Sunday, July 02, 2006

So I went to see Superman . . .

and honestly, I wasn't that impressed. Mind you, I remember being a kid and my parents taking me to see all of the Superman movies - Superman II was and still is my favorite. So, I was really looking forward to Superman Returns. I even waited until Card Shark got back into town so we could see it together.

If you haven't seen it yet, THERE ARE SPOILERS BELOW, so STOP READING NOW if you don't wanna know what happens.

I was going to do a full recap of the entire movie, but at 2.5 hours, it would take me 4eva. So, I'm gonna give you guys Superman Returns: The Foxxxy Abridged Version.

  • Krypton explodes, cuz we didn't know that happened.
  • Superman comes back to Earth after a 5-year hiatus. He's cute for a white guy, but he's no Boris Kodjoe. . .
  • Lois Lane has just won a Pulitzer, even though she asks someone "how many f's in catastrophic?" AND she's shacked up with her "babydaddy," or so we think . . .
  • Clark Kent is a dork and Lois is a total bitch to him.
  • Jimmy is a gay homosexual who is clearly in love with Clark Kent.
  • Ooh, and Lex Luthor and Kitty Kowalski are the absolute best thing about the movie, even though Lex showed some old broad "pleasures she's never experienced before." GROSS!
  • Truth, justice, and that all that other stuff . . .
  • Some shit crashes and blows up and stuff.
  • Superman saves the world from bank robbers, because that's way more important that fighting genocide or stopping terrorism and stuff like that. How about ending that Israeli/Palestinian conflictin Gaza? No? Bank robbers are more important? Ok then, Supe.
  • Did I mention Lois is a total hobag?
  • Lex Luthor should really just stop all this world domination stuff and become a glorified real estate agent.
  • Superman is really Jesus. I mean, just like God, Jor-El gave his only son to the people of Earth. I missed that one in Bible study. Oh wait, I didn't go to Bible study.
  • Superman, somehow, can move an entire island filled with Krytonite. Who knew?
  • Lois Lane is a ho . . . who passes off Superman's kid as someone else's.
  • Superkid could really kick ass if he wasn't so sickly. I think maybe he's Mr. Glass's baby and Lois is an even bigger ho than I thought.
  • Superman lives, and so does everyone else - BORING.
  • The end!

Normally, I would say more, but it just wasn't that interesting to begin with. The special effects were good, but nothing groundbreaking or new. The story is the same over and over again, so nothing new there either. Though Kevin Spacey and Parker Posey were great, Kate Bosworth is not convincing as a Pulitzer winner or a mother (but she's got the ho thing in the bag). So, if you ask me, I think I should've gone to see The Devil Wears Prada. So should you!


Blogger Jezebelsriot said...

Alright, I agree Superman sucked big balls, but Kevin Spacey as Luther was the single biggest travesty I've seen in cinematic franchise history. Spacey totally had the potential to add a cryptic, dark tendency the film was crying out for, but instead they chose to make him a bumbling fool like Gargamel and made the movie a fucking bore. Boo man. Booooooo. I was so bored.

7/03/2006 8:58 PM  

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