Tuesday, January 31, 2006


Sorry I'm late again. a sista's been workin really hard lately. Here goes. . .
Once again, it's a beautiful day in the Flavor-hood. Smiley stepped up her game and makes Flav breakfast in bed.

Meanwhile, Big Rick delivers the next Flav-o-Gram. The ladies need to throw on their "slamminest dress" and pack up because they're headed to Vegas!!! The crowd roars! The girls primp and go. Flav, who's feeling like "Big Willy" waits for the girls in front of a private jet which was clearly provided by VH1, but these chicken heads might be fooled into thinking it's his. Am I psychic? Call me Miss Cleo cuz Hot Mess is already scoping out which jet will be hers! The ladies board the jet, but what's the matter with Pumpkin? Awww, she's skird!

Viva Las Vegas! Hot Mess feels completely at home in Vegas because the people wear what they want and do what they want. That may be true, but it don't make it right! Anyway, Flav tells the ladies that they have a surprise waiting for them at the Hard Rock. They arrive at the suite to a rack of gowns. That was actually very nice. Thanks VH1!

They all hit the Roulette table. Each lady gets $100 and 10 minutes to play. Whomever wins the most money gets a special date with Flav. They pretty much suck, but who doesn't at Roulette. That's the shittiest game in the casino. Most of the girls are out in a few minutes. Oyster wins $155. Smiley wins $110 and a nasty kiss from Flav. New York gives Flav a rub down with her booty for good luck, then stacks the chips. I'll be damned if it worked because she came away with $465. Pumpkin is up next. . .


Pumpkin's strategy is to put a lilttle money on a lot of numbers. It seems to work because she's winning (and kissing Flav at the same time - ick!). In the end, she was no competition for New York.

New York (aka Tranny) and Flav head to dinner. Tranny told Flav that when they come together, they're going to explode. Most times, explosions are BAD!!! Oh it gets worse. The make out for about 8 minutes. I saw more man-on-man action this episode than I did in Brokeback Mountain. Flav is lovin Tranny becaues she treats him like he wants to be treated (I hear Jodeci in the background). However, he's bothered because she's just a little too territorial. Still, she tells him "I Love You." BARF!!!

Meanwhile, the other girls head to Club Paradise and worked the pole. I told ya'll they were strippers!!! They also clown on Red Oyster because they know she's a snitch.

Everyone meets up again and the girls are jealous of Tranny. You've got to be kidding me! They get back on the plane and head home!


Back at the mansion, the girls are doing their thing. Goldie asks Hot Mess "how long is your real hair?" to which Hot Mess replies "this is my real hair." Goldie laughs out loud, and rightly so.

PAUSE. I do have to take just a moment and pause the live recap to proclaim to the world that Hottie is a fuckin liar! A black girl can spot a weave a mile away, and a bad one like Hottie's can be spotted from the stratosphere. Who does that bitch think she's foolin? That's why I renamed her Hot Mess! UNPAUSE.

Goldie tells the camera that Hot Mess's hair looks attrocious and lo and behold, she repeats my above sentiment. Balck girls unite! Anyhoo, Hot Mess sticks to her story. Poor delusional woman.

Big Rick brings in the next Flav-o-gram. Looks like Flav is going to test the ladies using his 5 senses and the winner, of course, gets a private date with him. Red Oyster wins the airhead award because she thinks the challenge will have something to do with appliances because the clue contained the work "electrifying." Bitch, he said 5 senses! Get a clue.

The ladies get ready. Hot Mess starts curling her real (or really fake) hair and sausages herself into another dress that's not quite her size. In all, they look like a bunch of hookers (except Goldie who always looks appropriate). Flav, who's wearing a blindfold, tells the ladies that he needs a woman that will please all of his senses. So he's giving them "5 testses:"
  • Smell
  • Touch
  • Taste
  • Feel
  • Sight
  • Hearing

Hmmmm. That's 6 and I don't think Flav has the 6th sense. Let's just collapse Touch and Feel into one category, shall we? Of course, the girl with the highest score wins the special date.

Smell: Here's a rundown:

  • Pumpkin smells like bacon. Flav likes bacon, so she scores a 7.
  • Hot Mess smells like mushrooms. Flav no likey mushrooms, so she scores a 4.
  • Red Oyster smells like spaghetti sauces. That's an 8.
  • Goldie smells like chicken wings. That's an 8.
  • Hoopz is fried rice. That's an 8.
  • Smiley is a steak. That's a 9.
  • New York is broccoli. That's a 9. Broccoli a 9? WTF?

Sound. The ladies get to sing the last line of the Star Spangled Banner. For those of you who don't know, that's "O're the land of the free, and the home of the FLAV!" I won't waste your time or mine recapping each bad performance. All I'll say is these are some tone-def bitches. Hot Mess, a classically trained singer, also sounds like a hot mess, but that should surprise no one. Goldie says "I guess there's something that she has to offer to the world, and I guess that's the gift of song." Did I mention that Goldie is likely my kindred spirit (except for the fact that she's actually on this show, that is). Smiley and New York are still the two ladies left to beat.

Taste. Flav licks the ladies. I know, I know. My stomach just curdled a little too. Anyway, each girl sits on his lap and Flav takes a lip. Pumpkin notes that Flav has to know it's Hot Mess on his lap because she feels heavy. New York gave Flav his (and yes, I mean his) forehead to taste. Smiley went all out and stuck her tongue down his throat. That girl is in it to win it. Uh oh, Smiley takes the lead.

Touch. Flav feels a whole lot of T & A. Still, Smiley is 1 point ahead of New York.


Sight. This promises to be interesting. The women have to dance for Flav behind a screen, so all he sees is silhouettes.

  • Pumpkin: She can't help that she's white with no rhythm. I need to send her to my girl Melissa for some lessons. She scores a 5.
  • Hot Mess: She's got a can and she's shakin her rump - but somehow I neither want to zoom zoom zoom or a boom boom. Her flaps of fat are not well contained in that outfit taht threatens to pop apart from all the pressure at any moment. She scores a 7.
  • Red Oyster: She suffers from the same affliction as Pumpkin. That's a shame because I've seen some Asians dance their asses off. She scores a 5.
  • Goldie: She shook it for Carolina and used a few obscene gestures with Flav's cane. She scores a 7.
  • Hoopz: I know she's a stripper in real life. Hell, she does the splits. She scores an 8.
  • Smiley: She's takin her clothes off. VH1 had to blurr out her nipples. OOOOH, she's a skank! She scores a 9.
  • New York: She starts out working it like a real stripper, but then her ass stumbles while she's on her knees. LMAO. Oh, I'm still laughing. A lonely teardrop just came down my cheek. She scores an 8.

So, the big winner is Smiley! She's in tune with all of Flav's senses. Their date is in the bubble bath. How is that a date exactly? Am I the only one who thinks that Smiely would be shaped like a man if she didn't have the fake boobies? Oh well. They make out in the tub. I'm grossed out, are you? I think i just saw Flav's tongue. ICKY!

Meanwhile, Red Oyster, Hot Mess and New York are in the kitchen talking about who they would like to see elininated. Hot Mess says she wouldn't mind seeing New York go home! Well, a catfight ensues, and New York insists that she "ain't goin mothafuckin nowhere" because she's "in the mothafuckin house!" Oh Lord. Red Oyster was just quiet.

Flav is ready to do some eliminatin. Again, it's an easy choice for him.

In the phone room, you see Red Oyster checking her messages. Apparently, there's som bad news. Yeah right. This is just their way of getting the plant off the show.


Time to see who knows what time it is. Smiley feels ok because she had a good date with him New York is unsure. Hot Mess calls New York bi-polar. Ain't that the pot tryin to smut the kettle?

So who get's to stay?

  • Smiley
  • Pumpkin
  • Hoopz
  • Goldie

But wait, Red Oyster steps out and eliminates herself. Her father was in a serious accident and she's gotta go. Am I the only one not buying that? She was a plant. A big red one! Flav tells her that he would've chosen her to stay.

Red Oyster says her goodbyes. New York tells her that she was the only one in the house she respected. Hot Mess tells her that the same thing happened to her in college, to which Red Oyster replies "Shut up, bitch . . . don't make it about you." DAYUM!!!

But wait! Of New York or Hot Mess, who was supposed to go? Hmmm. I'd guess Hot Mess, but Flav's not telling! Even when New York asks to know, he tells her "if you was gonna get a clock, you would've got a clock. If you wasn't gonna get a clock, you wasn't gonna get a clock." Thanks for clarifying that Flav.

Next week, Brigitte is comin. I'll try my best to get this done on time!!!

I know I know

I'm slackin on my pimpin. I haven't done my Flavor of Love recap. I'll get around to it. A sista's been busy!

