Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Elton John was right!

Saturday night really is alright for fighting. Apparently, one woman named Cici thought so when she threatened to kick my ass on Saturday. Let's rewind, shall we.

My name is Foxxxy Love. That implies that 2 things: (1) I'm a lover AND (2) I'm not a fighter. In fact, in my 28 years, I've NEVER EVER EVER been in a fight. And frankly, no one has EVER EVER EVER wanted to fight me let alone threaten to kick my ass. That's understandable, because I'm me!

So, Saturday, I was asked to fill in as karaoke host at a dive in Phoenix. I used to work there in another life, so when the regular Saturday host cancelled, the owner called me and asked me to do him the favor. He's a cool guy, I would make lots of money in tips, and I would get free drinks. Obviously, I agreed to do it against my better judgment. Did I mention that pimps, hos, and drug dealers frequent this fine karaoke establishment?

Anyhoo, I get there and the show is going well. Palma and KiowaQtee were already there to support me while getting me exceptionally liquored up. Then in walks CiCi. She's some short, fat, ugly chick lookin like she's done some hard time (and come to find out, she had) who's clearly drunk as a skunk and just plain annoying. She walks up to the booth and says "I wanna sang Lauryn Hill!"

This is a good moment to digress just a little. I HATE IT WHEN ANYONE SINGS LAURYN HILL (except for me). Why, you might ask. The explanation is relatively simple. NO ONE IN A KARAOKE BAR CAN SING AS WELL AS LAURYN HILL, SO WHY TRY? Did I mention that I'm exempted from the rule because . . . well . . . I just am, dammit. Now, back to the story.

So, I look at CiCi and say "You betta sing that song, gurl!" The Lord ought to strike me down for eggin that bitch on before Easter like that. She replies in a drunken slur "I always do!" I'm thinking to myself, "BITCH PLEASE!" So the vamp to Killing Me Softly starts and Palma and A-dae look at me. They know how I feel about anyone singing Lauryn Hill, so they just shake their heads. They too know of the impending torture.

Cici curls her smoke stained lips and lets out the most awful rendition of Killing Me Softly I think I've ever heard. Seriously, I thought my ears were bleeding. I grab the mic and say "Ya'll give it up for CiCi!!!" You could hear crickets in the background. Did the lack of applause deter CiCi? NO! She put in a list of 5 or 6 songs to sing throughout the night. At that point, I knew the Lord had forsaken me.

The night goes on. At some point, Isa slips in the bar (after we called and texted her to bring her sorry ass out of the house because the GLAAD awards couldn't have been that interesting). I was working and talking to folks. CiCi was hovering around my table and my friends being loud, but hell, it's a bar. At some point, KiowaQtee tells CiCi that Isa is a LEZBEIN. And this is where the downward spiral gets a little steeper.

About 30 minutes later, Isa comes behind the Host table.

Isa: Love, protect me! That woman is scaring me.
Foxxxy: Who?
Isa: Her. CiCi.
Foxxxy: Ok, just stand back here with me. I know that bitch is crazy, but what did she do?
Isa: Well, KiowaQtee told her I was a lesbian, so now she's flirting with me.
Foxxxy: Eeew. She nasty!
Isa: Yes, and she's been to prison.
Foxxxy: Really.
Isa: Yes. She told me she used to sleep with women when she was in prison for 4 years.
Foxxxy: Hmmm. Well, I guess you gotta do what you gotta do. HA! What was she in for?
Isa: Drugs. Protect me Love!

So, Isa is sitting in my chair while I'm holding down the karaoke fort. She starts to tear up at one point, but I'll let her tell that story. Actually, she does it quite nicely on her Myspace.

Anyway, CiCi is on her 800th song when I "accidentally" cut it off in the middle. "I'm sorry CiCi. I pressed the wrong button. B-Rad, you're up next!" CiCi was a wittle upset wif me, but I said I'd try to get her in again before closing. Keyword - TRY.

It's about 10 minutes to close and B-Rad slips a 20 in my tip jar. What does that mean? B-Rad gets to sing for the last 10 minutes is what that means. Oh, and I get the last song. So, I clear all of the other singers off the board and start packing up. CiCi waddles her fat ass up to the table. Or maybe ambles is a better word. Regardless, she wants to know when she gets to sing her last song.

Foxxxy: Sorry CiCi. B-Rad gave me a big tip, so he gets to sing whatever he wants and it's 10 minutes til close.
CiCi: But I want to sing.
Foxxxy: Honey, everyone wants to sing. However, we close in 10 minutes and B-Rad gave me a good tip.
CiCi: I tipped you earlier. I gave you my last two dollars!

