Monday, March 06, 2006

Blacks 4, Gays 3 – WE WIN!

So I actually watched the last hour of the Oscars with friends. We ate La Isla Bonita's gumbo (which was really really really good). We laughed. We joked. We competed . . .

You see, this year’s Oscars were dominated by 2 separate yet equally important groups (like how I snuck a lil Law & Order up in this piece?): The Blacks and The Gays. Since I represented The Blacks and Isa and Tracy represented The Gays, the stakes were high. On a sidenote, Sharkie and Romius rep'ed the Jews, however, neither of them is Jewish. Here’s how we broke it down:

The Blacks: This includes any films with a black theme somewhere in it (or just black people. I can’t be too choosy here). The major contenders were Crash which has heavy racial themes, Hustle & Flow because it’s about a pimp for cryin out loud, and The Constant Gardener which deals with drug companies testing pharmaceuticals on poor Africans (and should’ve been nominated for Best Film). Here’s a complete list for The Blacks (the winners are in Oscar Gold!!)

  • Best Film – Crash
  • Best Actor - Terrence Howard for Hustle & Flow
  • Best Supporting Actor – Matt Dillon for Crash
  • Best Supporting Actress – Rachel Weiss for The Constant Gardener
  • Adapted Screenplay – The Constant Gardener
  • Original Screenplay – Crash
  • Documentary Feature – Street Fight
  • Documentary Feature - Darwin's Nightmare
  • Documentary Short – God Sleeps in Rwanda
  • Film Editing – The Constant Gardener
  • Film Editing – Crash
  • Foreign Language Film – Tsotsi
  • Music Score – The Constant Gardener
  • Song – It’s Hard Out Here For a Pimp from Hustle & Flow

The Gays: I didn’t have to stretch too far for this one. I mean, there were 3 major films with Gay themes. Capote is about a really really gay author, Brokeback Mountain is about 2 gay cowboys, and Transamerica deals with a pre-op trans-sexual. Goodie! Here’s the complete list for The Gays.

  • Best Film – Capote
  • Best Film – Brokeback Mountain
  • Best Actor – Philip Seymore Hoffman for Capote
  • Best Actor – Heath Ledger for Brokeback Mountain
  • Best Supporting Actor – Jake Gyllenhaal for Brokeback Moutain
  • Best Actress – Felicity Huffman for Transamerica
  • Best Supporting Actress – Michelle Williams for Brokeback Mountain
  • Best Supporting Actress - Catherine Keener for Capote
  • Directing – Ang Lee for Brokeback Mountain
  • Directing – Bennet Miller for Capote
  • Adapted Screenplay – Capote
  • Adapted Screenplay – Brokeback Mountain
  • Music Score – Brokeback Mountain
  • Song – Travellin Thru from Transamerica
  • Cinematography – Brokeback Mountain

Doin the tallyin, it’s a runaway for The Blacks with 7 wins to The Gays’ 4 wins.

However, there is one more caveat – negative points. That’s right, you didn’t think that I was gonna make it that easy, did ya? Mind you, I’m still arguing with Sharkie over whether or not The Constant Gardener counts for The Blacks (of course it does!).

Each time King Kong won an award, that subtracts points from The Blacks (although I’m not convinced that The Blacks shouldn’t get negative points for Three 6 Mafia's win). King Kong won 3 awards, thus The Blacks move from 7 to 4 points. That's a pretty heavy hit!

That makes it a tie, right? WRONG!

Ang Lee’s acceptance speech for Best Director of Brokeback Mountain set the “gay mens and womens” back one point. Even though English is clearly not his first language, that is no excuse for a Blaine and 'Toine rendition of Men on Films. Hell, he might've set back the Asians too, who had been doing quite well with 3 awards for Memoirs of a Geisha. That sets The Gays back to 3.

My Gay-sian friend, however, pointed out that a lesbian won a makeup award, but I refuse to count awards that were “presented at an earlier ceremony” because nobody gives a fuck about those.

Thus, the final tally . . . The Blacks – 4. The Gays – 3!

But aren’t we all winners? Actually, NO. The Blacks are winners and The Gays are losers. Hey, I calls 'em like I sees 'em.

EDIT - I just noticed that I inadvertently counted Three 6 Mafia's Best Song win twice (I corrected said error above)! Shame on me. That makes it The Black - 3, The Gays - 3. However, I'm still calling this one for The Blacks just because it's my blog and I can if I want to.


Blogger Molly said...

Dude! You forgot the Jew recap. I'd say it's at minimum a tie as Jon Stewart is worth at least 3 points.

3/07/2006 10:47 AM  
Blogger Rudy Zarsov said...

That's all well and good but what about the gay,black men.

3/07/2006 1:22 PM  
Blogger Rudy Zarsov said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

3/07/2006 1:22 PM  
Blogger Rudy Zarsov said...

and what about the gay, jewish blacks?

what about the black, christian, gays?

what about just americans??

what about the australians?

3/07/2006 1:26 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey, at least an actual homo won something! It's nice to see the gays being represented with all those LGBT movies, but she's actually the only one who was really representing... And it's not Ang Lee's fault! Engrish is very difficut fo we asian peepo -your gay-sian friend

3/08/2006 11:57 AM  

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