. . . and even sadder news

Senate Confirms Alito to Supreme Court


RIP Coretta Scott King

" ATLANTA - Coretta Scott King, who turned a life shattered by her husband's assassination into one devoted to enshrining his legacy of human rights and equality has died. She was 78. Markel Hutchins, a close family friend of the Kings, told The Associated Press he spoke early this morning with Bernice King, who confirmed her mother's passing."

I don't really have anything personal to add except this is a very sad day.

Monday, January 23, 2006

That's Brokeback!

Ya'll know I love the Boondocks ('member that post about Aaron McGruder?). Here's today's strip.

I thought it was timely in light of the fact that I can't get Romius and Sharky-poo to take me to see Brokeback Mountain. I don't know why? I mean, these are the two men who ventured to see March of the Penguins together without a woman or child with them. If anything, that's about as Brokeback as going to see a gay cowboy movie. Besides, they live together and play together. What's a lil movie about gay cowboy lovin between friends?


Sunday, January 22, 2006

Flavor of Love Recap - Episode 4, Booooooiiiiiiiii!

Welcome back kiddies. Here’s the extensive recap of Episode 4.

The ladies are sleeping sound in their beds, while visions of Flavor Flav dance in their heads. All of a sudden, Flav bursts in and wakes up the girls and they all line up the stairwell to hear the special news.

While the ladies are waiting, Goldie remarks that Hottie looks like a broke Gomer Pyle with her whack boogie-woogie-bugle-boy-inspired togs. It’s funny because it’s true!

Flav’s got a special guest for the ladies this fine Sunday morning. They’re goin to church with Anna Drake, aka Momma Flav. The girls have exactly a half hour to change into their “chuuuch” gear. Poor New York can’t get ready in 30 minutes. I mean, it takes that long to tuck her dick between her butt cheeks and shave that 5 o’clock shadow.

Meanwhile, Momma Flav is watching her watch. She likes to be prompt. I don’t mean no harm, but I see where Flav gets his looks from. Awwww, that was mean!

The ladies are ready, and for the most part, they look presentable. As usual, Hottie looks like a hot mess with a white dress and red “devlish” cape to the House of the Lord! No, no, no!

The ladies leave for church. The choir is workin it. Makes me wish I went to church this morning. Anyway, poor little Red Oyster is havin trouble keeping the beat, but Sweetie looks relieved to be there. Goldie is in tears. Apparently, her mother passed away recently (poor Goldie). All the girls seem moved – all except New York who is plottin to get closer to Momma Flav.

After church, the ladies and Momma Flav go to tea. She will speak with each lady individually. Goldie looks like she connects with Mamma Flav. Sweetie looks like she’s boring Momma Flav. Momma is busy lookin at her biscuit instead of listening to Sweetie's drivel. Hottie tries to suck up to Momma Flav with her extensive list of "accomplishments." And then there’s New York. She tells Momma Flav that she’s “a pure woman” and she’s truly in LOVE with Flav. She’s full of more shit than a port-a-potty at the state fair.


Flav shows Momma the clocks with the girls’ faces and asks for her opinion. Momma Flav keyed in on Hottie. Flav says he’s gonna try to “rub her tonight.” Momma looks like she’s about to smack the shit out of him, just like a good black momma should. Anyway, Momma didn’t connect with Hoopz and she really didn’t like Sweetie, who she described as desperate to win.

Flav decides to spend some one-on-one time with each of the girls. That’s 8 girls at 1 hour each. Here’s a lil recap-let of each date.

  • Hoopz is first and she’s workin it. Flav wants to put his finger on it.
  • Goldie is #2. Flav wants to see “what’s goin on with the Country Bumpkin.”
  • Pumpkin rocks with Flav.
  • Hottie’s got big knockers, which Flav plants his face in.
  • New York thinks Flav has “a lot of meat waiting” for her.
  • Flav falls asleep on Oyster and she looks disgusted/annoyed because he’s snoring all on her. Probably drooling too.
  • Sweetie tells Flav “I just want you.” ICK. BLECK. So now she’s ridin on top of him like the freak she is. I knew she was perpetrating and Flav isn’t fooled either. Remember, Momma didn’t like Sweetie either.
  • Smiley will have to have her date the next day because both she and Flav are wiped out.

Flav lays gets ready to go to bed when he receives an ominous knock on the door. Duhn, duhn, duhn!


Who’s knockin? Hoopz & Pumpkin. Then comes New York. One wonders how she hid her pee-pee in that itty bitty outfit. Flav brings passion out of her. Grrrrr! Oh, and she says he can’t keep his hands off of her. Cut to a shot of Flav snoring while New York takes his hands and puts them on her.

It’s morning, and we get to wake up to a shot of Flav’s nasty ass feet. AHHHHH! Ok, now that you’re finished throwing up, Flav talks about waking up in a Hoopz/Pumpkin sammich and how he was gonna do it to them! This is the part where you throw up some more. Finished? Let’s move on.

Flav meets the girls in the hot tub. Hottie says she’s 38-26-36. BULLSHIT! Oyster says the only 26 on Hottie is her thick neck. Dayum! I was thinking the same thang!

While in the hot tub, Flav challenges the girls to a cook-off because he loves a girl that can cook. The winner get’s a date with Flav. Why do I think Goldie has this one on lock? Sweetie claims she’s skird – that’s right, skird – of raw chicken. Sweetie’s chicken phobia comes from being bitten by a rooster when she was a little kid. Seriously. Could I make this up?

In the kitchen, Big Rick tells the ladies they have 30 minutes to make chicken. Hoopz is at home in the kitchen. Pumpkin is gonna follow the recipe because she’s never made fried chicken before. Sweetie is freakin out. Hottie knows that her chicken because she was raised a vegetarian, so hers will have lots of fresh veggies. She’s stuffing it with whole carrots, French onions, and jelly! Yes folks, jelly (not syrup). She puts it in the microwave and punches the chicken button. I echo Goldie’s sentiment. “Bitch is crazy!!!


Dinner time!!! Momma Flav is back and she’s gonna comment on each tray of chicken while Flav tastes it. Here we go:

  • Tray #1 (Hoopz) and Tray #2 (Sweetie) look good and agree with Flav’s discriminating palate.
  • Tray #3 (Oyster)looks like chicken bite-lets, but it was made with love.
  • Tray #4 (New York), Tray #5 (Smiley), Tray #6 (Goldie) were all ok, but nothing special.
  • Tray #7 (Pumpkin) is not done. Flav heads to the potty and throws it right back up. At least Pumpkin knows her chicken is better than Hottie’s.
  • Tray #8 (Hottie) looks much like the cook, a hot, raw mess. I swear that thing had eyes on it. That girl is a nutjob, and the fattest vegetarian I’ve ever seen!

It’s a showdown Hoopz and Sweetie, but ultimately, Hoopz wins the date with Flav and Momma Flav! She’s ecstatic. They go to a soul food restaurant. Hoopz and Momma Flav hit it off. Momma says Hoopz is loving and has a wonderful personality. Good think because Hoopz is my #2 pick – I’m still a Goldie fan through and through.

Clock time! Flav’s gotta cut one lady, and he knows right away who it will be.


As usual, the women are nervous about elimination. Sweetie thinks that Hottie is on her way out because of the raw chicken.

Who knows what time it is?

  • Pumpkin – she apologizes about the chicken.
  • Red Oyster – she made it through, but she still has to room with Hottie. Poor thing.
  • Hoopz – she’s happy to be part of the final 7.
  • New York – she wasn’t surprised, but she was glad she didn’t have to wait to get her clock from her man. Oh Jesus, help me.
  • Goldie – g’on big country! Gotta love a girl from NC (especially Goldie and me, Foxxxy)!!
  • Smiley – she never got her date, but she’s still in the running.
  • Hottie – Nobody clapped for her. Maybe it was that spaceship dress with the cutouts on the side with her fat thrusting through the holes. Or, maybe it was her chicken. Hmmm.

So Sweetie’s gotta go. Flav thought she wasn’t feelin him and that she wasn’t real.

She’s not feeling him? Is this a joke? Apparently not to Sweetie. She unleashes her wrath. She cooked chicken for him despite her chicken-phobia. She waited up at night for her whack date. This is all true, but she didn’t stop there. She notes that Flav is a reflection of the company he keeps, and judging from what’s left in the house, he must not be feelin himself! BAM! She’s right again. Look at who’s left. 2 girls who were so stupid that they couldn’t figure out how to cook chicken, an instigator who might actually be a man, a gold-digging narcissist with ill-fitting clothes, and a dirty rat. I can’t disagree with Sweetie, but girl, GET A GRIP! It’s Flavor Fuckin Flav, not Morris Chestnut!