PAUSE: Last 2 dollars? Bitch, that won't even buy you 2 notes at this point in the night! UNPAUSE.

Foxxxy: CiCi, you didn't tip me and even if you did, you didn't give me $20.
CiCi: My husband just tipped you.

PAUSE: Who knew she had a husband? Come to find out, they beat up on each other! Regardless, that negro slipped a whole dollar bill in my tip jar. Again, that would not buy 1 note considering I just got a $20 and other people had been tipping more all night long. I'm a business woman. UNPAUSE

Foxxxy: $1 is not gonna help. B-Rad just gave me $20.

CiCi walks away, but then she comes back. Oh joy!

CiCi: I just want you to admit you owe me a song because you messed up my other song.
Foxxxy: You're right. I did mess up your song, but I said I'd TRY to get you up again. I didn't promise you anything. Besides, B-Rad just gave me $20, so he just bought the last few minutes. If you have a problem, take it up with him.

I know I can be a smart-ass bitch, but who cares. It's only karaoke, right? WRONG. CiCi starts getting irate and pumpin her fists tellin me I didn't have to come at her like that. I just looked at her with that look that I give crazy people (ya'll know the one) and said "CiCi, back up! You're drunk, so you need to calm down." Well, I apparently missed the memo that says telling a drunk person to calm down only makes them more hysterical.

CiCi starts yelling and screaming at this point. I will say this. Although I've NEVER been in a fight, I don't scare easily at all and I don't back down from confrontation. I looked at her with a sinister smirk and said "CiCi, back the fuck up!" I then grabbed the mic from B-Rad and started singing A Long Walk while this bitch is yellin at me from across the table. I just acted like she wasn't even there, which of course, pissed her off even more.

At that point, Ira and CiCi's husband saw what was going on. Ira came over to try and calm CiCi down. CiCi's husband stood there like a dumbass who looked like he was scared to get beat! Then Palma, Isa, and KiowaQtee saw the commotion. The were all "what's going on?" Then, I saw about 6 men throughout the bar tense up, looking ready to move on CiCi.

PAUSE: Here's the thing about my dive in Phoenix. It's a dive, but I feel safe there. When you're nice to the pimps and drug dealers and burn outs, they always have your back! UNPAUSE.

CiCi is furious. She starts calling me all kinds of bitch. Then she sits down right in front of me and says "I'mma wait for you to finish so I can kick your ass!" SKREAAJREJAKR! WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM BITCH? SO I DIDN'T LET YOU SING AGAIN, WHICH WAS REALLY DOING A HUGE FAVOR TO EVERYONE ELSE IN THE ROOM. BUT IS A KARAOKE SONG WORTH FIGHTING FOR? I THINK NOT!

I turn the music way down and leave up the mic. Usually, when I do that, it means I'm about ot embarass somebody. In this case, I wanted her fat ass gone. Remember how I don't fight. Saturday was not gonna be the day to start!

I say in the most assholeish (yes, i said assholeish, dammit) way imaginable, "Julie, CiCi is up here threatening to kick my ass, so she needs to go!" CiCi doesn't stop yelling, of course. She says "I'mma kick your ass!" again. I say "Or I could call the police."

Funny how when you mention police to ex-cons, they SHUT THE FUCK UP. Oh, then her husband wants to escort her out of the builing. His bitch ass shoulda done that about 10 minutes earlier.

Oh, but it doesn't stop there. KiowaQtee gets up and is going after CiCi, talkin about how she's from the rez and knows how to fight. "I'll kick her ass!" She was taking out her earrings, but I don't know if she had some vaseline in her purse! Ira grabbed her and pulled her back to the table. I believe Qtee really would've whooped that trick, and if it were over something important like world domination, I'd let her do it, but not over a karaoke song.

Ira makes sure CiCi's gone while people are coming up to me asking what happened. The kept saying "you should've told her B-Rad tipped you!" Well, duh! I did that. But we all learned a couple of valuable lessons Saturday . . .

(1) There is no reasoning with CRAZY.
(2) I'm not scared of little fat bitches who threaten to kick my ass over karaoke songs.
(3) I'll threaten to call the police in a minute though!
(4) I am Foxxxy Love, the karaoke hostess with the mostess, who does NOT fight on Saturday or any other night. I bruise too easily. Hahaha.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

here's my MySpace link:

so tell your fans that, i guess...

4/18/2006 5:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

o - ps - i also put it on my blog so they can go read there too

-La Isla

4/18/2006 5:17 PM  
Blogger Rudy Zarsov said...

I never realized what a tough tart you are.
You shouda got in there and beaten the shit out of her.
If you decide to follow my advice, please let me know. I'll bring my camera.

4/18/2006 5:55 PM  

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