Snakes on a Muthaf*ckin Plane

You may laugh, but mark my words. Snakes on a Plane is going to be the feel-good movie of the summer. Who cares about Superman? Pirates of the Carribean? Ok, so maybe I do. But I care waaaaay more about Snakes on a Plane, suckas!

Enjoy the teaser!

In Defense of Star Jones Reynolds

Those of you who know me also know that I HATE THE VIEW! What a waste of television space. I mean, they could run another "Paternity Test" episode of Maury in that time slot and I would be perfectly happy!

But, The View didn't have to do Star like that! What do I mean? Well, yesterday, Star announced that she would not be returning next season. Barbara Wawa claims to have been surprised by Star's announcement. That's odd, because we all saw it coming (partly due to Rosie O'Donnell being announced as Meredith Vierra's replacement), and apparently, Wawa and the network knew this was coming for months. In fact, Star was supposed to announce her departure Thursday - so Wawa is full of shit - and formaldehye!

But here's the kicker. One day after Star's announcement, she was told not to come back, even though she was contracted to stay until mid-July. Now that's harsh! Wawa said "It has become uncomfortable for us to pretend everything is the same at this table. ... Therefore, regrettably, Star will no longer be on this program."

Wow, the turning of the knife in the back only takes a day or so around ABC.

Well, in Star's announcement, she said the show decided to go in another direction (yes, the one where everyone stops watching because Meredith is gone and Rosie "psycho" O'Donnell will fill her chair space, which is hard for that ass!). In an interview with People, Star said that she felt like she was being fired as the network decided not to renew her contract. Sounds about right to me.

Star's announcement was characterized as a "betrayal" by Wawa. Oooh! Star made the announcement 2 days early. Big betrayal there! Seems to me that Star was betrayed as Wawa didn't have her back at all in the contract negotiations. In fact, she hired Rosie O'Donnell, Star's archenemey, then had the nerve to say that Star's contract wasn't renewed because "research showed Reynolds' dramatic weight loss and 2004 wedding to banker Al Reynolds was a turn-off for viewers."

Ok. I can get with that. What I can't get with is how every single one of those dizzy bitches didn't skew low on the old viewer opinion-meter. Seriously, they're all nuts (except for Vierra who will move on to the Today show and who's seat will be filled by Rosie O'Donnell's ass. I feel bad for that seat). Joy is annoying and NOT FUNNY. Elisabeth is a CONSERVATIVE FREAKSHOW. And don't get me started on Wawa, who looks more and more like the CRYPT KEEPER everyday.

To make matters worse, Rosie O'Donnell is coming in the fall. Truth be told, I loved Rosie's show back in the day. I'm completely convinced that had she decided to stay on the air, she'd still be a success, regardless of her sexuality. However, she left the show, got an ugly lesbian hairdo, and turned into a complete SLAG, writing horrible poetry on her blog and talking shit about everyone, including Star Jones Reynolds. She's no longer the likable person she once was, which I hope and pray spells disaster for The View.

Now don't get me wrong. I'm no Star Jones Reynolds fan. She looks strange now that she's lost all that weight. I think she's a nutjob for marrying a man that is clearly too gay to function (thanks Mean Girls). The wedding swag was a bit excessive and tacky. And the "sexy" excerpts from her book gave me the creeps.

However, as annoying and strange as she is, she's no more annoying or strange as the rest of those hags (emphasis on the "hags"). I especially hate Elisabeth. She's a fucking republican twit with absolutely nothing to offer . . . except for her womb to breed future republicans.

As an original cast member, Star is part of the reason for the continued success of the show - and only God knows why it's successful. I'm actually not seeing Wawa's point about the audience disliking Star. They still tuned in every week. They bought her book. She's even in the process of developing her own show, which now I hope is more successful than The View purely out of spite.

The fact that Wawa and the powers that be turned on Star shows how little class they have. Essentially, they made her pack her boxes, asked for her garage card, and escorted her out of the building. That's the way to treat someone who's made you rich and has been loyal for 10 years! Dayum, she didn't even get a send-off (like Meredith, Katie Couric, or Charlie Gibson). She just got the boot! And they didn't let the shoe leather cool off any, because they've already taken her out of the show's opening credits and there is no sight of her on the website.