Flav and the girls are shocked as no one expected that kind of tirade from Sweetie. Flav responds in a suprisingly appropriate manner. “Hottie, I’m just not feelin you. Your time is up!” Well said, Flav. The remaining 7 toast to Flav while he pours out a little for Sweetie.

Friday, January 20, 2006

Why do Homosexuals like to use me as their dates?

Tonite, I will go as Isa's "beard" on the Phoenix Lesbo Tour. Well, i guess most lesbians don't have beards. They do grow a lot of hair in other places.


Tonite, I will go as Isa's "faint but noticeable mustache" on the Phoenix Lesbo Tour. Nevermind that a whole bunch of REAL lesbians are going and she could simply just use one of them to Pussy-Block. Also, nevermind that I'm bringing two dudes -Sharky and Romius - with me. This promises to be interesting.

For those of you who are actually in Phoenix, drop by and see us! Here's the announcement Isa posted below:

(if you're reading this, duh, you're invited)
The PHX Lesbo Tour 2006 is on like donkey kong for this Friday, 1/20! The tour must start at the "lesbo" house - 1707 E. Broadmor - so arrive around 9pm but no later than 9:30pm. From the house, we'll hit:
The Cash
The Biz
The E-Lounge
We should be at each stop around 30-45mins. We'll finish the night either at Hamburger Mary's or Amsterdam. Of course, all friends, straight or gay, are welcome. Don't forget to meet at the house first.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

RIP Wilson Pickett

Wilson Pickett reached fame for singing songs like Mustang Sally and I'm Gonna Wait til the Midnight Hour. Today, Pickett died of a hear attack at the age of 64, which isn't really that old in the scheme of things.

This would be the 2nd death of an R&B/Soul pioneer in the past few weeks (we lost Lou Rawls just a couple of weeks ago). It's sad to see the end of an era.

Wilson Pickett Dies of Hear Attack at 64.

To all the beautiful women I know who you won't see in magaiznes . . .

I read this article and it's for all of us (including myself, despite my obvious perfection!).

'Blonde is beautiful' mystique

What a sorry Muthafucka will do to avoid paying child support:

Fake his death! That's right folks.

Man faked death to avoid child support: Ultimate deadbeat dad' now owes more than $30,000 for two kids

I think we should all shout a collective BOOOOOOOO for Johnny Sterling Martin of Myrtle Beach. I sincerely hope that he burns in HELL.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Flavor of Love - Episode 3 Kinda Live Recap

Sorry I've been slackin on my pimpin. I went to a wedding Sunday, so I missed Flav and I'm just getting around to watching the recording.

It's a beautiful morning at the macadocious mansion, and some of the ladies are sitting outside discussing what they would do for real love. Hottie chimes in that she would do what she gotta to do to win, including "going through people's luggage" and "cutting up clothes." WOW. Now that's love!

Cut to the dining room and the newest Flavor-gram. Flav wants to take Sweetie, Peaches, New York, Hottie, and Red Oyster for a date to meet some "old friends" of his. At the end, he'll choose one lady for some one-on-one time. They ladies squeal with excitement, but really, what for? I mean, don't they see what's coming from a mile away?

The ladies frantically get dressed with hopes of meeting the likes of Bill Clinton, Madonna, and Public Enemy. Now, I completely understand PE, but Bill Clinton and Madonna? Are these broads on crack?

The ladies line up at the bottom of the stairs. At this point, we get our first peek at their outfits. GOOD GOD! I think my eyes just cracked. Let's go down the line, shall we (thank the Lord for pause and rewind!)?

  • New York (aka Check the Neck): She has on a halter top exposing her droopy titties, and some knee-high boots. What? Now skirt or pants? Not that I can see.
  • Red Oyster (aka Dirty Rat): She's wearing a mermaid-neck dress in red, of course.
  • Peachez (aka white chick): She looks like a broke down rocker chick in a little mid-drift shirt showing off her lack of titties (at least they're not droopy), some black pants, and some Dock Martin-ish shoes.
  • Sweetie (aka, aw hell, she's so boring that she doesn't deserve a nickname): But she does have on the most disastrous outfit. She's rockin a camouflage top with her boobies bubbling out. But that's the classy part. Her bottoms are camouflage too, but one leg is long and the other is short (ya'll remember that out fit that Cat had on in the Prince and Sheena Easton video for You've Got the Look?). Then this bitch has the nerve to have on some silvery sandals. Tisk tisk!
  • Hottie (aka Hot Mess): Hottie's horrible outfit comes in a close second to Sweetie's. She's got on one of those played out jersey dresses from about 4 seasons ago, but this one is asymmetrical and off the shoulder with one long sleeve. Then that bitch has the nerve to had a draw string at the bottom to make the dress shorter so that I have to look at more of those ham hocks she calls thighs. GROSS!

Flav walks down the stairs. Does anyone else think Bobby Brown will look like Flav in a few years time? Anyway, the ladies get into the limo, and off they go . . . and pull up to a senior center. Ahhh, "OLD FRIENDS!" Flav tells the ladies to rub his elderly friends the right way, so that later he can rub the ladies the right way (If Johnny Gill were dead - and we don't rightly know that he isn't - he'd be rolling over in his grave right now). Flav needs a woman that can take care of him in his senior years. So, the ladies roll out of the limo and Flav give New York an affectionate smack on the arse. Let the fun begin!

The ladies walk into the center and almost immediately regret their wardrobe choices (They should've rethought that garbage anyway because they all looked like trash). So, they play with the old folks. Crusty-foot Grandma puts her feet up and asks the ladies to lotion them. YUCKO! Granny Gums wants New York to put in her dentures. New York throws up in her mouth a little bit, then goes outside to smoke. She gets caught by Flav, but she just doesn't care. I don't half blame her. When Granny Gums asks Sweetie the same favor, she gladly obliges. She's a trooper, but, in the infamous words of Whitney Houston, HEYALL TO THE NAW!


The ladies complete the challenge and walk out of the Center. Flav decides that he's gonna take Sweetie on a private dinner because she came through with the dentures. She's a champ, so Flav is gonna take her to a romantic spot. Well, seeing his old friends makes me think that the spot isn't gonna be quite so romantic. This could either be one of 2 things. Flav could take Sweetie to my favorite Scottish restaurant, McDonald's OR this could turn into Fear Factor. Either way, I feel sad for Sweetie because now she's gotta be alone with that imp.

Back at the house, Pumpkin and Hoopz are lookin at pics of Serious. They think Serious is there for career exposure. Hmmmm. I know Pumpkin won't get too much exposure for her substoot teechr/cheerleading coach/hypnotist assistant careers, but last time I checked, Hoopz is a model too (CLICK HERE).

Anyhoo, Sweetie gets ready for her din-din with Flav. she even sprays a lil perfume on her crotch for good luck (oh ladies, don't act like you don't do it too!). She walks down the stairs to meet Flav, who's dressed in a came colored shirt and pants (I know he's almost a medical midget, but do his clothes have to make him look so small?). They're off to his favorite romantic spot. They pull up to RED LOBSTER. That's right folks. RED LOBSTER! Flav says it was always an elegant place until it got too popular. Lemme repeat that for ya. It was always an elegant place until it got too popular. I know. My brain hurts too.

The two toast with some red wine, likely the house Chablis (and that's pronounced sha-blee for those of you that's aren't sophisticated enough to dine at Red Lobster). What in the hell? Flav eats like a pig, or in his case, a piglet. I love lobster, but somehow, I just lost my appetite. So did Sweetie.

Meanwhile, the ladies at the house are picking on Pumpkin for being so damn white. So, to de-whiten her, they teach her how to dance? I know. Makes little sense to me too, but what is a television show featuring black people without some shuckin and jivin? Suffice it to say that no amount of black-girl-dancing lessons was gonna help Pumpkin, who thought OG stood for Olive Garden (hell, that would've even been a better choice than Red Lobster).

An speaking of restaurants, back to the Red Lobster where Flav tells the waitress that Sweetie is his dessert and "it don't hurt to flirt with dessert. Ask Captain Kirk." Hmmm. Is it any wonder why Chuck D did most of the rappin and Flav was just the hype man?

Sweetie can tell where this conversation is about to go and replies "Beam me up Scotty." Girl, there is no help for you now! Flav then asks how long it would take to taste Sweetie's mouth. Well, if he'd tried, her mouth would've tasted like vomit because the look on her face tells me she was just about to blow chunks. I even threw up in my mouth a little bit. In good girl fashion, Sweetie tells Flav that she's not that girl and would not kiss him for several more weeks. [Insert sigh of relief here]. Flav is a little disheartened because he likes girls that are a challenge, but he also likes easy girls. OK.

