Flavor of Love Family Reunion

It's the moment we've all been waiting for (for 3 weeks now. Jesus, VH1). Well, good things come to those who wait, correct?

The studio is packed as Lala enters. Why'd they choose Lala. They shoulda chose me to be the host, dammit! Regardless, all 20 girls are her for "The Flavor of Love Reunion: After the Lovin."

Enter the "iconic" and "legendary" FLAVOR FLAV! He's sportin my favorite clock; the one with the black face withouth numbers. He's also sporting a gull goatee. He actually looks like a grown up (save the cornrows, but you can't have it all). He takes a seat at his throne, then gives Big Rick a shoutout.

Lala then introduces the "1 night stands," aka the girls who got cut the first day. Welcome, Cherries, Picasso, Smokey, Shellz, Bubblez. Who? Exactly. Then come the girls eliminated in round 2. Welcome Miss Latin, Applez, Dimplez, Rain, and Georgia. I forgot how ugly Appelz was. She looks like someone's grandma. I did not, however, forget houw cra cra Rain was.

So as the first10 eliminated sat facing Flav, Georgia waxed poetic about how Flav missed out because those girls were "some of the most realest people there." Hmmm. Then Rain jumps in in and offers herself up to Flav by saying that he wouldn't go back after 1 date. Again, hmmm. In retrospect, I do believe that Rain was infintely crazier than Trannie. Flav was clearly better off.

Enter the next 3: Serious, Peaches, and Sweetie. Can we say boring, boring, and boring. I certainly appreciate Hot Mess and Trannie even more now. Anyhoo, Lala asks Sweetie if she regrets callin Flav retarded (in a broke down Jersey accent). She says no, but that's Flav and he's gotta be himself ("or do you," or somethin like that). Flav agrees he was retarded because he kept Hot Mess and let Sweetie go. The crowd roars! Well, tards are special people sent down from heaven by God. We should all love tards. Anyhoo, Lala reveals a "secret" about Peaches - she's a musician. WHOA! REALLY?

PAUSE - If this show is filled with "spoilers" that I (and other internet folks) found months and months ago, I'm suing VH1 - UNPAUSE

So, when Serious responds to being called an "aspiring model," she retorts while rolling her neck and shaking her finger that she's NOT and "aspiring model" because she "already gets jobs." What she can't get is a date. And, if she wanted modeling jobs, she could've gone on Top Model. OK.

Coming up . . . Red Oyster, aka Rat Fink.

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It's time for the lady in red - Red Oyster that is. On camera, she describes herself as "very menacing." Ain't that the truth. Also on the clips, they show her ratting EVERYONE out. What a wench!

Enter Red Oyster. She looks like a ho sausaged in a tight and short red dress. She's also carrying a riding crop. Oyster says she doesn't regret ratting folks out because she would rather be labeled as someone who told the truth too many times as opposed to being labeled a liar. Uh, ok.

Uh oh, Miss Latin and Rain start to chime in against Oyster. But Flav stands up for Oyster, saying that she was tellin him about all of the husband callin and stuff going on in the house. Rain stands up ans starts screaming that Oyster was being a rat for her own benefit and not Flav's. True, true. WHOA. Rain tells Oyster to "shut the fuck up!" This is gettin heated.

Uh oh, Lala reveals a "secret" about Oyster. Wait, lemme guess. She's married? Yuppers. Again, I think VH1 should pay me for scooping them. Oyster explains that she was married before the show. Miss Latin chimes in saying that Oyster should've never called her stupid because she was married all along. Then she calls Oyster ugly. Hmmm.

Apparently, Oyster is still married to a man who told her he didn't love her. Flav feels betrayed. Georgia chimes in and says "I bet you wanna take that whip and whoop her ass!" Hahaha. Anyhoo, Flav says his love hasn't lessened for Oyster.

Coming up . . . Hot Mess & Smiley

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Lord, do we have to see Hot Mess's droopy titties one more time? Apparently, we do. During her video snippets, they show her entrance, her Blind Date appearance, and her chicken fiasco.
Smiley, on the other hand, was a crying, whining bitch. She's crying about her ex. She's crying when she's eliminated. Man up woman!

Enter Smiley and Hot Mess. Smiley's boobs are perky. Hot Mess's are not. Anyhoo, we learn that Smiley had ended her 4-year marriage 1 week before she moved into the house. Ok, so now I sorta see why she was weepy. She said the show helped her move on. Flav says Smiley would've stayed around longer if she hadn't been getting over her ex.

Hot Mess still looks like, well, a hot mess. She said it was unfair that so many of the girls who didn't reveal their Hollywood aspirations (like Pumpkin) remained while she got the boot for being on Blind Date. Flav says he really got rid of her because she was there for the wrong reasons. "This is my man, my mansion, and my money. Get the FUCK outta here." Good point Flav, but how about getting rid of her because she was to' up and annoying too?

Oh, wait, he's not done. Flav doesn't want anyone after him for his money (what money?). He also tells her "Let New York get kicked out and you can turn that room into a study. I think you better study how to cook chicken." Tee hee hee. Flav falls on the floor laughing. Hot Mess explains that she thought the "chicken" button on microwave was for cooking, not defrosting. Ok, that bitch is ugly AND stoopid (and yes, I spelled it that way on purpose). Flav starts to sing "If I Only Had a Brain."