For these transgressions, I will no longer watch The View. Oh, wait. I never watched that shitty show in the first place. Well, I never will!

There is no "O" in Prada!!!

I have a really funny story to tell about this weekend, but I'm not sure if I should. So, I need a vote. For those of you who know what I'm talking about, should I or shouldn't I?

I told the story to a friend today, and I think it would really be a good blog entry. So, clearly, my vote is yes!

Your Older Brother Made You Gay! Nanny Nanny Boo Boo.

Did you know that men with older brothers are more likely to be gay?

. . . and if I had white parents, I would more likely be white?

Jesus, must there be a study on every-fuckin-thing? And why in world would anyone report this stupid study? Why can't men be gay just because?

The only people who really care about these silly gay studies (tee hee hee) are:

(1) religious freaks trying to figure out how to make themselves or their "loved" ones un-gay, or

(2) bitter gay men who want to stick it to their homophobic parents by blaming them for their gay-ity.

I completely condone group 2!

Thank Goodness the Book Club is Over!

Did I not get the memo about people from Arizona having to embarass themselves on national television? First, there was Paradise Hotel, where every other guest was an ASU co-ed making a fool of him or herself. Then there was My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance, where the Catholic School teacher from Scottsdale had to convince her family she was marrying the fat bartender from Grey's Anatomy. She was eventually fired for making a mockery of marriage.

Now there is Tuesday Night Book Club. Or, at least, there was Tuesday Night Book Club. Apparently, CBS didn't see fit to follow the boring lives of some boring, not-so-rich, Scottsdale women in the style of Desperate Housewives. After 2 episodes, Book Club has been cancelled and replaced with reruns of 48 Hours Mystery. How bad does a show have to be to get replace by a 48 Hours spin-off? Well, I'll tell ya how bad . . .

I was one of the suckers who watched the first episode of Book Club and lemme tell ya that I felt dumber for having watched. It followed around some really ugly women who were supposedly rich Scottsdalites . . . Scottsdalians . . . Scottsdalinos. Whatever. They were cheaters, self-absorbed, boring, and really really rehearsed. Oh, and the whole mess was narrated by someone trying to sound like the woman from Desperate Housewives.

Here's the thing. People like Desperate Housewives for a few very obvious reasons. First, the actresses are all "beautiful" (although that's debatable. you seen Terri Hatcher's crow's feet and cadaverous body lately?). Next, there writers to make the women of Wysteria Lane interesting so that people actually care about the characters, even if they are vapid and self-absorbed.

Book Club was missing both elements. The women on this show were straight up dawgs. I mean, one had poofy poodle-like hair for cryin out loud. They do have salons in Scottsdale. I've been to one or two! Another one, a professional fitness model (or something), looked like she's had every ounce of fat sucked from her overly tanned body, although her face was as pale as a ghost. Oh, and she looked more of a man than her misogynistic firefighter hubby! The one saving grace was the younger blonde party girl, but she was so skanky and stupid that her "hotness" ceases to matter. I think I caught an STD just watching her on the screen.

Oh, and these women are shallow and BORING! I didn't care about any of them, which is sad because they're actually real people and they live about 20 minutes down the road. Not one of them had one redeeming quality. Even the divorcee who worked full time and felt guilty about not spending more time with her kids was boring and rehearsed. I guess she wasn't eaten up inside about subjecting her kids to cameras following them around for Lord only knows how long. I didn't even care that the bodybuilder's husband was a meat-headed prick because she was the dingbat that married that loser.

In all, that show was a hot mess! I'm glad it's gone. Since I missed the memo, I'm issuing my own . . .

MEMORANDUM

To: Every single person in Arizona

From: Foxxxylove

Date: June 23, 2006

Re: Reality TV Show Ban

The people of Arizona, in an effort to acquire some shame, should keep their tired asses off of reality tv for at least 2 full television seasons. That way, you can't ruin life for the rest of us upstanding citizens! It's bad enough we have to live in the fucking desert. Must we endure your foolishness making us all look like soul-less, over-sexed, spoiled rich brats who clearly need good good stylists and a dye job? For the good of the community, please STOP IT RIGHT NOW!