So, as they leave Red Lobster, Sweetie tells the camera that she's actually attracted to Flav (cough *BULLSHIT* cough). Flav says that Sweetie is indeed a sweetie, but probably a little too sweet for the game.

Back at the crib, New York is starting a fight . . . again. Apparently, her jacket is missing and she thinks Hottie stole it. Well, Hottie did say she would go through luggage and cut up clothes, so she's the most obvious suspect.

The ladies go to Hottie's room to watch the confrontation, but Hottie denies taking New York's jacket. I don't think she took it. If she did, she'd admit it because she's just that crazy. New York waxes poetic about how she's a bitch to the core and a wolf, but Hottie is worse because she smiles in people's faces and is a wolf in sheep's clothing. WOW. New York does look like a wolf, huh? In response, Hottie says that everyone is jealous because people say she reminds them of Beyonce! Lemme repeat. Hottie thinks she looks like Beyonce. OK, are we back on track? Good. New York says Hottie looks more like Luther Vandross. This is where I must disagree because New York is dead wrong. Hottie does NOT look as good as Luther, may he rest in peace (Now, Luther and Johnny Gill are rolling over).


Picture Hottie doing something that looks like Yoga or Tai Chi. Goldie (my absolute favorite) comments that Hottie is "2 chocolate chips short of a cookie." BWAAAAAAHHHHHH! I love that girl!

2nd Flavor-Gram time. Today, Pumpkin, Goldie, Hoopz, Smiley and Serious get to go with Flav to throw a party for some of his buddies. At the end, Flav will choose one of the ladies for a private date. Also, 2 ladies will go home next elimination.

Of course, in New York fashion, she starts trippin, commenting that she thought she should be going and that she didn't want Flav to go without her. BITCH, you went on the first date. This group is for the ladies who DID NOT go on the first date. ARE YOU CRAZY? Oh wait, yeah she is. Anyway, she starts crying, convincing Red Oyster, the dirty rat, that she really is in love with Flav. Now, we know Oyster is a plant, but she can't be that stupid. Everything about New York is staged, like a drag queen from Paris is Burning.

Back to the ladies chosen for the date. This group looks much more sensible than the other, but that ain't sayin too much.

  • Smiley (aka HO): Barely has anything on. She's got a piece of cloth covering the hot spots, but it's ugly! She's the hot mess of this group.
  • Pumpkin (aka Substoot Teechr): She's got on a simple black asymmetrical strapless dress with a silver tie.
  • Hoopz (aka Hooker): She's got on a red skirt and a belly-baring tee.
  • Goldie (aka The One I Want to Win!): She's wearing a really pretty blue faux wrap dress. G'on Goldie! This is the best ensemble I've seen the entire show.
  • Serious (aka Dull Model): She's wearin a long black skirt and a jean halter top of which her boobies are threatening to pop out.

Meanwhile, New York is cryin to Flav about not being able to go on the date. The rest of the girls think she's nuts and fake. They're not wrong. Flav comforts her by smacking her ass. Joy.
The ladies and Flav load up in the limo and pull up to the park. They're about to play with the kids. I mean, Flav does have 6 now and wants 4 more. PAUSE. This negro wants 4 more. If you'll recall, he can't pay for the one's he already has. This is why our people will never rise up and overcome. UNPAUSE.

The ladies are running Lulu's birthday party. They've got a strict schedule to follow because Lulu's momma is a Nazi. Goldie says there's too much on the schedule, while Pumpkin isn't worried because she's a substoot teechr and cheerleading coach. Why do I have a feeling that we'll be hearing about this more than once? We'll count this as 1.

These kids are bad-asses. They're breaking raw eggs, jumpin all over the place, and one has a shitty diaper and he did not like Pumpkin. Smiley is being bossy. Goldie gets barfed on (but she's used to vomit). Serious face paints. In all, it looks like everyone is having a good time but Pumpkin.

Flav comes out and comments on each of the girls. Pumpkin's feelings get hurt because she's the most distant. She takes it personal because, she is after all a substoot teechr and cheerleading coach (that's 2). So who wins the mystery date? Stay tuned.


Looks like Serious is the winner because the kids liked her the most. Funny thing is Serious doesn't feel like she's good with kids. Better luck next time Goldie.

Back at the house, Sweetie talks to Hottie and Red Oyster about Flav's advances. Both ladies say that they would've done it to Flav if he'd asked them. Clearly, those two are in it to win it.
The date girls return and pumpkin is crying because she's a substoot teechr and cheerleading coach (that's 3) and Flav told her she sucked! Peachez tells Pumpkin to talk to Flav before he makes the elimination.

In another room, New York asks Serious if she's ok. Apparently, Hoopz takes that as a sign that New York is tryin to start something. Both of them are clearly nuts. New York's message to Hoopz is that she's gonna claw her way to Flav's heart because he's just amazing and that's her man. ICK!

Serious and Flav leave for their date - a dinner in the backyard. This time Flav has on a white and black pinstriped suit and a hat. He still looks like a midget in a grown man's suit. Serious is wearing what she calls a dress. I wouldn't though.

So, they start conversing about whether or not Serious finds Flav, a 46-year-old man attractive. She lies and says yes (but I guess she's gotta if she wants to win). Meanwhile, Red Oyster is spying on their date. She also thinks Serious is there to further her modeling career. Dayum Oyster is a rat. Well, I don't think Flav is feeling Serious is sincere, so they end their date and he walks her to her bedroom.

Flav wants to vibe with Pumpkin. She tells him that she's a substoot teechr and cheerleading coach (that's 4), and that his comments about the challenge hurt her. So, to prove how good she is with kids, she kisses Flav. YUCK!

Red Oyster, the dirty rat, goes straight to Flav and tells him that she thinks Serious is insincere. Flav agrees, and the two part ways. Now, it's clock time!


Flav has to choose 2 girls to leave. All of the girls are nervous. Goldie is "skird!" Did I mention that I want Goldie to win? Well, who knows what time it is?

  • Red Oyster - they've got a connection. She's his rat.
  • Sweetie - even though she didn't put out.
  • Pumpkin - that kiss worked for her.
  • Smiley - I have no clue why, but she's still there.
  • Goldie - Yeeeuh!
  • Hottie - no one ever claps for her. She's a gold digger, but which one of these chicks isn't?
  • New York - cryin works every time, although I'm sure Red Oyster has been advocating for her, too.
  • Hoopz - she's the cutest one, so of course he's gonna keep her.

That means time is up for Serious and Peachez. Pity pity. In their parting words, here's what the 2 said.

  • Serious, who was crying, thought she felt a connection, but was feeling misunderstood. Flav is an intellectual and she loves that. Also, she's gonna like him all the way back to Atlanta. All the way back to Atlanta, huh? Now that's love!
  • Peachez is so sad because Flav is truly connected and speaks from a higher power and says so many inspirational things.

Are these bitches crazy? Well, of course they are. They wanna marry FLAVOR FLAV!!!!

Friday, January 13, 2006

Al Qaeda #2, #3

Today, the US attacked a target in Pakistan where Al Qaeda's #2 man, Ayman al-Zawahiri was believed to be hiding. Is it just me, or is this like the 3rd #2 we've attacked in months? Let's see, we've got . . .

Ayman al-Zawahiri
Abu Musab al-Zarqawi
Abu Azzam

I'm really really glad we got #2 an entire three times, but when are we gonna concentrate on getting numero uno?

Say Paraskavedekatriaphobia 3 times fast!

Today is Friday the 13th. Spooky!

This is a day feared by many many Americans. Paraskavedekatriaphobia is actually the clinical name for Friday the 13th-phobia. So, why do so many people think Friday the 13th is an unlucky day? Well, actually, it is! According to Wikipedia:

Strangely, there is evidence to suggest that Friday the 13th is actually unlucky for some. Psychologists have found that some people are especially likely to have accidents or fall ill on Friday the 13th. This has been attributed to such people feeling a heightened state of anxiety on that day. The Stress Management Center and Phobia Institute in Asheville, North Carolina estimates that in the United States alone, $800 or $900 million is lost in business each Friday the 13th because some people will not travel or go to work.

The date is also well-known in the motorcycle (biker) community: since 1981, motorcycle enthusiasts and vendors gather every Friday the 13th in Port Dover, Ontario, Canada. This tradition started on November 13, 1981 by Chris Simons as a gathering of approximately 25 friends. The event has grown substantially, with an estimated 100,000 people attending in August 2004, as well as music bands, vendors, a bike show, etc.

So, on this fine Friday the 13th, I wish everyone safe travels. Also, I wish Sharky-poo a HAPPY BIRTHDAY! It couldn't have been better timed. Hope he doesn't have Paraskavedekatriaphobia.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Flavor of Love - Meet the Groupies (including updates)

Like many of you, I wondered about the true origins of some of the women competing for dear ol' Flav's heart. Actually, I noticed that a lot of people have ended up here because they were looking up information about specific girls. Here's what my excellent research skills allowed me to dig up. I should seriously be a reporter!

