 'only if it is motivated by real hatred,' or is likely to cause racial hatred in others or lead to 'discriminatory behavior for reasons of race, ethnicity, nationality or religion . . . '

"On the other hand, the crime of racism is not constituted by expressions of "generic dislike, intolerance or rejection based on race, ethnicity or religion," which appeared to fit the case in question."

So, when a man calls a woman a "dirty negro," then beat the shit out of her, that's not a hate crime in Italy. That's amore!

What's even more scary is that American courts use that stupid "discriminatory intent" argument in civil rights cases all the time. Dammit, those I-talians learned it from watching us!

Here's what they didn't learn. In America, a white person calling a black person a "dirty negro" or any other incarnation of the N-word might not be illegal, but it can be lethal as it may guarantee a gang-style ass-whoopin. I'm a foxxxy luv-a, not a fighter, but I would even take off my earrings and smear some vaseline on my face to put my Italian leather, Italy shaped boot up someone's ass.

So, white Americans, think of political correctness as protection rather than restriction.

I've been a lil busy. Did you miss me?

I know Rudy did!!!!