Apparently I have a CRACKISH stalker or two . . .

Let me tell a lil story. Once upon a time, I dated a man who I thought was nice, but he wasn't the cutest thing on the planet. I stayed with him even though I found out he was certifiably crazy. I tried to leave and he threatened to kill himself. When I finally wiggled my way out, he ran off and married a but-her-faced friend of mine a few weeks later. They became swingers and wifey, a fellow law student, used her financial aid to get a boob job (and a horrible one at that) so that she could pursue a career in stripping! How can anyone be pissed about that situation? I got out. They hooked up. I moved on with Card Shark.

Since then, I haven't wasted 2 minutes thinking about these two clowns . But on occasion, I'll run into them, or one will send me emails about how happy they are. I don't respond. Well, that was 2 years ago, so one would think that they would move on just as I had. Apparently not.

2 days ago, I get a request to add a friend on my MySpace. I didn't have a clue who this person was until I went to the site and saw the ex and stripper-wifey's pics. I just ignored it.

Then I check the comments on my blog and I see one that is so obviously left by the wedded-duo (either one or both of them). I erased the comment because it was stupid (yes I passed the bar and yes I do have a job), but I thought I'd dedicate an entire post to them because it is so obvious that it is what they want, and who am I to disappoint. So here goes . . .

For the record, I'm sorry that your sham marriage is so unfulfilling that you have to be bothered with stalking me on the Internets (and yes, I did say Internets with an "s"). To him: I'm sorry I never loved you, but you didn't love me either. Obsession is NOT love. So, stop being obsessed with me! To her: I'm sorry that you're face looks like that of a horse. I'm also sorry that you're so insecure that you have to throw yourself at people in order to get them to notice you. Good grief, suckas. Move on and leave me out of your crackish lives!

I think that was mean enough. Don't you?

Racist Post of the Day

My brother posted this as a MySpace bulletin. I thought I'd share.

10 TRUTHS BLACK AND HISPANIC PEOPLE KNOW, BUT WHITE PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT:
1. Elvis is dead.
2. Dating a cousin is not right.
3. Rap music is here to stay.
4. Kissing your pet is not cute or clean.
5. Skinny does not equal sexy.
6. Thomas Jefferson had black children.
7. A 5 year old child is too big for a stroller.
8. N'SYNC will never hold a candle to the Jackson 5 . . . or New Edition
9. An occasional BUTT whooping helps a child stay in line.
10. Having your children curse you out in public is not normal.

10 TRUTHS WHITE AND BLACK PEOPLE KNOW, BUT HISPANIC PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT:
1. Hickey's are not attractive.
2. Chicken is food, not a roommate.
3. Jesus is not a name for your son.
4. Your country's flag is not a car decoration.5
. Maria is a name but not for every daughter.
6. "Jump out and run" is not in any insurance policies.
7. 10 people to a car is considered too many.
8. Buttoning just the top button of your shirt is a bad fashion statement.
9. Mami and Papi can't possibly be the nickname of every person in yourfamily.
10. Letting your children run wildly through the store is not normal.

10 TRUTHS WHITE AND HISPANIC PEOPLE KNOW, BUT BLACK PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT:
1. O.J. did it.
2. Tupac is dead.
3. Teeth should not be decorated.
4. Weddings should start on time.
5. Your pastor doesn't know everything.
6. Jesse Jackson will never be President.
7. RED is not a Kool Aid flavor, it's a color.
8. Church does not require expensive clothes.
9. Crown Royal bags are meant to be thrown away.
10. Your rims and sound system should not be worth more than your car.

To my NDN peeps: Don't feel left out. I can make up one for you right on the spot! And in the immortal words of Triple T Becenti, "Skin, you're in!"