Red Oyster is a professional actress with a lil bitty resume. Oh, and SHE'S MARRIED!!!! Click on the last couple.

Smiley, the shy one who wanted Flav to see her true self, is actually a professional video ho who tried out to be a WWE Diva.

Serious, the model, is kinda skanky. Check out her website.

Hottie (aka HOT MESS) is no stranger to the reality dating show scene. She appeared on an episode of Blind Date just before Christmas. She also has a some websites to check out HERE, HERE and HERE. Did you know that she is the descendant of an Irishman and the royal family of Madagascar? cough *BULLSHIT* cough!

Everyone seems to think that Hoopz is the best looking. Well, in addition to being a baskeball player, she's an INTERNET HO and STRIPPER! You too can book her for your special occasion, but don't aske me what that means.

Georgia got eliminated in the 2nd show because she bored Flav with her Feng Shui. Here's her website.

Peachez, the crazy lookin white chick, is a singer who toured with George Clinton. If you listen to her music on MySpace you might die of sheer boredom from her voice. She has no funk in her voice whatsoever! What is George thinking (besides "that's a nice piece of ass!").

That's all kiddies. If I find anything more, I'll let you know. I'm still looking for the likes of New York, Miss Latin, and my fave for Flav, Goldie!!!

Oh, and for htose of you who haven't read, take a look at my live recaps from EPISODE 1 and EPISODE 2.


Can anyone believe that crazy, gap-toothed Rain is a model.

Sweetie is an aspiring singer who penned the song "I Love My Thug." I'm not making this stuff up! Check out her MySpace.

Pumpkin, the substoot teechr and hypnotist assistant also has a MySpace page. I dunno if it's legit though. That bitch looks waaaaay older than 25. Rumor has it that she is in the newe Hydroxycut commercial.

SPOILER: Wikipedia is reporting that the winner is . . . (drum roll) . . . NEW YORK. This confirms that Flav is into dudes. However, there's another spolier floating around that he picks HOOPZ. (To see the spoiler names more clearly, just highlight em). We shall see.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

And lest not forget my favorite new blog

Did you guys here that Larry King just started a blog? Welcome to the Internets, Larry!

Beats, Rants & Life

I must give a shout out to Beats, Rants & Life and his blog Beats & Rants 2.2. I discovered him because. . . well . . . actually, he discovered me first. This man obviously has impeccable taste! I mean, his name is a take on A Tribe Called Quest album AND he's led most of the masses here because he likes my Flavor of Love recaps.

Recently, Beats found this ?uestlove interview from around the time The Roots put out Phrenology (for all of my study buddies from first year, that's the album with The Seed. Hmmm, I wonder what ever happened to Cody Chestnut?). It's a must-read.

Monday, January 09, 2006

Flavor Flav, Booooooyyyy! Live recap of Episode 2.

Ok, so it's live for me becaues I missed the episode when it came on Sunday. Forgive me please. I was passed out in an alcohol-induced coma (thanks Shandee). So, I'm doing my recap while watching the rerun (how many times a week can VH1 play the same shows?).
When we last left Flav, he told 5 of his 20 suitors that their time was up. Now down to 15 ladies, hijinx continue to ensue.

Day 2 of the competition begins as a beautiful morning, or so we hope. The Flav-ettes are waking up and sharing tales of their hatred of Miss New York. Dayum, New York looks like a man in drag.

All the women hate New York. Could it be her cheerful disposition? Her pretty weave? Her adam's apple? Whatever the reason, New York is public enemy #1, and apparently, Miss Latin is the only New York fan in the house.

Cut to the dining room. All the ladies, save New York and Miss Latin, gather for breakfast. Big Rick brings a platter with a Flav-o-gram inside. Looks like the ladies get 10 minutes of Flav-on-one time. The 3 girls he likes the most will get to join him on an awesome adventure. However, after the dates, Flav must eliminate 5 more girls.

Cut to Miss Latin in another room on the phone. Apparently, she places a call to her ex-boo of 4 years, Cash (yes, his name is Cash, like $$$).

New York and Miss Latin enter the dining room, however, all things are not well. New York tells all the women good morning, except for Rain, who she tells to choke. What a beautiful way to start the day!

Cut to scene of the women primping, or should I say ho-ing up for the date at with Flav. They then load up into 2 vans for the trip.

What a surprise. The women in New York's van start arguing. She and Rain are goin at him. Rain even invokes the Lord by sayin "Oh praise him!" Rain needs New York out of her bloodstream. My goodness, weave is flyin and fake nails are clickin in the air. I think they're gonna start scrappin!


Flav chose hot tubs for the girls to decorate because he wants to see what they are workin with. The girls break out the candles, flowers, balloons and bikins. Flav will spent 10 minutes with each lady. Here's what he got:

  • Pumpkin is first. She and Flav cozy up. She decorates her tub with bubbles which have actions written inside. Flav chooses the 1st - Shower with kisses. They get busy. This is not for the faint at heart.
  • Flav and Red Oyster play dirty minds.
  • Peachez sings Flav a song.
  • Cutie raps and wiggles her booty.
  • New York decorates her hot tub with candles and flower petals. She talks of peace.
  • Rain talks about her crazy relationships.
  • Apples does a hula dance and Flav leis her.
  • Georgia introduces Flave to Feng Shui.
  • Goldie starts booty shakin with her country ass! Gotta love Goldie.
  • Smiley just takes off her make-up to show her real side. She still believes in love. How sweet and crap-tastic!
  • Dimplez rollerskates. She has a beautiful smile. Apparently, she thinks Flav does too.
  • Hottie is nuts. She tries to hypnotize him.
  • Miss Latin is THICK! Especially in the middle. She's here for Flav.
In all, this challenge was really really lame and these women are desperate! Which 3 does Flav choose? Smiley, New York, and Miss Latin. New York is NOT shocked that she won.

Around 4am, Flav hears the girls talking in the kitchen. Pumpkin and New York are fightin because New York is just a big old meanie. New York tells Pumpkin she ain't got it and needs a facelift. Pumpkin takes off the kid gloves. "At least I don't look like a transvestite" with your "dick tucked behind your nutsack!" Ooh, somebody betta hold New York back before she fights like the man that she is.

Flav comes out of his room and Pumpkin rats out New York. Flav comforts Pumpkin. I find it hilarious that Pumpkin was cryin when she clearly got the better snap in!

New York feels she's awesome and totally has it goin on. Hmmmm.


Miss Latin calls Cash again. He hangs up on her sorry ass. I'm guessing he broke up with her because of the show, which is smart. I wouldn't want my lady chasin Flav!

Miss Latin talks to the girls about how much she misses her man. Whoa! They've only been broken up a week! Miss Lating agrees that if Cash asked her to come back to him, she'd dump Flav in a heartbeat. Smart girl, but dumb girl to tell the others because we all know someone is gonna dime her out.

Cut to the ladies. The 3 girls chosen for the special date receive clothes from Flav. They get ready for what promises to be an interesting evening. Flav has on his long turquoise jacket with purple and black fur trim for this special occassion. He looks as fly as the flyest pimp! Ohh, they're gonna bounce, rock, rollerskate!

New York is rubbin all over Flav. Miss Latin falls on her arse. Well, that seems to get Flav's attention, so New York falls too. Flav is hip to her game. Besides, he wants to feel the physical attraction.

So after skating, he feeds his dates the finest food that the snackbar serves. Here's what we learn:

  • Smiley was married once. Her husband wasn't in love with her and she wasn't the one. TEAR! Flav said it's ok. It takes a while to find the right one. I mean, look at him. He's had a bunch of babies with a bunch of different women.
  • Miss Latin has been married twice. There were some serious differences eith 2nd one (which I'm assuming is Cash). She didn't mention Flav though.


The dates went well. Miss Latin feels confident. Meanwhile, a group of girls are discussing Miss Latin's relationship with her ex, but most agreed that it was none of their business. Well . . . all except Hottie that is.

BTW, what the fuck is Hottie wearing?!?! She's got on this thing that wraps around and separates her big droopy titties, then forms into pants with slits on the sides. That's not baby fat. That's fat, baby. And don't let me get started on her weave.

Anyhoo, Hottie goes to Miss Latin and tells her that the whole house is talking about her ex and how she would choose him over Flav. Miss Latin gets defensive (even though she said it). Hottie says that she's going to tell Flav because she cares about him.

Dinner time! Miss Latin tells all the ladies what Hottie said. Hottie says "I don't know what you're talking about." The other women call Hottie out because they know she's a lying instigator. Rain throws in a "Praise Jesus!" (she really loves the Lord). While these chicks are totally backbiting, Goldie comments that the chicken they were supposed to be eating was quite lovely! I LOVE GOLDIE!

