Another Flav-tastic Recap - Flavor of Love Episode 6

Welcome back suckas!!! I know ya'll were feenin for the Flavor all last week when the show took a lil break for the Superbowl. Well, let's get this party started.

It must've been a wild night because Flav wakes up in a Smiley/Hoopz sammich. Flav is quite the "Flav-mantic." As he stares lovingly at Hoopz, he tells her that he's "hipmatized" by her. Awwww. Isn't that tweet? Hoopz shares the warm sentiment, noting that the intimacy between she and Flav is so natural. Indeed. Smiley, not to be left out of the love fest, woke up with "such a nice warm feeling" in her heart. I'm so filled with love . . . or is that vomit?

Cut to the sight of Hot Mess jumpin rope and very close to putting her own eye out with that bosom of hers. She's ready for whatever comes, but can't wait until the other girls leave. Meanwhile, Trannie (aka New York) drags hard on her cigarette and complains about not getting a clock at the last elimination.

While getting ready for his day, Flav spies something interesting on another reality tv show. He jumps up with excitement and brings the girls (sans Hot Mess) up to his room. They all crowd on his bed and watch.

OOOOH it's HOT MESS on Blind Date. What's worse is that she's wearing that horrible turquoise outfit that makes her boobs look like they're being held captive by ace bandages (thank the tv lawd for the pause and rewind buttons because I NEVER would've spotted the outfit otherwise). I know, I know. It's not much unlike all of her outfits, but ya'll know the one I'm talking about. I wrote about it in Episode 2. Anyhoo, Hot Mess is talking about how she likes nice things. Now I ain't sayin she a gold-digga. . . Oh, it get's better.

In the background, you hear Hot Mess's blind date say the only difference between Hot Mess and a hooker is "she doesn't recognize that she might be a hooker!" Say it with me folks. DAYUM!!!!! Do you mean to tell me that Hot Mess isn't in it for LOVE? I don't believe it! Of course, Flav is disappointed because he doesn't like fake people. Flav asks the girls not to tell Hot Mess what they saw. He'll find out if she's for real, and if not, he'll "put that shit on blast!"

After the Blind Date debacle, Pumpkin admits to Hoopz that she was on Blind Date too (hell, I saw the bitch on Next last week, but I won't tell if you don't!). Hoopz thinks that Pumpkin should fess up to Flav, but we all know she won't.

Later, Flav, who's now sportin a TWA (teenie weenie afro), tells the ladies that he's invited a guest! Enter Brigitte, the love of Flav's life, who's tryin to channel Sharon Stone with her Basic In-stank all-white ensemble. The girls don't seem too enthused. I wonder why? Gitte actually does love her lil Foofy Foofy (crazy loves crazy), so she's gonna sniff out the fake bitches. That shouldn't be too hard.

The Foofster leaves Gitte alone with the ladies. Not one to mince words, Gitte asks "If Foofy Foofy was not who he is, and he was to ask you 'if you really love me, whould you come live with me in a camper?' who would do it?" All the girls raise their hands and shout "I would." Ok, first, who is Foofy really? He used to be the hype man for arguably the most influential group in rap music / black music / the world. Now, he's the punchline to a reality tv joke. Second, ya'll are some lyin bitches because none of you want to live in a camper with a man that looks like a gremlin. I smelled that bullshit all the way from Arizona. I'm sure Gitte smelled it immediately.

While opening a bottle of wine, Gitte asks "Who's been sleeping in bed with Foofy Foofy?" Must she be so gauche? Apparently all have shared a taste of Flav because they all raised their hands. To be fair, they claim they're just cuddling, and Goldie emphasizes that they're all fully clothed. Why don't I believe that? Well, Gitte took pride in telling the girls (1) she got up close and personal with Flav while she was au natural and (2) she's still in love with him, so those bitches betta tread lightly. Cheers!

Now Gitte wants to get very serious, so she takes Goldie to another room. Duhn, duhn, duhn!

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Back at the mansion, Gitte is making the girls take lie detector tests. What is this? The Maury Povich Show? Well, Flav needs a girl, honest and true. So, as she straps in Goldie, she says that if Goldie doesn't really want Foofy, tell all lies and Gitte will take him back. Oh lawd. She's supposed to be helpin Flav find love, not pimpin herself out! So here's the rundown:

• Goldie: She's truly attached to Foofy and she likes Gitte. She takes the test with her trademark Kool-Aid smile. I LOVE GOLDIE!
• Hoopz: She hasn't had sex with Foof, but she'd like to. My stomach is turning.
• Pumpkin: She lied about watching Red Sonja, God only knows why. When asked if she'd ever been on reality tv (and yes dating shows count, bitch), she comes clean . . . all the way clean because apparently, she also fucked on her first turn on reality tv. What a dirty dirty whore!
• Trannie: She really loves the Foofster and thinks he's in love with her, but she doesn't want to have his kids. That's good because we're supposed to destroy Gremlins, not breed new ones. Never feed 'em after midnight!
• Hot Mess: What can I say besides she's a goddamn lie. She lied about everything from her age to being on television to bein a gold digger. The thing is, she's lied so much that she's likely convinced herself that she's telling the truth. Goldie is right - the bitch is lyin!
• Smiley: She's got fake boobies (SURPRISE). When asked if she'd ever been a stripper, she tries to stop the test, but Gitte shuts her down. Surprise, she's been a stripper (like we couldn't tell from the performance she gave Flav in Episode 5. Oh, she's also still in love with her ex-hubby.