10 TRUTHS BLACK, WHITE, AND HISPANIC PEOPLE KNOW BUT INDIANS WON'T ADMIT:
1. Hickey's are not attractive.
2. Even if you move your lips in one direction while saying "over derrr," I still don't know which way to go.
3. Wearing tight Wranglers doesn't make you look like you have a butt when you don't.
4. Shorts and a tee shirt do not constitute a swimsuit and sneakers aren't the same as flippers
5. Even if you are Indian, white people still think you're Mexican.
6. That song "Apache, Jump on It" by the Sugar Hill Gang is the joint!
7. Turquoise bling just isn't the same thing.
8. "Ehhhheeeee?" is not the same thing as using an actual question mark at the end of a sentence.
9. Wassup with the country music?
10. Dave Anderson really is the NDN Al Roker, except Al is wayyyy cooler!

My "raison d'etre" has returned. Republicans suffer from "dickishness."

At least, that's according to Dan Bakkendahl of the Daily Show.

Here's the story, which I pulled from Huffington Post:

The Daily Show's Dan Bakkedahl reported last night on the crisis gripping Congressional-league softball in D.C. this season after the Republican players split off into their own league in response to more inclusive regulations proposed by Democrats. According to the Wall Street Journal (and The Daily Show), the Republicans "seceded" from the league after the Democratic commissioner, Gary Caruso, permitted below-average teams to compete in the playoffs. The WSJ and Daily Show cited several emails accusing the league of being "all about Softball Welfare" and accusing Caruso of "punishing success and rewarding failure - He's a Democrat. Waddya' expect?"

Bakkedahl, however, was thwarted in his attempt to talk to the Republican players, who refused to go on the record, and, according to Bakkedahl, Comedy Central wouldn't allow any footage of Republican team members to be aired. Bakkedahl's response provides a hilarious soundbite:

Citing "Chapter 84, Section 14 of the Electronic Communication Regulation Act...which allows us to record and broadcast phone calls" Bakkedahl picked up the phone, put it on speaker, and called Bob Honold, legislative assistant to Virginia Foxx (R-N.C.) and captain of one Republican team, who had earlier refused to be interviewed. Honold (who was very cordial) once again declined to comment, at which point Bakkedahl let fly with a hilarious (if rhetorical) question:

"Would you say that your decision to storm out in the middle of an interview reflects a general dickishness amongst Republicans that's probably responsible for the fact that New Orleans is under water? And I will take a hang up to mean yes."

(Dial tone)

Bakkedahl subsequently noted that there was no "i" in team, but there were two "i"s in "dickishness."

So DICKISH is officially new slang that I will use repeatedly, and at least as much as I use my favorites - crackish and gaycist.

Last week was a bad week so you all should pity me!

You know that horrible song "You Had A Bad Day . . .?" Well, I seriously had a bad week. First, me and the boss lady were at eachother's throats and I'm at the point where I'm ready to walk away from my job without a back-up (sound famiiar?). Next, I didn't get the job that I wanted in DC - dayum Navajo preference!

But the icing came in the form of my car accident Friday night. I'm ok, but my whip is a lil more ghetto than it was previously. After having dealt with my insurance company, I finally get to take it to the shop tomorrow. I got the citation, but I'm fighting it, dammit!

When I find the humor in all of this, or if I find a reason to carry on, I'll write something witty. Until then, pity me!

RACIST Picture of the Day II - Bush's Border Plan

Again, I apologize, but it ain't my fault! Suggest a better caption if you must!

RACIST Picture of the Day - Navajo Hooker

I know, I know. It's bad, but it's funny! Come up with a better caption if you can!

U Gotta Let a Ho Be a Ho (the remix)

I got this hilarious email today from a friend of mine. He gave me permission to print it. Names and locations have been changed to protect the innocent. . . and the hos getting fucked on top of the sink (foreshadowing anyone?).

alright, so check this shit out. this is the stuff i wanted to talk to you about over the phone, but when you called me back, i was back in the office... and my office walls have ears like you would not believe. it seems that the only thing keeping this place together is the gossip that keeps everyone talkin' to each other (damn navajos... lol).