Meanwhile, Red Oyster sits in Flav's lap, with a Diet coke in hand, and proceeds to rat out Miss Latin. And here I thought it was gonna be Hottie. This news did not soothe Flav's soul!

Clock time!


We're back to the clock ceremony. The girls are commenting on their chances. Rain feels "mad less secure" because Flav doesn't really know anything new about her, while Smiley fears her emotions during the date may have ruined her chance.

Good Lord, what is Hottie wearing. As I heard earlier tonight, you should not wear a belly shirt if you actually have a belly! That girl looks like a hot mess!

Dayum, somebody said that New York looks lie Shrek. BWAAAAAAAHHH!

15 narrows to 10:

  • Sweetie
  • Serious
  • Smiley
  • Peachez
  • Hoopz
10 bodies, 5 clocks, who will be the ones to walk the blocks
  • Goldie
  • Hottie (dayum, nobody even clapped for her)
  • New York (wow, Rain is really cut deep by this one)
  • Pumpkin
  • Red Oyster

Pause: Flav takes a minute to make a speech about rats. Miss Latin is a dirty rat for disrespecting Flav by callin her ex-bf. Adios Miss Latin! Apparently, Red Oyster is a clean rat because he keeps her.

What? Rain is not on the list? Well, that ghetto bitch had to go sometime. Praise Jesus, I say!

This episode wasn't nearly as entertaining as the first. If the next one sucks, I'm soooo not recapping it. I'd rather do recaps of My Own anyway. Now that's the BEST SHOW EVER (that one is just for you Palma).

When a tragedy is a comedy and vice versa

Me, Sharky, Romius, and Kenja watched Grizzly Man, a much-lauded documentary about Timothy Treadwell, a bear activist who spent 13 summers in Alaskan bear-country only to be mauled by the very animals he loved.

The Sundance award-winner was marketed as poignant story about a man, his bears, and the resulting tragedy.

Who was Timothy Treadwell? Was he an eco-warrior? An animal lover along the lines of Dian Fossey? A true hero? Sure. He was all of these and none of these at the same time. You see, Timothy Treadwell loved the bears and I believe he was sincere in his desire to protect them. He was also an anthropomorphic nutjob with an obvious death wish as he hung out with bears who are known to kill and eat people when they get hungry. This man was CRAZY and it showed throughout the entire film!!!!

In reality, Grizzly Man was the FUNNIEST shit I've seen in a while, and that's sayin a lot because we watched The 40-Year-Old Virgin afterward. Much like tards, it's not nice to laugh at people who die from a bear maulin', but I'll be damned if this wasn't the sleeper comedy of the year - and it wasn't meant to be funny at all.

In sharp contrast, do you know what is NOT funny? Emily's Reasons Why Not. That's the new Sex & the City-like sitcom featuring Heather Graham about a pretty white chick who just can't find a love. So, after a lifetime of dating disasters, Emily creates a rule where she will pay more attention to the "red-flags" that pop up during her relationships, and once she finds 5 reasons to NOT date her current squeeze, she'll break up with him.

In tonight's show, the dim bulb that is Emily starts dating a guy from Marketing who wouldn't get physical with her (boy do I know her pain - another post kiddies). Instead of just asking the man "que passo?," she and her even dimmer friends deduce that he's gay based on Emily's 5 reasons. Emily breaks up with him only to find out that he's not gay at all. SHOCKER! He's simply a Mormon virgin! Sounds like it should be funny, right? I mean, any joke where Mormon virgin is the punchline usually kills! Well, not in this case. Ooh, I think I just drooled on my laptop from the boredom-induced coma I feel into while watching this show.

So, to pay homage to the funniest and un-funniest viewing experiences I've had in the past few days, I present to you, my reading public . . .

Foxxxy Love's Reasons Why Not . . . to feel sorry for Timothy Treadwell or Heather Graham:

1. Tim CHOSE to hang out with bears! I know Tim loved the bears. But, as I said to Sharky this weekend, Crackheads love crack. That don't make it right.

2. Heather is a dough-eyed beauty, and as such, will find another crappy vehicle. I mean, look at Jessica Alba. She has no talent to speak of - aside from getting half-nekked - but people keep going to see her, right?

3. Tim's memory lives on through his 2 books, the 2 documentaries on his death, and his crazy followers. Did I mention that his followers are also nutjobs? Shit. His girlfriends even followed him out to the wilderness every summer, and one got mauled right by his side. Check out Grizzly Attack and Grizzly People.

4. Heather was in at least 2 of my favorite movies: Boogie Nights and License to Drive. In one, she was Rollergirl, a rollerskate wearing porn start. In the other, she was Mercedes, the object of Corey Haim's desire. I'm not saying that she was a highlight in either movie (although she gets nekked in Boogie Nights, which I'm sure means a lot to those who like boobies), but at least she was there. "Archie's! Come back! Come baaaaack!"

5. The bears were well fed that year. Ok, this one is a bit harsh, but funny, you must admit. One of the reasons Tim and his guest were served as bear lunch was due to the fact that there was not enough food for the bears to feast on that summer. So, when you think about it, he gave his life so the bears could live. Well . . . not really considering the rangers shot and killed the bear that contained about 4 garbage bags worth of Tim and Aimee's remains (and I'm so not kidding). Oh, the irony!

6. Heather could have it worse. John Stamos' show could come on before her show instead of after. Didn't his brother get all the talent in that family anyway? I heard he does a rousing rendition of Loving You.

So, if you're looking for a full-bellied chuckle, please rent Grizzly Man. Seriously, you'll laugh your ass off (even if you're not nearly as sick and twisted as I am). If you want a good nap, catch Emily's Reasons Why Not Mondays at 8pm. That was the best half-hour of rest I've had in days . . . years even.

Friday, January 06, 2006

Wyatt, you soooooo owe me!

My good friend Wyatt is having a show in a few weeks. Contrary to the "One Nite Only" label, this is the 2nd time the show is being performed, this time at the request of Comedy Central. So, Wyatt needs a packed house.

I heard the show is hilarious, so if you live in LA or surrounding parts, you should try to catch the show. I'll probably take a road trip myself.


Wyatt Cenac and Thomas Fowler and THE MOTHER OF ALL BLACK COMEDY

Bigger than Diddy's Bad Boys of Comedy... Blacker than Wesley Snipes in blackface... Sassier than Nell Carter, Shirley Hemphill AND Queen Latifah... Crazier than a white woman giving birth to a black baby... and more street cred than having EIGHT rappers star in a movie with Ashton Kutcher! Wyatt Cenac and Thomas Fowler in association with Thomas Fowler and Wyatt Cenac present... THE MOTHER OF ALL BLACK COMEDY!!

Featuring Holly Walker, Laura Swisher, Robin Thede, KJ Middlebrooks, Thomas Fowler, Wyatt Cenac
Music from Mr. Alfred Hawkins

The Mother of All Black Comedy
Thursday January 26th @ 8:00 PM. The Comedy Central Stage. 6539 Santa Monica Boulevard Hollywood, California 90038. Show is free!! Reservations required: Call for reservations (323) 960-5519 or Email reservations to:

Lou Rawls died today

Lou was 72 and battling lung and brain cancer. While he lived, he was a soul icon. Everyone loved Lou's smoothe voice. Who doesn't know that song You'll Never Find Another Love Like Mine?

I was an even bigger fan of his animated voice work. Lou supplied voices for many cartoon characters (I know, I'm a complete nerd), most notably for show like Rugrats and Hey Arnold on Nickelodeon. He was also a voice on Captain Planet and the Planeteers (for those of you old enough to remember).

I'm "gonna miss, gonna miss" you Lou.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Actually, Wal-Mart is worse than Black 'publicans!

I don't even know what to say about this right now, so I'll just post the article. FUCK WAL-MART! I will NEVER shop there again (not that I did anyway). WAL-MART IS RACIST (among many other bad things)!

Wal-Mart Halts Web Site's Movie References

Wal-Mart Stores Inc. is shutting down the system that creates movie recommendations on its shopping Web site after it linked a "Planet of the Apes" DVD to films about famous black Americans, including Martin Luther King Jr.

Wal-Mart said Thursday it had removed what it called the "offensive combinations" from a walmart.com page advertising a boxed DVD set, "Planet of the Apes: The Complete TV Series."

Under a "similar items" section, the DVD set's page linked shoppers to four films about the lives of King, actress Dorothy Dandridge, boxer Jack Johnson and singer Tina Turner. Wal-Mart later altered the page to link with television show DVDs.