After the lie detector "testses," Gitte takes the girls out for a night on the town. The girls know this is not going to be a fun din-din. They'd be right. Gitte tells Hoopz, and I quote (as apparent by the upcoming quotation marks) "You know what? You think you're too pretty and you're not that pretty." OK. Let's take a moment to reflect on that, shall we?

You be the judge.

Hoopz is not one to back down, so the two cats start clawing. Trannie says that if Gitte had come at her the way she came at Hoopz, she "would've definitely taken a chunk out of her freakin Norweigen ass and told her where she could go!" That's great Trannie, but I think Gitte is from Denmark, not Norway, but who's keeping track (oh wait, I am!)? Well, the fight keeps going once they get dinner. Brigitte even threatens to leave, but Trannie convinces her to stay. The Gitte tries to pull out hte big guns. She tells Hoopz that something is wrong with her. Hoopz's response? "Well, Flav doesn't think so." BAM! Get her Hoopz!!! Gitte thinks Hoopz is arrogant and obnoxious, but I just think Gitte is jealous because on her best days, she can't hold a candle to Hoopz, and Hoopz doesn't fear her. At that point, Hoopz gets up and leaves. You go girl!

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Back at the crib, Smiley confides in Trannie that she's feeling weak and scared. WTF? Is she nuts? Trannie is in it to win it and will use whatever info she has. Trannie sees that Smiley has problems (who doesn't?) and that she needs to be talking to Flav instead.

The next morning, Flav asks the girls how they liked Gitte? They responded in the most truthful way they could. "Interesting!" At breakfast, Flav tells the girls he's going out to brunch with Brigette where he'll get the rundown on each of them. The girls are scared, and rightly so.

At brunch, Gitte pulls out her dosier and give Flav the lowdown:

• Goldie is sweet and sincere. She was the 100% honest on the lie detector test. Still, Gitte doesn't think that Goldie is right for Foofy on the physical tip. What? She got something against big girls?
• Smiley is one of the most attractive but very insecure. She tells Flav that Smiley was a stripper and still had feelings for her ex. She's a no!
• Pumpkin likes to argue, therefore, she ain't it.
• Trannie is a no, but Flav knows she's in love.
• Hot Mess lied about EVERYTHING - her size, feelings, measurements. She's just a hot mess!
• Hoopz is arrogant and disrespectful.

Flav know he's still got Gitte's heart, so when she doesn't really like any of the girls, he knows what time it is.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Gitte and Foofy Foofy part ways (insert lonely teardrop here). Flav gets back to the house and has one-on-ones before he makes his elimination decision. This is their last chance to come clean. Here's the skinny:

• Smiley: She came clean about being a stripper, but she didn't mention being in love with her ex.
• Trannie: She takes her time to talk about Smiley, although she doesn't mention her name. What a beatch!
• Pumpkin: She totally rats out Smiley too. Mind you, she doesn't come clean about having sex on a reality tv show. She ain't right, and the cornrows she's sporting ain't right either.
• Hot Mess: She doesn't come clean a lick! We're not surprised, are we?
• Hoopz: She admits that she and Gitte fought the entire time. That's really all there was to it, but Flav thinks there's more based on what Gitte told him.
• Goldie: She's the only one that didn't lie when tested, so Goldie is golden!

Flav wishes the girls good luck in the elimination, but as he attempts to walk out the door, Trannie stops him. All the girls follow Flav to tell him that he should put the kybosh on Smiley because she didn't really want to be in the house. Smiley stands up for herself and says that she's not the strongest person, but it doesn't help when Trannie is always reminding her of her weakness. Oh no. Trannie's adam's apple begins to twitch. Flav says that his relationship with Smiley is the only one that matters.

Flav leaves and Trannie trounces. She get's mad for bringing her name up to Flav. Isn't this the same person who dimed Smiley out in her one-on-one with Flav? Hmmm. Smiley says she totally trusted Trannie. Why the fuck would she do that? If she's that stupid, she needs to leave. All the girls argue with Smiley. Smiley tries to hold her own, but she's obviously not strong enough to take the heat. I feel kinda bad for her because she seems genuinely nice, but she's CRA CRA!

Meanwhile, back in the Master's Suite, Flav is making his elimination decision. Somebody's goin home . . . and it ain't Flav.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Elimination time! The girls are lined up in their finest hoochie outfits looking nervous. Tic toc, who gets a clock?

• Goldie
• Trannie (when Flav called her name, it took her to a special place)
• Pumpkin
• Hoopz

2 bodies. 1 clock left. Well . . .

• No clock for Hot Mess. She's a fake gold-diggin skeez and a big fat (and I mean that literally and figuratively) liar. She gotsta go! She's shocked that he threw her out the way he did. I just thought it was long overdue!
• No clock for Smiley either. She's still in love with her ex. Even though they have a genuine connection, he wants her to take care of her issues. Smiley cries (as usual), but she understands. Too bad. She "might could be the one!"

The 4 remaining ladies and Flav pour some champagne out for Smiley, then sip the bubbly! Hoopz says that Flav made some good choices, so the competition is up in the air. Trannie is convinced that she's "gonna win (getting choked up) the heart (choked up again) of that beautiful man!" Jesus help me cuz I'm about to lose it!

Next week, my girl Goldie steps up her game and Trannie cries because she's "not gonna share her man with another woman . . . a big girl at that!" See ya'll next week.