In the midst of all the chaos, there was one proverbial phoenix rising from the ashes, and her name was GOLDIE! "My name is Goldie, and I'm the best. All the b-boys want to fell my breasts." That girl is a classic. They then show Goldie blowin chunks in a trashcan while Cherries comments. But wait! When Cherries got the boot, she was straight hatin on my girl Goldie.

The audience cheers her name - GOLDIE, GOLDIE - as she takes the stage. She's the crowd fave and a Carolina girl I might add. Lala said she was the ONLY one who never lost her cool and never had any problems. Goldie says it wasn't that serious to be gettin involved in drama, but Cherries needed to shut the fuck up (ok, so those were my words, but I ain't lyin). Uh oh, Cherries wants to step to Golide. Now, we all know how that would end. Cherries also needs to sit the fuck down. But wait, Sweetie steps in front of Goldie to protect her. Wow. The security sits Cherries back down and tells her to "Save It!" I think I just peed my pants from laughin so hard! Anyway, back to Goldie. She's become a stand-up comedian and is loving life.

Coming up - Trannie and Pumpkin. But wait. Backstage, Trannie says "New York is in the motha fuckin house. You think I forgot about that shit? Hell naw bitch. You spit in my fuckin face. I'mma be on your ass in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!" LORD JESUS! Thank you form Trannie!

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Let's look back and Trannie and Pumpkin. Trannie is hatin on everyone, as usual. Pumpkin is actin like an airhead and hating on Trannie, callin her a "Tranny." How original. We see them fight, and fight, and fight. We don't get to see the spitting episode, but that's quite alright.

Trannie comes out first (they don't want them to come out together). Trannie lost her Flav weight. She says she has no regrets and she still loves Flav. Flav says he saw that she was there for him. Cherries, who hasn't shut up the whole show, asks Flav if he really wanted disharmony. Trannie steps in ad fittingly says "You know what? Didn't you leave the first motha fuckin night? It was for a reason." Cherries gets up ready to fight, again. Again, I fear it will end badly for her. Oh Lord, it gets worse. I should really just transcribe it. Here goes:

Trannie (yelling and stomping like Rumplestilsken): You was fake. Lickin all over Flav. He didn't want that shit you motha fucking bitch. Sit your motha fucking ass down!

Crowd: KICK HER OUT! KICK HER OUT! (this is addressed to Cherries)

Trannie: They're talkin to you!!!

Cherries (as she's being escorted off the stage by security while sobbing): Fuck you guys! Fuck all of you guys! Kick Cherries out right? (boo hoo hoo)

Trannie: Yeah! And yo momma, too!

Crowd: Cheering!!

I'm sittin her laughing my big black ass off. That was classic. Classic!

Trannie says she was contorversial because she was there for Flav only! Oh, you want controversy? Then roll the clip of the spitting fiasco! I know Trannie was gettin heated while watching the clip. It's so gonna be on!

Enter Pumpkin. She's really not attractive at all! Lala asks how they feel sitting next to eachother for the first time since the incident. . .

Trannie: You know what? My ass been on Pause, but I'm finna press Play in a millisecond. I'm gonna go off on that bitch in a motha fuckin millisecond. Now ask that bitch what you gotta ask her.

PAUSE: I couldn't have asked for any better if I had scripted it myself. Did I mention that this is CLASSIC?!?!? UNPAUSE.

Lala (to Pumpkin): How do you feel about sitting next to her after all this time?

Pumpkin: I could really give a shit if she's there cuz my girls are behind me. I am so glad that he [Flav] can see who she really is. And she calls us a pack of idiot bitches? Look how she's actin right now.

Trannie: And that's why you left before I did. Lala, you got anything else to aske me?

Lala: No, not really.

Trannie: Well then. Let me say this. No, lemme talk. Lemme talk. You know what. Wait up. I ain't gon spit because I got way more motha fucking class than you. That's why I'm not gonna spit in your face. You know what? You know what? I am . . . however . . . gonna BITCH SLAP!

Trannie and Pumpkin go at it. Security holds Trannie back while Pumpkin runs like a bitch. The crowd cheers "Flav, Flav, Flav." Lala interjects. Shes says there's a lot of unfinished business, but since they can't let Trannie make good on her promise to kick Pumpkin's ass, they'll each get a moment to say what they feel to the other. Oh goodie!

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Pumpkin and Trannie are standing behind 2 different partitions. Each will get 30 seconds to bitch at the other. Flav jumps in and says he loves them both.

Pumpkin says a bunch of weak mess that I don't feel the need to transcribe. Trannie, throws her partition out of the way and goes after Pumpkin. Pumpkin runs like a bitch, again! Big Rick takes the ladies back to their seats. Flav just sits there smiling.

In the midst of all the drama, Flav found love with Hoopz. Enter Hoopz. She kisses Flav. But alas, it's not real love. The 2 have grown apart. Too bad, so sad. However, there is a pot of gold at the end of this rainbow. We're getting a Flavor of Love 2!!! I'm so exicted. The only thing that could be better is if Flav had chosen Trannie and they had a Strange Love 2!

If you're interested in getting with Flav, call 1-877-hlp-Flav (I wish I were kidding)!

It's been a pleasure recapping this show for you all. I'll see you next season!!!