The world's largest retailer said the software that generates links for shoppers from one movie to others of similar interest would be shut down. All cross references would be removed as soon as technically possible until the system can be fixed, Wal-Mart said.

Bill Wertz, a spokesman for the Bentonville, Ark.-based company, said it wasn't yet clear how or when the technical problem arose. "We're still looking into it," he said.

Wal-Mart moved swiftly after a link to the page for "Planet of the Apes" began circulating on the Internet.

"We are heartsick that this happened and are currently doing everything possible to correct the problem," Wal-Mart spokeswoman Mona Williams said in a statement.

"Walmart.com's item mapping process does not work correctly and at this point is mapping seemingly random combinations of titles. We were horrified to discover that some hurtful and offensive combinations are being mapped together," she said, adding that the company was "deeply sorry that this happened."

"To further illustrate the bizarre nature of this technical issue, the site is also mapping movies such as `Home Alone' and `Power Puff Girls' to African-American-themed DVDs," Williams said.

A documentary about surfers, "Riding Giants," links to the same list of seemingly unrelated fantasy films as the King biopic, including "Polar Express" and "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory."

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

There is NOTHING worse than a black 'publican!

Lynn Swann, famed football player and sports commentator, has decided to run for governor of Pennsylvania - as a 'publican! BOOOOOOO!

Several years ago, I ran into Lynn Swann in New Orleans. He was walking down Canal Street carryin his golf bag. I said to my boyfriend at the time "Look, it's Lynn Swann!" I was kinda starstruck then. But no more. If I saw Lynn Swann on the street today, I'd trip him or throw a rotten piece of fruit at him or somethin.

I wouldn't describe myself as a hate-filled person, but dammit, I HATE BLACK REPUBLICANS. I hate black 'publicans more than any other kind of 'publican. Seriously, I believe that there's a special place in hell for black 'publicans. Here's why:

They all use that lame ass "the Democratic party has taken the black vote for granted" rhetoric. Well, I can't disagree. Democrats don't deliver a fraction of what they promise black voters. However, being taken for granted by Democrats is infintely better than being completely ignored by 'publicans. Let me repharase. 'Publicans pay plenty of attention to black folks. They blame us for all crime, they give us harsher criminal penalties, they try to get rid of affirmative action, they cut spending on programs which help us, and they leave us for dead during natural disasters. I'm all for making parties work for black votes, but no matter how much "work" 'publicans do, it always seems to be in the worst interest of black people. I'll take a party that takes me for granted over a party trying to destroy me any day.

They're fuckin delusional. For instance, folks like Clarence Thomas and Ward Connerly honestly believe that they have NEVER benefitted from Affirmative Action policies. Condi Rice grew up in Alabama during the brunt of the civil rights movement, and she supposedly doesn't remember a thing? Armstrong Williams thought Sen. Thurmond, a card-carrying klansman (who secretly fathered a black child), was a wonderful man. What do all of these folks have in common (besides being black 'publicans)? That's right. They're all fucking nuts (there are meds for that). These folks are in serious denial. They're under the impression that because they were able to rise from adversity and pull themselves up by their bootstraps that things must be just swell! HELLO! Not everyone has boots. Not everyone is given a shot. Those bitches were all extremely LUCKY! But instead of using their fortune to help others or even to lead in a good way, they use their power to hurt the rest of us. Fuck you, you self-hating delusional bastards!

They think that white is right. Black 'publicans in the national spotlight are self-loathing Uncle Toms. Yeah, I said it! What self-respecting black person wants to support a party that carries out policies that are destructive to our race as well as people of color in general? Black people who hate other black people and who hate themselves for being black, that's who! So instead of helping other black people, they do everything they can to separate themselves from "those black people." That includes adopting self-loathing ideology. However, rich black 'publicans who think their money gives them special status are not the only culprits. Poor black 'publicans in the South are the same way. They claim to vote 'publican because of "religious" reasons, but I don't buy that shit at all. They simply vote for white people because they're still stuck in the frame of mind that white is right, especially if it's Christian and white. For cryin out loud, my own grandmother always told me I was ugly because I was dark (and I'm a sexy bitch, wink). She was probably votin for Jesse like the rest of the poor brainwashed masses.

Like most 'publicans, they're just plain stupid. Lynn Swann opposes abortion rights. That's stupid. Condi Rice really believes that Dubya is smart. She's stupid. Clarence Thomas can't write a judicial opinion to save his life. He's stupid. Armstrong Williams got caught taking kickbacks from the Bush administration to push it's education agenda. Fuckin idiot. J.C. Watts thought the 'publicans were gonna take care of him if he denounced the Congressional Black Caucus. What a tard. Joseph C. Phillips really believes in the "war on terror." Good Lord. Colin Powell left the Bush administration. Well, at least he came to his senses.

So, the next time you see or hear a black 'publican, shun him or her. They are evil and must be destroyed. Even my favorite black 'publican Colin Powell should at least be given a stern talking to. As for Lynn Swann's candidacy, I say SHAME ON YOU, SELLOUT!

For more fearful information on Black Republicans, please see The Black Republican. This site is just plain looney.

Who do I have to blow to get a star on the Walk of Fame?

Apparently, the same guy (or girl as rumor would have it) Queen Latifah is blowing! Give it to 'em Queen (and for those of you who don't get it, that's a reference to song lyric from back when she was a rapper).

Queen Latifah Gets Walk of Fame Star

Unfortunately for Romuis, that still means he's not getting a BJ. Would some lonely . . . I mean lovely lady out there take one for the team? I heard he's got 3 inches of thunder!

That's pretty fucked up

About 2 hours ago, I glanced at MSN and the headline read that 12 of the 13 people trapped in the West Virgina mine were found ALIVE. I breathed a sigh of relieve and went about my business.

Now, as I prepare to go to bed 2 hours later, the headlines have changed. Despite earlier reports, only 1 miner was found alive. The rest DIED.

How in God's green earth does a mistake like this happen? I'm sure that in the coming days, blame will be placed on the press, the mine, and even the families of the miners. Any way you look at it, it's a shame.

My heart goes out to the families of the miners and the one survivor. They've all truly been through a tremendous ordeal.

If anyone wants to buy me anything. . .

I'll take a bottle of Escada eau de parfum. It smellz yummy and at $60 for 1.7 ounces, it's a steal!

I don't really like perfume all that much, mainly because I always come away smelling like 56 year old flowers. Did I mention I HATE flowers (just in case anyone is moved to send me some as a gift)? But ever since I sprayed myself in the eye yesterday with the Escada, I can't help but want more - and no, it's not because the alcohol from the perfume penetrated my eye, entered my bloodstream, and made me drunk. It just smelled good.

So, again, if anyone would like to buy me a gift (including you cheap bastards who did not get me anything for Christmahannukwanakah, my birthday, festivus, or any other made up holiday), hook a sista up!

UPDATE: Back away from the perfume, kiddies. Sharky bought me some on his way back to the states. Funny, because the day before, I went and bought myself a small bottle. Thanks Shark. Now I'll smell extra pretty for ya!

Dear Rudy,

Molly said stop stalking her.



Sunday, January 01, 2006

Flavor Of Love - A Live Recap


I'm so excited to bring to you my live recap of the new Celebreality series, Flavor of Love, featuring one of my reality favorites, Flavor Flav!

Flav just wants to "share [his] world" with someone special, other than Brigette Nielsen because she's married. So why not find that special someone through a reality show? Hell, it worked for The Bachelor and Joe Millionaire. Ha! So, VH1 hooked my boy up with 20 beautiful (and this term is used loosely) women who will compete for the Flav's heart and bankroll. This is true love, American style.

The show opens with a montage displaying Flav's rise, fall, and rise to fame. He's like the proverbial Phoenix, I tell ya. He's got fame, money, and all of the finer things in life, including his "macadocious mansion," but like LL Cool J, he needs love. Enter the 20 chicks of all races, ages, and weave lengths. These girls are rarin to go and will do anything to get Flav's attention.

Here is but a sampling of what some of the beauties said in the first few minutes of the show:
  • Seeing Flav back in the day let her know that it was okay to be loud and boisterous!
  • One beauty said she was attracted to Flav because he has gold teeth, just like dear old dad (I couldn't make this up if I tried).
  • He may or may not be taking care of his children. I'm sure that was a relief to her parents when she told them she was going on the show.
  • Her all natural 34 DD's will attract some attention.

Once Flav enters the mansion, he's greeted with screams from his adoring suitors (is there a feminine version of this word?). He tells them to make themselves at home and choose rooms. Oh no, there are 20 girls but only 15 beds. That means 5 of the bevy of beauties will be going home tonight! (Duhn, duhn, duhn)


Flav can't remember names, so he's gonna give the girls nicknames because "he might can remember" them easier. I'm not sure about that logic, but it is FLAVOR FLAV!