anyway, so yeah - for literally weeks, my best friend and his younger brother have been trying to set me up with this girl they both know. she's a white chick (figure that) from illinois who works as an engineer for the mine (say it with me, "booo!"). i met her a few weeks back and i have to say, i was surprised; she was really cute and was capable of carrying on an intelligent conversation; WAY more that i was expecting. this is afterall, BFE. so i'm thinkin' "thank fucking god! FINALLY. I'm is gonna get some poonannay...". or so i thought.

fast forward 2 weeks. my friends younger brother and i meet up with lil' miss engineer at a bar in BFE (so classy!). things are going really well, i buy her a few drinks, we're talkin', dancin', etc. all the while, my friend is hangin' with his own group, havin' a blast. we end up closing out the bar around 1:45am and head back to my friend's place.

here's where EVERYTHING. WENT. HORRIBLY. WRONG.

we get to the spot and everyone is really, really buzzed, including myself (even though technically, i'm not supposed to be drinkin' anymore, a fact that would later be important). so she and i have a seat on the couch while my friend heads to the kitchen to make shots for us and the people who came back with us (about 4-5).

3 rounds of tequila shots later, she an i are all over each other on the couch (yes, a huge drunken make-out session in front of my friend and a few total strangers. 'cause i'm smooth like that.) well all of this 'excitement' must have done something to my blood sugar, because somewhere in there, she got up to pee and get another drink. at that time, i BLACKED THE FUCK OUT. i was GONE. (later i was told that this was a result of the high levels of alcohol i had ingested not getting along with the medicine i'm on.)

anyway, i was out for a... while. for like, hours. i came to still slumped on the couch, my head resting against a cold, hard, brick wall. i stood up immediately. bad move. i came crashing to my knees. the reason? i was still TORE THE FUCK UP. at this point, all i could manage was the following: i have no idea where i am. all i know is that i was with my bro and his friends... and a girl... what was her name again?

wow. i need to take a wiz. with that, i gathered what motor skills i had and set out in search of answers... and a toilet. my friend's place was pitch black. luckily, i was able to feel my way down the hall to where i *thought* the bathroom might be. things were pretty quiet so i figured everyone had gone home. um, no. i turned the corner into the bathroom and turned the light on. and what did i see to my suprise? my bro FUCKING engineer chickie ON TOP OF THE SINK. can you say awkward? yup. that... that was not what i expected to see when i turned that light on. nope. with that, i turned around and headed back to the living room and crashed out on the couch. and during all of that, i somehow lost the desire to pee.

figure that... the sunlight of the early morning was enough to get my attention and i was up around 6am. i took a look around and realized that some shit must have gone down the night before. his place was tore the fuck up! i guess i slept through the after-party. i ignored my splitting headache and did a quick search. luckily, no one had tried to jack my wallet, keys or cell-phone. with that i made my way to the door and headed on home.

a few days later, i got a call from engineer chickie. i didn't answer it and she didn't leave a vm. what could you possibly say if you were in her shoes? "hey, sorry i fucked your friend on the sink. call me." my friend has been guilt-ridden since it happened, and his brother is seriously pissed at him... and i think he's a little pissed at me for not being madder at his brother. but i don't think i can hold a drunken screw against him. it's better that i caught her bein' a ho when she was just a hook-up prospect that after she became a girlfriend, right? that's how i see it.

so anyway, all that 'fuckin' on the sink' action kinda killed the potential of my one hook-up prospect. but there is hope. not so much for a hook-up, but maybe a relationship? ...assuming i even wanna go there right now. i have a date later this week with the girl i took to prom in highschool. we will see how it goes. at the very least, i've proven that it's not COMPLETELY impossible to find someone to date that i'm NOT related to.

... at least i *think* i'm not related to her...

RIP Billy Preston

Soul singer Billy Preston, often referred to as the 5th Beatle (because he played keyboard for them) died in Scottsdale today at 59. Billy is know for songs like "Nothin from Nothin," "Outta Space," and my personal favorite "Will It Go Round In Circles."

I would post a picture, but I've been having problems with this function lately.

Ann Coulter is a heinous conservative bitch who hates homosexuals and 9-11 widows!

