U Gotta Let a Ho Be a Ho (the remix)

I got this hilarious email today from a friend of mine. He gave me permission to print it. Names and locations have been changed to protect the innocent. . . and the hos getting fucked on top of the sink (foreshadowing anyone?).

alright, so check this shit out. this is the stuff i wanted to talk to you about over the phone, but when you called me back, i was back in the office... and my office walls have ears like you would not believe. it seems that the only thing keeping this place together is the gossip that keeps everyone talkin' to each other (damn navajos... lol).

anyway, so yeah - for literally weeks, my best friend and his younger brother have been trying to set me up with this girl they both know. she's a white chick (figure that) from illinois who works as an engineer for the mine (say it with me, "booo!"). i met her a few weeks back and i have to say, i was surprised; she was really cute and was capable of carrying on an intelligent conversation; WAY more that i was expecting. this is afterall, BFE. so i'm thinkin' "thank fucking god! FINALLY. I'm is gonna get some poonannay...". or so i thought.

fast forward 2 weeks. my friends younger brother and i meet up with lil' miss engineer at a bar in BFE (so classy!). things are going really well, i buy her a few drinks, we're talkin', dancin', etc. all the while, my friend is hangin' with his own group, havin' a blast. we end up closing out the bar around 1:45am and head back to my friend's place.

here's where EVERYTHING. WENT. HORRIBLY. WRONG.

we get to the spot and everyone is really, really buzzed, including myself (even though technically, i'm not supposed to be drinkin' anymore, a fact that would later be important). so she and i have a seat on the couch while my friend heads to the kitchen to make shots for us and the people who came back with us (about 4-5).

3 rounds of tequila shots later, she an i are all over each other on the couch (yes, a huge drunken make-out session in front of my friend and a few total strangers. 'cause i'm smooth like that.) well all of this 'excitement' must have done something to my blood sugar, because somewhere in there, she got up to pee and get another drink. at that time, i BLACKED THE FUCK OUT. i was GONE. (later i was told that this was a result of the high levels of alcohol i had ingested not getting along with the medicine i'm on.)

anyway, i was out for a... while. for like, hours. i came to still slumped on the couch, my head resting against a cold, hard, brick wall. i stood up immediately. bad move. i came crashing to my knees. the reason? i was still TORE THE FUCK UP. at this point, all i could manage was the following: i have no idea where i am. all i know is that i was with my bro and his friends... and a girl... what was her name again?

wow. i need to take a wiz. with that, i gathered what motor skills i had and set out in search of answers... and a toilet. my friend's place was pitch black. luckily, i was able to feel my way down the hall to where i *thought* the bathroom might be. things were pretty quiet so i figured everyone had gone home. um, no. i turned the corner into the bathroom and turned the light on. and what did i see to my suprise? my bro FUCKING engineer chickie ON TOP OF THE SINK. can you say awkward? yup. that... that was not what i expected to see when i turned that light on. nope. with that, i turned around and headed back to the living room and crashed out on the couch. and during all of that, i somehow lost the desire to pee.

figure that... the sunlight of the early morning was enough to get my attention and i was up around 6am. i took a look around and realized that some shit must have gone down the night before. his place was tore the fuck up! i guess i slept through the after-party. i ignored my splitting headache and did a quick search. luckily, no one had tried to jack my wallet, keys or cell-phone. with that i made my way to the door and headed on home.

a few days later, i got a call from engineer chickie. i didn't answer it and she didn't leave a vm. what could you possibly say if you were in her shoes? "hey, sorry i fucked your friend on the sink. call me." my friend has been guilt-ridden since it happened, and his brother is seriously pissed at him... and i think he's a little pissed at me for not being madder at his brother. but i don't think i can hold a drunken screw against him. it's better that i caught her bein' a ho when she was just a hook-up prospect that after she became a girlfriend, right? that's how i see it.

so anyway, all that 'fuckin' on the sink' action kinda killed the potential of my one hook-up prospect. but there is hope. not so much for a hook-up, but maybe a relationship? ...assuming i even wanna go there right now. i have a date later this week with the girl i took to prom in highschool. we will see how it goes. at the very least, i've proven that it's not COMPLETELY impossible to find someone to date that i'm NOT related to.

... at least i *think* i'm not related to her...