The naming ceremony begins. Flav quickly names the Asian girl Oyster as he feels her up while putting on her nametag. She doesn't like the name - I wonder why? He goes on, naming the remainder of the girls based on their attributes:

  • Smile = girl with big teeth
  • Sweetie = girl with ass
  • Cherry = girl with big nipples
  • Bubblez = girl with big titties
  • Peachez = random white chick
  • Georgia = girl from Georgia
  • Hottie = girl who reminds me of a black Pam Anderson
  • Pumpkin = another random white girl
  • Picasso = artsy chick
  • Dimplez = girl with dimples
  • Hoopz = b-ball player
  • New York = girl from New York
  • Serious = professional model
  • Pumpkin = yet another random white chick
  • Latin Girl = hmmm, I wonder why he chose that name?

and with a pregnant pause and a few "umms," he names the SCUBA diving enthusiast Shellz! Judging by the cleverness and originality of the names he's chosen, it's easy to see why these women want Flav to fall in love with them.

Flav announces that that the rest of the evening will be a mixer. In unison, the girls give a big "FLAVOR FLAV!!!"


The mixer begins. It reminds one girl of a "ghetto prom." How refreshing. As we see the women poppin corks (from champagne bottles you pervs), they give the audience a little insight into their hopes, fears, and personalities. Here are some highlights:

  • One girl, nicknamed Apples, was afraid of the other girls because she "didn't know how ghetto they were." And this is a woman vying for Flav's affections? Did she get lost on the way to the Who Wants to Be a Hilton set?
  • Low and behold, the Asian chick, Smokey, is a fucking idiot. Kudos to her for breaking a stereotype.
  • Pumpkin is a "substoot teechr," cheerleading coach, and she's blonde. Wow. Talent!
  • While Hottie, aka black Pam Anderson, steals Flav away and "was totally hogging him," Smokey the Asian hits us with another epiphany. "Is competitiveness a word?" Oh, I hope she stays for a few weeks because she's too much fun!
  • Smiley, the Big Toothed Ho, says that she's really a nerd and she's not a ho at all. LIAR.
  • Cherry says "I'm a sexual beast, which is almost all the way true." Thanks Jezabel!
  • Sweetie, the girl with ass, asked Flav if he can still hang between the sheets. In case you were wondering (I know you weren't because I really wasn't either), Flav's sexual appetite is not waning and he does NOT need Viagra. He is, however, "driving a bus, not a mack truck."
  • And one poor girl really hopes Flav will see through all of the sexual innuendo. Innuendo? Honey, it's not an innunendo if it's offered on a platter.


Flav knows he must get rid of 5 girls, but he just doesn't wanna. He goes out on the patio and embeds himself in a 5-honey sammich, getting more personal time with the beauties. One is Oyster the Asian, not to be confused with the stupid girl, Smokey the Asian (contrary to popular belief, they don't ALL look alike. Just most of em do. I'm totally kidding! Don't kill me Tracy!). Oyster points out that she's unique because she's worn red everyday for the past 5 years. Honey, that's not unique. That's just dumb as fuck.

Cut to inside the mansion. Goldie thinks she's just a "lil tipsy" even though she's slurring her speech and starts beatboxing for the camera. OK! Cut to Goldie passed out on the couch. Rain tries to help her up, but all Goldie can do is puke in a trash can on the living room floor. EEEW! "It smells like chicken!" One girls thinks that Goldie might be allergic to alcohol. Nah, it was just the champagne sneakin up on her!

Cut to the elimination ceremony prepartion. Dryers are a blowin, weaves are a flyin, make up is being applied. New York has nothing to worry about because she has "one up on all the women in the house, if not more." Well, at least she can string words together to make a complete thought. That's a start. Oyster the Asian points out that for once, she is not hte bitchiest woman in the room. That honor goes to New York!

As the girls primp, Flav stands in front of clocks with pictures of each of the girls in the center. You guessed it. He's going to give clocks to the 15 he chooses. The other 5 are out of time, which means they gotsta go!

Flav has no problem choosing the 5 women to eliminate. He's nothing if not decisive.


All of the girls pontificate on why Flav should choose them. Some are confident. Others are not. Cherry is pretty confident. Goldie is not. I mean, she did have barf-tastic time in the living room. Will her junk in the trunk save her?

Flav enters the room. In front of him stand 20 of the most dazzling women in his mansion (that's as good a compliment as i can muster right now). He starts handing out clocks to the women who know what time it is. He started with 15. Then there were 10. Then there were 5. Then there were none. Who ran out of time?

  • Picasso the artsy chick. She was too deep and damn fugly. Good riddance.
  • Smokey the Asian. Dammit. I wanted her to stay. If we learned anything from Newlyweds, it's that stupid makes good reality tv.
  • Cherry the sexpot. One of the most confident, Cherry was popped. She was also cryin and being a str8 h8r. Get it together girl!
  • Bubblez. Who?
  • Shellz the SCUBA girl. Float on sistah, float on!

What? Goldie made it? Yes, because she's Flave's "fat back and black eyed peas." I wonder if those bits were in her barf?

And just when you think the show is over, you're hit with upcoming scenes from the entire season. We can now look forward to:

  • A bunch of bitches yellin and cryin bitches;
  • Some boring dates;
  • Flav hanging from what looks like an inner tube;
  • Lots of making out (yick); and
  • A cameo by Brigette who will give a lie detector test.

Sounds like standard dating show fare, but this is FLAVOR FLAV, so it will be extra hilarious and a bit icky-poo. I can't wait! It promises to be a scrumptious season of Flavor of Love!

King Kong - Stop Monkeyin' Around!

So I was asked for the 8th time what I thought of King Kong. I didn't originally anticipate writing about this at all, as I'm sure many of my black brethren and sistren (that word is clearly made up) have probably written about it to death. However, I guess I'll just write about it now so I won't have to give my schpiel again. This does not mean that I haven't enjoyed the spirited conversations I've had with many of you. Actually, yelling "THAT'S RACIST!" is one of my favorite passtimes.


It was too long: It took about an hour to get to the fucking island where King Kong lived. Good grief! You'd think that for being as long as it was, we would've at least seen some boobies or something (see post immediately below - LUST).

The special effects were incredible: The T-rex fight was awesome. Yeah animal fights! I also really liked the part with the disgusting bugs and worms (although I hid my head in Shary's arm the entire time). However, I think the effects were the only saving grace of the film. Read on brothas and sistas, read on.

IT WAS FUCKING RACIST!: Good grief. It was worse than Birth of a Nation (and I'm soooo not kidding). The story was racist from the beginning. Lily white woman taken by big black monkey. Big black monkey falls in love with lily white woman. Lily white woman loves big black monkey too. Big black monkey dies over love for lily white woman. When will big black monkey ever learn? Angry Black Bitch clearly does a better job describing the racial subtext of the story.

But let me give you my schpiel on racism on the face of the 2005 update. Note that while viewing the film (and Card Shark and Romius are my witnesses), I actually yelled aloud while pointing at the screen "THAT'S RACIST!"

Was there any need to paint the savage native BLACK. And I don't mean brown like me (I would actually describe myself as a nice blend of brown sugar and cinamon). They were black! As in tar black. I guess that was to avoid any confusion over the savages due to some of their racially ambiguous but exotic features. Did I mention that they were painted BLACK?

Oh, but wait. Painting them black wasn't enough. They also had to do the jungle shuffle. Seriously, they were shakin and chanting and ooga booga-in all over the place. And it wasn't that cute type of ooga booga, like they caught a little bit of jungle fever and started doin the cabbage patch. It was the scary, hide your white women and children type of jungle boogie! Did I mention that the movie was RACIST?

And just when you think it's over, you get fucking white actors in black face toward the end of the movie. They were imitation the jungle boogie of the savage island natives. I haven't seen black face in a movie since Bamboozled, and the people doing the black face were already black for real! I was speechless, except for the pointing and yelling "THAT'S RACIST!"


Now, now folks. I know this was a remake where the director, Peter Jackson, stayed faithful to the original film. But WHY was that necessary again? People retell stories everyday, and they take liberties in telling those stories in order to appeal to the audience of the time. So, Mr. Jackson could have left out all of the horrible racist stuff from the original. He very purposefully did not. So, that either means his audience is white supremacists (who have been known to visit and comment on this here blog - hey boys!) OR maybe, just maybe we're not really over stuff after all and there is very little difference in race attitudes between Americans of the 2000s and Americans of the 1930s. I think it's the latter.

So, I can't very well advise you not to go see King Kong. I did. However, I fully expect everyone who chooses to go to point and yell "THAT'S RACIST!" as many times as humanly possible before the usher escorts you out of the building for ruining everyone else's viewing experience.