Saw the Ex tonite.

He's chubby. We sat in a meeting. I was mean to him. He took me to dinner. I was mean to him some more. Then I came home. I still feel like being mean to him.

I can honestly say that today was quite odd. I've always felt at ease with good ole Card Shark, but tonight, I was just so uncomfortable. Perhaps, that's because the last time we spoke, he called me at 3:30am asking me if we were "still friends." I was really drunk when he called, so I said "I dunno! Talk to Liz." Before that, I told him to leave me alone and let me deal with our non-dating status (remember, he was philosophically smothered).

So imaging my surprise when, again, he ignored my request to be left alone and invited me to a community meeting. I went, partly because I'm smart and he needed me to be at the meeting and partly because I wanted to see how miserable he's been without me. Did I mention he's chubby now?

He kept telling me he was glad I came and that he knows I hate him. He's right on both counts. He was very glad to see me - sucker! I also hate him. Ok. Not so much hate. I'll say I have great disdain for the man.

I don't get boys. They make things so difficult. All that fool had to say was . . .

"Chris, I'm sorry I was a jerk. You're the most wonderful woman I've ever had the occasion to be with - and look at that ass. But I'm so fucked up, I cannot be in a relationship with you right now. I do want to be friends because, again, you are so beautiful and smart and funny and witty and just plain old perfect. I am seriously not worthy! I'm not even interested in anyone else, unless you count Lady Luck who rules my life as I am seriously addicted to poker. When and if I EVER get my shit together, I will shower you with the love and affection that you deserve. In the meantime, you keep lookin for a better man than me and we can hang out, play poker, and play a little touchy feely."

See how easy that is?

Romius, you are now in charge of printing the above sililoquy out and giving it to Card Shark so that next time he calls me at 3:30am, he will begin to recite it instead of the weak shit he spit last time.

Meanwhile, I'm hard at work on my string of LOVAHS. A girl has needs too.