There was this girl in my law school class named ANNE-LEIGH MOE. She was a tall blonde from Florida who stood for the Christian Right. She was also an IDIOT (and not of the savant variety). In a drunken moment at a bar, my hot gay boyfriend decided to tell her "Ann-Leigh Moe: You're a heinous conservative bitch who hates homosexuals!" Laughable, yes!

So who knew that when I woke up this morning and watched the Today Show, I'd be able to apply that statement to another Ann - Ann Coulter that is. She's tall. She's blonde. She's from Florida (or maybe not). She's heinous. She's conservative. She's a BITCH! Oh, and apparently, this morning she hates the following:

• Gay Marriage
• Bill Clinton
• 9-11 widows
• Harriet Miers
• and Matt Lauer

This morning, she was on Today with Matt Lauer to publicize her new book (oh god, not another one) Godless: The Church of Liberalism. In her book, she describes 9-11 widows like so:

These self-obsessed women seem genuinely unaware that 9-11 was an attack on our nation and acted like as if the terrorist attack only happened to them. They believe the entire country was required to marinate in their exquisite personal agony. Apparently, denouncing bush was part of the closure process.

and it gets better . . .

These broads are millionaires, lionized on TV and in articles about them, reveling in their status as celebrities and stalked by griefparrazies. I have never seen people enjoying their husband’s death so much.

Ok. With her idiotic ranting voice, which often remind me of a Tourette's-induced fit, this bitch had the nerve to insult freakin 9-11 widows! I mean, the homophobia and Clinton bashing are nothing new, but 9-11 widows? Ann, c'mon. Are you really running out of groups to hate? Why don't you just turn that hate inward, because you're really the one you should despise! I despise you! Hell, I hate you just as much as I hate ANNE-LEIGH MOE (clearly, I want her to google herself and end up here - HELL!!! bwahahahah).

Courtesy of Crooks and Liars, check out the video. It's par for the course for Ann, but somehow, her general evil disposition gets to me every time!

What a know-it-all!!

And she does. Check out my girl Knows It All cuz she's too too funny!!!!

On a side note, I'm so glad to be back bloggin. I've got a lot of funny stuff to tell y'all about.

Compliments of Scrappy!

The World's Shortest Fairytale

Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy "will you marry me?" The guy said "No" And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to> cook, stayed skinny and farted whenever she wanted.

The end

I'm no Jesus freak . . .

But goddamn! . . . or maybe I shouldn't say that for I might too end up in the belly of a beast.

Lioness in zoo kills man who invoked God

How could I, in good conscience, fail to comment on this jewel? Now, before you all throw your hands up in shame at the following comments, please remember that I believe that it is indeed tragic when anyone dies such a horrible death - even if they do deserve it.

Anyhoo, this Russian guy who clearly threw back a few too many vodka cocktails this afternoon, decided that he would lower himself into the lions den at the zoo, shouting "God will save me, if he exists!"

Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't Jonah get swallowed by the whale? I sho don't remember him getting mauled - Sigfried and Roy sytle I might add - by a lion. I guess this guy really didn't believe in God because he got the story all wrong, huh?

As I read this story, my belief in God only deepened. I mean, there are a few ways you could look at this, but they all end with the truth that God does exists. Ponder with me . . .

• God so loved this man that he decided to put him out of his misery, as he was clearly a special brand of tard.
• God, realizing he messed up this one, decided to put this fool out of his misery at the zoo instead of allowing him to be run over by a semi as he stumbled in his drunken stooper onto the freeway.
• God thinks, "How dare that bastard question my existence? I gave him my only begotten son (although I might have to go to Maury to get a paternity test because I heard Mary was a jump-off), and he questions my authori-tah? F*** him."
• God, who is the God of all creatures, decided that the lioness needed an afternoon snack.
• God thought it would be funny to watch dude get chowed. I mean, didn't you?

So, to all you Atheists out there, you betta watch your backs. You might get mauled! Pat Robertson would be proud of me!

It's been a long long time!

So, my grown ass got wrapped up in the whole MySpace phenomenon. But after some gentle ribbing from a beatch who lives in Bosnia (and ain't that a shame) and my girl from Carolina, I guess I have to call it a comeback. I promise not to leave ya'll hangin anymore.